Difficult coworker question (long post)

gingersmom · Aug 17, 2006

I just experienced a VERY scary confrontation with a coworker, male, much taller than I, who flew into a rage and started slamming things around his desk and office simply because I mentioned to him that he hadn't chosen a specific setting for a printout that we are supposed to now be sure to select each time we print to that printer.

He went WAY out of control, and as I have been in abusive relationships in the past, I backed out of the room and tried to end the confrontation as quickly as possible.

He was venomous to me, and when I told him he didn't need to be so snippy with me, that I wasn't attacking him, he started yelling that I'm the snippiest person he's ever met and that I'm snippy to him every single day.

This, is pure bull. While I do have a tendancy to sound witchy at times, I'm a very nice person and I treat others the way that I would like to be treated. I certainly don't fly off the handle the way this guy just did!!

Now here I sit at my desk, shaking and upset, trying to figure out if there was ANYTHING I could have done to diffuse that confrontation. I tried walking away from him and that only made him angrier - you should have heard the banging coming from his office as I walked back to mine!

Then he actually came to my office and stood above my desk yelling at me - I don't even know what he said, all I wanted to do was sink into the floor and disappear - I don't feel that I did ANYTHING to warrant such an attack! And that's exactly what it was, an attack on me!!!

When people are in a rage, there is no such thing as reason - there I sat, a complete victim, unable to figure out what to say or do that would make him stop yelling at me like I'm the worst person in the world.

I can't go to my boss - he's in absentia, and we are lucky to see him once a month, if that. He is a managing partner whose REAL job is to maintain and race our owner's sailboat/yacht, and they are currently doing a race called the Swan Cup in Italy.

Even if I did talk to him about it, it is HIGHLY unlikely that he would do anything. He'd be more inclined to believe that I was just being a witch, because he's a bit of a boys clubber, if you know what I mean.

And beyond that, the coworker, although he's been here for less time than I have, has been given a larger set of responsibilities (again, I see the boys club theme) which on the surface is fine with me. I'm in sales, and my responsibilities are sales, period. I don't want to be responsible for things that won't directly increase my commission and take time away from my being able to close sales.

I've sent an email to our part time office manager, so at least I have this documented, but it's not the first time this guy has flown into a rage in the office, and I KNOW it won't be the last.

I shouldn't have to be subjected to this kind of treatment, EVER!!! I really like my job and don't want to have to look for another, but I will, darn it, if that's what I have to do!!!

Do any of you have any ideas or suggestions about how to handle this guy as we move forward? I've been here at this company for 20 months, and this guy has been here for just 9 months. My sales have been stellar - my goal is 25% growth and my average for the year is beating that by an additional 18%. I don't feel like my job is in danger, just my sense of personal comfort within the office, and my emotional well-being.

I think it's time to get my resume together, which sucks, because I like my job, I like the commute, I like my other coworkers, for the most part, and I like my customers. There aren't many mailing list companies in my area at all, so finding another job doing the same thing will be close to impossible.

I don't like feeling this way AT ALL. I don't like feeling scared that a coworker may hit me. I don't like being afraid that he'll throw something at me. I don't like being scared and upset in the office because of something so STUPID as a missed printer setting, that I was stupid enough to have mentioned - because it's important and will save the company money in addition to reducing wear on the printer in question!

Oh my - what would you do if you were me???

bella713 · Aug 17, 2006

{{{Gingersmom}}} I'm sorry you have to go through something like this. What about your co-workers has he been this way to them too maybe if enough of you have had this experience with him he could be FIRED. I hope this all works out for you sounds like you really like your job.

starryeyedtiger · Aug 17, 2006

If it happens again, go to the person above you- managers, whatever...no matter where they are- leave a message if you have to, then call the police and get it docummented! If anything, you would have tried to go to the management of your company first, and if they don't respond, you should file a police report and have it on file...he has NO right to compromise your comfort or make you feel like you are going to be harmed.

lilleah · Aug 17, 2006

Yikes.
Well I have seen an enraged person only 2 times in my life. And what i did..

Just stare..Into thier eyes. As deep as possible. Dont say a word, Dont listen to a word. Just stare. It calms them down in a heart-beat. Because it shows you are not afraid of them, and it may be hard to keep focused..But Stare.
Really. Took both guys off of me.
Dont act silly or wierd about it, but it just kind of lets them know..Yeah..I'm here, and I'm staring your crazy butt right IN YOUR FACE! It sort of makes them get out of that moment. Sometimes, mad people get really mad, and out of control..and staring is all I've found to work. Just make sure to not say anything. I bet he leaves you alone.
I'm only saying this because you say you have no "higher authority" to go to. Otherwise, I'd say..Go to the higher autority. Fast..Let them know everything.

I'm glad that you have told another co-worker about it. That's excellent. That makes it all kinds of better.
Other than that..Keep your distance from this man. And leave an "anger management" card on his desk.

satai · Aug 17, 2006

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Do any of you have any ideas or suggestions about how to handle this guy as we move forward?

No. Handling this guy is what I think you should absolutely refrain from doing.

That's work's problem. Your problem is just to keep yourself safe.

Refuse to have anything to do with him.

Originally Posted by GingersMom

I shouldn't have to be subjected to this kind of treatment, EVER!!! I really like my job and don't want to have to look for another, but I will, darn it, if that's what I have to do!!!

You should make this clear to your boss/owner/office manager. Don't make it an ultimatum - but do make it clear that you like your job, you know you do it well, but those aren't good enough compensations for the risk of bullying.

I would also talk to a citizen's advice bureau or equivalent. In Ireland, if you bring something like this to your boss' attention and s/he does nothing, and you feel you must quit to get out of the situation, you can sue for constructive dismissal and the harassment etc. - quite possibly also victimisation if you are treated badly for making the complaint.

Originally Posted by GingersMom

I've been here at this company for 20 months, and this guy has been here for just 9 months. My sales have been stellar - my goal is 25% growth and my average for the year is beating that by an additional 18%. I don't feel like my job is in danger, just my sense of personal comfort within the office, and my emotional well-being.

I think it's time to get my resume together, which sucks, because I like my job, I like the commute, I like my other coworkers, for the most part, and I like my customers. There aren't many mailing list companies in my area at all, so finding another job doing the same thing will be close to impossible.

I don't like feeling this way AT ALL. I don't like feeling scared that a coworker may hit me. I don't like being afraid that he'll throw something at me. I don't like being scared and upset in the office because of something so STUPID as a missed printer setting, that I was stupid enough to have mentioned - because it's important and will save the company money in addition to reducing wear on the printer in question!
Oh my - what would you do if you were me???

I would reword that part of the post slightly, and make that the bulk of the letter I was talking about above. That's what I would do.

Good luck, that is an awful situation to be in.

gailc · Aug 17, 2006

Does he act this way around you or others too???
Too bad you have absent mgmt-perhaps you could sit dow with him and office mgr ? or another person in authority to find out whats causing the anger??
If a little thing like a printer sets him off-yikes I would be scared to see what else could happen.

lokismum · Aug 17, 2006

This guy sounds seriously deranged. File a formal complaint against him with whatever redress mechanism you have at work. Make sure everything is documented, including your witness etc. I certainly wouldn't want someone like this working anywhere near our staff! This is harassment and needs to be addressed right away!

lookingglass · Aug 17, 2006

March your self in to HR tomorrow morning. Don't leave until they've assured you that this will NEVER happen again. In a professional environment you should not put up with this behavior. This guy needs to see someone about anger management issues.

cinder · Aug 17, 2006

I reread your post a couple of times and I'm not certain with conditions as you state them, why you want to stay. You say you're fine with it. Your job many be acceptable now, but do you want your future dictacted by your performance and goals? Or a *boy clubber*?

You mentioned a couple of times that you either come off witchy or that's how they perceive you. How come?

This big guy flys into a *rage* and starts slamming stuff around and on the way out you tell him he doesn't need to get *snippy*? Going into a rage where you yell and throw stuff is a long way from being snippy. What was the reaction from other coworkers? Has he thrown this type of tantrum directed toward other people too? If so, it should be a given that your human resources department will take some sort of action. Unless they're *boy clubbers* too, in which case I suggest you get that resume polished.

Did you type this post from work right after the incident happened? If so, see what his manner is toward you tomorrow when you have both calmed down. If you can talk about it, maybe he'll gain a better understanding of how he comes across to others. And maybe you'll find out what really set him off. Otherwise, unless you're willing to accept this type of behavior in the future, I think you'll have to document it and talk to your immediate supervisor. Just IMO though...

nelle · Aug 17, 2006

Depending upon how many employees your employer employs (unintentionally funny phrase), you may have a hostile working environment case, and if your supervisor does nothing about it, (assuming you have told him/her that this is happening), you can sue for damages.

For Heaven's sake, why should you take abuse from a co-worker? See HR, as suggested above. Read up on the law online (*$$$ for FREE$$$*) and procede as the circumstances warrant.
It is 2006, we women-folk don't have to take this *&^%&*% anymore!

BTW, I like the stare technique! I will try it next time some fool man (or woman) tries to mess with me. Sadly, most of the folks I deal with on a daily basis have already scratched me off their list of people they can bully

ebongrey · Aug 17, 2006

That sounds like the definition for hostile work environment. I think you did the right thing by informing your supervisory department. The only advice I have, is if you have an hr department, inform them as well. Keep documented notes about any incident that happens between you and this person. You are in the right here.

Originally Posted by GingersMom

I just experienced a VERY scary confrontation with a coworker, male, much taller than I, who flew into a rage and started slamming things around his desk and office simply because I mentioned to him that he hadn't chosen a specific setting for a printout that we are supposed to now be sure to select each time we print to that printer.

He went WAY out of control, and as I have been in abusive relationships in the past, I backed out of the room and tried to end the confrontation as quickly as possible.

He was venomous to me, and when I told him he didn't need to be so snippy with me, that I wasn't attacking him, he started yelling that I'm the snippiest person he's ever met and that I'm snippy to him every single day.

This, is pure bull. While I do have a tendancy to sound witchy at times, I'm a very nice person and I treat others the way that I would like to be treated. I certainly don't fly off the handle the way this guy just did!!

Now here I sit at my desk, shaking and upset, trying to figure out if there was ANYTHING I could have done to diffuse that confrontation. I tried walking away from him and that only made him angrier - you should have heard the banging coming from his office as I walked back to mine!

Then he actually came to my office and stood above my desk yelling at me - I don't even know what he said, all I wanted to do was sink into the floor and disappear - I don't feel that I did ANYTHING to warrant such an attack! And that's exactly what it was, an attack on me!!!

When people are in a rage, there is no such thing as reason - there I sat, a complete victim, unable to figure out what to say or do that would make him stop yelling at me like I'm the worst person in the world.

I can't go to my boss - he's in absentia, and we are lucky to see him once a month, if that. He is a managing partner whose REAL job is to maintain and race our owner's sailboat/yacht, and they are currently doing a race called the Swan Cup in Italy.

Even if I did talk to him about it, it is HIGHLY unlikely that he would do anything. He'd be more inclined to believe that I was just being a witch, because he's a bit of a boys clubber, if you know what I mean.

And beyond that, the coworker, although he's been here for less time than I have, has been given a larger set of responsibilities (again, I see the boys club theme) which on the surface is fine with me. I'm in sales, and my responsibilities are sales, period. I don't want to be responsible for things that won't directly increase my commission and take time away from my being able to close sales.

I've sent an email to our part time office manager, so at least I have this documented, but it's not the first time this guy has flown into a rage in the office, and I KNOW it won't be the last.

I shouldn't have to be subjected to this kind of treatment, EVER!!! I really like my job and don't want to have to look for another, but I will, darn it, if that's what I have to do!!!

Do any of you have any ideas or suggestions about how to handle this guy as we move forward? I've been here at this company for 20 months, and this guy has been here for just 9 months. My sales have been stellar - my goal is 25% growth and my average for the year is beating that by an additional 18%. I don't feel like my job is in danger, just my sense of personal comfort within the office, and my emotional well-being.

I think it's time to get my resume together, which sucks, because I like my job, I like the commute, I like my other coworkers, for the most part, and I like my customers. There aren't many mailing list companies in my area at all, so finding another job doing the same thing will be close to impossible.

I don't like feeling this way AT ALL. I don't like feeling scared that a coworker may hit me. I don't like being afraid that he'll throw something at me. I don't like being scared and upset in the office because of something so STUPID as a missed printer setting, that I was stupid enough to have mentioned - because it's important and will save the company money in addition to reducing wear on the printer in question!

Oh my - what would you do if you were me???

gardenandcats · Aug 17, 2006

If it was me I would NOT put up with this. I would go to work tommorow march right up to MR difficult co worker and tell him . Look buddy this is whats going to happen. If you ever ever come into my office and get into my face and yell at me ever again. I'm picking up the phone and calling 911 and let the police deal with you! And I would actually do that. He has no right to do that. You where scared that he might physically harm you. And whos to know he just might.
Don't let any person intimidate you in your place of work.Thereare laws against that....

lunasmom · Aug 18, 2006

As stated before, DEFINITELY talk to human resources about it. I still would document it with the manager, absent or not.
Put in the letter/email something to the tune of "I do not expect this abuse on the workplace to continue"

Were there witnesses? cameras? If this guy continues to do this definitely document each occassion. If nothing is done about it, then definitely talk to a lawyer.
I would also prepare your resume, just incase nothing is done.

gingersmom · Aug 18, 2006

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I work in an office of just 6 people, and we do not have an HR department.

Here's my a.m. update on this. The incident happened last evening just before end of day - in fact, less than an hour before I posted it here.

I emailed the details to my office manager, and was scared to approach my boss because I wasn't sure that he'd be supportive. However, after an emotional breakdown at my dentist's office last night, receiving their advice, then going to a close friend who got angry about it along with me, I made the decision to call my boss, hope that if I just got his voicemail that I could ask him to call me about an office issue, and hope that he wouldn't call the other guy before calling me, so I'd have an unbiased ear.

Well, I called my boss's cell phone around 8 p.m. last night, and he actually answered the phone! This, all by itself, is a very unusual phenominon. So I took it as a good sign, and as calmly as possible, explained what happened. I did get emotional, but I'd been emotional for hours at that point.

He assured me that I didn't have to worry about my job, that I should just go ahead and be myself in the office, that I did the right thing, and that he will address it on Monday morning when he makes one of his oh-so-rare appearances in the office. And this morning I sent him an email, here's an excerpt:

Thank you for letting me come to you, and for listening to me last night. Again, I'm sorry to have had to call you, but it is really scary to even speak up about something like this, especially because when things are going well with the team, they are going really well. And ***'s work here has been incredibly beneficial to the company, I won't discount that for a moment. But I've been afraid that if I spoke to you about it, that it would appear as if I'm tattling. However, this is a very serious issue, that only stands to get worse if left unaddressed.

There have been quite a few other episodes where *** has flown into a rage in the office, but this one was the absolute worst and crossed the line into verbal and emotional abuse. I was terrified of him, and I should never be put in the position of being physically scared of a coworker.

I appreciate that you will talk to him about it. Please understand that a simple apology is not acceptable, nor do I want one from him, as it will not change what has occurred. Abusive people are famous for making apologies that mean nothing. They explode, they apologize, then they are okay for a little while, then bang, they explode again when you least expect it.

What I would like is to be able to come into the office every day without fear that a minor comment such as "you didn't check off monochrome on the printer" is going to cause an explosive and scary situation. I shouln't have to worry about being made victim to someone else's misplaced and mismanaged anger.

And at lunch today, I am going around the corner to the police station to find out if I can put a complaint on record so that it is on file. At this point, I'd prefer that they not investigate it, but just have the information in case I wind up needing to call them in to escort this guy out of the office.

I feel so much better today, and the jerk is on vacation today so I don't have to deal with him until Monday, at which point the boss will be coming in, so I'm breathing a bit easier.

But I'm still worried about how things will go on Monday, and whether or not I'll have to deal with any retalliation.

This so stinks, but I do think I'm handling it the right way. My office manager told me she'll back me up, because she's had a run in with this guy as well, and she thinks that the other female in the office has too, but that we've been too afraid to say anything about it, as we knew that this guy has had the boss' ear.

I'll keep you guys posted on Monday - please send protection vibes my way!!!

Big hugs!!!!

gardenandcats · Aug 18, 2006

Thats great that your boss is supportive of you. One suggestion. If I where you I would go get some pepper spray and keep it in a handy spot that you can get it at a moments notice. You never know about people and if this co worker did get out of hand and was going to physically harm you.Then you at least have some sort of protection. Better safe then sorry. You'll probably never need it but it will give you a feeling of security..

lunasmom · Aug 18, 2006

Good job!!!

As long as this guy knows that he can't get away with abusing people on the job, then over time he'll figure out why he may have lost his job or is being constantly sat down.

I feel for you too...at least this guy is disposable. I had a run in with the owner's son where I work and from the stories I heard after the event, this guy sounds a lot like your coworker. Unfortunately I and others could rack up complaints, but they would all go unheard of because he's daddy's son.

Anyhoo back to you. Try putting a sign up saying something about "Welcome to the nice zone" or oh wait, this one was good. A former boss of mine had a sign that said "I smile when some people walk in this office and I smile when others leave"

mirinae · Aug 18, 2006

I'm glad to hear your boss is supportive of you, and I hope things go well with you on Monday. I have a bit of advice to share in dealing with difficult people; I gleaned this advice after two years of bartending (having to talk down angry drunks without the benefit of a big, strong bouncer) and attending a few self-defense courses.

When dealing with an angry person, remember that body language and tone of voice are key. Because women typically have a higher-pitched voice than men, they are often perceived as weaker (some women can sound like children); pitch your voice low -- not so low it sounds like you're doing an impression of James Earl Jones

just lower than your usual pitch and remember to speak slowly and calmly. Don't whisper and try not to shout. If you whisper you sound frightened; if you shout you just egg your bully on. Speaking slowly allows you to gather your wits and it helps to keep the shaking from your voice, if you're really scared; it also gives you time to think about what you're saying, because we often say things we don't mean in the heat of an argument. Maintain eye contact; looking away or cringing lets your opponent know you're frightened -- and even if you are, there's no need to give them that power over you. If you're standing, keep your arms loose at your sides; crossed arms make you seem defensive. Try to keep something between you and your opponent: a desk, a chair, several feet of open space if there's nothing else available. If you're sitting, sit straight and rest your hands palm-down on your knees or on the desk if there's one in front of you. (Resting them like this helps to keep them from shaking.) Above all else, be aware of your surroundings. If he makes a sudden move towards you, is there someplace you can go (don't back yourself into a corner!) or someone you can call for help? Don't ever let yourself be alone with him (not that you're likely to let that happen!). Remember that you have the right to defend yourself.

Good luck!

cinder · Aug 18, 2006

It does appear that you've covered your bases.

Several people have asked whether anyone else actually witnessed (or heard) the confrontation, and it sounds like they did not. Your office manager's support is apparently based on a previous incident and I have no way of knowing whether that has been documented.

You have never really described the incident so I'm not sure if throwing things means wadding papers up and throwing them in the wastebasket then slamming his pen on the desk, or bouncing stuff off the walls, kicking the copier, etc... I also think that *what* he said has a great deal to say with how the situation will eventually be resolved by management. Ex, if he yelled "Damn, I wish they'd just program this crap right to begin with. I'm sick and tired of having to reprint...blah blah blah" Or if it was more like "No one asked you to come in here and stick your nose in my business, now get out and mind your own freaking business...blah blah blah". Either way, inappropriate, but the disciplinary actions taken could and probably should differ.

You also said he came into your office and yelled at you, but you were too upset to really know what he said. I would try real hard to remember cause it might make a difference whether they discipline the guy or fire him. If he yelled, "I don't appreciate you coming into my office an hour before I leave for vacation and causing me to have to reprint all my reports" is one thing, but if he threatened you, then he should be history.

I guess I'm just saying that being specific is very important. Come Monday your coworker is going to present his side of the story, which apparently begins with you going into his office.

About that slow, level tone of voice...

My employees used to laugh at me cause the more irate a client/customer got, the slower I would talk. I think the color red progressing up my neck and face was also a pretty good indicator.

mirinae · Aug 18, 2006

Originally Posted by Cinder

About that slow, level tone of voice...

My employees used to laugh at me cause the more irate a client/customer got, the slower I would talk. I think the color red progressing up my neck and face was also a pretty good indicator.

Yeah, my coworkers know that me speaking slowly and calmly to someone means I'm trying very, very hard not to shove a pencil up that person's

-- I'm patient, but c'mon, give a girl a break!

cinder · Aug 18, 2006

Originally Posted by Mirinae

Yeah, my coworkers know that me speaking slowly and calmly to someone means I'm trying very, very hard not to shove a pencil up that person's

--

I can picture them all scattering when you head for the pencil sharpener.

Difficult coworker question (long post)

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