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My beautiful Babygirl

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 

Im really ashamed about her story. But inspite of me, I want to pay tribute to her.
Everytime I see her picture, it brings me to tears.

Ive said before I was always afraid of cats. About 14 years ago this sweet beautiful calico came into my life. She came up to my front door one day, skinny, hungry, flea infested. Inspite of my fear, I brought her in. After a vet visit, she was on the road to a happy life. I didnt understand cats at the time, so when she wanted outside, I let her go. And as you can see, not only did she not have a collar, she was not chipped, either.

Every morning, she went to the front door and waited for me to open it for her. At dusk, all I had to do was call her name and she came running. She slept with me every night. She would go under the covers and turn around laying her head on the pillow, with her body under the covers. She was so friendly to everyone who came over. Altho, I still didnt understand the need of a cat, as far as me protecting her, she was one cat, I was no longer afraid of.

She was my Babygirl for 10 years. About 4 years ago. I had to go out of town for a month. I had a friend come by to keep up with her routine. Let her out in the morning and in at night. I would call at night to let her hear my voice.

When I returned home, Babygirl was not there. I frantically called for her, walking the streets that night and many many nights. She never came home ever. To this day, I drive by my old home, looking for her, thinking she might be on my porch again. She was 14 years old when I lost her. She would be 18 now. I always pray that someone kind took her in and fed her and loved her keeping her off the streets, putting a collar on her, something more than what I did for her.

I am overwhelmed with guilt sometimes that I let her down. I didnt protect her. I didnt get her off the streets. I didnt simply put a collar on her.
Babygirl, I love you so very much. Im sorry I wasnt there for you. Im sorry I didnt keep you safe. I thought I would be there for you always. I left you not knowing I would never see you again. I hope you forgive me my sweet Babygirl. I hope you were safe and happy. That you had the love you so very much deserve. If you have passed Rest in Peace my sweet Babygirl. I will see your beautiful face again.
post #2 of 15
What a beautiful tribute to Babygirl, Pamela. Please don't let this guilt manifest inside of you anymore Many cats lose their collars when they are outside, there was no guarantee that would have made a difference... Sweetie, you took amazing care of her. Despite the fear you felt for cats you brought her in and gave her a wonderful home. Babygirl holds a special place in your heart and is always with you. You will be reunited again. Please try to find comfort in that and allow yourself to heal. We are all right here for you.
post #3 of 15
Aww Pamela You have nothing to be ashamed about!. If anything Babygirl is the one who made you have a different outlook on cats

If she has passed then she'll be over the bridge now, and she'll be there to see you again one day, so just incase i'll light a candle for her

She's gorgeous as well!

post #4 of 15
Bless your heart!! Oh Pami she is so beautiful and if she is no longer here she's healthy and playing and waiting for you in heaven. I understand you feeling guilty but you need to let that go at some point because Babygirl would not want you to feel that way, you gave her a good home. She came to you an outdoor cat that was the life she knew and liked. I hope you can find comfort in your memories of her. This was a beautiful tribute to her!
post #5 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thank you. This is really the first time I have expressed my feelings outwardly because it has always been too painful for me. Theres always more to the story and the more here, according to some neighbors was that Babygirl was left out almost every night I was gone. The person I had to come over for her, admitted to me that Babygirl wasnt around when he would come by. And that when I called to let her hear me, she was never there. A neighbor put some food out for her, but she never came to eat. She was a senior, who deserved to be inside. I always wish some kind person took her in, so I dont have to imagine that as an old lady she was out starving trying to find food or getting beat up or run over. I just wish and will always wish that as an old lady she wasnt outside fending for herself. And thats what makes me feel so guilty.

My guilt fuels me to spoil my cats rotten now, inside, with comfort. But I will never ever forget my Babygirl!
post #6 of 15
I'm so sorry for your loss, and for you sense of guilt. Please remember that learning is a process, we don't know or understand these things by instinct. You have learned. That is all any of us can do. Please don't hold on to the guilt, but rather hold on to your love of her.

When you meet at Rainbow Bridge, you can kiss her tiny nose, and she will know that you did as best you understood at the time, with only love in your heart.
post #7 of 15
Oh dear, Pamela, this is so very touching. This must be so incredibly painful for you to have lost your little girl, your precious love and constant companion for 10 years. It's dreadful enough to lose someone we love so dearly, but all this time you have felt that you are to blame.

Discussing these difficult feelings has taken so much courage. It's sometimes helpful to be able to place the blame for such a tragedy, and too often with a tender heart such as yours, we end up placing it all on ourself. Please know this wasn't your fault, Pamela. You gave Babygirl all that you had, all of your love, your time, and showered her with everything within you, including the best health and protection you knew to provide. When you were away, you took every step you knew to keep her on her usual routine to provide as much security as possible. You must have been overwhelmed with grief to return and find she did not hear her Mommy's voice when you called for her. Day after day, calling to your Babygirl, you must have felt so desperate in your search for her, all the while the "what if's" coming to mind.

It sounds as if you're still haunted by what you may have done differently. As we learn from our experiences, we often look back thinking "if I had known then...". Please see that you saved Babygirl's life, filling her life with love and care. You did everything you knew at the time. Babygirl loves you so much, and surely wouldn't change a single thing about your life together.

Yes, one day you will be reunited with your beautiful baby, today she is so happy looking forward to the day she once again hears and comes running to her Mommy's loving voice. Bless you, Pamela, and special hugs to you.
post #8 of 15
She was a lovely girl, and this is a lovely tribute. I do hope that by writing this tribute, it will help you come to terms with your guilt. You gave her a lovely life, and I am sure that she is grateful, and doesn't blame you. You have also learnt from this experience and done things differently with your new cats, plus she got you over your fear of cats, so maybe she came into your life to show you how wonderful cats are. There could have been a reason why she went when she did, and I doubt that her having a collar on would have made that much difference, as they can lose them so easily.
post #9 of 15
I am very sure you will see her again.

If she could talk i am also very sure she would tell you thank you for giving me home and a bed to sleep in for all those years.

let the gulit feelings go,and thank her for showing you how much better life is when it also comes with are 4 legged friends.
post #10 of 15
All things happen for a reason even though we may not know nor understand why. Your tribute to Babygirl is a testament to the fact that your shared time together enhanced both your lives. This makes your loss and guilt so heartfelt.

It is not your fault that Babygirl has moved on, sometimes things happen that are out of our control. Here's hoping that you'll be able to relieve yourself of the guilt you feel by remembering Babygirl fondly and knowing that you both met in this life for a purpose and will see each other again at the Bridge. In the meantime, indulge and love your beautiful kitties as the rest of us do our own.
post #11 of 15
I cannot say anything that has not been expressed by others here. I am sorry for your loss. I know it's hard to get past feeling guilty, but don't let it eat away at you Babygirl had what sounds like a lovely 10 yrs with you. I'm sure she feels very lucky.
post #12 of 15
Pam, no matter when or how we lose our furbabies, the guilt always overwhelms us. You always ask yourself what you could have done differently to prevent it. You eventually need to let the guilt go. You have carried this around for far too long. Please think of the wonderful life you gave Babygirl. I am sure that is what she remembers.
post #13 of 15
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I never realized outwardly grieving could actually lighten an emotional load. But for me, somehow it has. I have been focusing on more positive things with Babygirl now. Its the negative "what ifs" that would always make me close up and not think the process completely through. I love her very much and she did bring me so much in my life and right now thats what counts for me. Thank you all, again.
post #14 of 15
Pamela ..
Thank you for trusting us with your deepest feelings.
You did the best you could for Babygirl at that time.
Love Easy & her babies with all of your heart.
You honor Babygirl with that love. (((((hugs)))))
post #15 of 15
Aw, that sounds just awful! I'm very sorry you lost your Babygirl, and that the person you trusted to care for her did not really take care of her!

My heart goes out to you. I am glad you are beginning to heal from this devastating loss. It is past time to forgive yourself.
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