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Am I Selfish?

post #1 of 17
Thread Starter 
I've been having this fight with my husband for awhile now and he says I'm being selfish but I don't really know if I am. He wants to move out of state because for some reason he thinks we'll get better jobs and find cheaper housing. The problem is I'm a family person. I already moved away from my extended family in NY and my dad lives in Kentucky. I currently live in the same state as my mom and my sister who I describe as my Ultimate Best Friend. I may sound pathetic but I seriously can't go a week without seeing them at least once. Arthur's parents live in Michigan and he has said he doesn't want to move back there either.

Well I hardly get to see my family as it is because we always go see his parents when I get time off..occasionally I get to drive up and see my family in NY and I havent seen my dad in over a year. So that way I see it it'll be even worse if I move away from my mom and sis cause I'll have to fit visits in with them as well. Not to mention moving to state all alone is pretty sad When we eventually have kids I was looking forward to at least having family around to help. It's not like we can't make it in this state. He can get a job anywhere and I just got one that will turn out to be a pretty nice job. Neither of us have been to college or anything so we'd pretty much be looking for the same non education jobs as everyone else. And if we did move I know I'd be the one who ends up doing everything. I've told him to research apartments and jobs and once he finds one and apply's and gets an offer then we'll talk about moving that seems to have shut him up since I know he won't do it. I was just wondering if I"m out of line here or if it's ok for me to want to stay close to my mom and sister. If he was talking about a once in a lifetime dream job then I'd say go for it. But there won't be any difference in another state except for the fact that we'll be all alone.
post #2 of 17
To an extent, marriage *really is* about forsaking all others, you and me against the world, sickness and health - that's why they make us take vows!

But that's not the situation you are in.

He sounds a bit like a dreamer - he wants to move, but not to do the groundwork first? It's not a solution, it's running away (I'm a dreamer, too, so I understand the urge).

You are not being selfish, and it sounds like your reply was a good one. Word of warning though: being right doesn't mean you'll stay married.
post #3 of 17
in a word? no! if he had a super job lined up or something, then maybe, but what he's suggesting is basically jumping from the frying pan into the fire

and.... staying married doesn't necessarily mean you'll be happy either, I was in a marriage where everything had to be about him, and I got real tired of "compromising", it's not a compromise if you're the one always giving something up
post #4 of 17
Of course I'm only getting your perspective on things, but it doesn't sound like you're being selfish to me. I'd be unwilling to move to another province, since all my friends and family live in Ontario; heck, I'd be unwilling to move to another city, because my life is here. I agree with you that it would be different if one of you had found his/her dream job in another state, but to just pack up and go with no clear plan sounds pretty dangerous to me. Moving can be costly, and what's to say the new state has any more job opportunities than your current one? If you just pack up and move without any plans you run the risk of being in a strange state, unemployed, and without any of the social safety net (e.g. friends and family) you currently enjoy where you're living.

Relationships are about compromise, and I think asking your husband to research where he wants to move -- to apply for jobs, look into housing, tenants' rights and cost of living -- before making the actual move is a good way to compromise. It suggests you're willing to consider the offer, but it reduces the risk of the two of you cutting yourself off from the security (such as it is) you currently have. As for seeing your families, have you tried divvying up the holidays (eg one year his family gets Christmas and yours gets Thanksgiving, and the next year you swap)? This is how my boyfriend and I do it; while we still get complaints from our families that they "never see us" (not true!), this way nobody gets left out.
post #5 of 17
IMO and based on your situation, no. Tell him you'll move when he lines up this "better job" he talks about. If you two move without a job lined up, then you could be with NO JOB for a WHILE. Cheaper housing or not.

Keep your side of the argument, don't give in until his dream becomes a reality.
post #6 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirinae View Post
Of course I'm only getting your perspective on things, but it doesn't sound like you're being selfish to me. I'd be unwilling to move to another province, since all my friends and family live in Ontario; heck, I'd be unwilling to move to another city, because my life is here. I agree with you that it would be different if one of you had found his/her dream job in another state, but to just pack up and go with no clear plan sounds pretty dangerous to me. Moving can be costly, and what's to say the new state has any more job opportunities than your current one? If you just pack up and move without any plans you run the risk of being in a strange state, unemployed, and without any of the social safety net (e.g. friends and family) you currently enjoy where you're living.

Relationships are about compromise, and I think asking your husband to research where he wants to move -- to apply for jobs, look into housing, tenants' rights and cost of living -- before making the actual move is a good way to compromise. It suggests you're willing to consider the offer, but it reduces the risk of the two of you cutting yourself off from the security (such as it is) you currently have. As for seeing your families, have you tried divvying up the holidays (eg one year his family gets Christmas and yours gets Thanksgiving, and the next year you swap)? This is how my boyfriend and I do it; while we still get complaints from our families that they "never see us" (not true!), this way nobody gets left out.
I think part of it is that I recently got a job so we have to move up North to Dover and he hates city life. My plan is to rent for a year save up money and then buy a house in the country because there is country around Dover but if you need apartments ya gotta go to the city. It's not even really city but for a Battle Creek boy like he is Dover is the city I did ask him if it's ok that I apply for this job because I knew it would mean moving up there and he said to go for it so I did. So now that we're starting to move he's saying I'm being selfish. I think he's just unhappy about living in the city and he thinks we'll never be able to afford a house out here. But if he was so bothered by it I wish he would have told me because I wouldn't have applied for that job.

As far as holidays go the only problem is...his job!! Lol bet you were suprised I said that. He works really long hours and can't get off on the holidays so we usually have to spend them here just the two of us or with my mom and sis. So we have to go visit his family and mine whenever we take vacation from work which isn't a lot. Otherwise I would deff do that! I know we're young and we've only been married for 3 months so this is all gonna take some getting used to I suppose. Oh well like I said if he finds a job and finds a place with cheaper apartments then I'll consider moving...if he wants to move that bad he'll do the work.
post #7 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mirinae View Post
Relationships are about compromise, and I think asking your husband to research where he wants to move -- to apply for jobs, look into housing, tenants' rights and cost of living -- before making the actual move is a good way to compromise. It suggests you're willing to consider the offer, but it reduces the risk of the two of you cutting yourself off from the security (such as it is) you currently have.
I don't even think that asking him to do some research is a compromise-- it is a necessity. I would never move out of state before having a job there and researching the area. I am 23 and just married in June so I can kind of relate to you. You said that you have a job where you live now...does he have one too? I'm in Maryland, and yes the cost of living is much higher in this area, but both of our families live here and moving away from them would be hard. I know it's too late for this now, but did this issue come up before you got married? Because if he just decided he wants to move out of state, maybe he doesn't have his heart set on it.

ETA: I just read your second post. You're right...he did tell you to apply for your job! Does he not like his current job?
post #8 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny82 View Post
I don't even think that asking him to do some research is a compromise-- it is a necessity. I would never move out of state before having a job there and researching the area. I am 23 and just married in June so I can kind of relate to you. You said that you have a job where you live now...does he have one too? I'm in Maryland, and yes the cost of living is much higher in this area, but both of our families live here and moving away from them would be hard. I know it's too late for this now, but did this issue come up before you got married? Because if he just decided he wants to move out of state, maybe he doesn't have his heart set on it.
Yes he has a job as a manager at a gas station but he hates it and frankly so do I. He maybe gets one day off a week and pretty soon he won't have any days off. I understand that he hates his job and I would love for him to get a new one but there are jobs up in Dover. He doesn't have to move out of state to get one. And he knew before we were married that I didn't want to move out of the state. I think that moving up to Dover and living in "the city" for a year then moving back into the country where he will be happy as a clam is a lot easier than moving to another state and everything. Like I said before he knew we would have to move there if I got this job and he told me to go for it anways. *Sigh* men they can be so silly sometimes.
post #9 of 17
If you move away from your family just to make him happy, you will resent him for it. You may never get over that.
post #10 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beatrix426 View Post
Yes he has a job as a manager at a gas station but he hates it and frankly so do I. He maybe gets one day off a week and pretty soon he won't have any days off. I understand that he hates his job and I would love for him to get a new one but there are jobs up in Dover. He doesn't have to move out of state to get one. And he knew before we were married that I didn't want to move out of the state. I think that moving up to Dover and living in "the city" for a year then moving back into the country where he will be happy as a clam is a lot easier than moving to another state and everything. Like I said before he knew we would have to move there if I got this job and he told me to go for it anways. *Sigh* men they can be so silly sometimes.
I would encourage him to look for a job in Dover. If you're really excited about your new job, I would let him know. A lot. Because he shouldn't want to take you away from that. Also, you're right, you will probably be able to afford a house in the country after working a little while and saving some money.

Sometimes in places where the cost of living is lower, jobs pay less also.

You're right, men can definitely be silly.
post #11 of 17
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone for your help. Sometimes I feel like maybe I don't take his feelings into consideration which is why I asked but I think I did and if he does find a really great job in another state and finds cheap housing then I'll have to eat my words but until then I'm going to stick with where I'm at. I've been trying to help him get a job in Dover to. I think maybe once we actually get up there and he finds a better job where he actually has more than one day off and he doesn't have to worry so much he'll calm down. If not then we'll have to deal with it then.

Since I told him to do some research and apply for jobs in other states he hasn't said anything about it. He's started joking with me right after I said that so I think for now he's over it...or perhaps he's currently searching on the internet for jobs lol. Either way I really appreciate you guys giving me your opinons and advice.
post #12 of 17
He'll get over it. I was in the same situation a couple years ago.
My mans family offered to move us down to Florida, and buy a house. Yes..It does sound like a dream come true, but not for me.
I have everything I know here, and I couldnt do it. I had said "Yeah, ok let's go" And the planning started and everything..But I backed out.
I even went as far as to try & work it out so that my family could move down there too..But it wasnt practical. You'd feel so terrible leaving everything you've ever known, for something completely different, and that you've got bad feelings about.
A couple years has passed, and I rarely ever hear anything about that anymore.
It'll all work out somehow for you.
post #13 of 17
Since most of the posters seem to be female, I just thought I'd post a male perspective and say that I agree with the advice that has been posted.

Moving to another state for the hope of better jobs is a bit silly. Your response to have him research apartments and jobs and wait to move until he has a job lined up is right on. Far from being selfish, you are saying to him that if he really is serious about it and does his homework, then you will consider his ideas. To me, that sounds like respecting him a lot more than a blanket "no" or "yes" would be.
post #14 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockcat View Post
If you move away from your family just to make him happy, you will resent him for it. You may never get over that.
That is an excellent point.
post #15 of 17
I don't think you are being selfish at all. My advice is to look and see what things cost (housing, groceries, etc). Make sure he gets a job lined up and that you can afford to really move. Also look and see if the type of work you do is available down there. I have lived in Ohio all my life and about 3 years ago we came to Tennessee to visit family and my husband decided he would like to move to Tennessee to be closer to his brother and his extended family. In Ohio we lived right across the street from his parents and his sister was just a couple of streets over. Plus my whole family lives in Ohio. After my husband told me about his plan I was ok with it because we decided it would be about 5 years before we would move. That way we could find a place to live, he could find a job; we could pay off some of our debit and sell our house. Well, it turned out completely different. My husband decided last year to just quit his good paying job because he was upset with his boss.

My husband ended up staying a week in Tennessee with his brother and while he was there he got a job that paid 1/2 of what he was making in Ohio but he decided to take the job anyways. My husband found out from his parents that his Aunt moved out of her home and into an apartment. So he talked her into letting him stay at her house (which is only 750 sq feet 2 bedroom house). But his Aunt misunderstood him and thought it would only be him not the rest of his family (me and three kids). I ended up talking to her and making a deal with her to let us all stay and in turn I would fix up the house (lets just say she was not the neatest person and does not know how to do anything painting or repair). We put our house on the market and were told by our realtor that it would sell very quickly, which it did not and since my husband was not making the same amount of money we had to stop making house payments. I ended up moving down to Tennessee a month and a half later because I had to get the house cleaned out and repainted before I left Ohio. Once in Tennessee I ended up working myself to death trying to make the house clean and freshly painted so that the kids did not have to sleep with us in the living room anymore or on the floor. We also had to file bankruptcy because we could not pay on our credit cards anymore because he was hardly making enough money to by groceries (which are more expensive then in Ohio for some reason), make our car payment and our other monthly bills.

Now I found out that because of the foreclosure on the house and the bankruptcy that we will not be able to get a loan on any property or a home loan in 7 years. Which really sucks. I also have to home school the kids because we can not afford private school and the public school where we live are so bad and two year behind in learning. My husband ended up quitting his job because of cut back with the company so he was out of work for two months until he found another job. Even with the new job it is not any better. I have been trying to find a part-time evening job to help out with our expenses and also because I have to homeshool again this year. I am a secretary and there is nothing available where we live currently. I do not want to work at night at Wal-Mart but it might come down to that.

Make sure that you do your homework a lot better then we did because we have learned a very good lesson. But we can say that we are a lot closer now then we ever have been.
post #16 of 17
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rockcat View Post
If you move away from your family just to make him happy, you will resent him for it. You may never get over that.
Yes that would be why I would never move just because he felt like it. However if he really did take the time to find a really great job that he would love and show me that our quality of life would be better in another state I would consider doing it because I do understand that this marriage is not all about me and we have to do what's best for us together. Until he actually does this though I won't be making any plans to move out of the state.
post #17 of 17
I think he's jealous that you have a job you're going to love, and he doesn't. If you move out of state, then both of you will have to start from scratch, finding new jobs. Just my $0.02.
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