TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Stressed........(long)
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Stressed........(long)

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
Ok, as you all know I have 2 boys. 4½yrs(Deacon) 8½yrs (Justice).
Finally the last 4 months Justice has begun to straighten out so no real problems there. But Deacon, has us SO stressed out.
Today we went to the flea market with some friends of my husbands. Deacon was uncontrollable! He wouldn't stay with us, touching everything, and when we would correct him he would have a tantrum. People were staring at us like we were the worst parents in the world! We had his stroller with us and when he wouldn't behave we would make him sit down but withen 2 minutes he was climibing out of it. This was our first outing with his friend and his wife and now we are worried to death that they won't want to socialize with us now because of his behaviour. (they don't have children). We later went to the beach with them and her little sister. Deacon just ran out into the water (shoes and all) and kept wandering out further and further and no matter what I did he wouldn't come back. My husband had to actually come back from the water (they were wade fishing about 30 feet from shore) and pick him up and walk back to shore with him. We made him sit down 4-5 times withen 5 mins because he kept standing up and screaming that he wanted to go back in the water. I explained to him MANY times that if he was not going to listen and behave that he wasn't going to play in the water. I turned to check on Jake who was enjoying the water and no sooner did I turn back Deacon was 10 feet out in the water. I was ANGRY at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't listen to ANYTHING we tell him. Nothing at all! It's so embarrassing that we've gotten to the point that we dread family outings. He thinks he can do anything he wants when he wants.
I don't recall going through this with Justice though. He was defiant but not to the point that he's in danger. I try not to spank him but rather explain to him why we don't want him to do these things or why we DO want him to do these things but its not working. I have spanked him before when he's pushed me to the limit (like running out of the gate into the road when he's been told numerous times not to). He thinks he's invinsible... Does anyone have any suggestions? I talked to his pediatrician about it and she said it was normal for him to be defiant at this age. I mentioned that I had concerns about ADHD and she said he's too early to diagnose.... I am at my wits end with this child. I dread picking him up from daycare at times because I know it's going to be an endless fight to get him in the truck and even worse when we have to go to the store or anywhere for that matter.Sometimes I cry at night because I don't know where we've went wrong with the structure... Please help if you have any ideas or websites, or books....?
post #2 of 26
Have you tried a reward program?? Like for example, put up a big callendar just for him and give him stickers for doing good things and let him put his stickers on the calender. Mark a special day for each week (like say, Saturday) and when Saturday comes, count up his stars for the week and he can get something special. As an example, if he's into money yet, a dime or a quarter for every gold star, and then let him spend his money at the dollar store on whatever he wants. I worked in a preschool for two years, and most of the time, rewarding good behavior works wonders!! Let your older child play along, b/c it will give the younger one incentive to work harder. He won't want big brother to get more stars than him!!

Just a suggestion, as it dosen't work with every child. And with his age, giving him his dimes at bedtime each day and letting him watch them stack up will help him work harder to behave the next day. Did any of that make any sense?? LOL
post #3 of 26
Read Dr. Dobson's book (I think it's by him.)

He has a lot to say about children who take control of situations and not being afraid to discipline and how to deal with situations like what you are discribing. I have to say, spanking a kid doesn't hurt them. I was spanked when I needed it and turned out great. I don't have trauma issues, like so many parents seem to think it causes.

I don't have kids of my own, but I know you have to set limits. Don't tell him many times not to do something, tell him once. If he doesn't listen, he gets a spanking or goes home, the outing or the fun ends... ect. Right now he knows that he just has to sit down for a second and then can get right back up. There are no real consequences for his behavior. Yes, it's embarressing, but once he realizes the drastic consequences of his actions, he should shape up. Right now, he's in control, not you. You have to take the initiative and even if it ruins some family outings, make it so Deacon doesn't have free rein. From what you say, it wouldn't be a big loss anyway, since you are embarressed to go out.

Good luck!
post #4 of 26
Thread Starter 
Yeap, we've tried that. He ran off with the star stickers when I was on the phone one day and stuck them all over Tiger and when he lost all his stars for that day because of it he tore up the chart and got his V-Smile taken away for the night, he snuck in my room around 2am and was the playstation... Almost like "I'll just play yours if you don't let me have mine". We then took the TV away from him and battled until 4 am to get him to stay in bed when finally, it ended up in getting ALL HIS toys taken away and then he got angry and started breaking Justice's stuff... The counsuler said it's normal too. (we have a therapist that comes in once a week for Justice) It may be normal but I can't do this anymore. I'm worn down from him. Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be a mother
post #5 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaleetha
Read Dr. Dobson's book (I think it's by him.)

He has a lot to say about children who take control of situations and not being afraid to discipline and how to deal with situations like what you are discribing. I have to say, spanking a kid doesn't hurt them. I was spanked when I needed it and turned out great.

Good luck!
You mean "Questions Parents Ask"? If so, it's sitting on my coffee table
post #6 of 26
Well, I was the kid you described..........

I am not sure what to say. I now know I am sensitive to noise and some cleaning chemicals (lysol in particular) which can set me off with no reason.
post #7 of 26
A co-worker is going through the same thing with her daughter the same age as Deacon. She has tried evrything, time outs, taking away toys and priveleges, rewards, nothing has worked. We discussed the problem with a social worker and she said the child needed to have a complete physical to rule out any illness or imbalances, and if she was healthy, test her for ADD, ADHA, OCD, and several other things. She said it was not normal acting out or learning assertiveness.
I see my friend going through this with her child, and she is just heartbroken. She is constantly mad at herself, thinking she did something somewhere along the way that caused, even though that is not the case. I wish you the best with Deacon, keep us posted on his progress.
post #8 of 26
As silly as this sounds he could be acting out because of food allergies. My friend had an uncontrollable 5 year old and turned out the little one was allergic to oatmeal that she gave him several times a week. She withdrew oatmeal from his diet and in about two months he was a different kid.
post #9 of 26
My daughter is in the "I don't want to" phase. I have no suggestions other than just be very ohh what's the word....keep things the same all the time...routine.

Make sure that both you and your husband are on the same page with the house rules (we tried the sticker/calender thing with my daughter too, didn't work).

Course she has Asperger's Syndrome, which I have another thread about somewhere....but still....she's brilliant and her psychologist we were seeing once said we had to use 'tough love' and also keep the rules the same everywhere we went and make sure that things were always exactly the same way enforced all the time.

And there is a word I'm looking for but it's 2:30am and I can't think...so go with me and if anyone knows what word I'm looking for with regard to keeping things on the same page, some help would be appreciated.....my head dictionary doesn't work this late at night.
post #10 of 26
My pediatrician recommended 1-2-3 Magic (forget the author's name) and I really liked it. It's been a really long time, like 8 years, but I recall that after you read the book (which you should do first, all the way through), it gives you a way to give them control over their behavior (or at least stopping their unacceptable behavior), so you're not fighting for control. Because that's not cool for the child to think that they can control things rather than you. But what you do is make them accountable for their actions. I thought it worked really well. And you have to follow through, which of course is the hardest part!
post #11 of 26
Ouch i truly feel for you!

I see so many wrestless kids on the streets, it really makes me think twice about having children!
post #12 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thanks Everyone. I know I have lost control over him. My husband and I are going to take a stand over this. This morning when we woke up he was sitting at the end of our bed with a capri sun and a bag of cookies. I was livid! I took the cookies away from him and turned off the tv. I told him he could sit there until my coffee was done and if he got up, he was going to sit there even longer. Well he got up once, and we MADE him sit back down w/o the tv, his drink, toys everything. He just sat there quietly until my coffee was done and we had our morning cigarette (outside of course). When we came back in he was still sitting there and when the dog, Jake, came up to him he said "I can't play Jake, I'm in twouble". He can be a good kid when he wants to be. He's VERY smart. Knows how to spell/write his, his brothers, daddy's, the dogs, and his teacher's name already. I am wondering if it's an issue of him being more acedemically mature then emotionally and pysichally and therefore wants to do more... I can't wait to get him tested in 6 months.
post #13 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by hissy
As silly as this sounds he could be acting out because of food allergies. My friend had an uncontrollable 5 year old and turned out the little one was allergic to oatmeal that she gave him several times a week. She withdrew oatmeal from his diet and in about two months he was a different kid.
Not only do I agree with this, but you may want to try to take cow's milk out of his diet as well. I've seen kids go from monsters to angles with that simple switch.
post #14 of 26
Raising kids is one of the hardest jobs there is out there!

Your son sounds like mine a couple months ago. I've really had to work full time on getting his behaviors under control and it's working thankfully.

A lot of parenting stuff I like is from Dr.Phil. He calls it commando parenting. The tail is wagging the dog so to speak in your house. The number one most important thing when it comes to discipline is to be CONSISTANT. Once you decide how you're going handle things, stick to it at all costs. It will get a lot worse before it gets better because your son is not used to it and he will push you to see if you'll give in like all the other times. Make sure you and you DH agree on everything so that your little boy cannot divide and conquere.

When you take away his stuff, instead of keeping it in your house, do you have a friend who can store it for a couple days or a place where it can be under lock and key?

I guess in my method of dealing with these behaviors, you have to be willing to give up some of the things that make you happy in order to get the desired behavior. Like when you are at the beach, you may just have to leave and take him home or same as the flea market or you might not take him with you when you go to public places because he cannot behave himself. I did this with my son for 1 year and now he is really great when I take him out. It takes a lot of hard work and dedication and it really sucks in the beginning, but if you stick to it, eventually you should be having to do this less and less.

I really wish you luck with this because it is so tough. BTW, if I saw your son having a "meltdown" in a public place, I would never think you were a bad mom. I know how kids get
post #15 of 26
I agree with removing him from public areas when he throws a fit. My mom has told me about how she used to leave full grocery carts in the middle of an aisle because me or my brother suddenly threw a tantrum. She also said that for about a year the nicest place we ate was McDonalds or a park as we just didn't have good 'inside' behaviour yet. She said after a year of that she had some of the best behaved children in public.

I would also get locks for all your cabinents, not childproof locks, he sounds smart enough to figure those out, but actual padlocks that require a key to open, so that food or toys, etc. can be locked up as needed.

And maybe see about a spa day for you! You sound really stressed. Can you find relatives or a baby sitter to watch them overnight so you can pamper yourself and relax for a bit?

~Julia
post #16 of 26
Thread Starter 
Oh I wish I could get a spa for a day. There isnt but one person I trust to babysit and thats my mother. She refuses to watch him! In the last 1yr she has only babsat 2 times. She will pick him up from daycare for me but she's waiting in the driveway at my house by the time I come home.
post #17 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256
You mean "Questions Parents Ask"? If so, it's sitting on my coffee table
I'm pretty sure it's "Dare to Discipline." My Mom swears by it, although she didn't have much trouble with me my little sister was diffuicult to say the least.

I am sorry you're going through this. Hope it ends soon!
post #18 of 26
do you guys use products like perfumes, cologns, scented lotions, scented candles? if so i would get rid of those and see if he calms down. my sister was the exact some way and we realized that my grandma wore perfume alot and she used to go over there alot. we asked her to stop wearing it and she was a whole new girl. i suggest taking him to an allergy doctor and get him tested to see what all he is allergic to. it definetly sounds like (emotional) allergic reaction to me because yeah, kids can be bad but there is limit to it.

when i get around something i am allergic to (like anything scented) i lose control and i will cry and scream and yell for no reason and i ama calm, quiet straight A 15 year old girl!! please take what i said into consideration. i know i am only 15 but when it comes to things like that i really know what i am talking about. keep us updated and good luck.
post #19 of 26
I would check out the allergy route and add gluten to the list...

Personally I have meet nearly 100 kids with the ADD ADHD label and only 2 really had it the rest were kids needing more to do... Have you had his IQ tested ???
post #20 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sharky
I would check out the allergy route and add gluten to the list...

Personally I have meet nearly 100 kids with the ADD ADHD label and only 2 really had it the rest were kids needing more to do... Have you had his IQ tested ???

They are waiting until he is 5 to do any testing on him.. I have requested an allergy test on him in the past but unless he has an "outbreak" due to an allergy they wont test him... I know his teacher did an evaluation on him not too long ago and said even though he's 4 he's on a 5-6 yr old's learning level. He's smart as a whip, just mean as a rattlesnake
post #21 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256
They are waiting until he is 5 to do any testing on him.. I have requested an allergy test on him in the past but unless he has an "outbreak" due to an allergy they wont test him... I know his teacher did an evaluation on him not too long ago and said even though he's 4 he's on a 5-6 yr old's learning level. He's smart as a whip, just mean as a rattlesnake
One your getting the run around by five I had been so tested it wasnt funny...
The diet is something you can do ... no testing required except at home by you taking things out ... I am not home but I send you a few links.. So he is a smarty pants ... challange him...
post #22 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sharky
One your getting the run around by five I had been so tested it wasnt funny...
The diet is something you can do ... no testing required except at home by you taking things out ... I am not home but I send you a few links.. So he is a smarty pants ... challange him...

My oldest son has ADHD and ICD (impulse control disorder) and we do not medicate him, we did the elimination by diet. Red food dye's, yellow #5, switched to lactose-free milk and he has done better. Deacon on the other hand does'nt eat much at all. He's picker then a bird. We have consulted his Dr about this also and she said to let him eat what he will minus the junk food of course. He's mainly into peanut butter, toast and corm and we have him on multi vitimans. They say he's good at school but she can see where he would have a listening problem at home. His teacher says that he listens rather well to her. It's just at home with us that we have a problem.
post #23 of 26
Consistant was the word I was looking for late last night but couldn't find.

Consistancy is best....as for testing, I pushed for testing for my daughter due to family history and odd behavior/impulses ect....

She was diagnosed with Asperger's at the age of 4 years old. They can refer you to a developmental pediatrician and the like.
post #24 of 26
Well, I don't know if this will help you much or not. When my 14 year old son was that age he did the opposite. Sweet perfect boy at home, challenging, obnoxious, angry at school. One thing that helped him was we discovered he had a vision problem (he couldn't focus on things close up, then far away - binocular dysfunction, I think.) That helped with his reading. Years later, he still has trouble at school, but now that he can verbalize it, it's that he thinks that a lot of the stuff he's being taught is bogus. He is upset that he is just one person and he can't change the world. He's seeing a counselor, who tells him that people that are artistic or smarter than the average bear often have trouble relating to others and need counseling.

So in a way I'm telling you that it never ends, but if you get him on your side by being consistent, hopefully later your relationship will be good when you have that fun junior high stuff!!
post #25 of 26
as I don't have kids, I hope Deacon will behave better and do things you ask him not to do/do.
post #26 of 26
Provided that his problem is really behavioral and not due to some physical reason (fascinating, I had never heard allergies could do that before!) I could tell you what my favorite radio psychiatrist, Dr. Ray Guarendi, suggests for kids who won't listen.

He always says, as one earlier poster did, to say what you want once, and tell him the consequences. "If you don't turn off the tv right now, you're going to be sent to your room." Then, if he doesn't do it, follow through with the consequences, no second warnings at all. Also, he suggests a thing he calls a "blackout" in which all privaleges are taken away. No tv, no toys, no special treats, etc. When you feel your son has done something to warrent a blackout, you tell him how long it will last, and let him know that if he breaks it, it will be prolonged. Then you follow through.

If you're interested at all in his work, since he's not as well known as Dr. Phil or Dr. Dobson, his site is http://www.drray.com/main.htm . He is specifically a Catholic child psyciatrist, but most of his information is not religion-based, I just thought I would let you know ahead of time.

I hope you sort this problem out soon, I know it must be terribly frustrating for you, but we all know you're doing your best. Best of luck!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Stressed........(long)