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How do you respond to this

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 
Hello from New York again. I'm back with another "How do you deal with..." question. Please don't roll your eyeballs up to Heaven even though this question might be annoying as heck. Please? Okay. Here I go.

How do you respond to this type of comment:

Friend: 'Why don't you come to XXX with me and YYY and ZZZ?'
You: 'I can't I'm busy.'
Friend: 'Busy with WHAT?'

GRrrrrrrrr!!!!!! How RUDE is that? Now why is it that when someone tells me that they're busy and can't go with me somewhere I accept it, but when I say I'm busy people try to strongarm me into doing what THEY want to do. It's none of their &$#@ business what I'm busy with! friends or not! Can't they just be mature and accepting??????? Furthermore, that question is not only rude, but snide and judgmental as well, as if to insinuate that my personal life is somehow deficient, which it isn't. IT MAKES ME SO BEET RED!!!

Now I know this sounds rude but my dream response would be to say: 'Okay we're NOT having this conversation. I said I'm not going. PERIOD.' Too harsh sounding .....especially when dealing with a friend. I need your comments and suggestions

Thank you kindly
post #2 of 15
It is annoying when 'friends' put us in these positions.

Sometimes I have used this one: "What?....writing a booK? Why don't you make it a mystery and leave this chapter out?"

That one usually stops people.....but perhaps is not the most polite response!

In trying to think like Dear Abby or Ann Landers, I would just tell them - again thank you but not tonight. Then just walk away.........
post #3 of 15
Thread Starter 
something tells me that the next 'friend' who tries to strongarm me will get a tongue lashing. however i'd feel better about myself if i could just come up with a few effective, tactful words instead of exploding.

the middle ground is to just speak my mind, but it barely differs from exploding in the sense that you still end up looking like a real &$#*@@%#
post #4 of 15

Just speak your mind. If they are true friends they will respect that. If they don't well - maybe you're better off without them?

If they are insensitive enough to put you in such a difficult situation, then maybe they'll be insensitive enough to miss the point of your respone!!

All the best.
post #5 of 15
Friend: Busy with what?

You: Busy with other aspects of my life. Maybe next time. Thanks for asking.

That response should take care of it. You don't have to divulge anything, and it also lets your friend know that you appreciate them thinking of you and that you would like to be invited along the next time.

However, I'll be the first to admit I've never had a problem like this - I don't have any friends that would be so brazen as to ask me WHAT I was so busy with! Of course, if I did, I wouldn't hesitate to speak my mind. My friends know it, too!
post #6 of 15
You could solve this problem by simply not responding in a way that leaves that open to question.
In other words:
Friend: Why don't you YYY with me tonight?
You: No thanks, not tonight. Maybe another time.

Not only is it no business of theirs what you are doing, it is also no business of theirs why you won't be doing YYY with them.
This advice comes from an article on how to avoid rape. One of the most popular methods of getting a woman alone is to insist on helping her home with something (heavy bags), or ask for her help (getting a ride). If she says no, and offers an excuse, it only gives the would-be rapist an opportunity to argue and change her mind.
While this is not quite the same (obviously), the same reasoning applies. If you don't want them to question your reasons, give as few as possible.
post #7 of 15
I agree with you on how it isn't anyone's business why you can't do something with a friend/relative. If you can't do something, and you say "I am unable to... I'm busy," they should leave it at that. Plain & Simple, you would think, huh! NOT. I'v had that happen with my parents.... if they can't do something, I accept it like an adult, but when it comes to me, they throw a tantrum. So, they have pretty much learned not to ask me to do anything! Being questioned is the worst, too.......

BTW, great thread!
post #8 of 15
Thread Starter 
good suggestions, all of them

i'll continue reading this thread as long as it stays active

thanks all
post #9 of 15
I just say that I am sorry, but I have other committments.
post #10 of 15
I agree with the other responses here, you don't owe them any explanation. I think your 'friends' are probably childish, self-centered people who need to grow up and realize they are not the center of your life.
post #11 of 15
I agree - you do not need to explain - but I think you are over reacting!

If this is your friend why not tell him/her what your plans are- what's the big deal??? And if you don't have plans but are not interested just say : I just don't feel like it thanks maybe another time.
post #12 of 15
You wrote:
Friend: 'Why don't you come to XXX with me........
You: 'I can't I'm busy.'
Friend: 'Busy with WHAT?'

It finally dawned on me towards the end of this thread, that you meant XXX to be a fictitious place… I feel stupid admitting this but, I thought your friend asked you to a Triple X !
I was thinking to myself, "How Rude " and I was mad for you and I was about to give you really SNIPPY advice for your friend..... LOL!

OK, now that I GET IT.....here's my 2¢

Friend: Why don't you come to ??? with me?
You: I can't, I am busy
Friend: Busy with what!?
A couple of things you could do:

1. Walk away, say nothing. Saying nothing and walking away is an honorable response to an insulting question.

2. Repeat the question. Echoing forces the asker to hear just how ridiculous or out-of-line her query is, and it usually sparks her to apologize. Example: "Don't you get bored out of your mind staying home with the kids all day?"
Your reply: "Are you asking if I get bored being with the people I love the most?"

If this friend of yours is a "Really Good" friend, you could do what I did to my RUDE friend. I bought her an Emily Post book on Etiquette ... ($35.00) Believe it or not, she loves it and refers to it often. I thought she would be upset and burn it. Worked out great for me. (I bought one for myself a few days later) LOL!

Good luck!
post #13 of 15
I know how you feel. Most of my friends are fine with it if they ask me somewhere and I just say, Thanks for asking, but we already have plans, but I did have this friend once who would ask...What plans? What are you doing? I finally got to the point I would just say, Oh this and that, and leave it at that.
post #14 of 15
Thread Starter 
I love that response

Friend: Busy with WHAT?
Me: Oh, this and that.
Friend: This and that what?
Me: Oh, you know, THIS AND THAT
Friend: But what's this and that?
Me: You know. THIS. and THAT.

I'm gonna try it! Eventually they will realize that they are sounding like a schmuck and if not, I will point it out for them. I also like the 'I have other committments' advice.
Me: I have other committments
Friend: What would that be?
Me: A committment to not doing things I don't want to do.
post #15 of 15
:LOL: I hope it works for you!!!!
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