Help with "punishment"

...although this could be in the other ANIMALS forum (not really)

So our 13 year old daughter asked to get her lip pierced last night. My hubby said no way, and I said, sure! When you're 18!!!! So the friend that spent the night last night pierced her lip for her anyway. So she's in big trouble but I would sort of like to make her understand why that's an adult decision. Hubby says take away all her privileges. I say GIVE her MORE responsibilities. Help me think of things that I can make her do to understand that being all grown up isn't all that great sometimes.

dont let her have friends over or dont let her go to her friends house.

I agree with you. Give her more responsibilities. If she is choosing to make adult decisions, then she needs to have adult consequences.

Did you make her take the ring out?

Originally Posted by kluchetta

...although this could be in the other ANIMALS forum

(not really)

So our 13 year old daughter asked to get her lip pierced last night. My hubby said no way, and I said, sure! When you're 18!!!! So the friend that spent the night last night pierced her lip for her anyway. So she's in big trouble but I would sort of like to make her understand why that's an adult decision. Hubby says take away all her privileges. I say GIVE her MORE responsibilities. Help me think of things that I can make her do to understand that being all grown up isn't all that great sometimes.

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Wow, this is a rough one. IMO I say do both. Take stuff away that is a privileges (phone, internet, TV), and give her more work to do (cleaning out litter boxes, making sure the house is clean, yard work).

I'm assuming that you have taken out the lip ring, have you thought about taking her to a doctor? If a friend of her's did it, there is a big likelihood of infection.

Originally Posted by clixpix

I agree with you. Give her more responsibilities. If she is choosing to make adult decisions, then she needs to have adult consequences.

Did you make her take the ring out?

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Actually, I'm going to make her live with it, and realize that it's not that comfortable, and also let her see how people treat her differently by her making that choice. Now if I could just have it be REALLY uncomfortable for a couple weeks, that would be good.

Originally Posted by clixpix

I agree with you. Give her more responsibilities. If she is choosing to make adult decisions, then she needs to have adult consequences.

Did you make her take the ring out?

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Yep..Yep..And Yep.
The ring should come out. 13 years old...Yeah..the ring is not a good thing.
Adult responsiblities..Yeppers..Role out the rules chart.
Good luck with that.

First, if you haven't already, get rid of the lip ring.

Second, I agree, if she wants to try to act like an adult, heap some more responsiblity on her and take away her priviledges, afterall, we adults have no priviledges, we have to earn them.

Originally Posted by lilleah

Good luck with that.

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LOL, thanks a lot!!!

Originally Posted by kluchetta

Actually, I'm going to make her live with it, and realize that it's not that comfortable, and also let her see how people treat her differently by her making that choice. Now if I could just have it be REALLY uncomfortable for a couple weeks, that would be good.

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Yeah..I didnt think about that.
Good idea. Did they pierce it at home?
Cuz then it's more likely it'll be un-comfortable.

Show her pictures of what happens when those get infected.... shudder.

Hmmmmm... a punishment that fits the crime, huh? I'm on your side, by the way, although it might come back to bite you if you make her have the responsibilities of an adult she will then argue that now that she acts like an adult she should be allowed to have a lip ring.

Why don't you tell her she has to pay the bills this month (or pick one, like the phone or internet or something-- one she might actually be able to pay) and then once she gets the money to pay that bill, tell her what fraction of the budget it is! Like, if your phone bill is 80$ or something, tell her it's 7% of your spending for the month (making up figures here).

Honestly, financial responsibility is the most shockingly adult thing. Cleaning and cooking and what have you are just chores.

Really though she had to know she'd obviously be busted and was probably doing it to impress her friends. It'll be embarassing enough when she has to face them with it obviously not on her face.

I disagree with leaving it in, because it will get infected. Her friend did it, and I doubt did it right, and teaching her a lesson shouldn't have to result in a scar on her face she'll have for life. If it was done right, I would agree with you, but the health risks are too great.

I say let her keep the lip ring with the following changes in her life... Since she has decided she is an adult, charge her rent, make her pay part of the utilities, part of groceries, do her own laundry, clean her room ,dishes every other night, etc. If she whines, which you know she will, make her take it out then. Its like that new cell phone commerical "Why do you always have to treat me like and adult?"

Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

Show her pictures of what happens when those get infected.... shudder.

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My Mom was an ER nurse for 30 years. To stop me from getting my belly button pierced she showed me a picture of one that was infected. To this day, I don't even have my ears pierced because of that picture.

I agree that fiscal responsibility is the pits. Good idea.

The "friend" supposedly has a mom that "used to" be a beautician, and they did it "antiseptically". Maybe I should go get a petri dish and culture the bathroom counter. *shudder*

I feel sort of bad, because she cut her hair at a slumber party several months ago, and I said, "it'll grow back". And actually it looked pretty cute. I hope I didn't start something I can't finish.

No, please, do not let her keep the ring.
I assume you still pay for her dental (with insurance of course).

I can tell you firsthand what happens when metal rubs tooth enamel.
You do not want that expense.

Originally Posted by Arlyn

No, please, do not let her keep the ring.
I assume you still pay for her dental (with insurance of course).

I can tell you firsthand what happens when metal rubs tooth enamel.
You do not want that expense.

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Oh, crap. I forgot about that. She has braces.

Originally Posted by kluchetta

Oh, crap. I forgot about that. She has braces.

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Yeah, I would make her take it out.. Letting her leave it in tells her that even when you say no she can do it anyways and get away with it.
I'm sure her orthodontist wouldn't be happy about it either. I truly wouldn't allow her around that friend anymore. Sounds like trouble brewing. Just like with the hair cutting... what else is she going to do when after you tell her no? I'd put my foot down and take the ring out. Then show her what it's like to be an adult. you have to EARN priviliages... not have them handed to you...

What she needs to learn is that adults have to deal with the consequences of their actions. A logical consequence of a "DIY" lip piercing is a nasty infection. I would make her a Dr.s appointment to get it checked out, cleaned out and let the Dr talk to her about appropriate ways to be pierced. Safe ways. Then, make her pay for the visit. Even if your insurance pays for it, show her the bill and tell her she needs to pay you back for it. She was "adult" enough to go ahead and pierce her lip, she's adult enough to pay for the Dr.s visit. This gives her a better idea of the cost of a Dr.s visit when nothing's wrong (hopefully it's not infected!). Now imagine the cost if it did get infected!

THEN, make her research good safe places to get pierced. She needs to call around and ask questions about health and safety standards, costs, and the age she'll need to be to have proceedures done without parental consent. I'm guessing it'll be 18. She's already demonstrated she'll go against your wishes, if she wants to do it again, at least make sure she knows how to do it safely and legally. (which will hopefully mean she'll wait until she's 18 for the next form of body art!)

Oh, also make sure you take lots and lots of pictures, so you can pull them out when she goes on her first date and show them off to her suitor!

~Julia

I agree with giving her more adult responsibilities. If she wants make such an adult decision, she will be expected to behave like an adult. I wouldn't restrict her from seeing this friend because that will make her all the more determined to do so. Similarly, forcing her to remove the ring will only make her want to rebel more. Leaving it in with your acceptance will make her more likely to not want it anymore since it's lost its shock value. Instead of taking away privileges, you'll be keeping her so busy with her required tasks you'll see to it that she has very little time to be on the phone/computer/watch tv, etc. due to her new responsibilities.

With any punishment you may choose, make it clear that she's not being punished for getting the piercing, but rather for blatantly going against your wishes by disobeying and getting it done after you had clearly told her no.

Another thought, she went into this decision without knowing all the facts, therefore, she should write you a report of the various aspects of this type of piercing, including the importance of a trained professional performing any piercing, the risks of not using properly sterilized equipment such as infection at best in addition to the likelihood of transferring various illnesses. She should include the risk of infection to any piercing, most especially a home performed piercing involving the lip, the signs and symptoms of infection, treatment, etc. The long term ramifications such as the suggested potential wear on tooth enamel and the permanence of having a hole in your lip with a possible mark remaining even if it's allowed to close up and then whatever you can think of to make the report a little more miserable for her

Just my thoughts...

I have to say she's one lucky 13 yr old. My bum would of been tanned by my mother and father, and TONS of yelling.

The making her pay a bill is a good idea but what 13 gets that kind of allowance, I sure didn't, I didn't even get allowance, it was called pop bottles.

I would make her take it out, since it will ruin her teeth, and could get stuck in her braces. Since it was a home job, it will most likely get affected if the girl didn't use sterial glove, rubbing alcohol on the area, or even clean the earring so there was no bacteria. She could also chip a tooth on the pierce too.

Find pics of what a it will look like after it grows back. sometimes things like that will leave a scar. Like tongue rings can leave a indent after they grow back.

One other thing, if she' allergic to nickel in earrings, and can only ear gold, sterling silver, than she will most likely have a problem with the material that is in her chin.

For punshiment, its hard because at that age no kid really cares what they get tooken away, or least that was how my brother was. But I would contact that girl that did this to your daughter, parents, and tell them what the girl did.

Since most 13 year olds don't have cash to pay a bill, have her sit down and help you budget your bills, so she can see what adult life is like. Have help you plan the food menu for how ever long you shop for, and have her pick out the food and tally how much the food bill will be. Do a pretend apartment hunting, and add ALL the bills that will be included like car insurance, and so forth.

Another idea give her play money persay how a young 20 year old would have living on their own. Make her use her pretent money for each meal that she eats. Like a sandwich is 5.00, a glass of water is 1.25, pop is 2. and so forth. Do this for a week.

Or better yet, what I hated is when I did something like pierce my upper ear my mother did it. Go get a magnetic fake piercing and put one in our lip and walk around with it. Usually if a parent does it, the teen will hate it.

Those were just a few ideas. Sometimes teens make you so mad you don't or can't think of a good punishment. Good luck.

Stephanie - I hadn't even thought of the scarring factor. Hope she's ok, because she's got her dad's olive skin. And I really like the report idea. As you know, the more senses you have to use, the more something stays with you. As luck would have it, we have a family reunion this week. I think I might have to write her a script to recite.

I actually hadn't seen it until about an hour ago - it's a little diamond stud, not a "ring". Not that that's ok. But it's not as ugly as I thought it would be. Honestly the worst part is that she just doesn't understand that there are certain decisions you shouldn't make when you are 13.

Catlady, you are too funny! I think I'll put one in my lip and that will DEFINITELY make it not cool. LOLOLOL!

P.S. I have to have a BIG surgery soon. I told her she was in charge of the house for about 4 weeks. She got really humble!