I Need To Vent!!!!

My son has a friend who is an extremely dangerous driver. This friend is an alcoholic who insists on driving when he is drunk. Sometimes the friend gets too drunk to drive when he is out of town with several other people in the car, if my son wants to get home he has no choice but to get in the car. A couple of times my son, who was sober, tried to take the keys away from his friend and drive the car himself, but the friend refused to allow this. This situation really scares me, I am really afraid that my son's friend will end up killing someone while he is driving drunk, and I hope it's not my son.

This has really been bothering me because I know that the friend was drunk again last night and was trying to get my son to go out of town with him. My son only wanted to take the keys away from his friend so he could drive the friend home.

When your son goes out, maybe you should give him extra cash so that he can take a cab. Our report to the cops about this(if its possible.).

They might not believe you, but have you talked to this boy's parents? It is in their best interest, too, to see that he stops his destructive habits. It is only a matter of time before he gets into an accident. Or maybe your son should be the designated driver.

This is such a difficult situation. Dealing with Drunks/Alcoholics is very tricky and you can't force anything on them, unless you knock them unconscious or have them arrested. You can force or preach all you want, but unless they can admit it to themselves that what they are doing is wrong (drinking and driving) and that they need help, it's not going to do a bit of good.

There are only a couple of things that I can think of that your son can do:

1) Have a serious talk with the guy and hope that it "opens his eyes"

2) Distance himself from the guy; don't take trips with him and don't go out with him anymore

3) If 2 isn't doable, then make sure they go in someone else's car so that they are doing the driving

I'm no counselor, but this is what comes to my mind. With situations such as this, a counselor can offer the best advice.

And Lorie, I'm so sorry that you are struggling with this. I'm not a mother but I can just imagine the horror you go through each time your son goes out with this friend. I hope that you and your son find a resolution to this problem very quickly. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way in hopes that things will work out.

Thanks Nena
Reporting the situation to the police is a good idea, and it's something I will talk to my son about.

Sabra, I didn't see your post, sorry. I think my son is becoming afraid of this situation and hopefully, he will distance himself from the friend.

If this guy is as destructive as you say, then your son should not even be going out with him at all. Or at least take his own car when he does so he is not forced to drive home with a drunk driver.

Good Luck.

So this really burns me. Have your son imagine what it will be like for him to witness the death of his friend's victims. If your son is in the car when his "friend" crashes into someone, he will have to hear their screams, he will smell the burning flesh, he will be covered in their blood as he tries to save them, he will witness the life leaving their bodies, he will see the child crying for his dead mother or will lift the lifeless body of the infant so the mother can hold it for the last time. Perhaps thinking about the bloody reality of drunk driving will help your son get away from this "friend."

Oh....I don't want you tho think I'm angry at your son....I just get sooooo angry at the jerks who think they can drive after drinking. I hope your son finds the strength to avoid this person. I can't imagine that this guy could be a real friend if he behaves like that with your son.

Thankfully I've never been in exactly this situation (since I'm usually the driver and always sober), but I would consider what others have posted here: trying to help your son find other ways of transport. Besides that, I would call the cops on the drunk driver, if that is in any way possible (if you know when/where he'll be driving, or getting your son's help on this if he agrees). IF the drunk driver was only a danger to himself, the situation would be different (although intervention would still be needed), but he is putting everyone on the roads in danger. He could kill a whole lot of people who have nothing to do with him or his problem, which is why I think it's important to get the cops involved straight away. Also his parents. Honestly, I think it'd be great if your son distanced himself from this friend, but even if he does, it's important to stop this guy. I know your concern is firstly for your son, but the person might kill somebody very soon if driving drunk, and I think it's your duty to get him off the roads- of course it's everyone else's duty too if they know about the problem, but it's so easy to think that "someone else" should/will do something about it.

I remember when I was in my teens, and a friend of mine had wanted to drive his motorcycle when he was drunk, and his parents had told him that if he did that, THEY would call the cops on him. Of course, at the time I couldn't understand and thought his parents were terrible, but now I see how right they were. They might have stopped their son from killing himself or others. After I told my parents about this, they said they'd do the exact same thing. After all, it's better to be arrested or something than end up dead or to have killed others.

Lorie~

I would put my foot down and tell my son under NO circumstances is he to get in the car with this menace when he has been drinking. My kids haven't reached this age yet, but when they do, I plan on telling them to call if they ever get into this situation. I don't care where they are or what time it is, I'll go get them myself. I agree with the advice to involve the kid's parents. This is a disaster waiting to happen.

A friend of mine began a new job a couple of years ago. At the end of his first week, his supervisor and others went out for happy hour. On the way home, she killed 2 people in a drunk driving accident. It's too late to be sorry now. They are dead, and she is rightfully in jail.

Lorie, that must be very scary for you!

Some few other thoughts:

I expect to tell my daughter she can always call me. Even if I am aggravated to have to go out at midnight to pick her up, I'd rather be annoyed for a couple hours than have something terrible happen to her. I think you could say the same thing to your son. Give him a calling card or cel phone for this purpose (I don't know how old he is) if you have to. Or what if he calls you when he leaves so you know when to expect him?

Has he tried taking the keys away from his friend before he drinks too much? It's hard to convince someone who's already drunk to give up the keys, but sometimes you can get someone who's only a little tipsy to let you have them. Of course, many young men think it's an insult to say that he drank too much because it implies he's less of a man and can't hold his alcohol. all that young ego gets bruised pretty easily.

In some states, the person who throws the party is also liable if someone leaves drunk and gets in an accident. He might talk to the host (hostess) about collecting everyone's keys on the way in and only giving them back to people who are able to drive. When I was in college, we'd just crash at someone's house and leave when the sun came up. Not always possible, I know.

I hope you and your son get this all worked out.

Thank you for your help and advice everyone, there are a number of good suggestions here and I will try them.

Lori...You have gotten such good advice here, I probably can't add very much to it...but I agree with the others...forbid him to go anywhere with this person, and tell him if he does, and the friend drinks, to call you and you will pick him up...and reporting this person sounds like a great idea, also!!!!!

I told my step-daughter when she was 15, that if she was ever out with friends who had been drinking, and needed a ride home, to please call me, no matter what time it was, and I or her dad would come get her.

The other aspect is that at that age they think that they are invincible and that nothing can touch them. I think you should be proud of your son for telling you about the situation. He seems to have a sound head on his shoulders and will be taking your concerns seriously. You have quite a few good suggestions to work with and I hope they will work for you.

Yes, the other guy is still a very serious problem not just to himself but others. Someone should tape him when he is out of control and show it to him when he sober - maybe that will scare the #$%#^ out of him.

I agree with all the above advice.... and I also agree with Debby. Tell your son if he needs a ride home and this person is to drunk, that you'll come and get him.. I tell my fiancee that when he goes out with his friends. I would rather be tired the next day then to attend a funeral for a loved one... This guy needs to go to AA or better yet, i think you should call the police and have this guy arrested for drunk driving... I'm sorry if I sound preachy but I don't ever want to see anything happen to someone because of one stupid person...

Originally posted by Hell603

Someone should tape him when he is out of control and show it to him when he sober - maybe that will scare the #$%#^ out of him.

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Whenever I have seen this friend he has been a quiet, polite person. My son has only recently let me know that his friend has a really dark side, which is why I started this thread.

Besides driving drunk, the friend becomes violent and damages objects when he's been drinking, he also beats up his girlfriend regularly. Taping him when he is out of control is another suggestion I like and I will mention it to my son.

Thanks again guys!!

this guy sounds dangerous in many ways: it's not just the drinking and driving. Eventually, something will have to give. How well does your son know this guy's girlfriend. Is there any way he could convince her to press charges? Or even give her phone numbers of agencies that can help her?

Lorie,
What does your son's friends parents have to say about this all? Has your son tried talking to him when he isn't drunk, and if so, what does he say? I'd call the police, and hopefully they can put him into rehab. I agree w/ everyone else about having your son call you if he needs a ride home.

My co-worker was telling me about one of his friends. This guy was a big-time alcoholic. He'd show up at work drunk, etc, get drunk after work. I guess he went to the doctor, and they had told him that if he didn't stop drinking, he'd die. I guess one weekend, his company had a picnic, and he showed up drunk. His boss caught wind of it, and called the cops. Do you know, the cops arrested him & they sent him to rehab. Anyways, the guy is now sober and hasn't had a drink in over a year or so.

Good luck, Lorie. Your son sounds like a very responsible guy!

I am fortunate that I have a good relationship with my son and can communicate with him for more information.

According to my son, the boy's parents and all his friends feel that his relationship with his girlfriend is so destructive that it's causing him to have a lot of problems. The girl's parents are also very disapproving of the relationship. Unfortunately, these two people think that they're in love and won't listen to reason. Zapata, the girl wouldn't be willing to press changes.

Something else that I have now found out. This friend has already had 2 or 3 DUI's, which were dealt with in juvenile court so the police are aware that he has a problem. Also, starting in August, the drunk driving laws in Minnesota will change and become a lot stricter than they are now, maybe this will help.

I don't know if I can do a lot except forbid my son to ride in the car when his friend is drunk and provide rides home if it's necessary. I am also going to contact someone from MADD to find out what they have to say about all this.