help! This is a serious topic

Hello
as some of you know my little brother came to visit me and he is 15 years old. He came on thursday and its only saturday. Now I know this topic has nothing to do with cats but I thought that maybe I could get some kind of support or advice or something any thing......
I think my brother is gay. The family members that he met have asked me my boyfriend asked me and I am asking my self is he gay? i am like 99% sure that he is. This is why:
-I saw that he was texting a boy and it started off hey sexy ( i then decided to mind my own business)
-I havent seen him check out girls only a few dudes
-He told my boyfriend that he was a sexy beast (when no one was around)
-I caught him checking out my boyfriend when he had no shirt on
-He walks and talks and acts a lil like a girl (he hasnt had a father figure in his life only females his father is an a hole and all the men in his life used to beat him)
I dont want any of you guys to think that if he is gay that i wont like him or any thing because thats not the case I will still love him and will still treat him the same its just i never thought that this would happen. Does any one have any advice or anything?

I'm glad to hear that his sexual orientation won't change the way you feel about your brother, you sound like such an open, loving big sister. My only advice for you is to support him and let him know you are there to listen.

I agree, its great that his preference wont change how you feel, I do have one piece of advice. Don't assume anything. He is 15, its a very impressionable and insecure time. If I were you, I wouldn't treat him any differently to how you already do. If he isn't gay, and he finds out you think he is, it may completely shatter his confidence. I wouldn't worry about it. Just go on treating him as the brother you know and love and let nature take its course. Good luck.

This is a touchy subject.At 15 he himself is probaby unsure of his own sexuality.His behavior as you have described does tend to probably make you and others think that maybe he is . I'm sure if he is its much harder on him at this age then it is for you to accept.For any family this is hard to accept.If he is then thats what he was meant to be. Just enjoy your time together and love him.
I myself wouldn't bring this subject up with him.If he does himself then be open and caring with him. That you accept him and love him.Let him know it doesn't matter to you what his preference is.

If your brother is gay there are several things that you can do: 1. Support him in every way possible. Being gay in highschool is one of the hardest things in the world to do. 2. Let him talk about it. Most younger gay people feel very alone and it can lead to depression. 3. You may want to join a group like PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesibans and Gays). They have support groups for family members who just have questions and want to talk about it. Above all else let him be who he is, not who you want him to be.

I agree about leaving the topic unmentioned, but make yourself available and nonjudgemental just incase he does want to talk about it and needs someone. Who knows at that age, but do your best to be just the way you already are, a loving and open-minded sister. If he is, it doesn't mean that he isn't exactly the same person you've always seen him as. Embrace his differences, our differences make us unique. Best of luck!

I agree with everyone above. And don't have too much else to add that hasn't already been said.

If you remain open and supportive of him, and he doesn't sense any judgement from you, then if he is gay he will be more likely to be able to be open with you.

People can't help their sexual orientation it isn't always about upbringing though you said he's had an unstable family life (father wise) and that can make one have difficulty figuring out who they are inside.

Just give him all the love and support you've always given him. Best of luck.

First of all let me thanks everyone who took the time to read my situation and offer a little bit of their advice, I appreciate it!!! My little brother knows that he can talk to me about anything and he usually talks to me about everything! And if he is gay its beyond me why he hasnt talked to me about it. I always tell him that he can talk to me about ANYTHING and that no matter what me and him talk about it stays between us and that I would never treat him different. I just... I have always been the mother figure in his life and me and him have been threw so much that this was the last thing I would be suspecting ya know? I have gay friends and all that so I know I wont treat him any different. I will be honest though I feel like I messed up some where or something and I am a lil disappointed, I didnt want a gay brother, but if he is gay then I will accept him no matter what I wouldnt try and change him or anything. Thank you all very much, I will deffinately enjoy our time here together I am aleady having a blast with him I will be posting pics later if any one would like to see!! Thanks again for the advice

You're doing the right things. Just be supportive of him. Don't think you messed up anywhere because you didn't. These things are meant to be in life. I would be very careful of who he is talking to on the internet too. There are SO many dangerous people out there preying on young, defensless insecure young men like him.

Give him lots of love and support if he does decide to open up to you. He is probly very afraid to open up about it right now.....thats not something that is easy to talk about to anyone, I am sure. Best of luck hun!!

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

You're doing the right things. Just be supportive of him. Don't think you messed up anywhere because you didn't. These things are meant to be in life. I would be very careful of who he is talking to on the internet too. There are SO many dangerous people out there preying on young, defensless insecure young men like him.

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That is true. Be sure he understands that he should never try to meet someone he talks to on-line!

I think letting him be the first one to discuss it with you is a great idea. Is your bf able to talk to him? I'd say if he feels comfortable, and your brother makes another comment, that would be an opening for your bf to talk to him. It sounds like all the other men in his life have been losers, so your bf would be a good choice to offer feedback.

I think honesty is best. If it turns out he is gay, at some point let him know you totally support him, but also feel a little sad about it. The best way to teach him openness and honesty is to show it to him. As for failing him, it sounds like he has been abused by several people in his life. The person who brought abusive men into your life and your brothers life hold some responsibility. (Not for "making" him gay, if he is, but for allowing harm to come to her kids.) It sounds like you have done your best to help him in a difficult situation.

I once had a psychiatric patient, lets call her Sue, who's parents abused her 2 y/o, when they were babysitting the child. Turns out Sue was the baby of her family, and all the older kids were severely abused. But when Sue was born, they all managed to prevent the parents from abusing little Sue. So she did not realize her parents were so horrible until they harmed her child. It is amazing what a difference a caring older sibling can make in the life of a younger sibling! People like you help stop the cycle of abuse!

Best of luck with your brother. Maybe you can come up with a line to reply when people ask if you think he is gay. Something that will cut off the speculation...I can't think of anything, but I'm sure someone here will come up with something!

I agree with what Beckiboo was saying. I have an older sister who you sound alot like, and when she found out what had happened to me she said she wished it had happened to her first because then she wouldn't have let it happen to me. Anyway.

I think the best way to handle the situation is certainly not by just asking him if he's gay straightout and letting him bring it up first, however, no matter what else he is willing to talk to you about you can't assume that he knows how you feel about this topic. The coming-out process may indeed be impossible for him at this age, and that may be a good thing.

You do need to make sure he knows you won't be judgemental of him, or will try your best not to make him feel like you "never wanted a gay brother". Do you have any gay friends? Even if you made up a story it might be okay (and certainly a white lie) like you could take your brother out with you and your boyfriend or something and say, "Oh, I ran into whoever the other day and we were talking and guess what! He lives with his new boyfriend over wherever and does whatever" staying away from stuff like "Can you believe he's gay" or "I always knew he was" or whatever.

And I know you are trying to be very non-judgemental and everything, but I think you need to re-examine your attitude. You're doing better than alot of people do, but also seem to think that there's something wrong with him that you're just going to have to learn to deal with because you love him. Which is a good starting place, but there isn't anything wrong with it. No you didn't ask for a gay brother, but what's the difference anyway?

I'm glad everyone is giving you great advice. I agree with them all.

I have an uncle who is gay. He has never come out to say it nor do we speak of it, we just accepted it. We don't treat him differently, he is still our lovable uncle.

I personally don't think he is gay. Plenty of people say everything and anything is "sexy" because it is slang for cool and they have a limited vocabulary of adjectives.

Well, the last time I watched Paris Hilton she referred to everything and anything as "sexy". I actually thought it was kinda cool.

I'm glad you are so supportive. If he is gay things will certainly be different for you and your family and that will take some adjusting, but you sound like a wonderful and supportive sister. I wouldn't outright ask him if he is gay, as someone else said, that could hurt him. Maybe you could just throw around some hints that you think being gay is ok, like commenting on how much you like "Brokeback Mountain" or "Will and Grace" or something. I know that sounds horribly cliche, but it would let him know you are ok with things involving gay people without saying, "hey bro, I bet you're gay and that's great."

Originally Posted by Beckiboo

That is true. Be sure he understands that he should never try to meet someone he talks to on-line!

I think letting him be the first one to discuss it with you is a great idea. Is your bf able to talk to him? I'd say if he feels comfortable, and your brother makes another comment, that would be an opening for your bf to talk to him. It sounds like all the other men in his life have been losers, so your bf would be a good choice to offer feedback.

I think honesty is best. If it turns out he is gay, at some point let him know you totally support him, but also feel a little sad about it. The best way to teach him openness and honesty is to show it to him. As for failing him, it sounds like he has been abused by several people in his life. The person who brought abusive men into your life and your brothers life hold some responsibility. (Not for "making" him gay, if he is, but for allowing harm to come to her kids.) It sounds like you have done your best to help him in a difficult situation.

I once had a psychiatric patient, lets call her Sue, who's parents abused her 2 y/o, when they were babysitting the child. Turns out Sue was the baby of her family, and all the older kids were severely abused. But when Sue was born, they all managed to prevent the parents from abusing little Sue. So she did not realize her parents were so horrible until they harmed her child. It is amazing what a difference a caring older sibling can make in the life of a younger sibling! People like you help stop the cycle of abuse!

Best of luck with your brother. Maybe you can come up with a line to reply when people ask if you think he is gay. Something that will cut off the speculation...I can't think of anything, but I'm sure someone here will come up with something!

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I agree with this completely. The best way to help him is to be there and to be honest. That way he knows he can trust you when he's ready to talk to you or maybe you could gently bring it up yourself. He may be too scared or afraid you'll judge him harshly if he does. Whatever happens, be there for him and love him- you sound like a great sister, and i'm sure he'll appreciate that in you. Good luck!

hello everyone-
its hard for me to read this thread bc i dont want my lil bro to c it but he is sleeping right now. As for him talkin to people on line he doesnt do he isnt into the whole internet world except when it comes to me and him emailing each other when he is in georgia. I talked to my mother last nigh (her and I don get along very much bc of all the stuff she put us threw and she continues to do) and I told her that I thought Cody was gay she said that she would still love him and all of that stuff I really didnt expect her to say that bc she is so mean but I think she knows deep down that its bc of the life he had, had. As for him calling my man sexy and all of that stuff, we went to home depot yesterday (yes I have gay friends) and I had a gay guy that works there, i introduced the two and later on that night I asked my lil bro what he thought of him and he said that he was cute and that he was his type, I wasnt expecting that, lol. I dont know if he was being honest or if he was being sarcastic. But I said that my gay friend was awesome and that he was one of my closes friends. As for asking him some of you say to wait for him to bring it up and some of you say that I should ask him. All of my life I always reassured him that he could come and talk to me about anything and that I would never judge him. My mom, bf, and aunt and gma think that I should say one last time to him that he can talk to me about anything and I wont judge him and then later that day or whatever just sit him down and say hey you know that i will love you no matter what and will always support you in anything that you do in life and i will always have your back, but you have made some remarks and lil bro if you want you can tell me bc I want to be able to be the one you can talk to about anything but do you think you are gay? SOmething to that nature my brother and I have always been able to talk about anything and I think he knows that I love him and I hope he know that I will support him in anything that he does. shoot he is awake i gotta go i will post more later tonight i will try we are going to nyc today we are all excited!!!!
ps
everyone thank you so much in all the advice you are giving me it is helpin me alot!!!!!!!

Originally Posted by kittyprincess

but I think she knows deep down that its bc of the life he had, had.

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it's great that you're going to be supportive of him, and that you won't treat him any differently just wanted to say, though, that people are gay because they're born gay, it's not because of the life that he had. plenty of people grow up abused and are straight...plenty of people grow up NOT abused and are gay. It's inborn, it's not that something happens and "makes" you that way.

i have a cousin who is gay, and everyone knew he was g oing to be gay when he was about four years old! he's about my age, and i remember playing at family gatherings-i'd be with all the girls playing house, playing with dolls and putting ribbons in our hair, and all the boys would be playing with trucks and rough-housing-except for my cousin. he'd be with us girls, getting ribbons in his hair and no, not cos we forced him-cos that's what he wanted to do. he also had a feminine way about him from an early age. not all gay men are effeminate though, there are plenty who you'd never know are gay. my point is we could tell really early with him (and his parents were normal and didn't abuse him), so...you're born that way. and as you know, there's nothing wrong with being gay

(this isn't directed at you) really, there's so much hate in this world, so many serious problems, i'll never understand why people have an issue with who other people love. if two people love eachother, what does their gender matter?

My lil bro is takin a nap and I havent talked to him yet about being gay. Last night he was up pretty late talkin to a boy and the boy called my phone at almost 3 am I was awake i wasnt mean to the boy i was actually very nice. Well My lil bro is takin a nap now and he is very secretive with his cell phone well it was kinda just chillen so I picked it up and went through it. And Big Sexy is His "friends" name and they were talkin the way 15 year old boys arent supposed to b talkin to each other. I cried to my boyfriend and he told me that I need to talk to him. he is awake gotta go

People here have given great advice. My sister told me she was gay a few years ago, I had suspected ever since she was very young that she would be gay and so I was prepared for it when she came out and I don't see her as my gay sister, she is just my sister, who happens to be gay. She is happy with a lovely, gorgeous brazilian girl and I am happy for her.
The most important thing for your brother is that he is happy with himself and who he is and that he has all the support he needs.