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guy probs. Advice. plez

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
haha, this is kinda weird but, can someone help me with some guy problems im having?? I'm in a position in which i don't know what i want to do any more.

Ok. Here's the scoooop!!! My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost 7 months, and every once in a while we would get in these arugements that really bug me. For exampe. Today we just returned from a little vacation from the dells. Both days were filled with alot of stuff going on; water rides, walking around and just plain having fun. When we returned from the Dells I figured we would just chill out around the house for we had a long few days. Well, his friend called and wanted to know if he wanted to go to HWY 100 ( A place were you race your car, illegally, kind of a dangerous thing and so i really don't wanna go when he takes his car, I'm really afraid he's going to break it.) Anyway, he didn't really get my input in the situation, at the time i was thinking about rather or not i should go or not. I told him how it would be a bad idea to go anyway for the fact that gas here is bout $3.27 and his car doesn't really get good gas mileage, also it was going to rain later on too. So basically he told his friends that he would go without letting me tell him rather or not i wanted to go or not. Then he said some comment on how we were together for the past few days and that he wanted to at least go to hwy so his friends won't complain about it later. He told me that he would only race once and then just cruise there after, Then! he said Oh, i'll probably race a few times. Then he got kinda mad at me because i didn't want to go and he really wanted me to go, but the only problem is that I don't want to be in the car if he is going to race. If i were to go to hwy with him all his guy friends were going to be there and i would be the only girl..kind of a weird situation for me since i really don't know his friends that much. Basically he wanted to be with his friends, yet he wanted to be with me. He got all mad at me because I didn't want to go. So i told him go off and be w/ your friends tonite and might as well be with them tomorrow. I was just surprised at the fact that I thought that we were going to chill out at the house and just relax. I feel sometimes, in somewhat simular situations that he finds his friends more important. I hardly see my friends at all. Yet he can see his anytime he wants, and then im left to do nothing. he told me that he sees his friends enuff yet he seems to be hanging out with them more and more. And also doesn't really want to listen to me, he isn't really good on money, yet he will drive his car around that is about 7-8 miles per gallon with the gas as high as it is. And when he does go with his friends and i ask if i can go with, i never can.

i don't know, this has been happening on and off with arguements like this and its starting to get to me. I'm just getting sick of each other getting mad at each other. sorry for this being so long but in order for someone to help me you kinda have to know what the situation is. If anyone can give me some advice that would be greatly appreciated!!.
post #2 of 26
Yikes. First of all, that racing thing seems really dangerous.

As far as the relationship goes, it sounds like you two need to discuss things and make it clear that you should both have time to spend with your friends but that you need to take each other's feelings into consideration.
I think you should spend some time with your friends too. It's important that you don't let your relationship with him be your whole life. It will keep you balanced and will make small problems in your relationship less upsetting if you have other friends you see often or activities that you do without him. Plus if you ever have serious problems with him (or if the relationship ends), you'll be thankful for the support available from your friends.

I also get the impression from your post that he doesn't listen to you or take your feelings into consideration much (at least in this case). He really should have accepted that you don't want to go with him... it's pretty rude of him to make plans without consulting you and then get angry when you don't want to follow him. If you find that this is a common problem in your relationship, you might want to look into some relationship therapy... or reconsider the relationship completely.
post #3 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by marie-p

I also get the impression from your post that he doesn't listen to you or take your feelings into consideration much (at least in this case). He really should have accepted that you don't want to go with him... it's pretty rude of him to make plans without consulting you and then get angry when you don't want to follow him. If you find that this is a common problem in your relationship, you might want to look into some relationship therapy... or reconsider the relationship completely.
yea, the listening thing and what not is a problem. Last week, he went to a car show that he wanted to be in so bad, it was going to be about 105 degrees outside and i told him that it is going to be too hot and that we are better off going rafting instead. But he's like no im going to go no matter what, i have been looking forward to if for a while. Yet, theres another car show this weekend he wants to go to, which he will for sure win something for his car. He just didn't take into consideration what i said about it being so hot and that it could be dangerous to be sitting outside in such heat. When ever i try to make a opinion about something i get shot down like im always wrong.
post #4 of 26
Ok as a guy, here, I dont see anything wrong with him going out with is friends. You should also be hanging out and doing stuff with your friends. If is something he really wants to do, that you dont like.

then i would suggest you do the following
tell him why you do not like him doing it(no yelling, tell him a calm even voice)
tell him how it makes you feel when he does this,.
let him answer you without getting upset,
then drop the subject.

Guys are different then women as we all know, part of that difference is what we find fun. i do some stuff that my SO does not like, sure some stuff i do is not open for talking about,. IE, motorcycles, airplanes, guns, and hunting( yea yea i know, i love animals, but i also like to eat some of them, I only hunt the ones i will eat, never for sport) bottom line is if a guy stops doing eveything he finds fun, then in time he will stop being the guy you liked in the first place

now the part about not listening, is he not really ? or is he just not doing what you want him to do? i get accused all the time of not listening cause i wont stop drinking coffee, i hear her just fine, but i am not going to stop drinking coffee.

I would really suggest you get into the habit of also sending time with your friends, if he does not like that, well to bad. There is no way i would ever tell my wife, no matter how much a couple of friends annoy me, that she cant have them over or go out with them.

Well it sounds like he is really into cars, try and make a date far ahead, or get some of your friends to go do the rafting with? However i will admit that if he never wants to take you with his friends then there is a issue there.

some advice from a guy
post #5 of 26
Thread Starter 
well he doesn't really want me to go with him to see his friends or meet up w/ them. It just upsets me that he doesn't really take my opinions into consideration, i don't mind that he wants to be with his friends but its just the times that he picks to go be with his friends upsets me. We can be having a really good time and all of a sudden "bam" he wants to be with his friends. And usually he will let me think rather or not i want to come with or not, and this time he didn't really let me think about rather or not i wanted to go or not, he also changes his story alot when it comes to racing on HWY. Oh i'll only race once, and then 5 mins later, or once or twice i'll go, and then before he leaves after i was thinking that he wasn't going to race more then once he goes...oh i can't really guarentee that im not going to race. So he doesn't really know what he is doing half the time. Some of his friends don't really make me happy on some days. One of his friends is a complete pervert, and the other one that he usually hangs out with picks on me once in a while depending on what the situation is.
post #6 of 26
Kaelyn, I'm assuming your boyfriend isn't much older than you, correct? If that's the case, he's at that age where his friends are really important to him, and he wants a girlfriend, he's just not great at communicating what it is he wants or needs. Granted, not all guys go through this and not all go through it at that age.

I agree that you should explain to him how it makes you feel when he does something, but in a calm tone. Don't use words like, "You make me feel" because it's not HIM that's making you feel that way, it's what he did or didn't do. "When you said that, I felt...." or "When you did that in that way, I felt..." I cannot tell you how long it took me to figure that out.

I can totally see myself in you. I'm not that much older than you are (I'm only 24) but I remember being 17-18 years old. When I dated a guy, I wanted to be around him and was perplexed as to why he wanted to spend so much time with his friends. Most guys need those male bonding moments.

So, explain to him how you feel, let him hang out with his friends and if he says anything, firmly say, "Hon, I want to spend time with you too, but I want you to spend time with your friends. I know how important they are to you." and mean it. No guilt trips, no anger, just sincerety. He'll appreciate it.

My fiance always tells me that one of men's top needs are compliments, but not how most women need them. Men like to feel appreciated, needed and that their SO is proud of them. I've noticed a huge difference in my own relationship once I got that (DER! lol) and once I stopped telling him what he did wrong.

Just remember, you're both young and it can take time to learn how to communicate effectively in relationships, but life works out so much better once you figure it out.
post #7 of 26
I think you've gotten EXCELLENT advice so far. I just wanted to ask, is he breaking plans with you to be with his friends? If he does, then that's not fair to you, and you need to have a serious talk about it. But if he just makes plans with his friends separately, then you're just going to have to accept that he does need male bonding time. The best thing to do during these times is to make plans with your own friends, so you're not alone wondering what he's doing. Good luck!
post #8 of 26
No matter how close you are in a relationship you are still two separate people with somewhat differing interests- you are not joined at the hip because you are a couple.

I believe that each person should have interests to pursue that make them happy- he has car buddies and whatnot- what do you have?
You can't let your happiness rise and fall on what he is doing 100% of the time- you need to find a way to make your life rewarding on your own.
Our interests and activities are what makes us interesting to each other as people- if you are always together always doing the same thing what do you talk about at the end of the day?
And hardly any man wants a clingy girlfriend- it makes you seem too needy.

I've been married a really long time, and I really don't believe in either of us having to ask the other ones permission before doing anything. We're adults and we do whatever we each want to do. That doesn't mean you don't ask "Do we have anything planned for this weekend?", or can never say "I'm feeling a little lonely, could we stay in this weekend?", it just means that we are allowed to be separate people with separate interests.

It sounds to me as if you need a hobby or girlfriends to do things with that you really enjoy. If your happiness always depends on what he is doing it is an uneven relationship- you are defining yourself around him. Get busy doing interesting things- let him want to spend more time with you, and you be too busy!

Don't get all caught up in being half of a whole.
Be a whole all by yourself.
post #9 of 26
Please do not make the mistake of devoting all your time for a guy!

You need female friends, you will regret not having any by the end of the relationship!

*hugs*
post #10 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by fwan
Please do not make the mistake of devoting all your time for a guy!

You need female friends, you will regret not having any by the end of the relationship!

*hugs*

Yep, I agree. Girlfriends are super important because they are who you will go to when your man is a jerk!

About the other problems, you just need to TALK to him. Communication is key in any relationship Voice your opinions and let him tell you his, and then compromise.
post #11 of 26
I agree with all of the above posters telling you to devote time to your female friends. And I have a little story to add.

DH and I didn't get married until I was 6 months pregnant with Annabelle. I spent my time at work or with my husband, and he did the same, because I was pregnant. After Annabelle was born, DH still got to go to work, would go and play pool or guitar with his buddies, and I would stay at home by myself with the baby. As Annabelle got older, we could go out together, but it wasn't the same as female companionship. Madeleine was born 18 months after Annabelle and, once again, I reverted to the same. I didn't even like to go to the grocery store. I realized I was absolutely miserable without my girlfriends. Its taken some time, but I've rebuilt those friendships (it was hard at first, after such a long time in my self-confinement.) Now, I have a bi-monthly girls night out. Our husbands have to watch the kids (they usually get together and take the kids to McDonalds Playland or Chuch E. Cheese). I am so much happier, I am a better wife and mother because of it.

Don't let your friendships fall apart or devote all of your time to a man. I did it to myself and it seems like you are doing it to yourself as well. I don't know if its female brain chemistry or what, but I know that this happens alot. Women seem to get into relationships and the rest of their life ceases to exist.
post #12 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cearbhaill
I've been married a really long time, and I really don't believe in either of us having to ask the other ones permission before doing anything. We're adults and we do whatever we each want to do. That doesn't mean you don't ask "Do we have anything planned for this weekend?", or can never say "I'm feeling a little lonely, could we stay in this weekend?", it just means that we are allowed to be separate people with separate interests.
It sounds to me as if you need a hobby or girlfriends to do things with that you really enjoy. If your happiness always depends on what he is doing it is an uneven relationship- you are defining yourself around him. Get busy doing interesting things- let him want to spend more time with you, and you be too busy!
I definately agree with this. You can't tell a person what to do, without them resenting you. You are not his mother. And it really sounds like you want to control him. I don't like it when my hubby rides his motorcycle in front of his friends because he shows off and tries to impress them. But I can't tell him not to ride, or not to ride with his friends. I can express my worry and concern for his safety, and insist that he at least wear a helmet. Do you see the difference? Maybe it's just the way your post sounds, saying things like:
Quote:
And also doesn't really want to listen to me
and
Quote:
the listening thing and what not is a problem. Last week, he went to a car show that he wanted to be in so bad, it was going to be about 105 degrees outside and i told him that it is going to be too hot and that we are better off going rafting instead. But he's like no im going to go no matter what, i have been looking forward to if for a while.
Can you see how this seems like you are trying to control him & his time? Maybe he feels this way too? Maybe that is why he is having problems spending more time with you because he feels controlled. Try to remember that you are young, and he is young, and even at 31 (my hubby's age) they still want to hang out with their friends, even after being together 7 yrs & married for 4. Another wise piece of advice is choose your battles. Don't fight with him because you think it's too hot to go to a car show, instead if you don't want to go, then say well I'd rather go rafting, but if you really want to go to the car show, I'm not up to it in this heat, but have a good time.....and find something else to do. Then call later, and ask how it was, you will "catch more flies" this way. Then tell him that you'd like to plan to go rafting on this date, is that ok with him? This is called consideration for the other person, which is a BIG part of marriage & relationships, not control, but consideration. I hope this doesn't sound harsh as I'm typing it, I really don't mean it that way. I mean it more from "a wise big sister" kinda way. I lost my 1st love by being controlling, and his friends played a huge part in it. In the end, I lost. Don't let them win by fighting with him each time he wants to hang with them...it will only send him running to his friends more cause you 2 are fighting.
post #13 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilboardingurl6
Last week, he went to a car show that he wanted to be in so bad, it was going to be about 105 degrees outside and i told him that it is going to be too hot and that we are better off going rafting instead. But he's like no im going to go no matter what, i have been looking forward to if for a while. Yet, theres another car show this weekend he wants to go to, which he will for sure win something for his car. He just didn't take into consideration what i said about it being so hot and that it could be dangerous to be sitting outside in such heat. When ever i try to make a opinion about something i get shot down like im always wrong.
You're assuming that what you say is always going to be what happens. He really wants to go to a car show, and has probably planned it, then you say no, it's too hot, lets go rafting, or course he'll be annoyed! You haven't taken his plans into consideration, and listened to him. You also say it could be dangerous sitting outside in the heat - no more so than rafting!

He has hobbies, and he seems to want you to go to things with him, which mans he cares about you! it would be different if he never wanted you to go with him.

If he does do things with his friends that you really don't want to do, go do something with your friends! If you've lost contact with friends, make new ones. Join some sort of group that you're interesting in (a rafting/outdoors club maybe) and go do that when he's busy.

This point of a relationship is hard, after 7 months it's getting serious, and you start wondering where it's leading, and whether you want to keep on going with it, or whether it's just a waste of time.

It sounds as though you need to relax a bit, spend more time with your friends, and work out whether the relationship is what you're after.
post #14 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyGirl
I definately agree with this. You can't tell a person what to do, without them resenting you. You are not his mother. And it really sounds like you want to control him. I don't like it when my hubby rides his motorcycle in front of his friends because he shows off and tries to impress them. But I can't tell him not to ride, or not to ride with his friends. I can express my worry and concern for his safety, and insist that he at least wear a helmet. Do you see the difference? Maybe it's just the way your post sounds, saying things like:
and

Can you see how this seems like you are trying to control him & his time? Maybe he feels this way too? Maybe that is why he is having problems spending more time with you because he feels controlled. Try to remember that you are young, and he is young, and even at 31 (my hubby's age) they still want to hang out with their friends, even after being together 7 yrs & married for 4. Another wise piece of advice is choose your battles. Don't fight with him because you think it's too hot to go to a car show, instead if you don't want to go, then say well I'd rather go rafting, but if you really want to go to the car show, I'm not up to it in this heat, but have a good time.....and find something else to do. Then call later, and ask how it was, you will "catch more flies" this way. Then tell him that you'd like to plan to go rafting on this date, is that ok with him? This is called consideration for the other person, which is a BIG part of marriage & relationships, not control, but consideration. I hope this doesn't sound harsh as I'm typing it, I really don't mean it that way. I mean it more from "a wise big sister" kinda way. I lost my 1st love by being controlling, and his friends played a huge part in it. In the end, I lost. Don't let them win by fighting with him each time he wants to hang with them...it will only send him running to his friends more cause you 2 are fighting.
I agree with this post. Don't let yourself get into a parent-child relationship where you are the parent and he is seeking permission from you to go racing or whatever. Be sure you are approaching him as an equal. Also, let him know of your plans up front. After the Dells, was he aware you wanted to spend a few more days alone together?

And some alone time is good, but IMO the healthiest guys are those who can maintain male friendships. They seem to be more balanced somehow. The fact that he has male friends, even is some of them are kinda rude, is a big plus.

Call your friends, and plan a double date, or girls time out. It will make a world of difference.

P.S. You sound very young. Learning to work these things out now will save you so much grief in the long run! Let us know how things work out!
post #15 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckiboo
After the Dells, was he aware you wanted to spend a few more days alone together?
His friend called like 5 times the last day we are at the dells and his friend said " You are going to hwy" the first time his friend called was the morning that we were leaving the hotel and i told my bf, hey were better off just chilling out tonite and just go tomorrow to hwy. and he said that i had a good point but then the other few times his friend called he started to say that he might go. On the way home, we slept for the ride, and he told me that he wanted to relax for a little bit on the way home. Well he did and right when we got home 20 mins later his friend calls again and my bf asked me if i wanted to go, but all his guy friends are going to be there and if i were to go im usually ignored and i don't like the whole racing thing because he drives like an idiot and i don't want him to race his car. The only way i really go to hwy is if one of his friends were driving but before he left i asked well who is driving and he said he was going to and then when his friends arrived he was going into his friends car and his friend said that he wasn't going to take any one else in his car, yet there was still room. My bf ended up going by himself.
post #16 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilboardingurl6
His friend called like 5 times the last day we are at the dells and his friend said " You are going to hwy" the first time his friend called was the morning that we were leaving the hotel and i told my bf, hey were better off just chilling out tonite and just go tomorrow to hwy. and he said that i had a good point but then the other few times his friend called he started to say that he might go.
Maybe part of this is different communication styles. Sometimes if you say "this would be best" and he says "yes you have a point" maybe you mean "this is the plan" and he means "it is still negotiable"
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilboardingurl6
On the way home, we slept for the ride, and he told me that he wanted to relax for a little bit on the way home. Well he did and right when we got home 20 mins later his friend calls again and my bf asked me if i wanted to go, but all his guy friends are going to be there and if i were to go im usually ignored and i don't like the whole racing thing because he drives like an idiot and i don't want him to race his car. The only way i really go to hwy is if one of his friends were driving but before he left i asked well who is driving and he said he was going to and then when his friends arrived he was going into his friends car and his friend said that he wasn't going to take any one else in his car, yet there was still room. My bf ended up going by himself.
So he may see this as your plans were flexible, and he did invite you and you declined. You see it as you had plans and he ditched you to see his friends. It does sound like he is seeking permission from you to do things, and trying to talk you into "letting" him go. And possibly thinking that he is inching you into agreement by saying 1. I won't race, 2. I'll only race once, 3. you can come too. And his attempt to negotiate is just making you more angry and upset!

Sit down and talk this out with him. Let him know you value his friendships with the guys, but you are feeling left out. Decide together how to resolve this. Maybe be firmer on your plans, or put it on a calendar so if the guys call he can see if you two already have plans he will be breaking. Then you will also be tracking how often he is off doing young and foolish guy things with his buddies. If it is continual, and you are really being left out, it will be down on paper for you to discuss with him. If it is once a week, then you will know that you need to let him have his guy time.

And maybe a set "couple time", where you know every thursday evening is a time for just the two of you. Then you will know he is devoting a certain time to you, and maybe you will feel more valued. Be sure he understands that this time is really important to you.

As for whether racing is safe or not, you can encourage him not to race, but you can't really be the one to stop it IMO. That sets the relationship up with control issues. When he says he wants to go racing or whatever, limit yourself to one reminder that you prefer he not race, then let him go.

These are just my opinions based on what you have written. Sometimes it is hard to get a full picture from on-line postings. My advice may be misguided. But from what I am reading you are feeling left out, and it is very possible he has no clue why.

DH and I had to work out a few minor things in our relationship. One was "his chair". I grew up where my Dad's chair was always offered to a guest, as a sign of kindness. He grew up where no one sat in his Dad's chair. (Both at the table and in the front room.) So when we had guests and I offered dh's chair to them, he felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable if someone headed for "his" chair, asking them not to sit there, or seeing him ask them not to sit there. It was a very small thing, but we really had to discuss it and figure out that it was how our Dad's did things that made the difference. We did work it out, in his favor, since it meant so much to him. Thankfully he is less territorial now. (Maybe he has some tomcat in him?!?) Take the time to figure out with your bf where this is all stemming from. It really sounds like it can be resolved.
post #17 of 26
(My gosh I'm a blabbermouth, sorry!)

Another thing that comes to mind is that while you were away on your couple time at the Dells, his buddies called 5 times. Maybe if that was limited you would feel more special, too. I mean, you don't call him constantly when he is with his friends, right? Maybe he needs to put that cell phone on silent sometimes, and return their calls later!
post #18 of 26
Thread Starter 
i don't call him when he is away with his friends, theres only a few instances when i called him is if he is going to be around a place were he can pick me up something or if hail is going to be an issue because of his car. Which i know he has no problem when it comes to the hail playing a role, his car is alot to him.

I have no problem being w/ his friends, but theres a few of them that aren't really...nice or are perverted. Even when his one friend calls all the time knowing if he wants to go do something, he would even tell them that he is hanging out w/ me, but he ends up going off and doing something any way even after he says he was going to be w/ me for the day or thefew hours
post #19 of 26
This is interesting, wow i seek with a few favors. You said you've been dating for 7mons? About half a year, IMO thats when your really jumpy and trying to figure out each other.

Me and my boyfriend will be dating for 4yrs Aug,19, and the first yr or so we really were not connecting alot he wanted to go right i wanted to go left lol. A man IMO is alittle childish (no offence since i seen a guy talking here :P) but they really are because they don't want to let go there craves for there girlfriends. If you want to have fun sure fine go have fun but put your foot down at not listening make him stand up and stop doing everything for his own pleasure.

The moment you hit the relationship your both equal you need to decide toghther not just connect when it happens things need to be planned. Troy was the same but he cut the picture with his friends when his one friend started trying to do more than flirt with me. So maybe alittle pay back flirt with his friends or something or flirt with other guys get his attention that you won't stick around if he wants to be selfish.

Theres alot of good things that come out of a guys personailty like Troy loves cats/animals and he also loves horse back riding and stuff i like. I also can now after how long get him to go in Bath & Body in the mall lol.

So just a few tips from a girl with a long term relationship with a guy that use to act like your boyfriend. ::
post #20 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilboardingurl6
His friend called like 5 times the last day we are at the dells and his friend said " You are going to hwy" the first time his friend called was the morning that we were leaving the hotel and i told my bf, hey were better off just chilling out tonite and just go tomorrow to hwy.
Sorry to digress from the main subject here, but my motherhood kicked in reading this. What is a 17 year old doing on a overnight trip with her boyfriend? Maybe the world has changed in the (almost) 10 years since I have been 17, but my parents would never have let me do this. Jeez, I was lucky to stay out until midnight. Just curious.
post #21 of 26
What 17? I thought she was over 18 (no offence lilboardingurl6) . But yea curious alittle on the young side not that i'm old but still your under 18 lol.
post #22 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KittyPaws
What 17? I thought she was over 18 (no offence lilboardingurl6) . But yea curious alittle on the young side not that i'm old but still your under 18 lol.
haha oh no we were w/ his rents. and some of his family. My mom would never let me go by myself w/ him until im 18
post #23 of 26
lol i know that feeling i was 16 and my mom wanted to tie me to my bed. I was really wild but i'm only 22 so i guess i'm still young and troy thinks i'm crazy :P.
post #24 of 26
Kaelyn - you're getting some really good advice here from people about your relationship, and things you can do to improve it, but you're still acting defensive and trying to explain why he's wrong and you're right.

It took me a long time to learn to take responsibility for my actions, and listen objectively when people gave me advice. I'm 25, and I still have so much to learn about accepting advice and criticism! Look back at what you've written, and try to look at it from his point of view.

You've asked for advice, and people have given it. Maybe you were just after a bit of sympathy and hoping people would say how annoying boys are, but you asked for advice, hard as it is to accept...
post #25 of 26
Yea i agree with saraph. Boys will be boys lol sometimes it takes a few people to make you relize that lol. As much as alot of women hate it they have alot of set backs and flaws ::
post #26 of 26
I think it is time for both of you guys to get better life and health insurances.

My hubby is into bicycle racing, but he would never make me go....especially since I don't have enough health insurance.
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