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My Midnight

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 

Back in June of this year I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. In the spring of 2004 my black female domestic shorthair, Midnight was diagnosed with having kidney disease. Needless to say I was crushed but with the help my veterinarian (who I can't say enough about) we started a routine of regular intervals of sub-Q fluids and changed her diet to Purina N/F. She bounced back rather quickly and put weight on. She became her "old" active self and was doing quite well.

Earlier this past year she started to lose weight and became sick in late April of this year. she became withdrawn and was sitting a lot in the "meatloaf" position. She also wasn't eating and would throw up any water she drank. Since it was a sunday I took her into the emergency clinic where the vet on duty told me that she was dehydrated and that her gut was impacted. After giving her a couple of enemas and some fluids I took her home where she was back and bounding around by the next day. She also started to put some weight back on and was as active as she had ever been. Little did I know that this wasn't meant to last.

My vet saw her shortly after this last episode and wanted to test her for hyperthyroidism. I hoped that she had hyperthyroidism but I began to have my doubts when she started to rapidly lose weight again and became withdrawn. She quite eating and drinking and wasn't active at all. She also sitting in her meatball position. The weekend before she went in for the bloodtest she urinated on me while I was in bed. There were also times where I could feel that even though she was looking right at me it seemed that I wasn't even there.

The bloodtest results confirmed my worst fears- her kidneys have failed her. The toxin levels were sky high and my vet mentioned that I might have to consider putting her to sleep in the "near future". I was devastated. I went over my parents for a bit and when I came back home I saw that she urinated in four or five spots on the bed while I was gone. She had become incontinent and I could begin to smell the buildup of the toxins through her skin. She was also suffering from dementia. I did some more reading on CRF and consulted with my vet some more. I laid down next to her all night. Petting and stroking her and talking to her, crying the entire time. I wanted her to know that I loved her and that I was there for her. I made the painfully difficult decision to put her to sleep the following morning rather than let her suffer a slow death. I couldn't let her suffer through the seizures as the toxins continued to build. I loved her too much to let her go through that.

I called my vet and she came by that afternoon. While waiting for her to arrive I said my goodbyes to Midnight and told her over and over that I loved her and how good of a friend and companion she had been. I told her that she wouldn't have to suffer and that I would see her again. After my vet gave gave her a tranquilizer I held her in my arms while she was put to sleep. I had to. I felt that I owed her at least that much. That I had to be with her at the end. I kissed her and held her next to my heart while I cried.

I missed a week of work afterwards. I was in a state of shock and after the shock passed I grieved. I cried many times a day. I wouldn't eat, couldn't sleep. The painful feelings of guilt over my decision were overwhelming me and they still haven't wholly subsided. There are always the questions of "What more could I have done?" and "What if we tried...?" but I know that there wasn't anything else that could have been done. I know that the decision that I made was the right one, that by not letting her continue to suffer she was able to keep her dignity. I know that this was the last greatest act of love that I could show for her.

I found a lot of support from Rainbow's Bridge afterwards. There were always wonderful people in chat that I could talk to and it helped. September 8, 2006 will be three months since I lost my baby girl. Her "brother" Shadow has been doing well since her passing but it took him a while to adjust as well. I still find myself looking for her sometimes just to realize that she is gone and the flood of emotions come roaring back. I picked up her ashes last tuesday. It took me a while to be able to bring myself to do it and I feel awful about it. They are in a nice oak urn on one of my bookshelves along with some pictures and some of her fur. I have some semblance of piece of mind setting in with having her back home and I kiss her urn every day and tell that I love her and always will. There is a void in my life and in my heart that can never be filled or replaced but the only worse than these would have been not having her in my life at all.

Rest In Piece Princess. Shadow and I will see you again some day.

Thanks for letting me share.

post #2 of 13
I know no words can ever take away all the pain, but may you find comfort in knowing she has many at the Bridge to play with.
post #3 of 13
Oh my goodness Bryan i'm so very sorry Saying goodbye to Midnight must have been so difficult for you.

From the sounds of things you did all you could for Midnight, and like you said you wanted her to still have her dignity, so my letting her go you did just that and one day she'll thank you for it with the biggest headbutt she can give when you both see each other again

It's still early days yet, so just take it one day at a time, but in the meantime know that Midnight is happy and well again over at Rainbow Bridge with all her new found friends

Enjoy yourself at Rainbow Bridge Midnight Sweetie. Your dad loves you so much, so keep looking down on him until you see both him and Shadow once again
post #4 of 13
Condolences on your loss of Midnight. The decision you made was the right one - you sacrificed your heart for the comfort of your precious Princess. Your courage in staying with her to the end is very admirable. She left this life knowing you loved her enough to let go; and that love lit her way over the path to Rainbow Bridge. Godspeed, Midnight.
post #5 of 13
Originally Posted by rosiemac View Post
you wanted her to still have her dignity, so my letting her go you did just that and one day she'll thank you for it with the biggest headbutt she can give when you both see each other again
I second this.

Thankyou for sharing this with us Bryan and I hope you stick around TCS for a while. We will always be here for you should you need a shoulder to lean on when your memories of midnight come flooding back...

Play happily sweet girl - until you meet again
post #6 of 13
I'm so sorry for your sad loss.

Rest in peace and perfect health Midnight.
post #7 of 13
Midnight will always be with you Bryan.
A love like you shared never dies.

Rest in peace precious Midnight, until you are together again. ((((hugs))))
post #8 of 13
What a moving tribute! It really brought back the days when I had to make a similar decision for my kitty Mattie, two years ago.

May your Midnight rest in peace. She was truly loved, and that means a lot.
post #9 of 13
Thread Starter 
I wanted to thank all of you for your kind words regarding Midnight and as difficult as it is wanted to share something else with all of you.

Back in July one month to the day of her being put to sleep I had a strange dream. In the dream I was walking in a place that was strange to me. While I was walking I saw a small black cat playing up ahead of me. As I moved in closer the cat stopped what it was doing and looked up at me. Without hesistation the cat ran up to me meowing and rubbed up against me. I then layed down on the grass and played with the cat. After a little time had passed the cat rubbed its face against mine, kissed my hand, meowed then turned around and walked away. I also turned around and went back the way I came. The little black cat was my Midnight.

It's hard to type right now because of the tears but I believe that this was her telling me that she loves me and that she understands and that she is okay. I miss her so bad every day and I at times I even find myself coming home from work in the morning expecting to see her there only to realize after I glance around that she isn't here physically. Her loss always hits hardest every month around the day that I had to let her go.

Thanks for listening,
post #10 of 13
Thread Starter 
Below is a pic of Shadow and Midnight (she is on the right).

post #11 of 13
Brian Midnight is so sweet! And by her coming to you in your dreams i truly believe that this was a sign from Midnight to let you know that she's safely over the bridge and not to worry
post #12 of 13
Bryan, there are many here who have made the same decision. I did myself a year ago when my soulmate cat, a black and white tuxedo named Max, suffered sudden kidney failure. We never knew what happened to him. We only knew one day he was healthy and three days later we had to let him go.
Our hearts hurt with you. Life is not the same, but it does get more bearable.
There will come a day when you realize you lived all day and didn't cry. Our prayers go out to you and we send you hugs to make you feel better. Both your cats are beautiful. May your memories bring you sweet peace.
post #13 of 13
Bryan, I'm so sorry you lost your sweet girl. Midnight was truly a beautiful cat. My thoughts and prayers are with. RIP Midnight.
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