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Attention Happily Married people...

post #1 of 35
Thread Starter 
What is it like? How do you feel about your spouse? What are your general thoughts on a successful marriage. I'm very curious for some reason, as I don't see myself getting married and I don't know why.
post #2 of 35
There are two websites I visit daily. They really help me with my marriage.


I feel my spouse is a bit annoying at times, but he is a very good man. He is deeply loved by my cats and he is extremely good with children. Sometimes I feel a bit aggrevated because he is not in grad school yet, but that will soon change.
post #3 of 35
This sounds cheesy but we really are best friends! We began our relationship as friends, so I think that helps. I'm a bit high-strung, he's laid back (sometimes to the point of frustrating me), but I think we compliment each other. Really actions speak louder than word. I stay home with the kids but my husband and I split housework and cooking 50/50. No conversation it just happened. I"m a stay at home mom not a housewife. His implicit understanding of that is what makes me love him more every day!
post #4 of 35
Yeah my husband actually does most (if not all) of the housework in this house. We have some kind of role reversal thing going on.
post #5 of 35
This is my second marriage. I totally totally love my husband, and he loves me, too. It is like spending the rest of my life with my best friend. Neither of us picks at the other, or holds grudges. Its not so much that either one of us is perfect, but we both think we "married up". I still feel fortunate to have him in my life, and try to let him know it.

We kiss every time we say goodbye. On the phone, we say "I love you" before hanging up. In his eyes, I am beautiful. We both planned to be married to each other "as long as we both shall live".

When we met, I was divorced and certainly never planned on getting married again, because I knew I would never meet the right guy. He never planned to marry, because he didn't want to have kids, then go through a divorce and lose them. Seven months after we met, we got married! So never say never! LOL!
post #6 of 35
Wierd. Well I am NOT married. And probably wont be for a while. But have been with my spouse for 4 years. And we have a 2 year old daughter. Marriage is sort of out of the question money wise, and we're practically married anyhow. We've been living together for 3 years.

So anyways-

We've had our fall-outs with the biggest one just recently. But something just happens everytime and we fall back into each others arms.

I HONESTLY now think these are the the things you need.

Well in order to keep love going, you've got to make sacrifices.

Trust. You need trust in order to love fulfillingly. Really.
TRUST everything they do, at all times. Love will come soon after that.

Talk. About everything. Even if it's about what you did on the cat site today, talk about it. That's just little things. Talk about your relationship and where it stands whenever it feels crappy.

Fight. Yes. Fight. Fight it all out! End with a big swear word to throw them off, and make sure you ment it. After that, give it a few minutes, and everything will be back to normal, plus making up is the best. Especially after swearing at them.

Support. Support EVERYTHING they do. Even if it's the way they cut the lawn, or the big job promotion...Support it all. My guy needs that. I sometimes forget that.

And most of all....Be a freak at times. For real, get out the sexy little dress and dance for him. Do "dancer" type things. lol.

Anyways-Yea...Thats what I've learned SO Far. lol.
I also highly recommend a book called "The five love languages" By Gary Chapman.
It's saved tons of relationships, if you were ever to run into a problem. It's a very good book!
post #7 of 35
Originally Posted by Trouts mom
What is it like? How do you feel about your spouse? What are your general thoughts on a successful marriage. I'm very curious for some reason, as I don't see myself getting married and I don't know why.

Me and my hubby are best friends, we joke, we share everything.

We like to say we are going to be that old couple on the park bench poking each other with our canes....that's just how we are.

I mean the keys to marriage are the same keys to any successful relationship:
  1. Trust is important, without it you have nothing.
  2. Communication is key, make sure to always keep that line of communication open.
  3. Know that you are going to have your differences (especially important with marriage), cause when you are married you have to remember you are two different people and personalities and try to make it work.
  4. Affection, very key. Give and take....and it should go both ways. Nothing should be forced.

My husband and I made a deal we have never broken, never go to bed angry. After a fight we do give each other space but afterwards we sit down and talk about it.

Another key thing we do for our relationship is have "amnesty" discussions. The biggest thing there is you say exactly what is bothering you (this is the trust and honesty thing coming in) but both parties absolutely swear not to get angry about whatever it is the other party is saying. That way you don't hold back on your feelings and bottle them up. Which can always cause things to fester and get all pussy and yucky...know what I mean.

Also....once apologies are rendered....that's the end of it. What's done is done. There is no need to bring up past indescretions (and I'm not talking about the biggies *cheating, ect*)...basic stuff...like "Well you were the one...blah blah blah"

It takes work to make it work. But it is also a wonderful thing. I am truly blessed to have my husband in my life. Another thing while I'm at it. Once you've found the one...and he treats you right.

Don't let anyone tear you apart just cause they don't like him/her. If you know they are a good person and you know that they make you feel better than you've ever felt....hold onto that and don't let go.

This comes from my own personal experiance as right now my folks would love it if they could tear my relationship apart just cause they hate my husband. Ain't gonna happen.

We've been married 4 years on August 16th. There hasn't been a single night that we haven't talked about anything and everything. He knows me better than anyone else.

Okay I'm done....sorry it's so long winded.
post #8 of 35
post #9 of 35
He's my best friend. We tell each other everything, do everything together. We love each other very much. But we talk to each other about anything that's bothering us and I think that helps. Lots of good communication. Trust is huge and we both trust each other with. And I also agree with Lilleah, fighting every now and then is actually healthy for a relationship. Besides, if you didn't fight, how could you make up
post #10 of 35
Well I am in a down swing with my hubby right now..but the trick is recognising it as that.
I am very happily married 99% of the time.
He is a family member to me.
He is the one on my side
I love him to the moon and back
The sex is great. I work to keep it interesting!
We talk talk talk talk
I accept its not always all roses but down swings are followed by up swings.
I work on the romance part.
I tell him if he needs to work at our relationship a bit.
I create adult space in the house especially once our daughter is in bed.
We have a bond that would be harder to be apart however much hassle being together can feel sometimes.
We celebrate 10 years next week!
Thanks for the website links...
post #11 of 35
Colin and I have been happily married for over 18 yrs! Secret to our long marriage? He talks and I listen!

post #12 of 35
p.s I never thought i would get married either.
Never thought anyone would love me enough..but I did!
post #13 of 35
We have never ever stopped talking. We also don't let anyone else's opinions about marriage influnce how we make our decisions. I met my dude when I was 21 and was married at 23. We've been together for the last 7 years. I think that we got married a little too young, but we are constantly working on being happy. I think the biggest secret for a marriage is to live as simply as possible. We have never taken a vacation, but we have had many a wonderful picnic in our living room.
post #14 of 35
The first thing I didn't know about marriage is that it's work. I had this Cinderella idea in my head, and that's how perfect life would be. Wrong. Life is constantly throwing you curve balls...and with practice, you learn how to play the game right. And if it gets really bad and the sh*t hits the fan you just have to hang onto your husband and duck!

Seriously though, it's constant comprimise... and it's not always easy. It's alot of sacrifice for the other person. And dedication & commitment. One of my favorite things to remind my husband of is "we is you and I, unless your suddenly French?!"

But it's great, to have that sense of family, and that bond of unity. To make a history together. To have someone to love you even when your on the bathroom floor throwing your guts up. To be able to always count on someone.... no matter what, they are on your side, they are your defender, protector, and biggest fan.

I'm not gonna say the magic doesn't wear off after the honey moon, because it can. That's where the work part comes in...you have to work to keep it interesting, you have to "give in" even when your really too tired (or if you'd just rather be watching re-runs of Friends ), you sacrifice.... but it is all worth it in the end.

So we've been living together for 7 years, married for 4 in September. And that's my take on the gig... although I do occasionally feel like whacking him upside the head with a frying pan!
post #15 of 35
Originally Posted by Trouts mom
How did you all know that this was the right man for you?
You will just know it in your heart

I will have been married 14 years in September. We also started out as friends. Yes, it is work, and a constant compromise. But if you love the person, then it is worth it.
post #16 of 35
well said lucky girl
I just knew with all my heart he was the one for me When he proposed 3 months into our relationship. I thought what took you so long?!
Is there someone in your life you are wondering about??
post #17 of 35
I knew my husband for about 10 years before we dated. We lived together for almost 4 years before we got married. We just got married April 22 of this year.

We were friends for a long time. Now he is my lover and my very best friend. We treat each other better than we treat anyone else. We accept each other's faults in a loving way. We hug a lot. I can't even describe how much I love him and I know he feels the same about me.

Anyways, A good marriage is like a 3 legged table. The legs represent love, trust, and respect. All 3 are necessary or the table will fall over.
post #18 of 35
When we first started dating it was like we picking up in the middle of a conversation. He moved into my apartment a month later. I never really "knew" he was the one. He just acted like it.
post #19 of 35
Originally Posted by shengmei
There are two websites I visit daily. They really help me with my marriage.


I feel my spouse is a bit annoying at times, but he is a very good man. He is deeply loved by my cats and he is extremely good with children. Sometimes I feel a bit aggrevated because he is not in grad school yet, but that will soon change.
Smart Marriages is FANTASTIC! I've got Couples Counseling this summer in grad school and my professor, Dr. Vogel, is going to be at the conference presenting. It's a wonderful program and definitely a good source. I wanted to go to the conference so badly but my sister-in-law is due that same weekend so I won't be making it!
post #20 of 35
I haven't been married very long (got married on May 1, 2006) but so far it's nothing out of the ordinary for me. We lived together over a year before we got married. We didn't do this "okay you can move in now" kind of thing. I just started spending more and more time here. Enough time that I ended up moving in Reba (my cat) as well. It was just NATURAL to us. Like we had done this our whole lives. Hardly any adjustments... except to furniture. He gave me as much closet space as I requested and as much drawer space... we moved my computer over here. It was just good, fast and easy. He proposed 3 months after we had been together and I was very excited! To the world it happened real fast, but to us it was just perfect

I will admit that sometimes I just want to smack the crap out of DH, when he doesn't put water in his dishes or he leaves an empty soda can out 2 steps away from the recycling LOL (I don't get that? take the 2 extra steps!) but really we're happy. He lets me be me. I dont' have to be someone else, he gives me control over my life, if I want to do something he points out to me the pros and cons and lets me make the decision with his opinion and mine in mind and doesn't get angry. I like that. He's the perfect man, for me. I wouldn't have it any other way. I love him, and I'm SO GLAD that I married him.
post #21 of 35
Originally Posted by Trouts mom
Wow, thanks for all your insights!

How did you all know that this was the right man for you?
With us, we started dating, and we were very non-chalant about it. It wasn't like "ooh, we're a couple" it was more like "no we're not BF & GF, we're just kinda seeing what happens". Then it went from spending the weekends there, to not going home. My dad was asking if he should forward my mail. And we just ended up doing everything together... and not really wanting to be apart. We never officially moved in together... slowly more & more of his closet space got taken up by my shoes & clothes... and the next thing we knew we were browsing at rings, and he was saying things like "when we get engaged..."

It was different...it was never like a lightbulb went off or anything. We just kinda evolved....
post #22 of 35
I have been married now for 17 years. This is going to sound cheesy but we are high school sweethearts. We met in math class when I was a freshman and he was a sophomore (thank god he failed the first time). From the first day we met we have been best friends.

We talk every day and we have a trust that would be very hard to break. He knows he has a good thing with me because I do everything and I do not bug him to do much. Now we have three kids (13, 9 and 3).

We have been through a lot over the years but I think trusting each other and communicating with each other keeps us together.
post #23 of 35
With Jerry and I, it's truly like the old cheesy saying of "kindred spirits". I didn't meet him until I was 36, so I truly didn't think that soulmates/true love existed. That's not to say we don't have our differences and that he doesn't get on my nerves, because beleive me, he does, but he and I had both been through crappy relationships before and truly came to appreciate what we have in eachother.................
post #24 of 35
Originally Posted by Trouts mom
What are your general thoughts on a successful marriage.
I've only been married for 3 months but I think the one thing I'm learning is to let the little thing go. So what if he doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher... at least he's learned to soak them in the sink. So what if I find his empty soda cans all over the house... or his clothes on the floor instead of in the laundry basket. He does a lot for me and I don't realize or appreciate it until he mentions it to me.

Marriage itself wasn't hard to get used to because we lived together beforehand. And how did I know he was the right one? Well time will tell if he is (I hope!)... but for some reason I'd start referring to him as my husband in my head before we even got engaged. I found that reassuring... that my subconscious thought we ought to be together, if that makes sense...
post #25 of 35
I never thought I would get married. I was happy by myself (even when in a relationship I enjoyed my "alone time"). I just wanted some cats and to live in a hippie commune with some of best girlfriends (we were going to buy an old abandoned school and rennovate the classrooms into living spaces!) I had it all planned out.
But then I met my fiancé and we just fit so well together that at some point it just made sense to stay together forever. We've been living together for about 2.5 to 3 years now. Personally, I don't see the point in getting married as I feel like we already are (we live together, share everything and we both have rings that we've been wearing for 1.5 years, what more do you want?) but it makes the parents and relatives happy, so we're doing it.
I've also found that being with him makes life easier. I have this other person who I can rely on to help with daily life. Just like he can rely on me. I don't think I'd ever thought of marriage that way until I decided to get married!
But I certainly don't think that "it's just a matter of meeting the right person". I think there are people who are fine not being married or even better off. I have a good friend who's 38 or 39 and he does date but never keeps a girlfriend. He's just too picky and set in his ways about how he lives to really live with anyone successfully. And I think that's fine by him.

I will say though, part of why I never thought I would get married before was because I was too picky and unwilling to compromise. If I was unhappy in a relationship, I thought the other person better figure out how to make me happy fast! I finally realized that chances are, if I'm unhappy, the other person probably is as well and it's most likely NOT their fault, but rather something we need to talk about and work out. (or sadly, I'm probably just hungry and need to eat! I get sooo grumpy when I'm hungry!)

post #26 of 35
I knew my hubby and I were right for each other because he treated me different than ANYONE ever has. That includes family.

He treated me with dignity and respect, love and kindness. He always listened, was always patient and kind. He's put up with alot from me, various breakdowns, ect....and has always stood by my side no matter what.

And that was before we were married, it has only continued on since we've gotten married.

He could have walked away at any moment while we were dating like all the others....but he didn't. He took on me and my daughter.

I could see love in his eyes the moment I met him. Not to mention that a older woman at the food court in the mall the first day we met said we made a cute couple even though we had only just met.

He promised me when we started dating that he would fix every piece of my broken heart no matter how tiny until it was whole again. And he has done a good job, though some trials along the way from other people have chipped a few pieces, he never fails to get out his love superglue and fix it.
post #27 of 35
I really never thought I'd get married, either. I've been married for 3 years, but we've been together for 15 (living together for 14). He proposed to me after 10 years, but it took him 6 months to talk me into it. Now that we've done it, I'm so glad we did. I didn't honestly think marriage would make that much of a difference, since we had been living together for so long, but it really did. It's a lot better.
post #28 of 35
Out of DH's 7 bros and sis when have the shortest marriage at a bit over 20 1/2 yrs!!! Its scary that sometimes we are thinking the exact same thing at the same time!!! Yes its a pain when he controls the remote TV, can't find the laundry hamper or empty the dishwasher but I have my faults too!!
We have shared hobbies but lots of time he is puttering around in his "workshop" and I'm in one of the gardens. I like spending $$ he likes saving $$$.
It all works out in the end. His parents were married over 50 yrs before they died, mine are at 51 yrs.
I think when you have a good pattern to follow its more easy.
post #29 of 35
Your spouse can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

This is my 2nd marriage and my husband's first. We have been through ALOT and come out shining in the end. It will be 3 years August 28th!
post #30 of 35
Like some other people have said..my husband (Jason) and I are best friends. We both have a lot of other friends, but he is my best friend and visa versa. There are a lot of things that can make a marriage successful...it all depends on the two people. Everyone is different and what works well for you might be different for me.

Our marriage is successful, because we tell eachother everything!! We communicate very well, and we are not afraid to express our feelings. We have also been through alot with eachother. He was there for me when my mother got sick and passed away. He actually moved into my house with me and my family to help with things, b/c my mom was sick and my dad had to work long shifts. I was only 18 when he moved in and we have been living together ever since (I am now 22).

I think its a good idea to live with eachother before you get married. We moved into our own apartment when I was 19 and we learned a lot about the other person. Even though we are still considered newlyweds (almost 2 years married), we feel like we have been married for a long time. We didn't have all the struggles that most newly married couples had.

It basically comes down to communication and loving the other person unconditionally.
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