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Rules for Cats to Live By
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to
do anything. Just sit and stare,
or feel free to walk on in and meow for something.
If the bathroom door is closed, see below for rules of "closed doors".
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once
door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After
you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather,
rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some
activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand
a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the
book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work
as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so
often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push
pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a
time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay
in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in
progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel
of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four
hours under any circumstances. This will cause the
humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you
have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will
probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around, and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget
guests.
Rules for Cats to Live By
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to
do anything. Just sit and stare,
or feel free to walk on in and meow for something.
If the bathroom door is closed, see below for rules of "closed doors".
DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once
door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After
you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather,
rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as
long as a humans bare foot.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some
activity
and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is
called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering."
Following are the rules for "hampering:
1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand
a better chance of being
stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the
book itself.
3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work
as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so
often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) For people paying bills or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the
papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push
pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a
time.
5) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
Humans love to jump.
6) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across
keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay
in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in
progress.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs,
when they have something in their arms, in the dark,
and when they first get up in the morning. This will
help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move around.
LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much
litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel
of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four
hours under any circumstances. This will cause the
humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you
have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the
humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will
probably get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around, and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget
guests.
