Worried for A Friend.

So a close friend of mine R, has just gotten married to S, also a friend and one time co worker, back in march. R who is 17 and dropped out of highschool married S who was 18 and was kicked out of school for formulating a terrorist plot to take over our school we attended. (The FBI was even called into our small town to investigate!) Anyways, they came over on the 4th to hang out and just have fun. Well R and I were dying my hair back to my original blonde color and needed to go to walmart for more dye. On our drive there, she told me about a fall out they had the other night over something rediculous. She wanted to separated from him for a while to think things over. She told him this and decided she didn't want to speak to him. He picked her up out of the bed, threw her outside their apartment and then let her back in. He then slammed his head into their metal door frame and dented the door in. He ALSO proceeded to slam her head into the dorr denting it even more. From there he continued to fight with her untill he finally sprayed some cologne on his body then (here is the kicker) set himself on fire.

She told me in the car on the drive there he made the comment that if she ever left him he would track her down and kill her. He admits he needs help but doesn't seek it and she's actually "scared" into staying with him. She told me she loves him but she doesn't stay with him because she loves him, she stays because she is scared. I'm very worried for her and she is talking about wanting to be with other men. I believe they got married too soon, and were just acting on puppy love more so than the real deal. I'm afraid for her safety and all the advice I've given her (leave and get a restraining order, talk to someone, stay with family) she's rejected or said that the advice given wouldn't work.

What can I do/say to help her out? Any advice would be apppreciated.

She is in a typical domestic abuse situation. I did a search and came up with the following link for Indiana resouces: http://www.womenslaw.org/IN/IN_links.htm. She needs to prepare for leaving him because the situation isn't going to get better. There is also a good link here about getting out http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dom...olence/WO00044. You can give her support and information as well as keep contact with her; keep him from isolating her. Passed that, she will have to be the one to do something.

I think you've said everything you could..Sometimes people have to make the decision to get help on their own or they won't get help at all. You're being a wonderful friend being so worried about her and giving her advice. I hope your friend clues in that this guys is a jerk, and that she can definately get help and involve the cops if she needs to.

Thios guy is obviously mentally ill and very dangerous. I know, I had one just like him. Mine slit his wrists and sprayed blood all over the place. They do not get better without help, and maybe not even then. I was fortunate that the police in my town allowed me to commit him to a mental institution, and I ended up having to put him in the position of being arrested and doing a few months in jail to get rid of him. He still tried to kill me twice after that, as well as the man I left him for. I have a permanent scar down the side of my mouth that reminds me very time I look in the mirror how stupidly I handled things at first. 22 years later I still fell sick to my stomach at the very thought of ever running in to him again. I cannot bear the thought of ever living in my beautiful hometown again. I have gone back for short periods several times, but left again.
You are a wonderful friend to be concerned about her, and you should be prepared to take a hard line, tough love stand with her about it. Even though they are young and probably think they are still in love, this is not going to get any better, and she should cut her losses and get out now, scared or not. She will be a lot more scared later as the emotional abuse and violence escalates, and spreads to her family and friends, and it will. If she stays with him and exposes you and others to danger, you must protect yourself, and unfortunately it will be very painful. God forbid she should get pregnant and be bound to him forever by a child, also exposed to a selfish psycho.
You will probably get a lot of good advice from us older women that have been through it, and were lucky enough to live to tell about it. Please print it out and give it to her to read, sit on her and read it out loud to her, anything to make her start thinking, and realizing that fear can be overcome, possessions can be replaced, lives, especially young ones can be started over in a better place.
ABUSE DOES NOT STOP AND DEATH IS FOREVER!!!!!!

Being in an abusive relationship is tough, whether it is physical abuse, emotional abuse or the other type.....and ultimately when it comes down to it, it will have to be her decision to get out of it. And sometimes pushing too hard can only make things worse....(the abuser can sometimes twist that into fodder for his own fire and maker her think her friends are out to get her, solidifying his control over her).....

But stick with her, it's going to be tough but she is going to need you.

If she realizes that her situation is bad. Offer her shelter or help her find one. Let her talk to you, offer up your ear and your heart to her. Sometimes it's hard to be in a situation like that because the person that is abusing you makes you feel like you have no where to go and no one to turn to and that if you leave you will forever be alone because no one else will ever want you. They are so good at using a person's personal weaknesses and turning those weaknesses into weapons to use against them.

IMO people that feel the need to do this to others are in some form or fashion mentally ill themselves and must create that misery they feel in order to feel better about themselves...it is no excuse.

If your friend shows interest in breaking the cycle, assure her first and foremost that she is not alone, that she is not weak but instead she is a survivor, many women don't make it out of these type of situations alive.

Give her whatever help she needs, and now I fear I have gone so far off topic that I don't remember what the original question was.

She needs her friend right now and I'm so glad that you are worried about her, so many people would just look the other way. You can help her to help herself.

I agree with ButterflyDream. Getting out can be very dangerous; your friend is right about that!!She does need to plan her escape, very carefully, although another episode like the last one may mean she needs to just RUN! You could help her out by investigating options for her yourself. Talk to the women's crisis center, but also talk to the local Victim/Witness advocate of your local prosecutor's (District Attorney, City Attorney, County Counsel,etc) office.
I have helped women in crisis before & sometimes the women's crisis centers will be staffed with those who have various attitudes, not all will be helpful to your friend. Yes, there are those women who need to be pushed to leave; there are those who have mates who WILL compllicate things.
You could also try checking out websites such as NIMH and search subjects such as Narcisstic Personality Disorder.
Far too often, one will read of the guy who lleaves his wife, remarries a younger cutie & when the ex-wife tries to move on wtih her life, kills her even though he didn't want her. It doesn't make sense to a sane person, but happens just the same.
Please keep us posted on what happens with your friend. Meanwhile, I'm sending {{{protection prayers & vibes}}} to cover you both & also for her husband, who obviously is very mentally ill

Thanks everyone for the great advice. I'm going to let her read this thread. Hopefully she won't get mad that I'm cluing everyone in to her "business" but maybe she will stop and think.

The update, unfortunately, is that they are wanting to move to North Carolina and he wants to join the guard. I kind of think she is hoping he will be killed in action or something so she will have a way out. I'm afraid if she does leave I will loose all contact with her. She has notified family members of what he has done and they are just mad but I don't think they encouage her to leave. I couldn't ever imagine having to stay in a relationship because I'm scared of my other half. It reminds me how fortunate I am to have a good man.

Thanks for all the advice, words of wisdom, and compliments. I'll keep everyone updated.

If you don't mind me asking, where in NC are they considering moving to? The military is very strict about spousal abuse, at least here. I live in a military town in NC, tht iswhy I ask.

Originally Posted by krazy kat2

If you don't mind me asking, where in NC are they considering moving to? The military is very strict about spousal abuse, at least here. I live in a military town in NC, tht iswhy I ask.

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The military isn't as strict on guardsmen, I speak from experiance. My ex was ANG when I was married to him and is AD Army now and he has never been prosecuted for what he did to me and more importantly what he did to our daughter even though he admitted doing it.

Maybe I'm crazy, but perhaps this national guard idea can be a good thing?

I can't help but think that NG would take him away from her for, what is it, one weekend a month and two weeks a year? Something like that? And don't they still have to do some sort of boot camp in the begining?

If that's true, all I can think is it would be a perfect time for her to get the heck out. Like set something up with a shelter or one of the "underground railroad" type of escape groups, and then when he goes off to do his one weekend, she can get the heck out of there before the guy even knows whats happening. She could hop on a plane the instant he leaves and be on the other side of the country before he even came back.

But then, maybe I'm just trying to be an idealist here. I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it also seems like it would give her some lead time to get the heck out before he even knew it was happening.

I'm not really sure where in NC.

Muttie I agree that it would be a good time to get out. I'm going to try to talk to her some more and let her read this thread!

You guys are ALL amazing!