Urgghhhh... how to deal with cat hater?

lovemybabies

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First, some background.

My mom and my cousin Kate have always been very close, so she and her husband (Dan) and 1-yr-old daughter (Elise) visit us about every month. When Kate was in the hospital a year ago after just giving birth to Lis and Dan was keeping house, her 14 year old cat Lola "ran away." Dan haaaated Lola, for the record, and was concerned throughout the whole pregnancy that having the cat would eventually lead to Elise getting allergies, being attacked, etc etc.

Now, my aunt and uncle (Kate's parents), my mom, and I all believe Dan let the cat out while Kate was in the hospital because Lola would NEVER run away - she was a total homebody, not mention so skittish that she was afraid of doors opening and closing. My cousin was totally devastated, of course, because she adored her kitty.

Whenever they visit us, Dan always makes a stink about the cats being around Elise - he says, and this is a direct quote - "Cats mean hair and allergies." He won't let her touch them because they will "attack her", which is so not true. The only time Kate can ever have the baby touch the cats is when she sends him out to the car to get something. Elise loves cats, too, so it's sad to see her not be able to interact with them and learn how to properly pet them and whatnot.

Dan is always standing guard when she's crawling around, and if she gets within about 8 feet of a cat, he tells her, " 'Lis, don't go near the cat, it'll claw your eyes out," and other ridiculous things like that. It doesn't matter how often we tell him or show him how gentle the cats are, he won't listen.

Now, we have 5 cats, so if you were visiting our house you would presume we liked cats, right? And it would be polite to not constantly talk trash about our cats, right? It's so frustrating to me because I really want to tell him to shut his mouth or leave, but we agree its tough to do that because we love Kate and Elise and don't want to cause any more tension in the family than there already is (my uncle and Dan cannot STAND each other).

I am running out of ideas on how to handle him, because I have such a hard time biting my tongue when he's around!
 

fwan

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I reckon you should just skitz it, and give him broschoures (sp?) relating how good it is for babies to interact with cats and dogs from a early age.
 

yosemite

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Sounds like your Uncle is pretty smart.


It sounds as though Dan has already made up his mind and nobody is going to change it. You know the old saying, "ignorance is bliss"? Well I find in most cases that "ignorance is a PITA".

I'd probably be tempted to tell him straight out that if he knew how ridiculous he looked and sounded in his total ignorance of cats, he'd probably not be able to face any of you again. I tend to be a bit out-spoken though.

Maybe quote the saying in Fwan's signature (Did you eat a bowl of STUPID for breakfast?).
 

katiemae1277

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I'd probably would've have told him off a long time ago, i think it very rude to disparage someone's pets while in their home, that would be like going to your cousin's house and saying every 5 seconds what a bratty, evil child Elise was even though it wasn't true- you think Dan would keep his mouth shut if you did that? heck no! i say have a talk with your cousin, it sounds like she needs to stand up to her hubby a little bit, JMHO
 

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I would probably say something like, if you don't like cats, don't come to my house. but that's just me.
 

fwan

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Originally Posted by Yosemite

Sounds like your Uncle is pretty smart.


It sounds as though Dan has already made up his mind and nobody is going to change it. You know the old saying, "ignorance is bliss"? Well I find in most cases that "ignorance is a PITA".

I'd probably be tempted to tell him straight out that if he knew how ridiculous he looked and sounded in his total ignorance of cats, he'd probably not be able to face any of you again. I tend to be a bit out-spoken though.

Maybe quote the saying in Fwan's signature (Did you eat a bowl of STUPID for breakfast?).


Yep you definetely should ask him if he ate a bowl of STUPID for breakfast!
 
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lovemybabies

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Originally Posted by katiemae1277

I'd probably would've have told him off a long time ago, i think it very rude to disparage someone's pets while in their home, that would be like going to your cousin's house and saying every 5 seconds what a bratty, evil child Elise was even though it wasn't true- you think Dan would keep his mouth shut if you did that? heck no! i say have a talk with your cousin, it sounds like she needs to stand up to her hubby a little bit, JMHO
She does need to stand up to him - we've noticed that she had started to take on some of his (awful) personality, and my aunt told her she was concerned that his negativity was rubbing off on her... she seems to have taken note and is attempting to "shut him down" on some things, but the cat thing he just won't listen to. None of us like him; lately he's been getting worse, though.

One thing we are concerned about is if we confront him, he'll isolate them (they live 2 1/2 hours from anyone in our family), and my aunt and uncle don't want to lose contact with their only grandchild. He's bordering on emotionally abusive and we're all very concerned about that - my aunt and uncle are planning to make a few appts with a therapist to discuss how to handle the situation carefully, because overall (not just the cat thing), it's a sticky situation.
 

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Originally Posted by LoveMyBabies

One thing we are concerned about is if we confront him, he'll isolate them (they live 2 1/2 hours from anyone in our family), and my aunt and uncle don't want to lose contact with their only grandchild. He's bordering on emotionally abusive and we're all very concerned about that - my aunt and uncle are planning to make a few appts with a therapist to discuss how to handle the situation carefully, because overall (not just the cat thing), it's a sticky situation.
Bluntly put, it sounds like he's killed her cat. If that's the case, the relationship is already an abusive one.
 
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lovemybabies

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Originally Posted by Satai

Bluntly put, it sounds like he's killed her cat. If that's the case, the relationship is already an abusive one.
We thinked he kicked her out. There's coyotes in their area, so he wouldn't have to do much beyond letting her out to guarantee she wouldn't be back. It just turns my stomach knowing (well, believing rather) that he could do that to his own wife, knowing how much she loved Lola.
 

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I think that is an excellent idea on your Aunt & Uncle's part
what you said about him being emotionally abusive was basically what i was kinda thinking, but I didn't want to say it (type it?) out loud and risk seriously offending you, I'm glad your family is being proactive about this
I also agree with Satai, even if he didn't physically kill Lola himself he may as well have by putting her outside with coyotes
like most abusive people it starts out small, eg animals, and works its way up, your cousin and her baby will be in my thoughts. Anybody who doesn't like cats has got problems
 
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lovemybabies

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Originally Posted by katiemae1277

I think that is an excellent idea on your Aunt & Uncle's part
what you said about him being emotionally abusive was basically what i was kinda thinking, but I didn't want to say it (type it?) out loud and risk seriously offending you, I'm glad your family is being proactive about this
I also agree with Satai, even if he didn't physically kill Lola himself he may as well have by putting her outside with coyotes
like most abusive people it starts out small, eg animals, and works its way up, your cousin and her baby will be in my thoughts. Anybody who doesn't like cats has got problems
Agreed - we don't want Elise to have to grow up with someone who acts like he does. He's quite possessive of her, and not in a loving way. She's a year old and his only way of "showing affection" is just patting her on the head kinda awkwardly. That drives us all crazy!

And even though she's only a year old, whatever she does isn't good enough, you know? My mom bought her those "puzzle" things, the ones that have a circle, triangle, and square with knobs on them that you try to put in their respective places, and when she "didn't figure it out" in under a minute, Dan said, "Well, she doesn't understand the puzzle thing. Her cousin Lydia knows where all 50 states are."

Luckily Kate kind of shut him down by telling him, no, Lydia only know where the pieces go. And that Elise is not Lydia.

I know this sounds awful of me, but seeing what he's becoming, I find myself wishing they would split up!
 

katiemae1277

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Originally Posted by LoveMyBabies

Agreed - we don't want Elise to have to grow up with someone who acts like he does. He's quite possessive of her, and not in a loving way. She's a year old and his only way of "showing affection" is just patting her on the head kinda awkwardly. That drives us all crazy!

And even though she's only a year old, whatever she does isn't good enough, you know? My mom bought her those "puzzle" things, the ones that have a circle, triangle, and square with knobs on them that you try to put in their respective places, and when she "didn't figure it out" in under a minute, Dan said, "Well, she doesn't understand the puzzle thing. Her cousin Lydia knows where all 50 states are."

Luckily Kate kind of shut him down by telling him, no, Lydia only know where the pieces go. And that Elise is not Lydia.

I know this sounds awful of me, but seeing what he's becoming, I find myself wishing they would split up!
I guess the only thing you can do is hope that your cousin doesn't let the situation get very bad before she seeks help, lots of hugs to you and your family! :hugs2:
 
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lovemybabies

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Originally Posted by katiemae1277

I guess the only thing you can do is hope that your cousin doesn't let the situation get very bad before she seeks help, lots of hugs to you and your family! :hugs2:
Thank you
I'm hoping so too - even if she would just start small, like persuading him to let them get an animal for the house. They have the space and time for one, and they aren't having any other kids, so I really hope Kate puts her foot down on getting another cat, esp. since Elise loves them so much!
 

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I sure understand your family not wanting to do anything that would cause him to isolate them and not allowing them to see you.

It seems as though you all have a good idea of his personality and are taking the correct measures to deal with it in a positive manner. It truly sounds as though he has some problems. How he treats his wife in private may be a whole different manner than in public and not always for the better. Also, his daughter may grow up hating him if he continues comparing her with others.

I'm glad to hear your aunt and uncle are taking steps to learn how to deal with him and hopefully - one way or the other - your cousin will be able to fix the problems with him or be able to escape from him.

Your cousin may well need all your support somewhere down the road.
 
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lovemybabies

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Originally Posted by Yosemite

Your cousin may well need all your support somewhere down the road.
That's why we are playing it safe - an open arms policy is the best policy. We don't wan't to alienate her into thinking that just because we don't like him doesn't mean we don't want to see her or Elise!
 

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Tell him he is wrong. Cats can be great around kids, just like every other animal. As long as she doesn't pull their tails or plays rough with them she will be fine. Tell him if he is going to continue to act that way then he is no longer welcome. But I would do that last one as a last straw.
 

willie'slove

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Cats, Cats
They're good for your soul!
The more you pet em'
The more you love em'

The more you love em'
The better you feel
So pet your cats with every meal!!
 

willie'slove

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Oh my goodness!! Thats horrible. There is no way you should let him do that.

Tell him that if hes so open to hating cats, then why shouldn't you be so open to hating (or disliking) him!!!

He is a wrong man!!
 
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