I'm ENRAGED! (If you read Worried for a friend, please read!)

So I posted a thread on here about a friend of mine that is an abusive marriage. Last night she started working with me which I was excited about!!! She drove to my house and rode to work with me. (we had just palnned on doing this regularly!) On the way to my house she and her husband got into an argument on the phone about washing a blanket and going to the store. (He didn't want her to go by herself). Well last night she called me because she had found a note from another girl in their house that she didn't like the content of. She went to get the note to read it to me and her husband came and slammed her arm into the headboard of their bed while she was trying to retrieve the note. I heard lots of screaming then the phone went dead. Of couse, I was worried so I called her husbands phone. He answered and told me I couldn't talk to R. So I lipped off and told him to take her the phone or I was going to call the cops for her and tell them there was a domestic violence disturbance. Needless to say he took her the phone and she was bawling. About how she had ruined her life, she wanted a divorce and so on and so forth. So I got her calmed down and told her to call me if she needed anything and if she didn't feel safe to go to her dads or my house. I called her this morning and she tells me they talked things out and they are fine now. She also informs me that she can't ride to work with me anymore. I know the reason she can't is that her husband is keeping her from having any contact with me.

I'm so upset right I could just go punch him in the face. One, I'm annoyed that she would let him control our friendship. Two, I'm annoyed that she allows herself to be controlled. And finally, I'm annoyed that she keeps letting him talk his way out of it. It's to the point that I don't even want to bother talking to her anymore because it's a waste of my breath. I know I'm just upset right now and I am sincerely concerned, but why bother if she won't help herself.

Am I being a bad person? What steps should I take now, or should I just not bother with it anymore?

I would call the police. She may be scared to get away they could help her. If u dont want to call now i understand but if u hear it happening again call them asap. They may get mad but u could be caving her life. It is against the law to hurt another person.

Originally Posted by april31

I would call the police. She may be scared to get away they could help her. If u dont want to call now i understand but if u hear it happening again call them asap. They may get mad but u could be caving her life. It is against the law to hurt another person.

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Hell, if you witness an incident like that again, CALL the POLICE RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT!

They can get this guy in jail for domestic abuse, especially if they catch him in the act (if they don't it all depends on her and your words).

Also, you can call anonymously. We did in an apartment of ours...the couple across the hall was in an abusive fight and the police operater said that she wouldn't tell who it was that called.

Not to scare u but one of my best friends mom was killed by her b/f never take these situations lightly call the police if they come and its settled fine but never think it wont get that bad.

Right now I think all you can do is let her know you are there if she needs you. If you are going to be working with her anyway, you'll see her every day and be able to at least keep an eye on her for physical abuse.

You cannot help someone until they are ready to help themselves. She needs to be ready to make a move since I doubt you will be able to force her to. Just be sure to be there to help when she needs it.

If you start calling police, etc. now, there is nothing they will be able to do anyway without her pressing charges and it will end up with your friendship being dissolved. She may well need your friendship in the near future so try to keep it intact.

I have no experience with this sort of thing so the above is just my own gut feelings on how I would handle this. There are folks around this site that have had actual experience with this sort of thing that may have a better insight. I tend to try to step back and take time to think things through rather than act in the heat of the moment.

Look, Having lived with abuse all my life, if she has any bruises or cuts, you have the right to call the police and let them know what has happened.

I will send you a PM because i dont want to share so much info on this site.

anyway.
If you want to call the POLICE DO IT!!!!
because You can actually press charges on him but if she is stupid she will drop them for him. Get it?

Originally Posted by lunasmom

Hell, if you witness an incident like that again, CALL the POLICE RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT!

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I agree completely. You should have called 911 as soon as the phone went dead. It's very kind of you to offer to let your friend stay with you, but if her husband found out where your friend was and became enraged, you would both be in danger. This is just my opinion, but I think you friend needs to go to a women's shelter. She would be completely safe there, and the workers would be able to give her a lot of support and help her get a restraining order, press charges, and etc.

Unfortunately there is not much you can do to help her. If he is arrested and she chooses not to press charges (which sounds like it will likely happen) he will be out and you calling the police all the time will likely end up pissing him off more and he will take it out on her.

I have been through this stuff my entire life with my mom...if she is not ready to be helped then there is nothing you can do. If there are children involved though I would call social services and get them out of there because it can get bad for them as well.

Please feel free to PM me or email me ([email protected]) if you need to talk...I know how helpless you can feel.

Crystal

Originally Posted by Yosemite

If you start calling police.... it will end up with your friendship being dissolved. She may well need your friendship in the near future so try to keep it intact.

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It is better to have her friend alive and hate her, then have her friend dead because she held her tounge.

You need to call the police. Even now. Let them know there is an abusive sutiation that you know of, get it on file, that way when you need to call them again while the abuse IS happening, they will have a previous report ON FILE and will be able to do MORE for your friend.

She does not have to press charges in most places, for just that reason-- the woman (or man) being abused often won't press charges. If you call a domestic dispute they arrest the abuser if the other person has any bruises, cuts, etc. The state files charges, not the person. Check the laws in your state.

Alot of the time when the police come and arrest someone it's sort of a wake-up call for both people. I would have called as soon as I heard him abusing her too. You might lose a friend, but she won't lose her life, and she may realize you did the right thing eventually.

Originally Posted by Yosemite

If you start calling police, etc. now, there is nothing they will be able to do anyway without her pressing charges and it will end up with your friendship being dissolved. She may well need your friendship in the near future so try to keep it intact.

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In many states here in the U.S., it is up to law enforcement & the local prosecutor as to whether or not charges are filed. Also, many police & sheriff's departments now do on-site counseling to determine if there is a danger and if arrests/ separations need to be made. PLEASE CALL! If your friend's house was on fire, wouldn't you call the fire department??
Also, contact your local women's crisis center - speak to a counselor. Your friend is being severely ABUSED!! She is incapable of thinking clearly at this time. If you don't feel up to this, call your local United Methodist church and discuss the possiblity of the Timotheans befriending your friend. And tell her that she is not alone; she has rights as an American and as a woman.
She does not need to even consider divorce at this time. She needs to be in a safe place where she can "regroup" and begin to face the many challenges in her life. If she really loves this guy, she can be the first step in both their recoveries. He really needs help; even if your friend gets away, how bout the next woman in her life (and any kids that might enter his life).

Hang in there! It is so much easier to tell your friend, "You already know how I feel, so call me whenever you're ready to do something about this" and walk away.....so many people do....ask any dog or cat at the shelter who has heard the sound of their once-families' footsteps fading away.....

In some states the abuser can be prosecuted even without the abusee's consent. I have no idea if it is the case in your state, but it is worth looking into. As an abuse survivor myself I can honestly say that it may be better to just be her friend and lay off talking about the abuse. Her husband his horrible and evil, but she probably isn't going to leave him anytime soon. If she feels safe enough with you to vent now and again just leave it at that. She may get the courage to leave him eventually, and she'll need you then. I have also found that not offending the abuser helps. I had a friend who was abused and I always tried to be a little nice to her boyfriend, he ended up trusting me and let her see me. Eventually she left him.

I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and find another friend or a counselor to vent to yourself.

If I had been you, I would have just not called the husband and just called the police, and let them arrive to a domestic violence dispute. Unfortunately if she decided not to press charges it wouldn't have gotten anywhere.

It's a dangerous situation that your friend is, especially since he has gotten violence. I can tell you that she can file for divorce (esp if he's gotten violent) under the grounds of 'gross neglect of duty' , that's what I filed under).

Still let her know that you support her 100%, do what you can, but unfortunately and I know this, it's up to her. Entirely and completely. And you can't force her to leave, because if it's forced, sadly, she'll probably just go right back.

Originally Posted by Lorie D.

I agree completely. You should have called 911 as soon as the phone went dead. It's very kind of you to offer to let your friend stay with you, but if her husband found out where your friend was and became enraged, you would both be in danger. This is just my opinion, but I think you friend needs to go to a women's shelter. She would be completely safe there, and the workers would be able to give her a lot of support and help her get a restraining order, press charges, and etc.

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Yes, because you seem to be her good friend, if she came to stay with you, he would come to your house first. From the sounds of this guy, I would protect your self from him while helping your friend.

Originally Posted by esrgirl

In some states the abuser can be prosecuted even without the abusee's consent. I have no idea if it is the case in your state, but it is worth looking into. As an abuse survivor myself I can honestly say that it may be better to just be her friend and lay off talking about the abuse. Her husband his horrible and evil, but she probably isn't going to leave him anytime soon. If she feels safe enough with you to vent now and again just leave it at that. She may get the courage to leave him eventually, and she'll need you then. I have also found that not offending the abuser helps. I had a friend who was abused and I always tried to be a little nice to her boyfriend, he ended up trusting me and let her see me. Eventually she left him.

I know it's hard, but sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and find another friend or a counselor to vent to yourself.

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I have to agree here. I DO know that in most states now that the abuser and can be prosecuted without the consent of the abusee. My cousin was in a severly abusive relationship and she refused to press charges but the cops put him away anyways.

Just be her friend. She needs the shoulder to cry on and the support of her friends. Good luck!

Well I have an update.

I was kind of short with my friend the other day. Letting her know I was just a little bit pee'd at her. She finally came up to me at the end of opur shift on Friday and told me, I know your upset with me, but pleade don't hate me.

I responded and told her that I was more frustrated than anything with her because she KNEW that she deserved better than that. I told her that she knows she shouldn't have to live in that sort of situation but no matter what, I still loved her! She smiled and said she would call me tomorrow. (This was on Friday)

So YESTERDAY she calls me and is totally depressed. She left me a voicemail so I returned her call. She told me she knew I was right that she deserved better and didn't deserve to be mistreated. She told me that when he is around she isn't depressed but when he leaves she thinks about it and gets really depressed. And she told me that on her way to work Friday she was contemplating hitting an on comming car so she just didn't have to deal with things anymore. Needless to say I gave her a big lecture and told her next time that I EVER heard anything happen again I was calling the cops and I didn't care if she or her husband got mad at me for it. Well she told her husband what I said and he told her I needed to stay out of it and it was none of my business.

So I'm kind of getting through to her. Thanks for all the vibes, and words of wisdom.. but now I wonder if I've taken all the right steps. I believe I have, can anything think of anything I've missed?

Thank you all so much!

Stop threatening to call the police and do it.

You have personally witnessed over the phone now, both an assault on her and a threat of suicide. If someone tells you they have thought about commiting suicide, and has told you how they are going to do it, then you need to take them very very seriously. Because you do not want to learn the hard way that that is a serious cry for desperately needed help, and if no help is given then the worst can and does sometimes happen. If that were my friend, they would be in a psych ward talking to a social worker and a police officer. By telling you she wants to kill herself, she's basically asking you to stop her. And sometimes you have to stop people in ways they don't necessarily like.

You have to call the police as soon as possible. The only way we found out my SIL was being abused is when her husband hit her in the drive way and a guy from the road construction crew call the cops. You may be the ONLY person who knows itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s as bad as it is.

Speaking from personal experience it's very hard to leave a situation like your friend is in. On the one hand you know that you deserve better and you want to leave, but on the other hand you do love this person and often you don't know how to leave. I was scared for myself, my friends, and my family, because my ex would often threaten physical violence against them if I tried to leave. I really didn't know what to do to get away. I too thought perhaps that suicide was my only way out. I think your friend is desperate and she is asking you to help her. If it wasn't for my good friend Michelle I never would have gotten out of that situation and got back Maine safely with my family. I know it's frustrating for you, but you are doing a good thing sticking by your friend, and please call the police or a domestic violence group for your friend. She is looking for a way out.

I agree with the past 3 posts. She's in the middle of everything and doesn't know how to get herself out without harming herself. This not the best situation for your friend. This is her way of asking for help. I take it you really don't want to get yourself too involved since you keep threatening to tcall the police but you haven't yet. It's too late, you're already involved and the only way to save your friend is to take authority.

If your state requires the victim to acuse her husband, then talk to her and calmly tell her that you two need to go down to the police station and talk with a police. Tell her they're the only ones that can protect her from this guy. If they don't arrest her husband or cannot keep him longer than overnight before prosecuting, then call an womans abuse shelter. Be with her the whole time so she knows that you are there for her.