Guys. It's a boring old afternoon here and my brother has just emailed me some very old, but nevertheless very funny jokes. Have a giggle on us!!
They get quite good the further down you go . . .
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar.
> > The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A sandwich walks into a bar.
> > The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm
> > and says:
> > "Pint please, and one for the road."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his
> > Y-fronts.
> > A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to
> > be?'
> > The man says
> > "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man
> > says "I've just come in my pants."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
> > The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two cannibals are eating a clown.
> > One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
> > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's
> > not unusual."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
> > Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this
> > morning."
> > "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up,
> > no bull!"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
> > shorts.
> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost
> > an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies
"Yes,
> I 'm positive..."
> > -------------------
> > Answer phone message
> > "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
> >
> > -------------------
> > Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
> > -------------------
> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> > My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
> > "Well,"
> > says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
> > andexamines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
> > going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
> > "No, because he's really heavy"
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
> > 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
> > or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
> > Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I
> > couldn't
> > find any.
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
> > he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no,
> > thesteaks are too high.'
> > --------------------
> > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
> > strong currant.
> > --------------------
> >
> > A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> > shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
> > replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
> > a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
> > can't have your kayak and heat it too.
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the
problem?"
> > asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five
> > penises."replies
the
> > man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
> > "Like a glove."
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> > with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
They get quite good the further down you go . . .
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
> > -----------------------------------------------------------------
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar.
> > The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A sandwich walks into a bar.
> > The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm
> > and says:
> > "Pint please, and one for the road."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his
> > Y-fronts.
> > A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to
> > be?'
> > The man says
> > "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man
> > says "I've just come in my pants."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
> > The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two cannibals are eating a clown.
> > One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
> > Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
> > "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's
> > not unusual."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
> > Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this
> > morning."
> > "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up,
> > no bull!"
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> >
> > A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
> > shorts.
> > The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------------------
> > Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost
> > an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies
"Yes,
> I 'm positive..."
> > -------------------
> > Answer phone message
> > "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
> >
> > -------------------
> > Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
> > -------------------
> > A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> > My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
> > "Well,"
> > says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
> > andexamines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
> > going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
> > "No, because he's really heavy"
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
> > 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
> > or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
> > Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> >
> > I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I
> > couldn't
> > find any.
> >
> > -----------------------------------------------------
> > I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
> > he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no,
> > thesteaks are too high.'
> > --------------------
> > My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
> > strong currant.
> > --------------------
> >
> > A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> > shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
> > replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
> > a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you
> > can't have your kayak and heat it too.
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the
problem?"
> > asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five
> > penises."replies
the
> > man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
> > "Like a glove."
> >
> > --------------------
> >
> > Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> > with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
