What a weird phone call...

lookingglass

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My MIL just called me, and asked why I didn't take DH last name. Mind you we've been married for four years, and this "issue" has never come up before. Now, she seems rather put out by it, and didn't want to let the conversation go.
I simply told her that I didn't care for his last name, so I kept my own. It wasn't a strong feminist statement, I just happened to like my last name more than I liked his. Does anyone else have an opinion on this matter.
 

rachelh1018

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Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I find it a little strange when women don't take their husband's last name. Unless he had some horrible last name, then
I could understand. I think you should do what you want though. I hate it when MIL or in my case, future MIL try to butt into business that isn't their own.
 

cearbhaill

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It probably just came up in a conversation she was having with someone and she chose now to talk to you about it.

Just say "Umm hmmm", and "I know you don't understand", and "yes ma'am" and then go about your business. Don't let it nag at you or escalate into a big deal. Laugh and think she is silly instead of steaming and thinking she is butting in.
 

yosemite

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My brother-in-law took his wife's name too so they are both known by the hyphenated combination of both their last names.

In the Province of Quebec here in Canada, the woman does not take her husband's last name ever. It has something to do with maintaining their French heritage/culture (I believe - so if I'm wrong please correct me).

I have no strong feelings one way or the other - whatever you're comfortable with ismy way of thinking.
 

rapunzel47

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Originally Posted by Yosemite

My brother-in-law took his wife's name too so they are both known by the hyphenated combination of both their last names.

In the Province of Quebec here in Canada, the woman does not take her husband's last name ever. It has something to do with maintaining their French heritage/culture (I believe - so if I'm wrong please correct me).

I have no strong feelings one way or the other - whatever you're comfortable with ismy way of thinking.
You're right about Quebec, Linda, though it wasn't always that way. And, while I don't know for sure what the rationale was for the change, I suspect your take on it is at least close. My Mum took Dad's name (in 1939 that was the norm), but my SIL did not take my brother's name (in ?1980? it wasn't an option).

As far as I'm concerned, it's up to the couple. They are the people who have to live with the name/s. For some people it's more symbolic than for others, and some names fit together better than others. I rather like the idea of making a double barrelled name that both use, but not if it's too much of a mouthful.
 

marie-p

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When my ex-boyfriend and me talked about possibly getting married, he just assumed that I would take his name. When I told him I wouldn't, he said it would be strange for us to be a family and not have the same name. I said it didn't bother me but if it bothered him, he was free to take my name if he wanted.

I live in Quebec and it's true that women don't change their name after getting married anymore. I'm not sure what the reason is though.

Could be a way of getting away from a more conservative / religious past. Quebec used to be a very strongly catholic province, then since the 60s, religion is not very popular around here, and the division of church and state has been VERY important. Maybe taking the husband's name was too closely associated with religious traditions.
 

lionessrampant

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My mom didn't take my dad's last name and I have no plans of taking Ian's. I owe everything I am to myself and my heritage and my family...not to Ian (though he is a wonderful human being). For me, it IS a feminist statement, but it's also out of convenience and because I like my name. Changing names seems like a beauracratic process that I would rather not partake in. If I can possibly spend less time at the DMV, I'll take it


If she asks, ask back "Why do you want to know?". It's really none of her business and it's a quite personal decision that YOU make, not you MIL.

Also, my mom's having a different last name had really no effect on my childhood one way or the other.
 

starryeyedtiger

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Originally Posted by rachelh1018

Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I find it a little strange when women don't take their husband's last name. Unless he had some horrible last name, then
I could understand. I think you should do what you want though. I hate it when MIL or in my case, future MIL try to butt into business that isn't their own.
I agree
. For me personally, i am very southern and very traditional- i Want to take my future DH's last name when i marry. To me that is something very special and signifies the beginning of a new life together with your spouse. To me that is special and shows unity
. But you have to make the right choice for yourself and your values. Reguardless of what your MIL may think.
As long as you and your DH are happy- that's all that really matters
 

icklemiss21

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We have talked about this in the past and are going to go with a double barrelled name. My BF doesn't get on great with his family, so we don't really care what they think about it, and my mum would have liked someone (a boy) to carry on the family name, so it works for all of us. In fact my BF offered to take my name, but I felt that would take away a part of who he was also.

So we are keeping both
 

mamasquishy

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I didn't take my exes last name, but it was awful. And very hard to pronounce. I feel bad for my daughter who does bare the name. I could see Jerry taking my name.
But, my last name really sux too. And I can't wait to change my last name.
 

theimp98

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well for whats worth here,

In the country my wife is from, the women do not change there name when married.
the kids however do take the last name of the father.
 

renovia

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i took my husband's last name, but just because i wanted to. my sister hyphenated her name and i hated it,.
 

hopehacker

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I've been married twice, and didn't take either of their last names. I kept my own. It's not that I like my last name, because I don't. I just don't want to go through the trouble to have to legally change my name. Too much of a pain. Also, to me, the idea of taking HIS name, seems like you suddenly become HIS property. I don't like that idea of being OWNED, even if it's symbolically.
 

satai

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An early suffragette said something along the lines of 'I'd rather have the name of the husband I picked than the father I didn't' - that struck a cord with me.

There is always this temptation to make assumptions about why people do or don't take their husband's names - that either way is some sort of statement. Sometimes it is - sometimes it's not. And, in the case of the suffragette above, sometimes it is - but it's not the statement you think it is.

BF is considering taking my name if we ever marry (he's a radical standpoint feminist though). I don't mind either way. I will keep my name, not because it's my 'maiden' name, but because it feels like my name, and I like it, it fits together with my first name. I won't be precious about it if people who can't pronounce it call me Mrs. BFlastname (some times for simplicity sake - like ordering taxis I just my first name and his last name, why go to all the trouble of teaching someone who will never meet me again how to spell and/or pronounce it?)

BF and I have agreed that if we ever have kids, daughters will have my name and sons will have his.

I like double barrelled names for couples, but I always wonder what happens when the kids marry: what do Susie Smith-Jones and John Doe-Bloggs call themselves on marriage, or call their kids?

I would like a system where say you were girl mothersname-fathersname or boy fathersname-mothersname, until marriage when you each took your same-sex parent's name and then hypenated that.

So on marriage, Susie Smith-Jones and John Doe-Bloggs would become Susie Smith-Doe and John Doe-Smith (name samesexparentname-spousename); their children would be daughter Smith-Doe and son Doe-Smith.

But I don't see that happening
 

sarahp

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Wow Satai, quite the post!!!


I had been planning on keeping my name because my dad was the only boy in the family, so only my brother and I have the family name, and my brother almost successfully killed himself on a motor bike, and I thought there was no way he would ever settle down and have kids. Then he met someone who got pregnant and they had a little boy, and now they're married (with their second boy along the way), so I took my husband's name since there was someone to keep the family name going.

There's also too many R sounds in my first and last name, my husbands name is much more flowing


I absolutely HATE though when I get things addressed to me that say Mrs Andrew P - I'm my own person, I'm not Mrs him!!!!!!! I always go off in a rant whenever that happens...
 

emrldsky

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Originally Posted by sarahp

I absolutely HATE though when I get things addressed to me that say Mrs Andrew P - I'm my own person, I'm not Mrs him!!!!!!! I always go off in a rant whenever that happens...
Just to let you know, when addressing wedding invitations, it's "proper ettiquette" to use "Mr. and Mrs. Man'sfirname Lastname" on the envelope. Not saying that it shouldn't bother you, but most people are just trying to follow rules of ettiquette.


As for last names...I plan on taking my fiance's last name because I consider myself old fashioned. I don't take it as a sign of ownership, but a sign of respect for his family. He's the only son for his parents and his Uncle has only one son. The only thing I'm going to miss with my maiden name is the response, "That's such a COOL name!" (Maiden name is Jade Cloud)

I won't miss the, "Good thing they didn't name you Stormy," comments though. My parents ALMOST gave me that name, so my brother decided to name his daughter Stormy Cloud. *sigh*
 

marie-p

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Originally Posted by emrldsky

Just to let you know, when addressing wedding invitations, it's "proper ettiquette" to use "Mr. and Mrs. Man'sfirname Lastname" on the envelope. Not saying that it shouldn't bother you, but most people are just trying to follow rules of ettiquette.
That's why I will never understand the need to have rules of etiquette. If I was married and someone addressed me as Mrs. "My husband's first and last name", I would find that sexist and rude. So really, I don't understand how it could be "good etiquette".
Then again, there's not much about etiquette that has ever made much sense to me.
If someone sent me an invitation like that, I'd probably reply that yes, I'll be there... but can I also bring Mr "Marie P."


Anyways, for me, I don't like the idea of taking my husband's name as long as we're in a society where it's seen as odd for a man to take his wife's last name.
It's not that I am attached to my family or to my father enough to want to keep their name, but that name has become my name too.
And if I ever have kids, I think the flip of a coin will decide which name they have... either that or they'll have both (and can choose later which one they want to use).
 

pushylady

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I took my husband's name quite happily. I'm not close to my family and never particularly liked my maiden name, so was quite happy to take his name. It's a nice, unusual name too.
If it had been important to me to keep my maiden name, I would have done so. I have acouple of friends to whom it's very important for them. Both of their husbands have a problem with them not tkaing their names though. One of them refuses to wear his wedding ring until she takes his name! Seriously, it took me by surprise how old fashioned these guys are. It seems insecure to me.
 
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