I'm about to burst into tears

sims2fan

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I am trying not to burst into tears right now. My friend has been a very close friend since I was in college in the states. I have been in London since 2002 and I'm getting married here. She has known about the wedding since the beginning of the planning (December 05) and she is one of my bridesmaids. The plane ticket from Washington State to London was about $1500 but only because she left it very late to buy the ticket. She has had some money problems so I transferred £200 (about $450) to help her out with her plane ticket and her mom gave her about the same.

She works for one of the leading phone companies and although she doesn't like the office politics (her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend used to work there and she has many friends in the office) her job pays well and I have never heard her say that she outright hates it. She then tells me that she has been offered a job with a retail chain which involves visual basic but when she looked further into the offer it pays very little ($10 an hour) and the job description made it seem like she would be working at the cash desk. Accepting this job would also mean she would have to miss my wedding as people from Spain (the store is originally from there) would need to train her. I told her that even if it were not for the wedding it didn't sound like a good idea. I mean she makes $30,000 at the phone company and she barely has enough to pay her rent. She agrees says all her friends and family also say that this is not a good idea.

I have been trying to get a hold of her for the past few days to find out her flight info but she has not been answering phone calls or returning emails. So this morning I check my inbox and see an email from her and I'm thrilled thinking she has sent her details. She hasn't.

This is the email I have changed some details.

I will call you tomorrow, but just wanted to email you too. Things aren't good lately. My dad has pneumonia b/c he had been in denial that he had diabetes which made him weak by not taking the medicine they gave him, I decided to take the (clothes store) job because they offered more money and the environment is ten times better than my sexist boss at (well known phone company). I feel so much happier being at (clothes store), ten times better environment and not having to deal with the sexist pig. I'm really upset about everything.

:censor::censor::censor:? I wish she would just say yes I can come or no I can't! This is also the first I hear about her father being ill! How did the job start paying more than her previous job?!!

Am I wrong in this? Please I just need some impartial opinions.
 

miss mew

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I understand why you are getting stressed. I'm getting married next month and have had the same attitude from some of my out of town guests (not saying 100% if they are coming) but for a bridesmaid to be doing that is very upsetting.

I really do hope that this new job will make her happy though, things may have been much worse at her old job than she let on.
 

emrldsky

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Nuh uh...might give me away!
Maybe she never mentioned her dad or the job issue before because she didn't want to add stress but is realizing now how it may or may not affect her ability to be in your wedding?

I'm getting married in two months, and I gotta say, she's a whole lot better than my mom is being.
I STILL need some addresses for the guest list. *bangs head on wall*
 

michelle mayall

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my heart goes out to you my best friend got married last year abroad and i was to be her matron of honour i went through a difficult time with my husband (he was cheatin) but i couldnt tell her that i couldnt go i didnt want to upset her i hope your friend does not make the same mistake i did x
 
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sims2fan

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I sent her a text message saying that I am sorry about her father being ill and that I am glad she likes her new job. I also asked her to let me know whether she can come or not beacuse there are a bunch of things I need to change then. I guess life does get in the way of things.
 

emrldsky

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Nuh uh...might give me away!
Originally Posted by Sims2fan

I sent her a text message saying that I am sorry about her father being ill and that I am glad she likes her new job. I also asked her to let me know whether she can come or not beacuse there are a bunch of things I need to change then.
I think that's a fair and caring response. *crosses fingers* I'm hoping for the best!
 

pami

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When she took this job, I think she did say she would not be coming.... since she said before if she took this job she wouldnt be able to .... thats really sad because its your big day ......I would go ahead and make plans to have someone stand in for her .... so you will have that covered and not have to stress anymore than you have to ....
And just try to understand that altho this is your big day in your life, in her life its difficult now.... things dont always work out like we plan or wish .... people dont always handle things as we would wish either.... but part of being a friend is understanding and even if that understanding is just one sided now ....
 

luckygirl

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in a pile of open toed shoes!
IMO, something sounds fishy.... maybe she feels bad about not being able to come to your wedding, maybe she is putting off telling you because she spent the money you sent her??? I don't know I'm just guessing.... maybe there is more that she can't/won't/doesn't feel comfortable telling you.... I would try to pin her down with a just let me know, are you coming or not? If you don't respond by time & date, then I'm going to assume that your not coming. And add things like "I don't really know what's going on with you lately, I thought we could talk to one another, but lately you've been distant and evasive, I care about you & our friendship, and I want to be there for you, but I can't if you don't let me in".... this will keep the lines of communication open. On a personal note, I am SO sorry you are going through all of this while planning/having/dealing with your wedding. That is such a wonderful/special/magical
stressful/hectic/chaotic time in a womans life.... and I'm sorry that your friend is putting you through extra worry, concern & heartache.... you truly do not deserve it at a time like this. I hope for you, that you can just take whatever response she gives you (if she gives you one, or none if she doesn't), and accept it without hurt & tears, try to put it on the back burner, temporarily sever all ties, "fix" whatever wedding problems she's already caused (like matching up the # of groomsmen), and focus on the positive magic of planning/celebrating your wedding with your hubby to be. Then, after the honey moon, after you get yourself all settled into newlywed bliss (savor every moment of this, it goes by so fast), then make the call to her, or reach out to her... and if need be, let her have it! Tell her about herself, you tried to reach out and she wouldn't let you, this is an important time in your life, and you really needed her there etc. Then deal with it from there.... Good luck... and congratulations!
 
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sims2fan

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Thanks its just that the wedding is in four days! I really appreciate all the advice from you guys.
 

miss mew

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Originally Posted by Sims2fan

Thanks its just that the wedding is in four days! I really appreciate all the advice from you guys.
4 days!!
wow!!, no wonder you are stressed!
 

emrldsky

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Nuh uh...might give me away!
Wow, I didn't know that! In that case, she is being really inconsiderate by not telling you if she will come or not!

I am so sorry that you have to go through that!
 

pami

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Originally Posted by Sims2fan

Thanks its just that the wedding is in four days! I really appreciate all the advice from you guys.
I am so very sorry ....... I hope you can get it sorted out ..... bless your heart .....what a terrible thing for someone to do to you !!!!!!!!
 

satai

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Originally Posted by Sims2fan

Thanks its just that the wedding is in four days! I really appreciate all the advice from you guys.
Oh dear.

Even if she's a flake (it's not clear if this is in line with her character, or somewhat out of character) things may genuinely be difficult for her at this time.

If she is not normally flaky, try to remember to be extra supportive - things are probably really dragging her down - remember, she hated her job enough to take a pay cut.

If she is flaky as a rule, or totally self-centered, try to keep that in mind in future when making plans. You have to trust your friend to be herself - if she's a flake, she'll be flaky, if she's selfish, she'll be selfish. If you want to be friends with her, you'll have to put up with that as well. Only you can decide if her friendship is or is not worth it, but you can't really be mad or disappointed with someone for being what they are.
 
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sims2fan

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Originally Posted by Pami

When she took this job, I think she did say she would not be coming.... since she said before if she took this job she wouldnt be able to .... thats really sad because its your big day ......I would go ahead and make plans to have someone stand in for her .... so you will have that covered and not have to stress anymore than you have to .
I can't have some one stand in for her becuase she has the bridesmaids dress (which I paid for as is the custom in the UK) and ordering another would take too long as the wedding is in four days.

I am usually very understanding of her. She has done things like this before (promising to come and visit and in the last second backing out), I just didn't think she would do this for my wedding.

To be frank I don't think her dad is ill. She has said the very same thing to other people when both of us knew it was not th case.
 

satai

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Originally Posted by Sims2fan

I can't have some one stand in for her becuase she has the bridesmaids dress (which I paid for as is the custom in the UK) and ordering another would take too long as the wedding is in four days.

I am usually very understanding of her. She has done things like this before (promising to come and visit and in the last second backing out), I just didn't think she would do this for my wedding.

To be frank I don't think her dad is ill. She has said the very same thing to other people when both of us knew it was not th case.
How unfortuante - and unpleasant.

Leaving aside the matter of her father, it doesn't sound like she's coming.

Could you pick one of your other bridesmaids and promote them?

Or ask another friend or family member - obviously because of the dress issue, if it's a girl you would have to come up with a second solution - depending on the tone of the wedding, perhaps a dress or suit in a solid colour that is in keeping with or compliments the main colour in the bridal party?

Or perhaps a male family member/friend could step in, especially if they are already going to be in suit that matches the bridal party theme - a brother who is an usher?
 

pami

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Originally Posted by Sims2fan

I can't have some one stand in for her becuase she has the bridesmaids dress (which I paid for as is the custom in the UK)
I really feel for you ..... I have changed my original opinion .... I didnt realize your wedding is only 4 days away .......the only thing I can think of since she put you in such an extremely bad situation is have her overnight the dress to you .... thats the least she could do .....and possibly have it altered for someone else ....... or have one of the groomsmen step down ..... What a sad sad thing .......Im so very sorry !!!
 

satai

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Originally Posted by Pami

I really feel for you ..... I have changed my original opinion .... I didnt realize your wedding is only 4 days away .......the only thing I can think of since she put you in such an extremely bad situation is have her overnight the dress to you .... thats the least she could do .....and possibly have it altered for someone else ....... or have one of the groomsmen step down ..... What a sad sad thing .......Im so very sorry !!!
That would be reasonably fair - except if she really is likely to be lying she probably can't be trusted to send the dress either.
 

jlutgendorf

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Take a deep breath.

Let it out.

Know that your wedding will be a beautiful ceremony that celebrates the union between yourself and your fiancé.

The person who stands behind you isn't important. It's the person who stands at the alter with you that matters.

Do not let her actions (justified or not) take away from your special day.

After the wedding and after your honeymoon, come back to this issue if need be (if she doesn't come, what to do about money lent, and the friendship).

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

~Julia
 

solaritybengals

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Could you have a special family member step in (like your mom or someone?). Its ok if the matron of honor dosen't wear the same dress as the rest of the bridesmaids, it will make her position as honorary more evidant. You could find something off the shelf and get alterations really last minute but it could work.
 
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