Difficult coworker question (long post)

Originally Posted by Cinder

It does appear that you've covered your bases.

Several people have asked whether anyone else actually witnessed (or heard) the confrontation, and it sounds like they did not. Your office manager's support is apparently based on a previous incident and I have no way of knowing whether that has been documented..

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I'm sorry that I didn't respond to that question. Yes, there were two employees that witnessed the incident. One is a close friend of the jerk, and he is a new hire, so I do not expect back-up from him, as he won't want to assist in getting his friend into trouble. Also, his comment after the fact was, "well, he's of Italian descent, so you've got to expect that."

EXCUSE ME????

The other employee is a female that has stated that she needs to "tiptoe" around the jerk to avoid any rage issues. She has also spoken to the office manager about it, but I do not believe she has documented anything in writing.

My office manager's previous incident HAS been documented - she saved the email that the jerk sent her in apology for that particular outburst.

Originally Posted by Cinder

You have never really described the incident so I'm not sure if throwing things means wadding papers up and throwing them in the wastebasket then slamming his pen on the desk, or bouncing stuff off the walls, kicking the copier, etc... I also think that *what* he said has a great deal to say with how the situation will eventually be resolved by management. Ex, if he yelled "Damn, I wish they'd just program this crap right to begin with. I'm sick and tired of having to reprint...blah blah blah" Or if it was more like "No one asked you to come in here and stick your nose in my business, now get out and mind your own freaking business...blah blah blah". Either way, inappropriate, but the disciplinary actions taken could and probably should differ.

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Because the slamming and throwing of things ocurred after I left his office, I did not see what he was doing, but the sounds echoed through the office, and my other coworkers were witness to those sounds.

I cannot repeat here the things that he yelled due to the nature of them, as this is a forum where off-color language cannot be used. And honestly, it isn't so much *what* he said, it is the manner in which he was yelling at me.

The venom on his face - you'd have thought that he was a 4 year old and I'd just taken his favorite toy away. He attacked me verbally with great malice, and my walking away from it only served to escalate his misplaced anger.

Originally Posted by Cinder

You also said he came into your office and yelled at you, but you were too upset to really know what he said. I would try real hard to remember cause it might make a difference whether they discipline the guy or fire him. If he yelled, "I don't appreciate you coming into my office an hour before I leave for vacation and causing me to have to reprint all my reports" is one thing, but if he threatened you, then he should be history.

I guess I'm just saying that being specific is very important. Come Monday your coworker is going to present his side of the story, which apparently begins with you going into his office.

About that slow, level tone of voice...

My employees used to laugh at me cause the more irate a client/customer got, the slower I would talk. I think the color red progressing up my neck and face was also a pretty good indicator.

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I have detailed the incident in writing to my office manager and have forwarded that accounting to my boss. I wish I could remember what he said when he was yelling at me in MY office, towering over me as I sat with my back against a wall and no means of escape if he had decided to physically act out against me, but I was in shock and he was completely irrational. Again, what he said matters much less than the manner in which he assaulted me. It WAS an assault, in the eyes of the law, and I've done the very best I can to cover the bases.

I should also mention that I am diagnosed with PTSD, and an anxiety disorder as a result of my daughter having been the victim of an attempted murder in 2001 - her throat was slashed and she was left in the woods to die when she was just 15 years old, by her former boyfriend. Thank God she survived, we are so blessed.

I am also a former victim of domestic abuse, and when a man over 6 feet tall (I'm only 5'2") yells at me in pure rage about ANYTHING, I cannot help but cower in pure fear. I can't help it - I really wish I could, but I was absolutely TERRIFIED, and I don't think that not remembering what he was yelling at that point should be held against me in any way. I was a victim of a man's misplaced rage - why should I take ANY responsibility for that???

All I said to trigger his explosion was, very specifically: "You didn't choose the monochrome setting for the printer." That's all I said, and in NO WAY does that comment warrant such a vicious verbal attack.

Whatever my coworkers story will be on Monday, I have at least one witness to corroberate my story, and an office manager with a documented incident of her own with this jerk. If for any reason I wind up having my job be in jeopardy as a result of this, a lawsuit WILL occur.

Originally Posted by GingersMom

I should also mention that I am diagnosed with PTSD, and an anxiety disorder as a result of my daughter having been the victim of an attempted murder in 2001 - her throat was slashed and she was left in the woods to die when she was just 15 years old, by her former boyfriend. Thank God she survived, we are so blessed.

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I did not know that. How very fortunate you are that your daughter survived.

I'm not personally familiar with PTSD, but I do know how upset I feel when people yell at me in traffic, clients threaten lawsuits, etc. I'm sorry that you have to go through this difficult situation at work. Work in itself can be a pain in the butt, without this kind of added stress.

I cant' imagine how difficult this all must be and how scary. I have a coworker that sort of talks to himself under his breath adn that freaks me out a little. One time he got upset and slammed a few things. He probably thought he was alone in the office since I'm off in a corner and usually really quiet. This made me extremely uncomfortable and makes me nervous on occasion. But what you describe is so much worse! I'm scared to death of men when they get all full of testosterone and I've never had any bad experiences...

I just went to the local police station, literally around the corner from my office, with a copy of the email communications about this incident to my office manager and boss, and filed a complaint for the record with the police.

The officer I spoke to was very nice, he recalled my daughter's attempted murder (and shared his anger with me about the perp's verdict - the kid got off with a juvie sentence instead of receiving any real time on the 30 years in prison he was facing), so he could absolutely understand the fear position I am operating from with this incident.

He took careful notes and promised to make a report that will not be investigated but will go on file, so that if I have any future issues, I can call 911 and they'll be right over to assist.

I'm still shaky, but I've completely covered my bases, and all I can do now is wait and see what happens when the boss addresses this on Monday. I'm half-expecting more fireworks, and fully hoping there will be none.

Thank you all so much for your comments and support, I really appreciate you letting me vent about this here.

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Also, his comment after the fact was, "well, he's of Italian descent, so you've got to expect that."

EXCUSE ME????

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I agree, I hate when people use their ancestry as an excuse for their behaviour. If he's a U.S. citizen and his parents were born here, then he is NOT 100% Italian, he's America just like the rest of us and his actions are condusive to his upbringing rather than his heritage.

Originally Posted by lunasmom

I agree, I hate when people use their ancestry as an excuse for their behaviour. If he's a U.S. citizen and his parents were born here, then he is NOT 100% Italian, he's America just like the rest of us and his actions are condusive to his upbringing rather than his heritage.

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There's that - and there's also the fact that the way he acted would not have been considered acceptable in Italy, either. Rage is rage, not a regional quirk.

Well, everyone is in the office, including the boss, and I'm feeling really anxious. And I spilled coffee on my shirt.

I'm a bit scared - I know that the atmosphere in the office will change as soon as my coworker is called onto the carpet, just not sure how.

Please send me good vibes, guys. I don't want to be sick to my stomach all day!!!

Oh, poor thing. If nothing happens by lunchtime, run out and get a new shirt - you'll feel a bit less vulnerable when whatever happens happens.

Good luck!

Remember nothing is your fault. You were justified in what you did IMO!!!
Take deep breaths!!

Just caught up with this thread.........one thing you guys probably don't know about me.......I cannot be intimidated and this guy would have backed down........no doubt! I'm with you on this.........sending lots of calming vibes!

Thank you all so much. You know, it's funny. I ride a Harley, I'm a "biker-chick" and in general, I'm not easily intimidated. In fact, I'm always accused of being the intimidating one because I have a strong personality and I take no crap from folks.

However, as a formerly abused woman, when facing a man in a rage, knowing full well that this makes him unpredictable, I turn inward seeking protection, thereby coming across as vulnerable and a victim.

The fact that I've been hit in the face by a man in a similar rage changes what would be the normal dynamic. And especially since this incident took place in my office environment leaves me feeling even more powerless, because I do not have any authority over this coworker.

Update: a female coworker reported to me that she saw the boss go into this guy's office and that there was a closed-door conversation. The boss has left for the day, and has not directly confirmed to me that he addressed the issue with the coworker.

So far today I have managed to avoid any direct contact with the jerk, but as our office is SO small, I know that this is a small blessing that can't continue.

Obviously, the guy isn't being let go, and I can only assume that he received a warning, verbal rather than written. This makes me very glad that I reported the rage incident to the police on Friday, so my back is covered if there is any repeat occurrance and I need to call for assistance.

I really hate it when parts of my life are not in my own control!!!

Thanks again for all your support!

Bless your heart. I'm sorry he didn't let the guy go..he definitely should have after the turmoil he has caused. I'm soo sorrt to hear about your current work situation. If it's any consulation- i worke at a hotel for almost 2-3 yrs...i know what raging people are all about. I agree with a previous poster- keep a small bottle of pepper spray with you- it will ease your mind a little that if something happens, you know you have a way to somewhat defend yourself. Keep you chin up honey. I'm sending you lots of good vibes!

I had a similar situation with a co-worker a couple of months ago. I work the graveyard shilft, and he is the 1st person in, in the morning. I work alone with him for about 45 minutes to an hour. Now, mind you, I didn't do a bloody thing to this guy. However, he took major offense to where I'd parked my car the night before. Now, it wasn't in HIS spot, but in a spot he likes to use on Fridays. He came in to the office, screaming and cursing at me, wanting to know why I parked my car there. I tried to explain that I didn't want to get blocked in, and the boss who is the person who usually blocks me in, does not like to move his car for me, in the morning. So, I parked in that spot so as not to cause any trouble for anyone, including myself.

He called me every name in the book, told me how I was inconsiderate, and a ME, ME, ME, person. He just WOULDN'T STOP. Finally, I sent him a note via computer telling him, "he could be the nicest person in the world (which is true), but there are times, when he can be really cruel" He came back at me, and cursed me out. He told me to shut my (bleep) mouth, but he continued to harp on me, saying I was stupid. Telling me that I would never be invited to his home again, blah blah blah.. I stood up, and I raised my voice, and said, "You told me to shut my mouth, which I'm doing, now YOU shut your mouth, too." However, at the end of it, I told him, I was sorry that I had upset him, and that I didn't want to fight. I hated myself for days, for doing that, because I hadn't done a THING to him. I was going to be getting off work at 8am and he could move his car, if he wanted to. However, he always has to move his car anyway, at that time, because the space belongs to one of the other tenants in the building.

Anyway, I haven't spoken to him since that time, and he hasn't spoken to me. At least I'm not being attacked. At least not to my face, anyway.

Well, I thought my boss was gone for the day, but I was wrong. As I was headed out at 2:30 to go grab a sandwich to bring back to my desk, he told me that when I got back that he wanted to talk with me.

So off I go to get lunch, now my stomach is doing butterflies again. I figure my best bet is to sit down with the boss before trying to eat, but no, the boss tells me to go eat first, then we'll chat.

So I take my sandwich back to my desk, open it, and can't eat a single bite - the smell is making me ill, and it's a sandwich I eat often, just roast beef w/mayo.

This was more than an hour ago. I haven't eaten a thing, my boss hasn't said boo about talking with me, my stomach is STILL in a knot, and I'm just feeling miserable.

I had to put a call through to the coworker, and I'm keeping my tone as normal as possible, and in return I get a curt tone. Lovely.

Now I'm wondering what on earth the boss is going to say - wouldn't be surprised if the jerk tried to turn it around and blame it on me somehow. That's another thing that abusers are famous for - not taking responsibility for their own actions, especially when they are out of line.

I'm so messed up over this emotionally. I know I have to get my resume together and start job hunting again, no question about it, regardless of what transpires here.

Well, here's hoping that the boss has only good things to say to me, and that things get better around here, at least for the short term!!!

Oh I'm sorry this is so stressful for you...........lot's of good vibes headed your way!!

Good Luck!

I'm surprised that he didn't make the guy apologize to you. Of course like what you said though, abusers rarely take responsibility for their own actions.

Keep us posted!!

Originally Posted by lunasmom

Good Luck!

I'm surprised that he didn't make the guy apologize to you. Of course like what you said though, abusers rarely take responsibility for their own actions.

Keep us posted!!

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Actually, this is exactly what I said to my boss about that:
Please understand that a simple apology is not acceptable, nor do I want one from him, as it will not change what has occurred. Abusive people are famous for making apologies that mean nothing. They explode, they apologize, then they are okay for a little while, then bang, they explode again when you least expect it.

What I would like is to be able to come into the office every day without fear that a minor comment such as "you didn't check off monochrome on the printer" is going to cause an explosive and scary situation. I shouln't have to worry about being made victim to someone else's misplaced and mismanaged anger.

Therefore, I'm not surprised that there hasn't been an apology. I'm still waiting to see what the boss has to say now...

Originally Posted by GingersMom

Actually, this is exactly what I said to my boss about that:
Please understand that a simple apology is not acceptable, nor do I want one from him, as it will not change what has occurred. Abusive people are famous for making apologies that mean nothing. They explode, they apologize, then they are okay for a little while, then bang, they explode again when you least expect it.

What I would like is to be able to come into the office every day without fear that a minor comment such as "you didn't check off monochrome on the printer" is going to cause an explosive and scary situation. I shouln't have to worry about being made victim to someone else's misplaced and mismanaged anger.

Therefore, I'm not surprised that there hasn't been an apology. I'm still waiting to see what the boss has to say now...

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You did right that. I remember now

Originally Posted by GingersMom

I don't like feeling this way AT ALL. I don't like feeling scared that a coworker may hit me. I don't like being afraid that he'll throw something at me.

Oh my - what would you do if you were me???

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Actually I prefer hitting than emotional abuse, because hitting is easy to prove and emotional abuse is not. If he actually hits you you would get vindication much easier.

I feel sorry for your situation and I can offer no advice.

I'm just catching up with this thread... Are you okay and did things turn out alright??

Sending lots of vibes your way.