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need your opinion - what would you do??

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
Well last Friday a friend of mine had a "girls night out" pool party at her house. One of the guest was also a mutual friend of ours, let's call her Kitty, we have known each other for about 5 years. She is going through a rough patch right now to which we can relate (we all have been there one way or another), she has been out of a job for the past 7 months , has a hard time finding a new job, is still going through bankrupsy and on top of it has Adult ADD.

Anyway, the friend who was hosting the party also invited another set of her friends which I met for the first time that night. As the evening went on I was mingling and at one point walked over to the table where Kitty was sitting with a mix of old and new friends when she turned to me and wispered into my ear that "the girls" meaning that our hosts other set of friends think I am a ___ ____ ____ BITCH, but that was ok because she knew that was not true? :censor::censor::censor:???????? This came straight out of left field and all I could say was SO??? and walked away. OK Kitty did have a few glasses of wine and yes she likes to be the center of attention where I am much more layed back but ....

First these people don't know me well enough, second why would these people mention anything like that in front of people they thought of as my friends, and third I don't think of myself as that important a subject - it just dosen't make sense to me.

I have been disgesting this for a few days now and find the whole thing quite disturbing. Is it jealousy, is it that Kitty needs to make herself look better than anyone else because things have not been going so well for her or is it just plain Psychotic .

Maybe I should mention she also has quite the disfunctional relationship with her family.

Anyway for now I just planning on pulling back for now. What do you guys think. AM I over reacting? Please don't hold back - your opinions are appreciated!!
post #2 of 11
I have no guesses as to what exactly is going on here, but if I were in your shoes, I'd just forget it. I mean, look at it this way--maybe a bunch of people you just met did call you a , but really, how big of a deal is that? You don't know these people and obviously they don't know you, so, as they say, water off a duck's back. If they did say it, it still doesn't explain really why Kitty would repeat it to you, but hey, people do wacky things, especially when they've been drinking. Maybe she was trying to rile up trouble, maybe she felt offended that these people said this about you and this was her misguided way of showing loyalty to you, who the heck knows. And if she made it up, well, then she's kind of got a screw loose, but there's nothing you can do about that. So in the end, it's probably not worth getting worked up over. I don't blame you for feeling defensive when it happened, I totally would too. But at this point, I'm sure you've got better things to expend your energy on than why people do the petty things they do.

All that being said, I wouldn't exactly buddy up to this gal Kitty in the future. Not that you've got to be cold or rude or anything, but just in case she is a bit of a head case, you don't want her causing you greater aggravation down the road.

Okay, I'll get off my now.
post #3 of 11
This sounds so much like my old best friend. She did alot of the same things. It sounds odd to me that a group of strangers would randomly start talking bad about you in the company of your friend. Unless of course this "friend" started saying something 1st, giving the others the impression that it was ok to badmouth you cause she was badmouthing you or felt some kinda way, in which they agreed. In my wise old age I have learned a few things, you can only count your "real" friends on one hand. I wouldn't take too much of it to heart. Maybe talk to the hostess of the party, and ask her if she knew of anything you could've done/said that could've caused the other girls to make comments about you. If she is unaware, then don't worry about it. Just explain that you were getting a funny feeling from them, and that someone else had mentioned that they didn't like you. Maybe you'll get the full story.

I've learned that some people are just trouble makers. Some people make themselves feel better by making other people feel bad. Some people are people pleasers, and feel the constant need to please whomever they are with at the moment. All this I learned from my former best friend & maid of honor. The whole time she smiled to my face, and took all of "my" friends away from me, friends that didn't even know her until I started bringing her to hang out with us. She started calling them, and then she'd make them feel bad for her by telling them that I had said mean things to her, like her house was dirty, and her wedding dress was ugly (all not true). So then the seed was planted. Then she told them I said things about them. And they started believing it. Then she went out & bought the same exact car as mine. And I didn't know any of this was going on... my one friend decided not to be in my wedding, but was gonna be in this girls wedding. The other girls ended up not showing up to my wedding at all. And I had already paid for their plates. And I had been the best friend anyone could've asked for to her. It really hurt me, it still does. And I still miss her, cause she was never ever really mean to my face. But I can never get myself involved in that kind of drama again... it's not worth the heartache.

Good luck... keep us posted.
post #4 of 11
I wouldn't worry about it. Who cares if a bunch of catty girls that you don't really know think you are a B. You knoow who your truely are and that you aren't one. I might also think about distancing myself from Kitty. Had she been a true friend she would have told them you are not and left them and talked to others.
post #5 of 11
I think how you handle it depends on your drama tolerance. Some people thrive off it and other hate it. I think most of us fall somewhere in the middle.

I think you can either approach Kitty (when she's sober ) and ask her about the comment. Though I don't know that I'd believe what she said. Or talk to the hostess and mention that you heard her "new" group of friends weren't that fond of you and ask why. Or you can let the whole thing drop and write it off as drunken ramblings. It could be someone called someone a bitch, and Kitty overheard and thought they were talking about you.

I find the best way to handle the drama queens is to not react to them in a dramatic fashion. Your "so?" was probably sufficient to snuff out Kitty's spotlight (if that's what she was doing).

I do have to admit that I love hearing other's drama, as long as I'm not involved in it! (going to a women's college will do that to you!)

post #6 of 11
It kind of makes me wonder why she has issues with her own family. Perhaps she has caused lots of bad feelings among them and they've washed their hands of her. Something to consider.
post #7 of 11
People who feel the need to tell you bad things that someone else has said about you is NOT a friend unless that person stood up to defend you to whomever badmouthed you.

I have an acquaintance just like "Kitty" and she has extremely low self-esteem, so making other people feel badly makes her feel better about myself. I considered her my friend once, but after a couple of similar situations, I let quite a bit of distance grow between us.

Unless you LIKE to feel bad, such a person is bound to do nothing but bring negativity into your life.
post #8 of 11
Originally Posted by Yosemite
It kind of makes me wonder why she has issues with her own family. Perhaps she has caused lots of bad feelings among them and they've washed their hands of her. Something to consider.
I agree. She is trying to isolate you so you have more time for her.

My BIL's ex used to be the same. Look how that turned out.
post #9 of 11
she sounds like a head case to be avoided.
post #10 of 11
Originally Posted by Hell603
Anyway for now I just planning on pulling back for now. What do you guys think. AM I over reacting? Please don't hold back - your opinions are appreciated!!
No, you're not overreacting. I have no doubt - she's a head case.

My advice is to pull back as far as good manners allows - i.e. be civil but don't make friendly whenever the two of you are thrown together, and have no contact with her outside of those times.

Oh, and just incase it's colouring your broader opinion - ADD doesn't typically make people like that (though I wouldn't say it's not a factor in her case - AD(H)D can cause problems with impluse control).
post #11 of 11
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for your input !!!

You have confirmed my gut feeling, that it was time to pull back. Unfortunately I can't prevent having some sort of contact with her since she is part of the circle of people I socialize with, so I just plan on keeping my distance ( as Satai put it so nicely "be civil") when I see her during those times but otherwise I won't make any other efforts to see/talk with her.

I have to do what is best (healthiest) for me and she is not part of that!!

Again - thanks for reassuring me that I was not over reacting and my feelings were on target.

TCS friends ROCK!!!!!!!!!!
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