Children: Be Honest - Page 4

Speaking about infertility problems out of the blue like that is really rude, too. I know some women who have issues and it's really heartbreaking...that's not just something you bring up.

These are the people who have forgotten or never known that the marriage comes first, whether you have kids or not! Who WANTS to put their kids through a divorce, or set them up for one because they didn't have a good example of how a relationship should work! And didn't THEY enjoy the years of when it was just them? Life changes, and you should enjoy whatever stage you're in, but you've got to have a good relationship first, either way way you choose.

That and the really fun one when you're having fertility problems- "When's the baby due?'' Um no baby, just a fat, bloated gut because it's "that time of the month" which means no baby this time, either, but thanks for pointing out how fat I look in this outfit today. Of course, fortunately, most people who ask could just die where they're standing when I would say "I'm not pregnant" and I could keep all the rest of that to myself. I don't mind it now that I have a child (I never had a flat tummy to start with, and like having her better than I would having clothes that fit right ).

I Agree with most of the comments on this thread - I am another person who doesnt want kids, and gets fed up of either being asked why, or being told that I am only young and will change my mind when I get older. dont see why i should though - I spent my teenage years having to come straight home and babysit, and having to arrange seeing friends around babysitting, so been there, done that and no inclination of doing it again. I might start with the 'can't' theory though. I am guilty of asking people why they dont want kids, which is bizarre as it is something I dont want!! Luckily for me, my mum doesn't want to be a grandma anytime soon, so she is pleased that I dont want any kids. She thinks I am too into my cats for kids, and while it took her nearly 4 years, she did finally admit she was glad I chose cats not kids.

i went from being sure i didn't want kids, to falling in love and deciding i did want them...and then something happened i won't go into. if i ever was going to have akid, it would have been then..but it didn't work out. now, i'm 34, and pretty sure i never want to give birth.

ive never been one of those ppl who goes crazy for babies. i mean dont get me wrong, i like my friends kids, and my relatives kids, and have babysat for them..but when a neighbor or aquaintence has a child its always "oh you've got to come see the BABY!" and its just..i have no interest whatsoever in that. when i am dragged along, i walk in the nursery, look in the bassinet-oh, a baby. just like any other baby. i say the requisite "he/she is beautiful" and get the heck out of there.

babies are not for me.

what i have thought about, is adopting an older child, someone in the age range of 9-14. someone who's lived in bad homes or foster care all their life..someone who thinks that no one cares, and life is crap, and that people are basically bad. i'd like to take he or she home and show them that people are good. give them love, and attention, and direction, change their life, help them grow up well adjusted and happy. i'd really love to do that, and i may some day..probably not til im' in my 40's.

i dont understand why some people pressure you to have kids if you dont want them. i cant think of much worse than someone having kids cos they feel its expected-what kind of life would that child have? it was made perfectly clear to me everday of my childhood by my stepfather that he wished i wasn't around, and i can't imagine inflicting that on a child..which is why i would never have a child unless i was positive i wanted one...and i was only positive once, a long time ago, and it didn't work out. so i just don't think its meant to be-for me to give birth that is.

i really would like to adopt an older child (or two) someday tho. i'd like to make a difference in a childs life, help them turn their life around and be happy. i think thats just as valuable to society as giving birth.

Arcadian Girl,

I think that is completely admirable and selfless of you and I wish more people thought that way. Just like cats, there are way too many unwanted children out there that need good loving homes, and they aren't all babies.

I Love Siamese will see this as a judgement - and I'm perfectly okay with that - but IMO we should be spaying and nuetering a lot of PEOPLE. Can we do TNR with stupid people?

Ahhh, just a thought...

I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't be for the best too, Gingersmom!

And yes, I have often thought that the perfect time in life to adopt an older child would be in my late 30s or early 40s... my loans would be paid off, I will have a lot more wisdom (Ha!!), and hopefully by then I will have gotten all the traveling I want to do out of my system. However, I have seen a lot of people do that and it's heartbreaking... a 14 year old isn't necessarily young enough to convince that they are worth something. Those kids have stunted development emotionally, but in a lot of ways, they are also very adult and set in their way of viewing the world. I just wouldn't do it with the intention of changing them... I think I would just try to give them opportunity to make something of themselves if they wanted to, and then go from there.

hahaha...i love that idea Honestly it's pretty strange when you think about it - you need a license to own a car, but anyone can have a baby. i had friends when i was a teenager who did what someone in this thread (i forget who, sorry) mentioned - had a baby because they didn't know what else to do with their life. sometimes they were happy, but sometimes they resented the kid, when the newness wore off, and they wanted to go out with those of us who didn't have kids, but had no babysitter.

Godiva-i know what you mean, about it not being easy to change someone in their teens... i wouldn't want to change them per se, just help them live a happier life, and not go down a self-destructive path. it breaks my heart knowing (and i do KNOW) how many kids grow up in abusive homes - i know what it does to you, the most lasting effects being a. you dont see yourself as worth anything, and b. you dont see anyone else as being worth anything either-cos hey, the two peple who were supposed to take care of you, hurt you instead. what kind of view of the world does that give a person? what kind of view of other people? no wonder some abused children grow up sociopaths. how do you have empathy for others if no ones ever given it to you? meh..i could go on about it...sometimes the evil in this world really bothers me. i can understand all kinds of justifications people might have for hurting another adult, but how in the world can someone hurt a child?

So true. The only answer I come up with is that the parents must some major issues themselves... I doubt they WANT to do it.

To have children or not to have children is a very personal decision. And it really burns me up when people feel the need to ask about it. As if you feel like explaining it to them. As if it's really any of their business. And for alot of people, having kids/not having kids is an emotional issue. One you may not feel like discussing at the dinner table at x-mas with Aunt Mary, or to the old neighbor you ran into in line at the grocery store. I just feel like it's a private issue, a part of your sex life, and nothing you feel like talking about with anyone other than your closest friend and your spouse.

That's exactly how I am with kids of all ages. Whenever people say "Come see my kid's photos, he looks so cute!" or something similar I walk over out of politeness, look at the photos and feel....absolutely nothing. I try not to make my stock "That's cute" comment sound too monotone for the parent's sake and go back to whatever I was doing.

You know, one really good response to people who ask personal questions is: Why do you ask?

That usually stops them cold because what are they going to say, "I'm nosy". And even if they did say that you could just laugh and say something like "Yes, I see that" and let it go at that.

i like that response!

Wait a second...you're two years younger than me! Sorry if this sounds rude, but that makes it a bit odd that you told me that I'm too young to know if I want children. (Not a jab of any kind, just an observation I found funny)

Yea, but when I first read that you didn't want children I was wrapping my mind around the possiblility that you don't want children for the simple fact that you don't like them.

I don't think I meant it like that. I think I said something to the effect of you're still young and you never know what the future holds.

I only have my one son. I am waiting until I am done university and then I may or may not have more children biologically and I am considering adoption or being a foster parent.

BTW, I have to disagree with you on the preparation. I know I was a better mom than most because I took the time to prepare for having my son. I took classes and got educated and that is more than most do.

I was already on my own taking care of myself for over a year before I had my son and I'd been taking care of other peoples children FULL TIME since I was 12. So I definately didn't have that child like quality that most 16 year olds have.

It seems that the first thing people think when told that someone does not want a child is that the person hates children (which is a pretty big judgement, by the way). Why?

I didn't say hate them, I said don't like them and that is a huge difference and you have said you have no connection with them and you are indifferent to children or am I mistaking things?

This thread has been edited to remove many remarks of a personal nature. We would like to ask members to please stay away from personal judgments on this very very delicate subject, and to keep the discussion more analytical in nature.

There's a difference between indifference and dislike. There is also a difference between disliking someone and feeling no connection with them.

Very well put.

I think either decision is okay as long as it's made for the right reasons. And while I have my personal opinions on what are "right" and "wrong" reasons to have or not have kids, I certainly would never ask someone why they made the decision they made. It's none of my business.

I have to admit that I do have a very big issue with the use of assisted reproductive technology such as IVF. It breaks my heart to know that rich people are spending gazillions of dollars to have biological children while literally millions of babies and kids are rotting in orphanages and in the foster care system. It's just something that I cannot condone. I don't view having biological children as a selfish decision at all, but to me using ART specifically is selfish.

I do hope to have kids someday, because I love kids and I want to be a mother. But I'm single and definitely in no hurry to have kids right now. I'd like to have at least one biological child and at least one adopted child, ideally.

One thing I have to say, after reading this...

To anyone who thinks that the people in this thread are being unfair to kids and/or parents, consider this: This IS how we see children, right or wrong that's our perception. And this is also the reason why we know that we are making the right decision NOT TO HAVE KIDS! Seriously - would you want us to be parents???? LOL

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting children. I never had kids and I never will. Please don't let anyone ever pressure you into having children. If this was something you wanted, you would know it

When I hear people say they dislike kids, I think they have probably just been around brats too much! I think there are probably plenty of people who like kids just fine, but just don't want to have their own.

As for getting excited about pics of other people's kids...unless they are my good friends or family, I really don't care much for looking at other people's kids, either. I don't think there is anything odd about that. (Especially when some people want to show 100 pics....ugh!)

As for someone saying to the op "I don't see why you even got married." and "Well you just took a guy that can help make babies off the market." I think they are just rude! Maybe you could say I got married because I was in love, not to reproduce. As for taking him off the market, ask if it would help even things out if he was a sperm donor?!? As for the comment "Oh, well that's a great choice for you, now you can see the world, and I have to go to after school plays." That person should not have kids. You don't have to go to your kid's activities, you go to see them blossom and grow!

This has been an interesting topic to follow.

I absolutely agree.

I, however, worry about the trend of women who don't want children in their 20s and 30s but change their minds suddenly in their 40s when they are finally ready.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but as a geneticist I think this is so very slightly irresponsible.

If people want to delay childbearing they can always adopt a kid from the Foster Care system. After seeing pictures of possibly distorted eggs of 45 year women I am quite concerned about chromosomal abnormalities.

There are hundreds of thousands of children in the Foster homes. I can only wish all of them find good homes.

There are enough unwanted children to balance it out. Certainly you shouldn't have them if you don't want them. My advice, tell people to mind their own business. It is a personal decision. In my relationship now, he had a son and I had a daughter from first marriages. We made the decision not to have any together. I was a wreck emotionally and was not ready to have anymore children. Now we both are sorry we didn't have any together. But I know that would not be the case for everyone. The important thing is be sure you are on the same page with the one you love and are sharing your life with. As long as you are in agreement, then what others think is not even worth worrying about.

I want kids and I can totally understand why other people don't. I have asked one person why they didn't, and it was my brother-in-law. So it was okay to ask such a personal question, as we know each other very well (lived together, with my sister of course). He was not offended (and has since changed his mind), but I wouldn't ask anybody I didn't know very well unless they volunteered info and I was asking clarifying questions in a discussion that they started on the subject. And I wouldn't dream of passing judgement. Either way it isn't wrong.

My mom had me when she was 40. Why is that wrong? Yes, there is more risk of having a baby with genetic deformities, but she never smoked and hardly drinks. Someone in their twenties who parties really hard has just as much risk of problems.

Went to see a movie the other night, and someone had broughten their toddler (this was NOT an afternoon showing, or a children's movie) and was acting like it was their own living room, yelling about how the kid was to go sit in time-out, wandering up and down the stairs, the kid was screaming and crying. I mean really, I see things like that that I know I will never do and it's easy to see why some people don't particularly enjoy children. IMO, when you see things like that it's the parents fault. You don't bring a toddler to a 9:00 movie on a Saturday night.

Agreed. I've seen women go to see horror movies with a baby clutched to their chest and two toddlers in tow who spend half the movie futily shushing their screaming, crying, scared children. It's a 10:30 pm showing. What happened to bedtime? And also, what happened to babysitters? BloodnGoreFest2000 is no place for a group of 3-years-old and younger children.

I also wish that more people would teach their older kids manners and respect. I went to see Star Wars 3 TWICE. Both times, a gaggle of 13 or so year old children was sitting behind me babbling about things that happened at school loudly enough to interrupt most of the movie.

"Please be quiet, we're trying to watch the movie" did nothing at all the first time, and I got a long synopsis of the amount of homework Mrs. Johnson gives them and all of the cute girls in their class, and that weird kid..., punctuated by one of them repeatedly kicking my chair .

The second group of kids got sick of us telling them to keep it down and moved halfway through the movie. Both times cost about $10-12 each and I only really saw the whole thing when we got the DVD.

I saw almost all of Pirates of the Caribbean II. We went there to celebrate hubby's sister's birthday. At around the end of the movie there was a gang fight. Two groups of girls started at each other. Knives were drawn.

I got out as soon as possible so I didn't get to see the ending.

Luckily the movie theater refunded our money.

This did not happen in College Station. College Station is a nice town. This happened in Dallas.

Girls seem more violent everyday. Boys are actually improving.