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Are We Really Lonely People?

post #1 of 25
6/26/06 at 10:53am
Thread Starter 
Just read about this study saying people are more socially isolated than ever.
Apparently, I lot of us that really have anyone to count on.
Here's the link if you wanna read about it:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060626/...ife_friends_dc

I personally think people don't keep close friends cause you can hardly trust them. I can't tell you how many times I've seen friendships break apart because of betrayl or paranoia. It just feels like in this day and age you don't really know who to trust, I mean sometimes you can't trust your own parents! So what about a stranger that claims to be your friend?
I normally go to parents for confidence anyways.
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post #2 of 25
6/26/06 at 1:21pm
Friends are overrated. A very good friend of mine tried to kill me two years ago after I told her "NO. You can not keep living at my apartment for free" She lived the whole summer for free at my apartment because of some personal problems. She also stole my cat Chester.

Anyhow, nowadays I try to work on my marriage instead. My grad school career doesn't let me have much time to do otherwise. A good husband is better than 10 friends.

I am lucky to have good coworkers, also.

I think that we are not more isolated than usual. We are simply more connected in other, safer ways (like this forum for example). If you read classical novels like "Madame Bovary" you'll see the early 19th century women are even more isolated than today.
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post #3 of 25
6/26/06 at 2:02pm
honestly, I prefer it this way. I like posting in forums to socialize. Other than that I am home all the time. And shengmei is right, a good husband is better than 10 friends. We do every thing together and we are all we have besides family. I have a friend here in t here, all long distance.
Theres 2 much backstabbing in friendships IMO. Ive been there and something always goes wrong. I haver ONE friend that Ive kepts for 12 years and we only talk now and then.

I have my cats and my birds lol. Im happy like this.
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post #4 of 25
6/27/06 at 10:32am
Thread Starter 
Well I think Im too young for a husband just yet, so I just settle on parents.
Or I just talk to Layla. Since she could never betray me by tellin my secrets.
But yeah, good friends are very hard to find nowadays,especially when it comes to a crisis.
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post #5 of 25
6/27/06 at 10:41am
My husband IS my best friend. Most of my family lives far away, but I am blessed in that I CAN count on them. I have lots of aquaintences, but few friends.

It seems to me that in the "olden days" people depended on each other more. Now we are so independent that we rarely ask for help.
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post #6 of 25
6/27/06 at 10:54am
I treasure very close friends and family.
My SO is my best friend.

I think technology further isolates us with all of its solitary components.
Email and Messenger for example don't even require the people speaking to know each other at all...I think it creates a false bonding the majority of the time. In friendships, risks are made to be taken so that the friendship strengthens. You don't take any risks with anyone sitting beyond a monitor.
Add this to video games, chatting forums, etc. and while you may have common interests in common and truly do delight in the other's presence, its not a serious friendship to me (until you meet the person P2P)

I can count the amount of IRL close friends I have but these friendships were cultivated over years and there is an investment. I probably jump into a friendship with more care and concern than most of my romantic relationships ....You just have to have the talent for weeding out the bad seeds in the beginning
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post #7 of 25
6/27/06 at 11:25am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loveysmummy
You don't take any risks with anyone sitting beyond a monitor.
That is not true. I had been stalked online before.
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post #8 of 25
6/27/06 at 12:50pm
That isn't really the context in which I was referring to...What I meant by "risk" is allowing someone to see you in different contexts and up close and personal in terms of cultivating a friendship.

An online "friendship" can be amusing, fun, comforting but its not just like the "real thing" (as you obviously found out).

We shouldn't automatically trust the person beside us on the sidewalk. We definitely shouldn't open ourselves up like a book on the internet.

I am sorry you were stalked online though. I can't see the same thing happening to me because I would simply discontinue contact.
How did you handle it?
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post #9 of 25
6/27/06 at 1:16pm
Oh I just put her and her best friend on the ignore list in all my forums.

Same with real life. If somebody tries to hurt my family I keep him/her away from us.
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post #10 of 25
6/27/06 at 1:25pm
Easy for all of you with husbands to say we are not isolated. Well, you aren't, you have a husband. I think singles are very much isolated. Living alone has its advantages, but one of the disadvantages is lonliness and the feeling of isolation. You can go to as many functions as you like, but it takes planning and scheduling. When you live with someone, they are there, even if they are out, they will be home. It is a sense of belonging that doesn't exist when you live alone.
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post #11 of 25
6/27/06 at 1:37pm
People are social animals by nature, we're related to chimpanzees who are also social by nature, and it isn't natural to be isolated. Sometimes I think what we are taught by our culture, to say, "I don't need a man" or "I don't need anybody" isn't exactly a sign of strength but of denial and of going against our true nature as human beings. We all need relationships, whether it's family, husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, just friends, whatever it is we need to interact with other people and we also benefit from having animal companions too. Being too much alone is not healthy. Ever since I found my love, my boyfriend who has been living with me for years my feelings of isolation have disappeared. I haven't had much luck with female friends. They are usually temporary in my life, popping in and popping out, calling out of the blue, and then not calling for months. I think we people are a lot more isolated than we should be, I think we put up walls and that people need to find the courage to reach out to others more and I think the reason we're afraid to is because other people are afraid to as well.
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post #12 of 25
6/27/06 at 1:54pm
I saw that article and briefly read it.

Hate to say it, but I do agree with that factor. We are SO BUSY today with work/school/whatever else that we see our friends maybe once a month. For a while I admit that I was using TCS to substitute for my lack of friendships here. Most of my friends moved from Michigan because of the lack of jobs here. I have only 2-3 friends that stayed, but one was back in school full time (plus doing her student teaching) and the other was working 2 jobs to stay alive. The 3rd I liked, but didn't know her as well.

The great thing with being online is that you're not judged in the way that friends or family would judge you because many people do not know you as well. You can make great friends being online, but I think the friendships may get destroyed quicker than by taking their time.

As for stalking, yes I have been stalked online also. I also made the mistake of giving one of those stalkers my phone numbers. He didn't understand the part of "I no longer want to see you" for 6 months. Thank the internet gods for "ignore" lists.
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post #13 of 25
6/27/06 at 2:05pm
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post #14 of 25
6/27/06 at 2:15pm
That's cute. They have one for EVERYTHING!!!

But to Gailluvscats, why do you choose to live alone then? What about a roommate?
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post #15 of 25
6/29/06 at 8:26pm
I agree that it's hard to see who you can trust...and in my opinion, friends come and go. I only put 100% trust in my family and very close friends...but it takes a lot for someone who I socialize with to become my friend, I keep them at a distance.
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post #16 of 25
6/30/06 at 9:55am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal211
I agree that it's hard to see who you can trust...and in my opinion, friends come and go. I only put 100% trust in my family and very close friends...but it takes a lot for someone who I socialize with to become my friend, I keep them at a distance.
Same here. I've been backstabbed by enough people that I thought were close to me that I now have a hard time trusting people, especially with personal information. Heck, it even took me a while to post some of the things I have posted here on TCS!
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post #17 of 25
7/3/06 at 5:48pm
I can feel completely alone in a room full of people. I can be sitting here with my DH and still feel incredibly alone...inside.

Course my heart has been broken by so many close to me it's hard to learn to trust.....

I swear to you the song by Kelly Clarkson, "Because of You" has been my theme song lately.

First hurt by my own flesh and blood family, then my peers growing up and then my ex husband.

I've got alot of trust issues and so therefore don't have alot of IRL friends...I change email addies and my messangers more often than I change my underwear because I'm paranoid that my mother will stalk me on the internet and this is way off topic isn't it.


Back to point:

I am always alone even when I'm not because I feel like no one can or does understand me.
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post #18 of 25
7/8/06 at 5:26am
To Loveysmummy, I choose to live alone with my three cats rather than to have a "roommate" for the sole purpose of company. I don't see any desirability in that. I am not a kid, and unless it would be a significant other with whom I want to share my life, I am not interested in having to live with someone else's idiosyncrasies. I am just saying that IMO people that are married don't really understand "alone" or "isolation" until they actually are.
This world is family oriented, and while it is not impossible, it is difficult for older singles to connect or feel like they belong. Don't get me wrong, I am very active, have friends, even have a boyfriend, but it takes work. It is not a ready made social life, or unconditional belonging. Don't know if I am explaining this right and I really do think that only single people will understand what I am talking about. I also understand that not every marriage is a bed of roses either. I would hate to be trapped in a loveless marriage, I was just commenting on this thread.
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post #19 of 25
7/8/06 at 8:37am
Quote:
Originally Posted by gailuvscats
To Loveysmummy, I choose to live alone with my three cats rather than to have a "roommate" for the sole purpose of company. I don't see any desirability in that. I am not a kid, and unless it would be a significant other with whom I want to share my life, I am not interested in having to live with someone else's idiosyncrasies. I am just saying that IMO people that are married don't really understand "alone" or "isolation" until they actually are.
I very much agree with this statement. My fiancé is in the Army and I was alone in our apartment for a year and a half while he went to training and to his first duty station (I had to finish up school). I would much rather be alone with my cats than find a roommate just to have "company."
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post #20 of 25
7/8/06 at 8:44am
I had a bunch of friends back where I used to live who were all fantastic, and I miss heaps, but I wouldn't have called any of them "close" friends. They were all people I loved socialising with, and training with, but I never really bonded with any one person. I have my husband for that, and yes, he is my best friend, and he's the one I tell everything.

I haven't found a new bunch of girly friends since we moved, which I really miss, but I know I probably wouldn't ever completely open up to anyone but my husband and family.
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post #21 of 25
7/8/06 at 1:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom
Same here. I've been backstabbed by enough people that I thought were close to me that I now have a hard time trusting people, especially with personal information. Heck, it even took me a while to post some of the things I have posted here on TCS!

Same here.
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post #22 of 25
7/8/06 at 8:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Crystal211
I agree that it's hard to see who you can trust...and in my opinion, friends come and go. I only put 100% trust in my family and very close friends...but it takes a lot for someone who I socialize with to become my friend, I keep them at a distance.

Sometimes though, well in my case, you can't even trust your own flesh and blood family. Just look at what mine did to me and DH and our kids. Just plain heinous.

"anyone else with family issues thread"

The only ones I truly trust are my DH and my kitties. (cause my kitties won't tell my secrets and my DH knows every single thing about me).
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post #23 of 25
7/10/06 at 8:47am
Quote:
Originally Posted by gailuvscats
To Loveysmummy, I choose to live alone with my three cats rather than to have a "roommate" for the sole purpose of company. I don't see any desirability in that. I am not a kid, and unless it would be a significant other with whom I want to share my life, I am not interested in having to live with someone else's idiosyncrasies. I am just saying that IMO people that are married don't really understand "alone" or "isolation" until they actually are.
This world is family oriented, and while it is not impossible, it is difficult for older singles to connect or feel like they belong. Don't get me wrong, I am very active, have friends, even have a boyfriend, but it takes work. It is not a ready made social life, or unconditional belonging. Don't know if I am explaining this right and I really do think that only single people will understand what I am talking about. I also understand that not every marriage is a bed of roses either. I would hate to be trapped in a loveless marriage, I was just commenting on this thread.
I fully understand and actually agree with you. I haven't lived with a roommate since I was 16 and wouldn't likely do it again unless it was a severe financial need. I have long since been bothered by the fact that if you are anything but a nuclear 2.2 kid family with an SUV and a car parked in your two car that you are classified as a second class citizen. This is moreso true in some cities than others.
Where I live, if you don't have a car and doG forbid, ride a bike to work, you will get the finger 3 times in a day and be treated as an annoyance..

I do think though, that the Internet can be further isolating. Instead of many single people going out and joining clubs/classes etc, they spend most of their waking hours at sites like this. (not saying you...but just my observance in general)
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post #24 of 25
7/10/06 at 8:05pm
You know, maybe its the mood I'm in now...but I'm kind of leaning towards us being lonely people.

I only say this because it suddenly dawned on me tonight that I'm more apted to sign onto TCS than to call up one of my friends when I want to talk to someone. There's nothing wrong with my friend, I love her, but I just don't know why I choose this.
Maybe its because I'm afraid to get close to people, maybe I'm just neurotic, maybe I prefer to have a bunch of people that I have never met give me advice based on what I want to hear, rather than someone who knows me.

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post #25 of 25
7/16/06 at 2:42pm
I don't feel lonely very often, even though I live alone (just me and the furbabes!). I am a bit of a loner by nature and don't feel the need to be always around other people. I have lots of friends though and consider them my family as none of my real family live close by. The only time I feel lonely or isolated is at holiday times when friends, esp those with children, want to spend time with their families rather than with their friends. That's when it's nice to have a partner.

As far as the internet is concerned - online is just another way of making friends, imo. Sure, you have to be careful of people you meet as there are some crazy people out there, but I've become good friends with a group of women I first met online a few years ago (on a Lord of the Rings message board). I "talk" to them via the internet most days and we've met up several times (I met 2 of them only last week). I now consider them real friends (as opposed to internet buddies) so I wouldnt agree that the internet is necessarily isolating.
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