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Favors?

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 
How often do you do/run favors for your significant other or someone you love?

I'm not talking about just "scooping them some ice cream" type of favor...I'm talking more doing their chores for them or running an errand for them.

I'm just curious of what the norm is...lately I've been doing a lot of "favors" for B and its starting to concern me since I'll be beginning school this fall and working full time. My concern is that this will become a bad habit and it'll ruin our relationship because I won't have time and basically will go bonkers.

Thanks!
post #2 of 26
I chose everyday since I do them a lot for him. But he does a lot for me too. It evens out!
post #3 of 26
Every single day.

I am either racing my bike to one place or another, or doing chores that I'm not supposed to be doing, and hurting because of it.
post #4 of 26
I do chores for Jeff everyother day (laundry stuff like that) because he works full time and I work part time. It's the least I can do while I'm at home.
post #5 of 26
OK, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about and am in the exact same position. I am very concerned about how this will affect our relationship. I work full time, and have been taking classes part time for the past 3 years. Beginning fall term (August), I am picking up 13 credit hours, and then in May I will start nursing school. My spare time is going to dwindle away into nothing. I do a lot of extras for my fiance, such as packing his lunch for work, cooking breakfast in the mornings, and even warming his towels in the dryer so they are warm when he gets out ouf the shower (I have been slacking a bit for the past month or two ). Those are just a few of the extras I do. For errands, I do all of them.... I do the grocery shopping, or pick things up we need. He quit smoking now, but when he did smoke I was the one who bought his cigarettes.
As far as housework, I do it all. His only jobs are to take the trash to the curb on Fridays, and mow the grass. This past weekend I mowed the yard as a favor to him I am soooo worried that once my schedule changes I am going to get behind on things and won't be able to do as much as I do now. I worry that will affect our relationship because he has become used to everything. I am going to do my best to keep it up, but I know that realistically I can't do it all.
He understands my schedule will be busy, and is always willing to help out. He doesn't ask me to do these things, or expect them really. I just enjoy taking care of him. I can't tell you how things are going to work out, because I am so unsure of my situation... I just wanted to let you know that I am right there with ya!
post #6 of 26
We go favours for each other a good bit, though not constantly. It helps to remember that its not always 50-50; sometimes you'll be doing alot of favours, sometimes you'll need a lot of favours.

Before you feel used, consider if they are going through a rough patch; also consider how much extra energy you can spare. If they are and you can spare the energy to pamper them for a while, that's all fair in love. If the answer is no to both, then try to cut back - if it's just a habit, he'll easily adjust when he realises that he's been asking alot of you for no real reason. Only if its more serious than that should you let it bother you.

That's my advice. Your milage may vary.
post #7 of 26
Thread Starter 
Thanks!

He does have back issues, so when his back is bad, I pick up a lot around the house. However this last time the back went bad, he did it on his own...he had back surgury a few years ago and the result is perminant nerve damage (not from the surgury, but from lack of isolation of the issue). So he knows he's not suppose to play volleyball, but he still did anyway. So I wind up having to cater to his needs.

Then last night I was just crank and somewhat depressed. Unfortuntaly he got totally sunburned. This was where we differ because I just did not feel like going anywhere. I know I was being selfish, but I said "no". Now he's ticked off with me. I mean between his back last week and now his sunburn this week there are days that I get cynical and think that he's deliberatly doing this so that I will "serve" him.

Plus part of it doesn't help that my parents think that the only reason he is dating me is that he needs a nursemaid. So I have their cynicism running through the back of my head when I get frustrated.

Squirtle - I'm SO GLAD to know someone else is in my position. If I worked part time or less hours that's one thing. Since I work 50-60 hours per week right now I'm going crazy and really in fact I have always spoiled him by not saying "No" prior on some occassions.
post #8 of 26
Our situations are are a little different, but the underlying concern is all the same. My fiancรƒยฉ doesn't try to milk things for all they are worth, and tends to fight me when I try to play nurse. I on the other hand, would be more sympathetic to him being reinjured playing volleyball. I know it would be hard to have to quit doing something you could enjoy because of an injury, and if it made him happy to play once in a while, I would be willing to take care of him afterward. But that's just me, and I have heard from a million people that I go way out of my way for him and that he is spoiled rotten... So everyone will probably disagree with me

I am not so much worried about him getting mad at me for not having the time to do these things, but I worry I won't be taking good care of him while everything else is going on. He is a good guy, and I feel like he deserves to be with someone who will look after him. Hopefully, I will be able to find other ways to make up for the things I don't have time to do when my schedule changes.
post #9 of 26
Ladies, we are doing a favor for these guys just by being with them.
post #10 of 26
I can relate to this alot. My husband works very hard, physical labor, out in the sun, for long days (sometimes 7am-10pm), and rarely takes a day off (6-7 days a week), so I do almost everything. And it gets frusterating, and I often feel unappreciated, which is probably the reason your feeling this way as well.

I work 40 hrs a week too, and while I'm mentally exhausted, I get home by 4:30 everyday. I cook, and do all the cleaning. Occasionally he will run the vacuum (although I believe it's when he tracked something in on the carpet & doesn't want me to see it), and maybe once every 2 weeks he'll do a load of wash, or fold what I have in the dryer, and he takes the trash to the curb every Thursday... and that's it. I get aggitated when I have to pick up after him, because I have to do everything else, and take care of our 8 yr old...

I do all the banking, shopping, pharmacy p/u's, make all dr appts, etc. And he'll call and say, "can you cash this check for me tonight, I have to pay so & so for working yesterday?" and Friday I said, "no, I can't I have to go grocery shopping and clean the bathroom before company arrives" and he threw a hissy fit because I couldn't just jump & take care of it.... I realize that this is because I usually just handle it, as it is much easier than him trying to do whatever it is.

I feel your pain sweetie, pick & choose your battles, and nip whatever you can in the butt now.... good luck.
post #11 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyGirl
I get aggitated when I have to pick up after him, because I have to do everything else, and take care of our 8 yr old...
Does your hubby take his clothes off at the end of the day and leave them on the floor when the hamper is an arms reach away too?
I HATE that. I do get agitated at him not doing the small things that most people do to pick up after themselves. Such as throwing the clothes in the hamper, leaving dishes near the computer, etc. I think I get even more agitated because I do try so hard to take care of him.. I feel like it is a "slap in the face" so to speak when he leaves the clothes all over the floor It almost like he is saying "why bother, I know she will pick them up".
post #12 of 26
I didn't know what to put. Right now I"m unemployed and sitting at home waiting for jobs to open up so I do like 90% of the chores around the house... but I don't work or anything, so I feel it's only fair that I do it and I'm happy to do it. He still helps out around the house, but he helps out MORE when I'm working as well. When I start working the housework will be divided 60/40 again (there's somethings I just don't let him do... like the dishes, I hate doing the dishes but he doesn't do them to my standard LOL)

However I also have to admit, I'm the slob too, so it's only right I clean up after myself... right? LOL
post #13 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by squirtle
Does your hubby take his clothes off at the end of the day and leave them on the floor when the hamper is an arms reach away too?
Ooo...B use to do something like that in our old apartment. He has a huge addiction to Diet Mt. Dew (its really out there...about 3-5 2liters per day) and we had a bin dedicated to the empty soda bottles with easy reach. It would DRIVE ME CRAZY because instead of lifting the lid and putting the empty bottle in there, he would just place it on top of the lid even though there would be room in the bin for them.

Some days I would knock over the bottles and just leave them there...
post #14 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom
Ooo...B use to do something like that in our old apartment. He has a huge addiction to Diet Mt. Dew (its really out there...about 3-5 2liters per day) and we had a bin dedicated to the empty soda bottles with easy reach. It would DRIVE ME CRAZY because instead of lifting the lid and putting the empty bottle in there, he would just place it on top of the lid even though there would be room in the bin for them.

Some days I would knock over the bottles and just leave them there...

OMG that reminds me of what Steve does that I just want to smack him for. He leaves his empty soda cans on the table... 2 STEPS from the recycling... or the garbage on the table ONE STEP from the garabage can... I just wonder if those extra steps are ones he is afraid of or what? Or he'll set a piece of garbage on the coffee table when there is a garbage that is the same length away and he doesn't even have to move anymore... WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?
post #15 of 26
thinking back, I think that this is one of the main reasons my ex and I's relationship went sour....A little background... I've basically worked 2 jobs for the entirety of the last decade, working anywhere from 60-80 hrs a week, this I did not mind really, I enjoy working . While my ex and I were together he worked as an electrician on new construction, and sometimes work was slow, on two occasions he was barely, and I do mean barely, working, maybe a week out of 6 months, so I was bringing home ALL the bacon he wouldn't get another job because of some screwed up loyalty to his boss, and his boss kept promising that they would be working "next week" When I finally got him to get another job, it was at a factory 5 minutes from our house (I work almost an hour away) making just barely above minimum wage (remember I am also working 2 jobs) I did EVERYTHING, grocery shop, pay the bills, all the cleaning/laundry, shoot, most of the time I mowed the lawn too. Can we say PO'ed?? I was hopping mad, because even with everything I did, it was never enough. I'll admit I am not the best housekeeper, but hello, I wasn't home making a mess! and why when I get home 2 hours after him is he asking me what's for dinner as soon as I walk in the door? So basically I will never cater to a man again, when that Destiny's Child song came out it irritated to me to NO END!! why should I do all that extra stuff and get nothing in return but taken for granted? Now don't get me wrong, if I ever find a man who gives as well as takes I would be more than willing to do favors, but you ladies should feel no guilt about not being able to do all this extra stuff for the men in your life, especially as you are going to school, working and trying to take care of a home, if anything, they should be doing extras for YOU. In general, I think this is the downfall of many many women, we take care of everyone else and leave ourselves out in the cold, but that's JMO. I know that this way of thinking may hinder me in relationships in the future, but from the day my ex and I split, until (if I ever) have children, I AM NUMBER 1, my prority is to myself, because if I don't take care of me, no one else will. Sorry for the long rant, but I'm still a little angry about the whole thing, can ya tell?
post #16 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by squirtle
Does your hubby take his clothes off at the end of the day and leave them on the floor when the hamper is an arms reach away too?
I HATE that. I do get agitated at him not doing the small things that most people do to pick up after themselves. Such as throwing the clothes in the hamper, leaving dishes near the computer, etc. I think I get even more agitated because I do try so hard to take care of him.. I feel like it is a "slap in the face" so to speak when he leaves the clothes all over the floor It almost like he is saying "why bother, I know she will pick them up".
Exactly!!! It's hard enough actually doing the laundry, let alone having to pick up each indidual piece off the floor around the hamper! And what burns me up most is the trash, like I work for the city collecting it?! He eats a granola bar, and leaves the wrapper on the table, the trash is 2 ft away!!! And the cups everywhere.... empty cup on top of the microwave, 2 on the table, 1 next to his bed... I spend 15 minutes just collecting cups!

I try not to say too much cause he does work ALL the time, and is physically exhausted when he gets home, but come on?! I feel like I have just taken over the role of his mom... and I definately go unappreciated. He just doesn't realize how good he has it!
post #17 of 26
Thread Starter 
Hey that's OK.

For me, and this is part of the reason why I posted this. Sometimes I feel a little pscyzo (?) in our relationship. Once I'm done with my Masters, I could potentially be the "breadmaker" of the house. With that comes more working hours though. If he wants me to be the breadmaker, then that's fine...just he needs to understand I won't be able to keep house as much. If he wants to be a breadmaker, I could work part time and do all of this and/or he has all the bills in his name, then I wouldn't mind so much.
But I also come from a different, self-sufficient background. If I wanted or needed something I got in my car and went out to get it. I never ask people to do it for me. So for one, that's my quirk...I rarely ask for favors back.
On the otherhand he comes from a more loving background where you just do things without question or arguement. So I do admit that I'm partly at fault for making myself angry in the end.
post #18 of 26
I think a lot of our situation arose from his Mom being a stay-at-home who did everything for him, so he expected me to do the same.... uh-no I don't think so, you want to live off my income you better start pitching in instead of playing Playstation all day! You don't know how many times I wanted to take those controllers with me to work

oh, edited to add, he doesn't really ask you to do these favors for him, does he? you just do them, right? then why can't he "just do" things for you without you having to ask?
post #19 of 26
I'm pretty good at doing favours...It makes me feel good to do them
post #20 of 26
Quote:
Now don't get me wrong, if I ever find a man who gives as well as takes I would be more than willing to do favors, but you ladies should feel no guilt about not being able to do all this extra stuff for the men in your life, especially as you are going to school, working and trying to take care of a home, if anything, they should be doing extras for YOU. In general, I think this is the downfall of many many women, we take care of everyone else and leave ourselves out in the cold, but that's JMO.
I agree for the most part, but I really do enjoy doing nice things for my hubby. And I used to do more (it was more appreciated then), like make him his favorite cookies, put away all of his laundry, pack his lunch (which included making fresh pasta salad weekly, sandwiches etc), and it all just got to be too much. And when he was appreciating every thing I did, it made it rewarding for me to "take care" of him. He used to do more for me as well (when he wasn't working FT & running his own business), like fill up my gas tank, drive me to work in the snow/rain, shovel my car out, wash/wax my car weekly, mow the lawn, etc. Now he has no free time to help out, and he is miserable alot of times from his employees, so I don't get the wonderful husband that used to come home to me... So I guess my complaint is not helping him, but not being appreciated...
post #21 of 26
I think the main issue with me was that I was the one working all the hours, 7 days a week, bringing home all the money and he still chose to sit on his behind and expect me to do everything, if the situation were reversed I wouldn't have minded at all to do that stuff, but it just really got to be too much, especially with NO appreciation.

If any guys are reading this I am going to give you a bit of information that will guarantee a blissfully happy relationship: take care of your girlfriend/wife, buy her flowers, bust out the vacuum one day for no reason, take out the garbage without being asked. Women are natural nuturers, if you give us a little, trust me, you will get it back 10 times over. It truly is the little things that mean soooo much to us. On the other hand, take a women for granted and she can become very evil in no time flat This is just MO, I'm no expert, but I do know what doesn't work
post #22 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277
I think the main issue with me was that I was the one working all the hours, 7 days a week, bringing home all the money and he still chose to sit on his behind and expect me to do everything, if the situation were reversed I wouldn't have minded at all to do that stuff, but it just really got to be too much, especially with NO appreciation.

If any guys are reading this I am going to give you a bit of information that will guarantee a blissfully happy relationship: take care of your girlfriend/wife, buy her flowers, bust out the vacuum one day for no reason, take out the garbage without being asked. Women are natural nuturers, if you give us a little, trust me, you will get it back 10 times over. It truly is the little things that mean soooo much to us. On the other hand, take a women for granted and she can become very evil in no time flat This is just MO, I'm no expert, but I do know what doesn't work
I second that girlfriend!!! Couldn't have said it better myself!
post #23 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277
oh, edited to add, he doesn't really ask you to do these favors for him, does he? you just do them, right? then why can't he "just do" things for you without you having to ask?
It's a 50/50 shot. Sometimes he calls up and asks if I can pick up soda or cigerettes and sometimes I just do it (i.e. if I see soda on sale).

I do agree with what you said though. Especially if I was fullfledge into 2 jobs like you did (I do have a second side job that only takes me 8 -12 hours out of the rest f my free time and its temporary) and he sat around all day. I would be about that.

I swear though, I think he secretly reads my posts. He just texted me and said he's picking up dinner and wanted to know what time I would be home.
post #24 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom
He just texted me and said he's picking up dinner and wanted to know what time I would be home.
Oh, see there is reason to hope.

Unless he *is* reading your posts, which would be a little creepy.
post #25 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunasmom
It's a 50/50 shot. Sometimes he calls up and asks if I can pick up soda or cigerettes and sometimes I just do it (i.e. if I see soda on sale).

I do agree with what you said though. Especially if I was fullfledge into 2 jobs like you did (I do have a second side job that only takes me 8 -12 hours out of the rest f my free time and its temporary) and he sat around all day. I would be about that.

I swear though, I think he secretly reads my posts. He just texted me and said he's picking up dinner and wanted to know what time I would be home.
or maybe all the mind vibes from TCS are sinking into his brain muhahahahahahahahahaha That's great though!
post #26 of 26
Thread Starter 
I know...I swear its some weird connection that we have. I will sit there think of something like "Oh I wish this b/c I really miss it" and he will NOT be anywhere close to me. Then he'll come home and it'll happened.

It truely freaks me out...and people wonder why I'm paranoid all the time!
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