Told My Parents

katachtig · Sep 17, 2006

I'm glad your parents came through for you. It is good to have their support. I'm going to repeat my advice from your original thread regarding your ex: you may want to seek legal counsel. Understand what the laws in your state say about his rights and responsibilities. I don't know how manipulative he could be but I don't want you to be blindsided by some legal maneuvering on his part.

jennyr · Sep 17, 2006

I am so glad you got that over with and it went OK. Now you can concentrate on the next stages. Your ex will find out sooner or later, and so he will be there in some way. I think he is less likely to ffreak and more likely to be responsible financially if you tell him now, though I know how hard that is. But try and take some legal advice as to what his duties are in your state, and stay amicable, if you can. In this situation you have to look, not 9 months down the road, but 20 years, however incredible that sounds.

tavia'smom · Sep 17, 2006

Here's my advice don't meet him alone have him meet you in a public place with a friend of yours that way if things get out of hand they can help you. Set out some ground rules and go ahead and work out ground rules on when he can see the child and such. I do agree fathers have rights same as the mother. I know some people think that the fathers don't have rights but that's not true the child is just as much his as the child is yours. And what if you may need him some day incase of a medical illness and you need background on his family. And in some areas if you don't tell him it gives him legal grounds to have you declared and unfit mother and take your child away. After intiatially telling him set up an appointment for you to meet with your lawyer and also set up parenting classes for him and as a show of good faith for yourself so it looks fair maybe. And also request that he sign a contract stating he will attend and complete some anger management classes. And at that time you don't feel good about him seeing your child by himself then set up supervised visits that are supervised by a lawyer or counseler or someone of that sort. Request that all of your meetings with him be in a public place and always take a witness with you. And that way your child doesn't look at you some day and say why didn't you tell me who my father was because if you don't then one day they will ask and you won't like the results. That's my advice you can take it or leave it.
And the reason I know this stuff is my daddy raised me because my mom walked out when I was two and my dad let me decide for myself what if any relationship I wanted with her.

crittermom · Sep 17, 2006

OMG that's scary!!! I just went in yesterday and my test was negative (as well as both home tests), but I'm almost a month late and I just have this funny feeling.

Did you have a HCG blood test done or just a urine? My blood test showed negative while at the Hopsital.I had to have x-rays, so they did a blood test.I was TOTALLY fit to be tied when AFTER my x-ray, which they did NOT use the shield though I protested about it, they came and said "you're test IS positive!"
I should also say that I was ONLY 2 weeks pg at the time.So, my HCG levels were really low

scamperfarms · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by gayef

AND responsibilties. In most states in the US, he would be required to pay child support at the very least. I can fully understand and appreciate your not wanting him to be involved in the parenting process, but at the least, he should be involved in the financial assistance of raising a baby he helped to create.

Yup theres that too. and thats a BIG thing. that one had kinda been covered.

crittermom · Sep 17, 2006

Child support is not all that it is cracked up to be in my case!!! My ex is ordered to pay are you ready for this?..........a whole $50 a month!! Which is total BS!!! THat is $50 for 2 kids..........not apiece but for both of them.
He lives in Georgia and is so far in arrears, that I have lost track of what he owes my kids.He has gooten away with being that way for over 4 years now.

squirtle · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by crittermom

Child support is not all that it is cracked up to be in my case!!! My ex is ordered to pay are you ready for this?..........a whole $50 a month!! Which is total BS!!! THat is $50 for 2 kids..........not apiece but for both of them.
He lives in Georgia and is so far in arrears, that I have lost track of what he owes my kids.He has gooten away with being that way for over 4 years now.

Well thankfully, like you said, that is not the case for everyone...

Since you are having his child, I feel like the guy has a right to know. I don't know the whole story, but from what I have read you don't think he will make a good father... How do you really know that? I don't really think it's fair that the decision be made for him. He deserves the chance to do the right thing and be responsible. Guys have been known to make complete turn arounds when faced with fatherhood. It's perfectly OK that you don't want to have an intimate relationship with him, but if you decide to tell him about this baby and he wants to be a part of his/ her's life then you will have to find a way to get a long with him in that respect.

I am glad that you have the support of your family and wish you the best of luck!

dusty's mom · Sep 17, 2006

Since you've been with another guy after the breakup, my guess is that the bio-dad will want a paternity test after the birth. Have you told current BF yet? If current BF wants a permanent relationship with you, maybe bio-dad will sign away his parental rights so any future or current man in your life is free to adopt and get him off the hook for support.

If the bio-dad is an abusive type, I would want to contact through a 3rd party or attorney.

In any event, take good care of yourself and that wee one! You are very lucky to have supportive parents.

4crazycats · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by Bella713

All I can say is I think you are very brave, and to take care of yourself and that sweet little baby growing inside you!! How are you feeling by the way? Any morning sickness???

Thank you! I'm not throwing up or anything. Just a couple times but I feel like I'm going to almost all the time.

4crazycats · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by Malikitty

Wow well I just saw all this and all I can say is you are lucky to have a supportive family. I had my first child when i was 19 and my dad didnt speak to me for 3 weeks

as for the father, by law you do not have to tell him at all. if you think he would be a good father than tell him i guess, but if you think he will be just like any other idiot i wouldnt, i wish my oldest's father had never had to know but well we were engaged so i couldnt really hide it, now i wish i could get rid of him, my son has a great stepfather *shrugs*

keep your chin up and put those tootsies up occasionally

and yes yes BELLY PICTURES!

Thank you. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do about Stan. So far the only people who know are my family and John. I havnt been hanging out with anyone except for John the last couple days. I just dont feel like dealing with anyone right now. I will get belly pics I guess. I hate the tought of being fat. Stretch marks and stuff. Not my idea of a good picture.

But I guess I can suck it up.

4crazycats · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by squirtle

How do you really know that? I don't really think it's fair that the decision be made for him. He deserves the chance to do the right thing and be responsible. Guys have been known to make complete turn arounds when faced with fatherhood. It's perfectly OK that you don't want to have an intimate relationship with him, but if you decide to tell him about this baby and he wants to be a part of his/ her's life then you will have to find a way to get a long with him in that respect.

I am glad that you have the support of your family and wish you the best of luck!

Thanks or the advice. I dont know that he wont be a good dad but I seriously doubt he will be. I do want to give him a chance sort of but I honestly dont wantto deal with him period. I'm not going to post evrything that has happened bewteen us but he isnt a good guy at all. I was an idiot to ever get involved with him. He even told me on several occasions that he hated kids and if any girl came up sayig he was theres babies daddy they would regret it. I think he was just trying to scare me out of ever getting pregnant or something. He never got why I liked being around kids and would bash me any time I talked about a kid. Bash as in yell not hit. He never really hit me. I do want him to have a chance to make things better but not with me any where near him.

4crazycats · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom

Since you've been with another guy after the breakup, my guess is that the bio-dad will want a paternity test after the birth. Have you told current BF yet? If current BF wants a permanent relationship with you, maybe bio-dad will sign away his parental rights so any future or current man in your life is free to adopt and get him off the hook for support.

If the bio-dad is an abusive type, I would want to contact through a 3rd party or attorney.

In any event, take good care of yourself and that wee one! You are very lucky to have supportive parents.

Yeah I told John the night that I found out. Well actually it was early the next morning. He is a great guy and is fine with it. As for getting a paternity test I'm sure he will want to. I know he's the dad. I havnt been with anyone else not even John yet.

muttigreemom · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by crittermom

Child support is not all that it is cracked up to be in my case!!! My ex is ordered to pay are you ready for this?..........a whole $50 a month!! Which is total BS!!! THat is $50 for 2 kids..........not apiece but for both of them.
He lives in Georgia and is so far in arrears, that I have lost track of what he owes my kids.He has gooten away with being that way for over 4 years now.

I am the child of a father who never paid his child support, so I do understand where you're coming from on this.

But I will tell you that a lot of states are cracking down on this now and I know in the states I run title searches in I have to search for arrearage judgments. If a man/woman has an arrearage judgment or certificate of delinquency filed against them, they cannot mortgage or sell their property until it is paid off (and if they do sell, the arrearage is paid off with profits from the sale before any money from the sale goes to the seller). And if they have an arrearage you have have their wages garnished. I see it happen all the time and a lot of people get sc***ed out of getting a mortgage because of it.

Just saying that there are ways, and they are cracking down.

4crazycats · Sep 17, 2006

Originally Posted by MuttigreeMom

I am the child of a father who never paid his child support, so I do understand where you're coming from on this.

But I will tell you that a lot of states are cracking down on this now and I know in the states I run title searches in I have to search for arrearage judgments. If a man/woman has an arrearage judgment or certificate of delinquency filed against them, they cannot mortgage or sell their property until it is paid off (and if they do sell, the arrearage is paid off with profits from the sale before any money from the sale goes to the seller). And if they have an arrearage you have have their wages garnished. I see it happen all the time and a lot of people get sc***ed out of getting a mortgage because of it.

Just saying that there are ways, and they are cracking down.

My sister just started getting child support from her youngest kids dad after 5 years. They started taking it out of his pay check because he wouldnt pay.

luckygirl · Sep 18, 2006

I am SO happy your parents are in support of you. Don't blame your Dad, that was most likely his knee-jerk reaction to his "little girl" being pregnant.

You are so brave to have told them, I'm sure it was very hard for you.... one step in the right direction! Now you can do anything!

As for the father, as of right this moment, do what ever is best for your pregnancy. If it's stressing you out, let it go for awhile, you need to focus on you & the baby, everyone else gets a back seat for now!

But I do think that the father has a right to know. Maybe you can find a way to tell him before the baby is born, or shortly after. Even if he does not want to be involved at all, even if he does not pay a cent of child support, even if he never comes to see his child, this baby will one day grow up and look you in the eye and ask about it's father....and you owe that child to at least have given it's father the opportunity to be a father. That's my opinion. If you don't, your child will resent you....you will be the one who took away the opportunity to have a dad, and the dad will be the hero cause he can always say "I never knew" or "I would've been there for you had I known". If you tell him, and he's not involved, that's his choice. And you can always leave the ball in his court, ask him does he want to be a part of this babies life? How much? Get it all legal. I cannot stress enough. Make sure you have full sole custody. Then you are responsible for all of the decision making, and he does not have a say in it. He can still have visitation of the child, but doesn't say where the child goes to school, or whether you raise it Christian etc. You are a brave young woman! I am very envious of you, and want you to know that you are creating a life, a wonderful little miracle. You are courageous and responsible, and those are very admirable qualities! The road before you will not be easy, but it will be rewarding just the same! Good luck to you!!!

neetanddave · Sep 18, 2006

Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom

Since you've been with another guy after the breakup, my guess is that the bio-dad will want a paternity test after the birth. Have you told current BF yet? If current BF wants a permanent relationship with you, maybe bio-dad will sign away his parental rights so any future or current man in your life is free to adopt and get him off the hook for support.

If the bio-dad is an abusive type, I would want to contact through a 3rd party or attorney.

In any event, take good care of yourself and that wee one! You are very lucky to have supportive parents.

Great advice there!

laureen227 · Sep 18, 2006

Originally Posted by fwan

I am so happy that your parents are suporting you and are being great about it!!!

the only reasons for telling the father is if:
a) you think he should be involved in the baby's life &
b) you want him to assist in supporting the baby.
if those are not important to you - i wouldn't tell him.

ashleigh · Sep 18, 2006

I am so pleased your parents have been supportive, that must be a huge weight off your shoulders.
As for Stan, you have to decide what is best for the baby and you..and as much as we can try and advise the decision is yours, right now think of you and the baby and the rest will fall into place if and when you are ready.
Good luck xx

malena · Sep 18, 2006

I have follwed this post for a while and I dont envy your situation. A few things to consider is - Do you think the father could be a threat to you or your child? If so I would keep him out of it. If not he needs to know since your child will need to know one day.
If the father is a very manipulative person it is important that you are very clear over how you want it and what is best for your child. If you have a hard time to say no to him - never meat him alone. Then you gonna need someone with authority to support you in the contact with the father.
Another thing to consider is that racing a child is a long term task and people change over the years - even bad guys sometimes. After growing up with two adopted brothers and a husband who is adopted I know that it will come a point in life when your childs origin is important to him/her.
If you chose to not tell the father - make sure you collect memories of him and try to keep a fair picture of him for that future day your child will ask you. Do not try to keep it a secret since family secrets grows like cancer and infects so many things in life.
I wish you the best luck in this and even when it gets tough - don't forget to be happy for that very special little life growing inside of you.

Told My Parents

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