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OH MY GOSH!! This is SO stinkin' hilarious!!! READ!!!

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
My mom sent me this by email. I am supposed to be on my way to work already but I had to post this for yall to laugh your bottoms off!!!!

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
works like new, improved Wisk --- dislodging the dirt where it hides
whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some
you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and
for the bathtub:
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in
open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you
the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were
to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat
shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to
to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top
construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a
face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make
the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure
towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he
notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product
testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with
shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself
(The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part
be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point
the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is
compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the
is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain
with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however,
cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this
the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and encourage him
your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple
matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot
time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.
As a
rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure
for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better!
post #2 of 12
post #3 of 12
That was fabulous - thank you for sharing it!!!

Note to self: Must buy flak-jacket and helmet...
post #4 of 12
Too funny!!! I guess I'm lucky that my stinky cat (Levi) is a very good boy for baths. He hates them, but he just sits there with those big green eyes looking at me like, "Mom, I love you why would you do this to me.?"
post #5 of 12
I just had to bathe Louie for the 1st time....he had a bout of diarrhea, and musta stepped in it. It was on his foot, and my carpet, and the back of his leg, and he must've rolled to try to get it off, but only made him smell worse. He was terrified, and kept trying to leap out of the tub. I felt like a goalie on a hockey team, 1 small kitten being slap-shot into my quick to respond hands....he was so tiny & so cute. I held him tight in the towel when it was over, he was shivering so bad, so I heated up the heating pad and wrapped that around him, he loved that. It's easy with Lucky, I don't have to really wash her much... if she had a bit stuck to her backside, I just use those moist toilet paper wipes and get it off. She hates it when I go near her hiney, but owell. She'll get over it.
post #6 of 12
hahaha, that was hilarious "cats have no handles" i love it
post #7 of 12
short hair cats do not need to be bathed unless they have lots of fleas or have been ill and have diroreah,semi or long hair benifit from a bath due too matting of the fur and need daily grooming,cats are clean by nature,most cats are totally stressed out by us humans bathing them when it is not necessary.
post #8 of 12
Very funny! I'm lucky that Villy is short haired and should not have to be bathed!
post #9 of 12
Oh that is soooo funny! Wonder if DH turned all his military gear in....
post #10 of 12
That is too funny!!!! I started bathing all of my animals...including the foster kittens at a young age so they get used to it. I also start getting them use to having their paws handled and a hand in their mouth so that nail trimmings and teeth brushings become easier. Thanks for posting that! I got a good laugh
post #11 of 12
As I have a "prescription" shampoo for Grizzly I must stop at Army/navy surplus store for apparel before bathing. I wonder if she would like the whirlpool jets on when I bath her???
post #12 of 12
that is SO Tiger!
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