Arrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhh!

So, parents stink. When I was a teenager, I thought it would be all over when I hit my 20's. At least by the time I was done with college they would loosen their grip. Right?

Not so, my friends. Not so.

So, as most of you know, I am engaged to a wonderful man and we plan to get married April 2008. So quite a ways away, but exciting nonetheless. Most of you also know that this is final year in college (or university if you're outside of the U.S.) and I'm about ready to graduate with a bachelor's in applied music.

Well, this wonderful man is currently living with a friend of ours because, well, it's economical and it's an 1800 square foot apartment...why WOULDN'T he live with someone. My parents didn't want us living together while in school for a lot of reasons, and since my college fund that THEY set up is paying the bills right now, I don't argue. Plus, I really DID want to have a few years of living on my own and having my own space before shacking up with the future hubby.

So, yesterday, the friend announces that the apartment they just moved into is simply too far away and her parents (who are also paying the bills) don't like it and blah blah blah, so she's moving out in 2 weeks (and she's going to stop paying rent despite that her name AND her parents' names will still be on the lease, but that's a whole other arrrrgggghhh thread). Anyway, so the first question Ian asks is if I'll sublet my apartment (which could be done in roughly 45 seconds...these places are in HIGH demand) and move in with him. I said sure, as soon as I have my diploma I would be more than happy to move in. After all, it had always been the plan between my parents and I that as soon as my lease was up, I'd be moving in with Ian for the 6 month period before we got married (I have an October lease).

Well, apparently, the plans have changed. When I mentioned to my parents (actually, just my mom, really, who has been known to take her "crazy pills" every once in awhile) that I might be moving in with Ian 2 months sooner than they expected, all heck broke loose and they INSISTED (despite the fact that Ian asked them for permission to marry me AND we had an extensive conversation about the wedding and each other's concerns, intentions and expectations) that they had NEVER agreed to letting me move in with Ian before we were married. She gave me this huge lecture about how there's no point in having a wedding if we were already living together because obviously, in her puritanical little mom-brain, marriage is about nothing more than cohabitation. Cohabitation and procreation, that is. So now, they want to sit down and have a talk with Ian and I about all this. Basically, the threat is that they won't pay for a wedding if we cohabitate out of pure conveneince/stress-freeness for 6 months before our wedding. They obviously can't threaten to stop paying my rent, since I will at that point be paying my own way. I obviously can't afford a wedding 6 months out of college. THey origianlly agreed to foot the bill for a simple wedding with 50-100 guests with a few conditions and compromises Ian and I agreed to...none of which were to not live together beforehand.

So, I don't know what to do or say. I'm going to have to make a compelling case to them about this. Either that, or risk having to foster out my cats for 6 months and move back home (I have a brother with asthma, so they can't stay there) OR try and find a 6-month lease somewhere, somehow, for less than $500 a month (I currently live in a studio apartment, which after utilities costs right around $950 a month).

So, what are everyone's thoughts on this? I realize there are a lot of "studies" out there that assure me that if I move in with Ian before the vows are said, we'll magically be 1000% more likely to be divorced, but I can't seem to find one that looks at things objectively, rather than morally/religiously (and most of you also know that I am fervently anti-religion, as is Ian). They also seem to focus on people that move in to "see how things work" rather than because the lease has odd months before the wedding and it's just more economical and keeps me from moving my stuff 4 times in 6 months.

First off, my parents are (Dad has since passed away though) Ministers.They are 100% against sleeping togther before you are married in THEIR home.
My DH and I lived together for 2 years,2months and 2 days before we were married.I was 4 months pg for our fist child together,my 3rd though.My Mom and Dad still wouldn't allow us to sleep together at their house.They understood that in our home, rules were different and NEVER tried to push their views on us.
My first husband and I dated for 4 months and lived together for 3 before we got married.Notice I said FIRST husband?!
It is MY opinion that it is BEST to live with someone to really KNOW how that person is.You get the chance to see what they are like during stress,happy times and what all their quirks are.

DH and I lived together before we got married and here is how it all went down. I found a house for the two of us and some room mates. My father came over to do and "inspection" of the place and we walked him through the bed rooms. My father, being very intelligent, realized that we were one short. He then asked, "Honey, where is Michael going to sleep."
"Dad, He's going to sleep on the couch," I stated.
"Oh, Okay."
I think he just wanted to think his little girl wasn't growing up.

If you want to live together before you get married go for it. It helps you work out chores and how that person really lives. It was great for DH and I, and I would suggest it to anyone else out there too!

For what it's worth, Allie, you're an intelligent, mature young woman capable of making the decisions that are best in regard to your relationship with Ian. My family is pretty religious, so when my brother and SIL decided to live together to say my parents were unhappy about it would be an understatement. I think it was the best decision they could have made. They lived together for 3 years and have now been happily married for 4. I don't think it's the right choice for everybody and I'm not going to debate the morality of it because I feel it's a very personal decision based on the couple's maturity level and the stage they are in their relationship. That said, I think you and Ian need to make the decision that's right for you.

I think you and Ian need to make the decision that's right for you.

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I agree that it is YOUR choice!No one else should tell you or try and push you to think the way they do.

DH & I lived together for (can't exactly remember) 2 yrs ?? before we were married. I think I was 26 at the time. We met and were neighbor's before the move together-it was more economical. When he got a job on the other side of the state I left my job and didn't work for several months after that move (mom was going through chemo & I spent much time at their place) We maintained the illusion of having 2 separate bedrooms when they came to visit (never overnite) and we did not share a bedroom at either parents house until we were married. They [aid for parts of the wedding as I piad for parts too. You have to make the best decision for yourself and Ian-at 49 when mom comes over she still tries to tell to do things a certain way!!

OK, I'm older, and probably older than your parents, but here's my take. If they are paying the freight, then they have the right to make the rules. If you're adult enough to pay your own freight - including the wedding, then you get to make the rules. Maybe you don't need such an elaborate wedding.

These are choices you must make depending upon your circumstances. You could finish school on student loans and have a simple no frills wedding with close friends and family. Think about how proud and "adult" you would feel to have made your own choices and accept your own obligations without their help.

Personally I feel that if you are adult enough to get married, then you are adult enough to pay for your own party. When my kids got married, I gave them a cash gift. They could use the cash for their wedding or as a part of the down payment on their first home. One chose to use it to pay for about 1/3 of her wedding expenses. Another chose to use it as a part of the down payment on their first house. The amounts were the same - $5,000. The choice was theirs.

ETA - Daughter who used hers for her wedding had worked part-time through college, and managed to save some $$. She and her fiance bought their house (without my help) about 2 months prior to their wedding. Son and his fiance decided to have a simple wedding on the beach. They bought their house right before their wedding. Both couples lived together before their wedding - daughter about 2 months. Son was well over a year. I had no problem with it in either case, as they were adults paying their own way.

If it was me, I'd just make my own, very simple and cheap wedding and not invite them. But then again, I've been known to be stubborn and not close to my family at all

Seriously, I know how frustrating it is to have parents try to control you and use any way they can to make you do what they want. They are really not treating you like an adult yet.
My parents also often tried to manipulate me to get their way. In my case it wasn't about the same issues (my parents actually lived together before being married so they certainly wouldn't resent me doing the same!) but it's always irritating. For me, it stopped the moment I moved out because I had already made it clear through my actions that I didn't NEED them in any way. Therefore, if they wanted me to even come visit, they had to behave themselves!

Steve and I have been living together for 2 years,and will be married in a few weeks. I think its a great thing. you learn eachothers habits, schedule, annoyting habits, LOL before hand.

Good luck with the parents mine have never cared as we pay all our own bills. ect

Allie, you are a full on adult, and as of October you'll be paying your own way. I really don't think it's fair for your mother to blackmail you into bending to how they want you to live your life. I don't know what advice I would give you, but I just don't think it's fair. Gifts shouldn't come with conditions, and that is what a wedding is if the parents agree to pay for it - it's a gift.

Nate and I eloped- I highly, highly suggest eloping! It takes care of the "you can't live together, you aren't married!!" arguement. We had a religious ceremony about four months later. If you already know you two are going to marry and you are already engaged you might as well. It worked for me

Otherwise, I don't know what to tell you. If they are paying your rent you won't be able to hide living with him.

I hope everything works out well for you and that someone else here offers better advice than me

I planned a way around this when the time comes about 15 yrs ago ... I am getting married in Vegas and paying for it myself...( maybe a thought ) ...

Truelly your folks have been quite generous to this pt and maybe you should have a frank dinner with Ian and them and layout what WILL happen .... If they say not on our $$ then find a way to do it ...

I agree with the previous post. Make a plan with Ian and TELL your parents together what WILL happend. If the wedding of your dreams comes at risk - so what. It is the life time you will have together that counts.
And honestley, I havn't met a mother yet who would miss out on seeing her doughter married in a fabulous way if she can afford it.
I wanted a small, simple wedding and I really had to fight for that. We tried to keep it secred untill it was done but my mother told every one just to put pressure on us to invite more people. She failed though but only because I live in another country and people wouldn't push to come since it had to be on their on expense.
My bet is that even if your parents says no now they will come around before the wedding.
And if they are paying your rent - tell them you will work instead and finish your studies on the side which would take longer and postpone the marrige.
If they are blackmailing you why not play it rough your self. Tell them that if you cannot have the marrage of your dreams you might not get married at all and just live together anyway. Make them believe it's more important for them than for you but that you might consider it because yoy respect their values.
Good luck.

I would just go to the registry office and get married there, and then maybe a year or two later when i have the money to make a big celebration.
I wouldnt let my parents black mail me into this sort of stuff.

For me it is very important to live with my partner before getting married.

Just look at how it ended up with my EX fiance!

If you have to satisfy Mom, then why not just grab yourselves a judge, get married, and have the "official" wedding later?

And, anyway, it's better to get married before you move in together--that way there's a commitment+love going on. Not that you don't have a commitment already; but getting married puts it on paper.

Really, though, morality stuff like that is your decision to make; and your mom getting in on it is a little pushy... I suppose she could withdraw all financial support from the wedding, though, which she's got a right to do but which is, I think, really mean...

Uh. Anyway. It's 4 a.m., I'm not thinking straight... Go and play with your kitties, at least they don't threaten not to pay for your wedding, or do anything else nasty (except litter box stink). Maybe that'll help you feel better...

Anyway you've got a good thing, because you're in love; and nothing should spoil it for you. So don't let it. And that's an order.

I had a situation like that when I was your age (in the early 70's) and I wrote my father a letter explaining that I loved them, but I was 21 and I would pay for the rest of my school if they wanted to stop, and I was an adult and would make my own decisions. Well, my father wanted me to get a diploma, so he butt out. If I were you I would explain to the folks how this move makes sense for many reasons, and if they choose to withdraw the wedding money, so be it. Chances are they will get over themselves and foot the bill anyway, but if not then it is on you. Only prostitutes can be bought.