Hi,
Back in June of this year I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. In the spring of 2004 my black female domestic shorthair, Midnight was diagnosed with having kidney disease. Needless to say I was crushed but with the help my veterinarian (who I can't say enough about) we started a routine of regular intervals of sub-Q fluids and changed her diet to Purina N/F. She bounced back rather quickly and put weight on. She became her "old" active self and was doing quite well.
Earlier this past year she started to lose weight and became sick in late April of this year. she became withdrawn and was sitting a lot in the "meatloaf" position. She also wasn't eating and would throw up any water she drank. Since it was a sunday I took her into the emergency clinic where the vet on duty told me that she was dehydrated and that her gut was impacted. After giving her a couple of enemas and some fluids I took her home where she was back and bounding around by the next day. She also started to put some weight back on and was as active as she had ever been. Little did I know that this wasn't meant to last.
My vet saw her shortly after this last episode and wanted to test her for hyperthyroidism. I hoped that she had hyperthyroidism but I began to have my doubts when she started to rapidly lose weight again and became withdrawn. She quite eating and drinking and wasn't active at all. She also sitting in her meatball position. The weekend before she went in for the bloodtest she urinated on me while I was in bed. There were also times where I could feel that even though she was looking right at me it seemed that I wasn't even there.
The bloodtest results confirmed my worst fears- her kidneys have failed her. The toxin levels were sky high and my vet mentioned that I might have to consider putting her to sleep in the "near future". I was devastated. I went over my parents for a bit and when I came back home I saw that she urinated in four or five spots on the bed while I was gone. She had become incontinent and I could begin to smell the buildup of the toxins through her skin. She was also suffering from dementia. I did some more reading on CRF and consulted with my vet some more. I laid down next to her all night. Petting and stroking her and talking to her, crying the entire time. I wanted her to know that I loved her and that I was there for her. I made the painfully difficult decision to put her to sleep the following morning rather than let her suffer a slow death. I couldn't let her suffer through the seizures as the toxins continued to build. I loved her too much to let her go through that.
I called my vet and she came by that afternoon. While waiting for her to arrive I said my goodbyes to Midnight and told her over and over that I loved her and how good of a friend and companion she had been. I told her that she wouldn't have to suffer and that I would see her again. After my vet gave gave her a tranquilizer I held her in my arms while she was put to sleep. I had to. I felt that I owed her at least that much. That I had to be with her at the end. I kissed her and held her next to my heart while I cried.
I missed a week of work afterwards. I was in a state of shock and after the shock passed I grieved. I cried many times a day. I wouldn't eat, couldn't sleep. The painful feelings of guilt over my decision were overwhelming me and they still haven't wholly subsided. There are always the questions of "What more could I have done?" and "What if we tried...?" but I know that there wasn't anything else that could have been done. I know that the decision that I made was the right one, that by not letting her continue to suffer she was able to keep her dignity. I know that this was the last greatest act of love that I could show for her.
I found a lot of support from Rainbow's Bridge afterwards. There were always wonderful people in chat that I could talk to and it helped. September 8, 2006 will be three months since I lost my baby girl. Her "brother" Shadow has been doing well since her passing but it took him a while to adjust as well. I still find myself looking for her sometimes just to realize that she is gone and the flood of emotions come roaring back. I picked up her ashes last tuesday. It took me a while to be able to bring myself to do it and I feel awful about it. They are in a nice oak urn on one of my bookshelves along with some pictures and some of her fur. I have some semblance of piece of mind setting in with having her back home and I kiss her urn every day and tell that I love her and always will. There is a void in my life and in my heart that can never be filled or replaced but the only worse than these would have been not having her in my life at all.
Rest In Piece Princess. Shadow and I will see you again some day.
Thanks for letting me share.
Bryan
Back in June of this year I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. In the spring of 2004 my black female domestic shorthair, Midnight was diagnosed with having kidney disease. Needless to say I was crushed but with the help my veterinarian (who I can't say enough about) we started a routine of regular intervals of sub-Q fluids and changed her diet to Purina N/F. She bounced back rather quickly and put weight on. She became her "old" active self and was doing quite well.
Earlier this past year she started to lose weight and became sick in late April of this year. she became withdrawn and was sitting a lot in the "meatloaf" position. She also wasn't eating and would throw up any water she drank. Since it was a sunday I took her into the emergency clinic where the vet on duty told me that she was dehydrated and that her gut was impacted. After giving her a couple of enemas and some fluids I took her home where she was back and bounding around by the next day. She also started to put some weight back on and was as active as she had ever been. Little did I know that this wasn't meant to last.
My vet saw her shortly after this last episode and wanted to test her for hyperthyroidism. I hoped that she had hyperthyroidism but I began to have my doubts when she started to rapidly lose weight again and became withdrawn. She quite eating and drinking and wasn't active at all. She also sitting in her meatball position. The weekend before she went in for the bloodtest she urinated on me while I was in bed. There were also times where I could feel that even though she was looking right at me it seemed that I wasn't even there.
The bloodtest results confirmed my worst fears- her kidneys have failed her. The toxin levels were sky high and my vet mentioned that I might have to consider putting her to sleep in the "near future". I was devastated. I went over my parents for a bit and when I came back home I saw that she urinated in four or five spots on the bed while I was gone. She had become incontinent and I could begin to smell the buildup of the toxins through her skin. She was also suffering from dementia. I did some more reading on CRF and consulted with my vet some more. I laid down next to her all night. Petting and stroking her and talking to her, crying the entire time. I wanted her to know that I loved her and that I was there for her. I made the painfully difficult decision to put her to sleep the following morning rather than let her suffer a slow death. I couldn't let her suffer through the seizures as the toxins continued to build. I loved her too much to let her go through that.
I called my vet and she came by that afternoon. While waiting for her to arrive I said my goodbyes to Midnight and told her over and over that I loved her and how good of a friend and companion she had been. I told her that she wouldn't have to suffer and that I would see her again. After my vet gave gave her a tranquilizer I held her in my arms while she was put to sleep. I had to. I felt that I owed her at least that much. That I had to be with her at the end. I kissed her and held her next to my heart while I cried.
I missed a week of work afterwards. I was in a state of shock and after the shock passed I grieved. I cried many times a day. I wouldn't eat, couldn't sleep. The painful feelings of guilt over my decision were overwhelming me and they still haven't wholly subsided. There are always the questions of "What more could I have done?" and "What if we tried...?" but I know that there wasn't anything else that could have been done. I know that the decision that I made was the right one, that by not letting her continue to suffer she was able to keep her dignity. I know that this was the last greatest act of love that I could show for her.
I found a lot of support from Rainbow's Bridge afterwards. There were always wonderful people in chat that I could talk to and it helped. September 8, 2006 will be three months since I lost my baby girl. Her "brother" Shadow has been doing well since her passing but it took him a while to adjust as well. I still find myself looking for her sometimes just to realize that she is gone and the flood of emotions come roaring back. I picked up her ashes last tuesday. It took me a while to be able to bring myself to do it and I feel awful about it. They are in a nice oak urn on one of my bookshelves along with some pictures and some of her fur. I have some semblance of piece of mind setting in with having her back home and I kiss her urn every day and tell that I love her and always will. There is a void in my life and in my heart that can never be filled or replaced but the only worse than these would have been not having her in my life at all.
Rest In Piece Princess. Shadow and I will see you again some day.
Thanks for letting me share.
Bryan
