My Date

jennyr

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As I mentioned in a couple of other posts, I just had a date, the first I may say for several years! I have been in touch with this guy for a few months by email, through a personals site, and I broke all the rules by inviting him here to stay without meeting him anywhere else first. Several friends were briefed to call me at intervals with code words to check I was OK!

Well, he is a sweet guy, very bright and well educated, and pretty good around the house. He was here for three days and helped me sand and paint a wall, and he was very good with the cats, who liked him too. We had quite a lot in common, but disagreed on some fundamental issues, none of which bother me much except for some comments he made which seemed rather racist. Also, I paid for everything, even a lemonade when we were out one day! He never took me out for a meal or offered to pay for groceries in a supermarket. He did cook one evening though.

But although he made it clear he was up for more, I just couldn't bring myself to act as anything other than a new friend. And right now I just don't think I could ever feel that chemistry that I need in a relationship. I don't know what to do - he wants to meet again, either here or in England and I am not sure it is fair. I have told him this and he thinks things could grow. But in my life I have always felt something, some spark, at first meeting, even though it wasn't always acted upon at once! What do others think? Should I bow out gracefully now, or give it another chance?
 

mooficat

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Oh heck, thats a very difficult and complicated question !
Hummm..........well I know a lot of people like to pay equal on 1st dates etc, but I think it was rather mean of him not to offer to assist with some payment, especially your groceries, since he was staying with you.
I think you know in your heart what you think about him and how you see the relationship. You have already made this clear to him, so is he happy just to keep things at a friendship level ? or does he want more.............which maybe the sign to say bye.
 

rosiemac

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No don't throw the towel in just yet Jenny. Yes he was a tight wad by not going into his wallet, but i would see him again and to forget the first experience, but if he doesn't contribute the second time then wave him off.
 

katl8e

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Common courtesy dictates that he should have contributed to the groceries - at the least, a "hostess gift" was in order and he SHOULD have taken you out for a meal. Perhaps he thought that painting was adequate. Did he clean up after himself?

As for the possible "racist" comments - THAT would concern me more than his cheapness. You didn't mention his nationality or cultural background. Is it possible that you and he have your signals crossed, due to cultural differences?
 

anakat

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Did he get rid of the spider for you? If he did I would give him another chance.
 

starryeyedtiger

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Go with your instinct- listen to your gut. If you don't feel a spark and nothings there, don't waste your time or years of your life forcing it. Instead, ditch the dude and find one you really have some chemistry with. Never settle
You will not be happy if you do that. Find someone that truly adds to your life and gives you something to smile about! You deserve it!
 

catsknowme

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Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

Go with your instinct- listen to your gut. If you don't feel a spark and nothings there, don't waste your time or years of your life forcing it. Instead, ditch the dude and find one you really have some chemistry with. Never settle
You will not be happy if you do that. Find someone that truly adds to your life and gives you something to smile about! You deserve it!
And remember, A man spends his time and his MONEY where his heart is
However, a good male friend is nice to have around; esp. if you either don't have brothers or if they aren't available to give that "male opinion".
 
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jennyr

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I have plenty of good male friends - in fact my two best friends are both single straight males, and I have two brothers, so I am used to male company and male ways. And I have been married twice! His hostess gift to me was a box of tea bags, fine because one can never get the same quality outside of England, but that was it. As for culture, and cross-referencing, when someone says how happy they are to be in a place with no black faces, it is difficult to mistake the meaning, if you understand me. I think I have just talked myself out of this, with help from you. Thanks.
 

yosemite

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Jenny, I think you already know the answer to your question in your heart. He sounds like a taker - not a giver and it has to work both ways. If you decide to see him again, do it on his home territory and see how he reacts to you not sharing expenses and even though you may have to sit on your hands, don't offer any financial assistance.
 

sashacat421

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Originally Posted by Anakat

Did he get rid of the spider for you? If he did I would give him another chance.


Jen, give him another chance. Just one - take the pressure off! He may have been "thrifty" if in the past he spent lots on women and got hurt every time. My brother is SO tight and he is single, 47, and he used to lavish money on his dates/wives/girlfriends and he got very hurt and taken to the cleaners each time (well, he married wrong, too, not a woman like you
).

I honestly think that we all live in such an instant culture where it has to be love or sparks right away...and deep love can blossom over time. But don't even think "love" - just NO PRESSURE and give him another chance to see how you two react AFTER the first meeting....which in my book is way more telling..
 
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jennyr

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I do know the answer, and writing here has helped me clarify it. It is not as if I found him wildly attractive - just someone interesting to talk to. Even though sometimes I do think it would be nice to share what I have with someone (and share their life too) I don't need it right now, and I am not going to make a load of excuses for someone who is ultimately wrong for me. Ok, that's settled.
 

halfpint

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Well good for you you seem to have made up your mind, I think when people have to keep playing it over and over in there mind and just can't reach a decision then I would say think about it. But if there are things that you don't care for right off the bat and what seemed off color then what may be coming the next time, not knowing you I don't think it was right for him to make racist remarks at all. That's probably a good choice for you Jen, I think we just know from the get go.
 

rapunzel47

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Well, Jenny, by the time I read the whole thread, you had answered all the questions I was going to pose to "help" the process, so I won't do that. Just articulating the situation and your questions about it seems to have done the trick. GOOD. I'm glad you have a decision you feel OK about.
 

kittylover4ever

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Originally Posted by rosiemac

No don't throw the towel in just yet Jenny. Yes he was a tight wad by not going into his wallet, but i would see him again and to forget the first experience, but if he doesn't contribute the second time then wave him off.
I agreee!!!
 

coolcat

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Originally Posted by rosiemac

No don't throw the towel in just yet
....don´t give up Jenny!
...you´re a smart person!










BTW,...I didn´t to know how write this expresion in English, is the same meaning in spanish!
 

starryeyedtiger

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Originally Posted by jennyranson

I do know the answer, and writing here has helped me clarify it. It is not as if I found him wildly attractive - just someone interesting to talk to. Even though sometimes I do think it would be nice to share what I have with someone (and share their life too) I don't need it right now, and I am not going to make a load of excuses for someone who is ultimately wrong for me. Ok, that's settled.
Good for you! Get what you really want out of life
. You should never have to settle- you need someone who will truely make you happy and add joy to your life...not someone you're unsure about. Took me a while to figure it out, but once I did and I started "not settling" I found Colin & couldn't be happier
. I think you made the best choice for yourself!!!
 

gailc

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Us women are usually taught to trust our instinct. Did he seem the same in person and from your online experience???
Its hard to say how he was raised to be the proper houseguest. When Neil and I were 1st married he always wanted to stop in and visit his siblings without notice - he didn't know he should call 1st!!!
I would keep it platonic for now and wee of anything developes in the future.
 

hell603

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I am glad you listened to your gut and instinct as well as his words. We tend to forget about instinct and make excuses why people are the way they are. I am very proud of the choice you made.
 
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jennyr

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They were PG Tips!!! I had an email this morning saying I couldn't possibly make up my mind about him till I had experienced him as a 'Latin lover'! I think that says it all.
 
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