New roommate concerns

rumpleteazer

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I'm not sure if this a rant or what, but this concerns me and it's on my mind and someone here might have a different perspective.

So, as I've mentioned in other threads, I'm going back to school and moving into a school apartment (I'm going to miss my kitty!!). I've been chatting with my soon to be roommate, who was assigned by the school. I'm 25, she's 20 (how do they think THAT is going to work?!
) and so far we have some stuff in common.

But practically the first thing she asked me was do I like to party, to which I answered, sometimes. She later mentioned that she was at a party and drunk. After that she mentioned her age. During the previous parts of the conversation, I had no idea she was under-age!

Anyway, I talked to my parents and one of my friends about it and they all said that under-age drinking is NOT something I want to get mixed up in. They advised me to save a copy of the conversation where she said that, and send her and email and say, "Hey, I didn't know you were under-age, and until you aren't, I'm not comfortable with you drinking at the apartment, cause I could get arrested if you do!" I also told her that if she wants to go to a party somewhere else and drink, that's up to her, I'm not her mom. I said that I want us both to be able to live in a comfortable environment, so I felt the need to say something. I also advised her that if she can't deal with that that she needs to say something and one of us needs to go to housing and ask for a reassignment. I've had enough bad roommates to not want to deal with it again.

Anyway, I sent that last night and she's been online but she hasn't responded yet. She hasn't given me a, "Yeah I'm ok with that," but she also hasn't given me a, "Who the hell do you think you are?!"

Mind you, I have a glass of wine or a coke and whiskey once in a while and I cook with alcohol, but because of the fact that I take a medicine everyday for migrains and it can't be mixed with alcohol, I don't generally drink. I also have more fun when I'm sober, but that's just me. I mean, if she was stuck at a party and everyone was too bombed out to drink, all she'd have to do is call and I would give her a ride home. But I'm not going to break the law for her and risk ruining my future. I mean, in WA state, just being upstairs while she's downstairs drinking can be enough for an arrest or a serious fine.

My other concern, which I didn't mention in the email is that our apartment is in with others that are split into groups, and our group is right next door to where the family groups are. Central has made it clear that they do not tolerate swearing, drinking, loud noises, loud music, loud parties, or drugs in and around those areas. They reserve the right to kick you out at the first offense. And our front yard looks right across to the family units' back yards so we are considered a family friendly area.

Anyway... (sigh) I can say that she's a MAJOR cat person, so it's not a total loss.
(sigh)
 

zissou'smom

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I've just turned 21 myself, and honestly I don't see what you are bothered by. If she were under 18, it would be a huge deal. Police in a college town don't really care if 20-year-olds are drinking in their own apartment. I guess knowing that someone a few months away from being a legal drinker is drinking in the apartment might be some kind of misdemeanor... But when the university assigns roommates typically even if she does get in trouble you won't.

Ratting her out for admitting to someone she was trying to get to know as a future roommate that she drinks underage (gasp!) is not the way you want to start out, is it?

I'm really surprised they're having someone who is 25 living in University Hosuing. Here, once you are 23, you are exempt from any housing requirements for exactly that reason. Perhaps you can contact the school and say you would rather live with someone a little closer to your own age, maybe they can put you with the grad students or something.

Honestly, and no offense, but she might not want to live with someone so much older than her either.
 

shengmei

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Try to put your new roommate on names of all bills. If anything goes wrong, you do not want to be stuck paying the bills. You cannot force someone to give you money, even if you deserve the money.

I learned that the hard way.
 

esrgirl

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I second what shengmai said about the bills, assuming they aren't included with your rent (I lived in a college apartment where rent was included and you could be assigned a roomie).

I also agree that if she is underage you should say that there will be no drinking *in* your apartment while she is still underage. You can indeed get in trouble for your underage roommate drinking, if you know about it, especially if this is university apartment housing. Trust me, I lived in university housing for five years and was an RA for two of those years.

I think it was totally ok to tell her there will be no drinking in the house. I also think it was great of her to admit that she does drink and get drunk occasionally. It seems like she is up to some dialogue about the situation.

It is kind of strange that they assigned someone so much younger than you as your roommate, but it might not be all that bad. I was 23 and living with two 30-somethings and a 50-something, and it worked out well (with the exception of my cat being there). Then again I don't party till I drop!
 

beatrix426

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I don't see why your suprised that they'd stick you with someone so young. I'm 22 and one of my really good friends is 28 we've been friends since I was coincidently 20
But perhaps as I've been told before I'm just matrure for my age. She hasn't done anything yet so don't awefulize
Maybe she has no intention of drinking or having party's at your apartment.either way I hope that once you start school that you guys don't run into any problems...good luck!
 

arlyn

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Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

I've just turned 21 myself, and honestly I don't see what you are bothered by. If she were under 18, it would be a huge deal. Police in a college town don't really care if 20-year-olds are drinking in their own apartment.
Normally, I'd agree with you, but due to a lot of problems at Washington's major Universities over the last few years, there is little, to no tolerance for this sort of thing there.

As for what I'd do?
I would simply request that housing try and find you a more suitable roommate.
 

ericanicole

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You made your wishes perfectly clear. if she cannot abide by that then ask for a new roomie.

When i was 20 I drank all the time with my pals, my tiny apartment held 30 drunk underagers at once.Its something a lot of young underage college kids do. Now you wont catch me at a house party, I dont wanna get a ticket for supplying alcohol to minors lol, so my suggestiong is just be firm and im sure she will understand. There are plenty of places she will go that will have booze for her.

Good luck!
 

ericanicole

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Originally Posted by Arlyn

Normally, I'd agree with you, but due to a lot of problems at Washington's major Universities over the last few years, there is little, to no tolerance for this sort of thing there..
Ture true
here in WI its a no no! Big time..police will ticket you, the owner of the property, anyone who isnt 21 and even those who are. UW Whitewater was one of the top rated for the best party schools a fews years back...plenty of tickets go out to underagers no matter what the town or city or neighborhood may suggest.
 

shengmei

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In Texas A&M we have a zero tolerance policy. Anyone caught underage drinking or supplying alcohol to minors would have all of their scholarships and financial aids revoked.

I am not even sure it is legal for the university to do that, but then legalities has never been a concern of administrators.
 

kaleetha

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I totally see where you are coming from... and after having four extremely difficult roommate situations in College... I know it isn't always that simple.

I think requesting that there be no alcohol on the premises is absolutely fine. Chances are, since you've been upfront about your feelings, if she doesn't want to deal with it, she'll ask to be transfered.

I would sit down with her the first or second day and do a roommate agreement -- I mean this, I didn't do it -- establish how late friends can be over, if boyfriends can spend the night, who's going to clean the bathroom, do the dishes, and vacuum.

It sounds dumb, but it's really important.

I would give her a chance to keep her drinking behavior out of the apartment. The first time she does it, leave. Then go to your Housing people (They were really really nice at my school) and voice your concerns to them. They should be able to document that you have nothing to do with it and are against the behaviour if it happens again. If it happens a second time, then I'd request mediation and evaluate if you want to move out.

As far as the neighbors go, you might want to get to know them a little -- enough to make an impression so they can be on your side.

Good luck! I've got my fingers crossed that this works out... and if you just want to vent -- feel free to PM!!!
 

godiva

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Supplying alcohol to minors is not the same as living with someone underage who drinks alcohol. To "supply," you must go out and buy the stuff for an underage person. I suspect this girl will not drink excessively at the apartment... only at parties and such. She will rely on others to get her alcohol, and as long as you are not involved in supplying the alcohol, I wouldn't worry about it, Rumpleteazer. (Love your name, BTW
) Just don't buy any for yourself and have leftovers around for her to find... that is the only thing I'd be careful with as far as this issue goes.

I'm a very tolerant and laid-back person, though... so what I would do is not what most people would do.
 

beckiboo

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Originally Posted by Kaleetha

I totally see where you are coming from... and after having four extremely difficult roommate situations in College... I know it isn't always that simple.

I think requesting that there be no alcohol on the premises is absolutely fine. Chances are, since you've been upfront about your feelings, if she doesn't want to deal with it, she'll ask to be transfered.

I would sit down with her the first or second day and do a roommate agreement -- I mean this, I didn't do it -- establish how late friends can be over, if boyfriends can spend the night, who's going to clean the bathroom, do the dishes, and vacuum.

It sounds dumb, but it's really important.

I would give her a chance to keep her drinking behavior out of the apartment. The first time she does it, leave. Then go to your Housing people (They were really really nice at my school) and voice your concerns to them. They should be able to document that you have nothing to do with it and are against the behaviour if it happens again. If it happens a second time, then I'd request mediation and evaluate if you want to move out.

As far as the neighbors go, you might want to get to know them a little -- enough to make an impression so they can be on your side.

Good luck! I've got my fingers crossed that this works out... and if you just want to vent -- feel free to PM!!!
I agree...since there are so many others watching to keep the drinking to a minimum, I believe she will be able to keep things under control in your apartment. If she seems nice otherwise, and even loves cats...this could turn out well.

However, it is always a good idea to go with your gut. If after thinking it through, you decide you can't risk her as a roomie, call for a switch!
 
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rumpleteazer

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Ok, one statement, I didn't start this thread to start a debate about alcohol. I don't care if people over 18 drink as long as they realize the consequences. What people choose to do with their bodies is their business. I've been on the headache med since I was 17 or 18, so drinking has never been a real option for me.

I went off to college, my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I moved back home to help out, and now that she's better, I'm off again. So, yeah, I'm getting a later start. But college owned apartments are different from dorms. They're ment for older students. In fact, most are marked for older students and families only for that reason. Living in school apartments is easier cause you can be connected with school, and it's several hundred dollars cheaper per year than a regular appartment. So, money is the big reason. It's really no different than living in a regular apartment, except the school owns it. The apartments are cheaper and there's more older students, especially married ones with families near us.

Zissou'sMom (no offense taken btw), why they put a 20 year old in with 25 year old, I have no idea, but I don't think we're so far apart in age that it will cause a problem. I hope not. She seems nice. I'd rather have a roommate a little closer to my age but at least she's not fresh out of high school! There's nothing wrong with that but I'd be 7 or 8 years older than her if she was! Some people do great with an age difference, some people don't. My suitemates at WWU did not and drove me out basically cause I was a little bit older and they didn't like it.

Arlyn's right. The state of WA has been cracking down on under age drinking, big time. Washing State University had a HUGE problem years ago and they're still trying to clean their name, reputation, and campus up after that major riot that started at a party. The universities are putting in clauses about drinking and the police are coming down hard. It's one strike and you're out. As for it being legal, I think as long as they put it right out front when you sign the lease, it is. They own the buildings so they get to make the rules. It's actually in the guide book that one incident of swearing, drinking, loud parties, or drugs in a family friendly area (which is us), and you're out. And in WA, they consider knowledge of an under-ager drinking as bad as supplying. I don't know, maybe she's not planning a party at our place. Maybe she was just trying to sound cool to the 25 year old roommate. If she wants to have people over for a movie, hey! I'll pop the popcorn!

I've stated my position and I intend to make sure she feels free to say hey, I won't be comfortable if you were to do this... We have to both agree on the apartment rules I think. I had two bad roommate situations at WWU and I don't care to repeat the experience.

As for the bills, our rent includes utilites and the college splits it in half and charges half to each of our separate student accounts. Another reason living in college owned apartments is so great! There's no putting people's names on bills and stuff.

We chatted this afternoon, but she didn't say anything so she's either pissed and not saying anything (and she doesn't seem like that kind of person), she's ok with it, or she hasn't seen the email. If it goes a long time without being mentioned I will ask if she got it. Anyway, I appreciate opinions, thoughts and input. Thanks everyone!
 
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rumpleteazer

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Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

Ratting her out for admitting to someone she was trying to get to know as a future roommate that she drinks underage (gasp!) is not the way you want to start out, is it?
Btw, I'm not ratting her out. I have no plan to and never said I was going to. If I was going to, I'd call the school and report it. Like I told her, if she wants to do it elsewhere, I'm not going to do anything. I will give her a ride home if she needs it. I just want some rules for where we live. And I don't care about the under-age thing except that here, you can get in major trouble if you let it go on in your home. Selfish as it may sound, I'm thinking of myself on that one. I have other friends who drank before 21, I never said a word, cause it's their choice and I'm not their mom.

Your baby is beautiful btw.
 

zissou'smom

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Oh, dear, I'm afraid I misread your first post
I'm so sorry! I thought after you said that people had told you to save a copy of the conversation that they had also advised you to email it to res services... not her.

If I were her, a year ago, I would have tried to respect your wishes. Maybe a compromise can be that if she plans it way in advance, maybe you can go out for a night while she has a couple friends over (not a party!) and they drink. You aren't there, and you "don't know about it", you know
. It sounds like things are very different there. Here, we were drinking with our security guards in the freshman residence halls. And if the police saw you drinking on private property, they couldn't do a darn thing, just like if you are on your front porch at home. If the authority figures were as strict here as they sound there, I would probably be just like you.

It does make me very uncomfortable when minors drink (under 18) around me, and I've left parties because of it.

Thank you for the compliment on my Zissou! Yours are adorable, and make me a little homesick for my sister's kitty.
 

theimp98

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that is one of the reason i did not stay on kent states campus.
they said that since i was a frist year student i would had no choice...
i explained in a very polite manner that the first time my roommate came in drunk, or woke me up he would get a free flying lesson.. they gave me the ok to stay off the campus


how about a nice small effciency apartment ?
 

lookingglass

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Can you find out how close she is to 21? Perhaps, you won't have to worry about that for too long. Now, as for her friends, I would lay down a ground rule that anyone under 21 isn't allowed to drink in your apartment at all. If you behind is on the line then you get to set this rule. If you catch anyone breaking it, then you can escalate it to the proper people.
 

catlover19

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Wow, American schools are strict. I really have no opinion on this because here legal drinking age is 19 so most people who go to college are already old enough to drink. I was only 18 my first year of college and I would drink and nobody seemed to care.
 

arlyn

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They only became strict because of some downright dangerous things happening as a result of drinking, they weren't always.

It's another case of the few ruining it for the many.


I've got no problem with underage drinking myself, I have got a huge problem with irresponsible drinking, no matter the age.
 

kaleetha

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Originally Posted by Arlyn

I've got no problem with underage drinking myself, I have got a huge problem with irresponsible drinking, no matter the age.
Hear hear!!!

I hope things work out with this gal soon for you!!
 
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