He lied

I'm such a wreck.

When John & I first started dating, he PROMISED me that he stopped doing all drugs - he had smoked weed and done other things, but when I met him, he was only smoking weed. I really didn't like that and I promised to help him stop. Since we've been together - 1 year ago last month, he had only done it 2 times (that he told me).

Anyways - recently, I had been hearing that he had been doing it again, and I confronted him about it, and he said 'No, I promise, I'm not'. I took his word - I trusted him.

Today, we had a big blowout and I asked him again, because a good friend told me that he heard John was doing it again and didn't want me to get hurt.

So, he tells me: "I have smoked at least once or twice a month since we've been together". I just blew up, I gave him his ring back he gave me when we started dating (A 1/2 carat princess cut ring), I threw it at him and stormed off, he came after me saying he was sorry - but now, how do I trust him? How do I know he's not doing it all the time now?

I told him that I can't be with someone forever that breaks a BIG promise like that.

I'm heartbroken and a total wreck. I need some advice here... what would you do? How would you handle this? I just don't know anymore, I'm seriously wondering if all the pain and heart ache is worth it?

This is my advice... find another dude. The drugs are more improtant that you are, and you are worth more than this.

Having married the wrong man the first time and for that I lived with a druggie for ten years, I will tell you turn around and walk away fast

got to agree with the above. besides, honesty is really big with me, i could never be with someone who lied to me, about anything.

I don't want to say to break it off... Maybe he needs some positive influence about stopping.. My husband's a recovering alcoholic (almost 6 months sober) and it's really hard for him. You have people who constantly pressure then to do it. Maybe suggest going to an outpatient rehab for it. My husband would hide his drinking from me all the time and then lie about it when he got caught. I always said to him "I wouldn't be so upset if you hadn't lied." Maybe it's more that he lied then actually doing it? You're hurt and disappointed right now. Maybe offer to be his support system when he is offered to do it. To call you when he has the urge and promise to not get upset w/him if he does have the urge... but you are allowed to get upset when he acts on the urge... I don't know what else to say to you but I have definatly been there before.

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

I don't want to say to break it off... Maybe he needs some positive influence about stopping.. My husband's a recovering alcoholic (almost 6 months sober) and it's really hard for him. You have people who constantly pressure then to do it. Maybe suggest going to an outpatient rehab for it. My husband would hide his drinking from me all the time and then lie about it when he got caught. I always said to him "I wouldn't be so upset if you hadn't lied." Maybe it's more that he lied then actually doing it? You're hurt and disappointed right now. Maybe offer to be his support system when he is offered to do it. To call you when he has the urge and promise to not get upset w/him if he does have the urge... but you are allowed to get upset when he acts on the urge... I don't know what else to say to you but I have definatly been there before.

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I've done this - I've told him that if he needs anything - call me, if your around it and need to get away, call me - I'll come get you.

I've done all I thought I should to help him. So much for the 'friends' I thought were there for him and helping him quit

I understand its hard - but you would think that being with me and knowing that I would get upset if he lied would mean something to him?

Alot of times it doesn't, they are more addicted to the drugs and so much so that it takes over their entire existance. Relationships, truth, trust it means nothing.

And the fact that he's been lying to you the entire time well, you have had your trust called into question and to be quite frank and hopefully not too pushy, I feel as though trust is paramount in any relationship, without it a true and wonderful relationship can never exist.

It's a tough call for you because your heart is on the line and I know all to well how that feels but deeper to the point, being from a toxic family and also experiancing a toxic marriage in the past (this is my second marriage). It's hard to just make the decision whether or not to walk away.

I can't tell you which way you should go, all I can say is listen to what your heart and what your head is telling you. Do you feel like you could trust him again? The answer to that question would probably solve the entire thing for you.

Originally Posted by babyharley

I've done this - I've told him that if he needs anything - call me, if your around it and need to get away, call me - I'll come get you.

I've done all I thought I should to help him. So much for the 'friends' I thought were there for him and helping him quit

I understand its hard - but you would think that being with me and knowing that I would get upset if he lied would mean something to him?

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I know this is no excuse for it but when someone has an addiction they really mean it when they say they will stop.... until the next time... He probably lies for the same reason my husband lied about it. He's knows its wrong, he knows you wouldn't like it and knew you would get upset and it would make him feel guilty for doing it and he doesn't want to feel guilty... he just want's to do it and to keep from feeling guilty he lies about it. It's nothing you did... at all.. Please know that... As bad as it sounds, they can't/won't stop until they want to... or until something "tragic" happens caused by the addiction. It took mine getting a DUI in the company truck and ended up having to work and slave in the hot sun with a nasty hangover instead of driving around in a cool shaded truck, to stop... and when he did, I was there for him.. to help him... it wasn't and isn't easy but I was. He battles with it everyday..It's one step at a time.


Oh and might I add the old cliche: We hurt the one's we love the most.

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

I know this is no excuse for it but when someone has an addiction they really mean it when they say they will stop.... until the next time... He probably lies for the same reason my husband lied about it. He's knows its wrong, he knows you wouldn't like it and knew you would get upset and it would make him feel guilty for doing it and he doesn't want to feel guilty... he just want's to do it and to keep from feeling guilty he lies about it. It's nothing you did... at all.. Please know that... As bad as it sounds, they can't/won't stop until they want to... or until something "tragic" happens caused by the addiction. It took mine getting a DUI in the company truck and ended up having to work and slave in the hot sun with a nasty hangover instead of driving around in a cool shaded truck, to stop... and when he did, I was there for him.. to help him... it wasn't and isn't easy but I was. He battles with it everyday..It's one step at a time.

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I know I shouldn't feel like its my fault - but I do, beacuse I feel as though I wasn't important enuf to need to care about.

That element of doubt will always be there now, you have to make a serious life choice

It's not your fault....not at all.

It's the drugs.....they change a person but that doesn't mean well....

It is no reflection on how important you are and how important it is to care for you.

Originally Posted by Scratchies

That element of doubt will always be there now, you have to make a serious life choice

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Your right -the element of doubt is there, for sure - very strong. I don't even want to talk to him or look at him. I am just so seriously heartbroken. I never thought he would do this to me.

I told him that I don't want to have children with him in the future if he's going to be doing this - I don't ever want to bring children into a situation like that, or to be around someone who's into doing that.

I love him, but is the heartache worth it? I have so much soul searching to do, its unreal how hurt I am

I don't know if you are religious or not, but if you are pray to whomever it is you pray to. Let the higher power you follow (and that's my p.c. quip cause I'm Christian) guide you.

Easier said than done I know. And look deep inside yourself and try to understand where you want to go from here for your own well being and your own future.

((((hugs))))

Huns i dont mean it in a harsh way, but you cannot get somebody to promise such a thing in the first place.
Its just like talking to an alcoholic "please promise me to stop" they say okay i promise and as soon as you turn your back they are at it again.

People with addictions are great liars, being with my mother since birth i can tell right away even if she took one sip of alcohol.
With time, even you will master at detecting his lies, but that is after so many years of heart ache.

Now you will always be scared that he is off smoking some more or doing harder things, you need to look at it in a few different point of views before making the decisions to break it off.

And no the heartache isnt worth it, the right man for you will never make you cry or give you heart ache

I've seen this exact thing ruin so many relationships. In my opinion? It's just not worth it. *hugs*

All of the research indicates that smoking marijuana is NOT addictive. I believe it is more of a habit than a chemical addiction. My husband used to smoke quite often, but said once he put it down he never missed it. If he is trying to excuse himself by saying he is fighting an addiction, I would show him some of the research that indicates otherwise.

The real issue is trust. If he will smoke pot behind your back, what else is he willing to do thinking "oh, its not such a big deal."

I am sooo sorry about your heartbreak, violation of trust is always so devastating.

I'd much rather be with someone who smokes pot on occasion than with someone who even touches booze, and I'm talking even the occasional social drink. I personally don't want anyone in my life who drinks anything stronger than coffee. However, although I don't like it, I would accept him doing pot occasionally. It's funny....how we accept someone who has a beer now and then, and who drinks socially, but it's a big taboo to smoke pot. I think drinking even the smallest amount of booze is the most disgusting habit in the world, and it's far more addictive than pot, and far messier and sloppier.

I wouldn't appreciate the lying, though. I would find that I could NEVER trust him again, because of it, and I would have major second thoughts about him, because he hasn't been honest with you. However, I don't think pot is anywhere near as bad as drinking.

Originally Posted by AnnasMom

The real issue is trust. If he will smoke pot behind your back, what else is he willing to do thinking "oh, its not such a big deal."

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And especially if he is hanging out with others who are encouraging him to smoke pot...when several people are impaired, could he make other mistakes too? I'm not saying he already has, I'm just saying if this continues, in the future. And you are right...as it stands he can't be a good father.

I'm so sorry MacKenzie! You are worth much more than this! Life will be much easier for you if you are with someone who is truly drug free. But only you can make the decision.

Originally Posted by HopeHacker

I'd much rather be with someone who smokes pot on occasion than with someone who even touches alchohal, and I'm talking even the occasional social drink. I personally don't want anyone in my life who drinks anything stronger than coffee. However, although I don't like it, I would accept him doing pot occasionally. It's funny....how we accept someone who has a beer now and then, and who drinks socially, but it's a big taboo to smoke pot. I think drinking even the smallest amount of booze is the most disgusting habit in the world, and it's far more addictive than pot, and far messier and sloppier.

I wouldn't appreciate the lying, though. However, I don't think pot is anywhere near as bad as drinking.

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I TOTALLY second that!

The fact that he has been lying to you for this long would be the final straw for me if I was you.

I would walk away while there are still no children involved.

As hard as it is, I think you would be better off.

I'm so sorry that you are going through such a hard time at the moment - Just remember that we are always here to talk to.