Children: Be Honest

I had kids because I always wanted to have kids....I think either way it's a personal decision that someone makes with their partner.....and if someone decides to have kids or not to have kids, other people should stay out of the person's business.

Honest to Goodness sweetie, if you don't want to have kids....I can understand your decision. There are days that I do wish that I didn't have kids, but on the other side of that I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world if that makes sense to anyone.

I hope people start to leave you alone soon with regards to this.

I honestly don't think it should matter to anyone else why your not having children. This is a big decision that shouldn't be decided for you by other people laying guilt trips on you, thats not fair. Its your life, live it how YOU want to!

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have children!

John & I don't have children at the moment - we're too young. I don't want to bring another life into this world that I couldn't properly care for. Of course there would be tons of love and caring for - but money wise, we aren't ready. Give me cats!

We want to have children, but not until we are married, have a house and are totally stable in good paying jobs.

I simply don't want children, and never have (neither does bf). I get the same reactions that you have gotten (I've heard "DON'T WANT KIDS?!?!?! MY KIDS ARE MY LIFE!!!!!" way more times than I'd care to count). I'm pretty much tired of listening to it, so now I just change the subject when asked if I want children to avoid huge lectures from strangers.

I don't understand why people criticize people who don't have children, why should they care? Its your life - not theirs!!
I'm sure you don't criticize their life decisions, so they shouldn't do that to you. I just don't think its fair!

I still haven't made a firm decision about whether or not I want children. In part because I am single right now, and a full-time student... so if I do have kids, it certainly wont be soon.

I know however that I do not want the "normal" settled suburban life. I NEVER want to live in the suburbs, I want to put off owning a car for as long as possible and I want to travel and see the world (and not to strictly touristic destinations). I also want to keep living in large cities and finish my studies. The main issue I have with kids is that I'm not sure if having kids will be compatible with the life I want. I would love to have kids, but I have the fear that once I have kids, I might end up trapped in a kind of life that I don't want. Hopefully I can make it all work. So far I see no reason why it absolutely couldn't work.

But it's true that people have a tendency to have a fixed idea of what a "good" life is. i.e. a good and stable 9 to 5 job, a house in the suburbs, two cars, married, with kids (usually 1-3 kids), a BBQ and a white-picket fence.
Anyone who diverts from that lifestyle is seen as "weird" and needs to constantly explain WHY. Honestly, I'd like to see all those average suburban families justify to me what is so appealing about their way of life! (other than the "everybody does it" answer)

With me, it's not just not wanting to give birth. I also don't want any of what comes afterwards.

You have to do what is right in YOUR relationship. When you go against the norm of society you will get people who are very arrogant and pushy on their belief that you should also follow the norm.

I chose a long time ago not to have children. Everyone said when I found 'the one' I would have children. Well guess what? After 10 years with Rob I still do not have the urge to have children. It's just not me. When this topic has come up in conversation in the past I have been called unnatural, greedy, selfish....etc. People can get pretty emotional and intrude very fast on your privacy when this topic comes up.

Whether you decide to have children or you do not decide to have children is a very personal and private decision. No one other than your spouse has any reason to question you on this decision. You have to do what is right in YOUR relationship. But, when you go against the norm of society you will get some people who are very arrogant and pushy on their belief that you should NOT have a choice in this matter.

Today, when people start an argument with me over this, I ask them to respect MY decision and leave it at that. Since I'm in my mid-30's this question is coming up more than ever. I've learned pretty fast over the years to nip this conversation at the start.

Here's a long thread with quite a few opinions that was posted in the lounge previously. Thought you might be interested. Click Here

I don't think it is fair either, and I am sure that if I criticized their life's decisions, they'd be more than angry. People are odd.

I was channel surfing a few months ago and actually found a debate on being childless. This old man actually had the nerve to say that people aren't adults until they have kids and actually went as far as to say that everyone OWES society children! Oh suure, I'll get right on creating a child because I owe it to everyone.

I noticed that too. My good friend at school turned 36 this year and a lot of people at school consitantly are asking are you and your Dh going to have kids and when or why not. She is on the fence but her Dh does not want kids at all.

I feel bad because at first I was part of that, but I don't do it any longer. I only talk about it if she brings it up.

I think the reason I don't understand is because there is so much joy in having children (as well as headaches ) and sometimes I think how can people want to miss out on this stuff, but you know that is in my mind.

I have people that pester me as to why I've decided that two kids is enough for me, they say things like don't you think you might change your mind ect ect ect...

And I tell them very shortly this is the number of kids I want to have, not to mention I have one of each and even if I didn't I'd be done still.

Cause Post Partum depression is really bad for me.

So I can't handle another wee one.

But the decision to have kids is like I said a personal one, between two partners.....and no one else's business. (or not to have kids)

I don't want children. They are OK, as long as they are someone else's responsibility. I don't really want to spend my days entertaining and running after children. As a teenager, I wouldn't even take baysitting jobs, because I just don't like to entertain children. Maybe it's selfish on my part, but I think it would be even more selfish to have children and ignore them. I might be more prone to having children, if it were the man who got pregnant, gave birth, and then was the primary caregiver while I went out to work, but I'd probably still want them purt to bed shortly after I got home from work. I am just not mother material.

Actually, with Simba it's almost like having a two year old child, anyway. He's a little terror.

Some people know very early on that they want kids. I know I do. In about ten years.Some people don't. Maybe the people who feel the need to judge you are the ones who had kids because they didn't know what else to do (I know one person like this, who didn't know what she wanted from life so she had a kid so she'd feel like she had some direction, which is just so ridiculously selfish and is asking your kid to be your parent). Or maybe they are just stuck in the archaic idea that you have to have kids or you're not a complete woman or something.

Don't let it bother you. Maybe the people who have to freak out on you for it just have to be judgemental about everything and their kids are what they use to make them feel superior somehow. We all know one of those moms, who when anyone says anything about their kid they have to be like "yea well my kid does ___ better than yours"

You are you, the two of you are together, and you're happy. That's more than alot of people get at all.

I'd probably respond with something like "Oh, I would, but they'd be half alien" or "I eat my young" if people kept nosing into my business. Stuff like that shuts people up quick.

I never ever wanted kids. Dead set against having them and Chris knew this when we first met. Everyone told me that I would change my mind etc etc... and although I said I wouldnt, I did.

This was not from 'meeting the one'. Chris and I had been together 8 years before I changed my mind and it came as a complete shock to him.

What changed my mind was watching my BF go through pregnancy, then being there for the birth, then being named godmother, then watching this girl grow up over the past 4 years. My BF is a single mother so I am a big prescence in her girls life. I have no doubt in my mind that it was this little girl that changed my mind.

Having Jasmine was the best decision I have ever done in my life. Its most certainly my greatest achievement.

Having said all that, I have friends who dont want children and I totally respect that. I was in that position once and one must do what they think is right. I have to admit I have asked them their reasons behind it, but these are good friends of mine and I have never and will never hassle them about it

With my son I got p.g at 16, and of course didnt believe in abortion, so I had him. I will be quite honest though, if I didnt have my mom and dad to help me, I would have never made it.(his dad was and still is a low life-thats a new story) With my daughter, she was kinda a unplanned baby as well....but thats ok, I love her more than anything(well love the both of them) I do sometimes wish I would of waited, but then again, I would not ever trade them for the world. They are my life! My sister is going to be 33 this month, and she has no kids and has no plans on wanting any. She gets asked all the time "why not" and she just simply says "because" thats why! LOL! She just doesnt want any of her own. Her hubby has 2 sons that they are now rasing, because their mom chose drugs over them..and she has had to do alot of adjustments with that.

Your thoughts echo mine exactly!

I never babysat for money when I was younger, at a time when it seemed babysitting was the only money-making option available to me. As the oldest, I broke up many a fight between my younger siblings, and I feel that was all the “childrearing†I could stand. I still feel uncomfortable around children, and I automatically smile and fake coo at them, since I know that the doting parents of these children will take my general dislike of children personally if I don't.

Another one who does not want kids, and neither does my husband. Worked out well. We're both in our 30s and the thought of having kids is just not even within the realm of possibilities.

I see far too many "selfish" parents out there who have no buisiness at all having the kids they do have. They leave them alone, they don't discipline them at all, they aren't BEING parents. Why should people rag on me for choosing not to bring a child into the world rather than on those who never should have in the first place? Really - what's more selfish: knowing that you don't want kids and taking steps to prevent that or having kids and then not being anywhere near a responsible parent?

I cant handle kids for more than an afternoon//// I am single , that dont look like it will change soon/// I have both mental and physical issues that I dont want to put a kid thru/// AND I have "kids" two lovely daughters that will stay about 18 months there whole lives and my fish ...

I had my oldest son at 18 (9 days before my 19th birthday... Best present ever!).. And my youngest son just before my 23rd bday. I will be the first to say that when I was younger I was the girl in class who said "I'm NEVER having kids". In fact I didnt have that maternal instinct...I was a tomboy There are still times in my life when I have depression that I think I am not the motherly type. I would rather teach them to play with bugs and play video games then tell them "no you'll get dirty or TV rots your brains" Im also a realistic mom. I know that there is a possibility that by the time my boys are 16 they might make me a grandmother... thats just the way the world is now. I also know they wont stay "pure" till they're married and they'll try drugs.. and drinking and staying out all night. These are things kids do wether you educate them on it or not.
I am not one of those mothers who thinks thier child is perfect... by no means. They DO start fights at school (not constantly ) they're not innocent. I dont encourage this behavour but I am going to expect it... kinda like "Hope for the best but expect the worst"...

I can definatly see where someone could make the decision to not have children. I respect that. They are alot of responsibility. No more going out for a quiet dinner. No staying up late cuz the kids get up early. Life as you know it before a baby is GONE. Its a total change and yes, I miss it. When my husband and I play hooky from work we will take the kids to school/daycare to have a little time for ourselves. We go to the mall (which we wouldnt DREAM of with the boys) we go shopping, have lunch and actually take a nap w/o the struggle of having to put a kid down for a nap... and we enjoy our times like this. It's SOOOOO worth missing work when we're stressed out from the hassles of children. As much as they make me want to pull my hair out (or hire an in-home nanny ) when they look at me and say "I love you mommy" as one of them falls asleep in my lap, it's worth every moment


(sorry I tend to ramble on sometimes )

We have the opposite problem. We want to have as many children as we can possibly afford. We want to homeschool our children and it is always better for them to have each other.

Oh my friends tell me Im gonna end up w/5 kids or something because I keep saying I don't won't kids. And my mom keeps telling me Im denying her grandkids. I just don't see kids in the picture. There's enough people in the world as, why add to the population? Now puppies and kitties? Im all up for that.

There are so many people these days whose children come before EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY (including their spouses and the law and common decency ), that they can't comprehend why or how you can live without them. If you don't want to have kids, and you have made a well thought out decision with your spouse,( bf, whatever), and you both know within your heart of hearts, then good for you. And don't worry about them who question you- the people who matter already know why. And if you find yourself in the position of becoming pregnant and still don't have that maternal instinct- there are so many people out there with no babies and lots of desire to be good parents. I think it is a good thing that you know yourself that well, and I don't think it is selfish not to try to raise them to appease the "norm" if you don't want them. Just tell the questioners "no". And when they ask "why not?", just smile sweetly and and say "no'' again. If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em.

We had the opposite problem with questions- I have Cystic Fibrosis, and we tried for 11 years to have a baby (she's 2 1/2 now ). I found out the other day that my sister thought we weren't going to have children,and changed our minds ! We even had a high risk pregnancy Dr. tell me in a consultation that if we did testing and found out our child had CF too, we could abort, and when I told her no, we already made that decision, we would have our child, she told me we could decide that when we got there- basicly, dismissing our decision (if that was how we felt, we wouldn't have kids or would adopt) and looking at me and telling me that my life was disposible and couldn't possibly have been worth living -why would I want to have a child like me with a life like mine? ) Didn't go back to her again , I love my life and being alive , personally!

Now strangers ask if we're going to have more. That's about as bad as aren't you going to have kids . "No. It took us 11 yrs to have this one, and we're tired!"

I love that, No, it took us 11yrs to have this one and we are tired....that's good.

In all honesty......a person's decision of whether or not to have kids and how many to have and how close or far apart to have them is between that person and their S.O.

It's no one else's business and the fact that it's such an issue is ridiculous. I would never prod someone that has chosen not to have kids (I used to work with a woman that has her furbabies and that's it for her and I respect that).

And I think other people should respect other people and so on and so forth.

I think people tend to be a bit narrow minded on this issue. (What's good for me is good for you...) And I, well, I sort of wanted kids, but my hubby didn't. And then I got pregnant with my son. And my hubby said that he was an only child, so it was ok if our son was too. And I got pregnant with my daughter when the son was 3 months old. So much for that, LOL.

You could always just tell people that you "can't". It's even true - you can't because that's just not something that you feel comfortable with!

I never really planned to have any kids, and my daughter was a surprise, not an accident. I adore her, and I have no regrets, but other than her and my granddaughter, I really don't like kids..
Mostly it is the patent's fault for taking them places they do not belong, (such as tattoo shops and hair salons) allowing them to act like wild animals, and expecting everyone to accept it without complaint.
Even though I love my daughter and granddaughter dearly, I have very little maternal instinct. Fortunately my daughter always seemed more like a small adult and my granddaughter mostly smiles and giggles softly. I don't know what I would have done if I had gotten a needy, clingy baby. Probably lost my mind and raised a serial killer. I was truly blessed with her. She turned out to be a lovely, independent young woman and a wonderful mother.

My husband and I are childfree by choice.

I have a variety of well thought out reasons for this, some of which are very personal and are related to various medical issues.

Despite that, I often find myself having to justify my decision, and people will say with a sort of smug, knowing smile "You'll change your mind, you're young" and it just irritates me.

I try to avoid the subject, but sometimes it comes up...and then I try to make light of it by saying that the boys are my small, furry children. Sometimes they laugh at that and let it go, but other times they seem to need to hound me with it. I don't really get it.