Is this mean? Or am I overreacting?

marie-p · Apr 19, 2006

It doesn't seem to be like he's really hurting the cat. If he was hurting her or causing her stress, I'd be really worried, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

However, if you have made it clear that you do not like it and he has ignored you, I'd be more worried about him disregarding your feelings. If you haven't told him very clearly yet, I agree that you need to have a discussion with him.

menagerie mama · Apr 19, 2006

I agree that it's not very nice. For some reason every guy I know likes to torment cats..(except for meybe the ones on here)....not cool.

momof3rugratz · Apr 19, 2006

I am going to see how many males are on this site.

squirtle · Apr 19, 2006

I don't think your overreacting, but I also have a feeling your bf is a good guy and doesn't realize how upset you really are with this. I think he sounds like a guy who has the "it's just a silly cat" idea. My fiance is like that but has come around so much over the past couple of years though. He loves Dori but thinks I go way overboard in taking care of her. For example, he thinks it's ridiculous that I drive across town to buy her food when there is a grocery store less than a mile away. I am willing to bet your bf thinks his relationship with your cat is based on these silly antics, especially since kitty loves him "even more than you" at times. I really think that if you sit down and have a serious talk with him about these things he will take your feelings into consideration.

trouts mom · Apr 19, 2006

Squirtle, what you say makes the most sense..Your right, he is not a mean guy..but maybe just doesn't understand that Trout isn't just a cat to me.

Thanks for the insight!

charmed654321 · Apr 19, 2006

Trouts mom said:
I think he just tosses her because he thinks its cool that she always lands on her feet..maybe its not quite four feet away, but it seems kinda far to me.
I don't think it should matter it's only 4 inches away. The cat does not like it, if you have the slightest concern about her safety I consider that valid, which means it has the potential of being dangerous, and he needs to respect that. She is a living, breathing creature who has given you the gift of sharing her love and lilfe with you, and the last reason she should be there is for his amusement, because he thinks its cool.

I'd be curious to see his reaction if you did something to his car that could cause damage, he asked you not to, and you did it anyway because you "thought it was cool." I would tend to think he would not accept that reason graciously. In fact, if he won't listen to reason, or respect your wishes (it is your cat, after all), you might consider telling him that each time he does something to the cat you have asked him not to, you will do something to his car he would not want you to do. And follow through.

I tend to think he'd stop very quickly.

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Ken is not doing this because he's jealous..he just doesn't think it hurts the cat so he thinks he's just playing with her by doing these things. We have a very open and trusting normal relationship with no underlying emotions.

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To be honest with you, I disagree. I think he has some issues. It does not matter AT ALL whether it is something that will hurt her or not. You do not want him to do it, he has no right to judge your reasons, and if you two do have a good, solid relationship, then he should respect your wishes simply because they are your wishes, and he loses nothing by respecting them.

In my opinion, he is treating you with quite a lot of disrepect and giving no value to your feelings or needs. Two things you have a right to and don't even owe a reason for them.

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

She is technically my cat, but we got her together..he got her for my birthday for me.

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Yes she is technically and morally your cat. A gift does not belong to the person who gives it. It is yours, and he needs to respect you.

To me this whole issue had almost nothing to do with the cat, or whether or not she likes or is hurt by this.

The issue is respect for someone you are supposed to care about. How do you think he'd feel if he asked you to do or not do something important to him, and you not only ignored it, you belittled and totally dismissed it. Sorry, he not treating either of you well.

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

I know he doesn't mean any harm to her..I just have to sternly tell him that it's not good for her to be treated that way

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I tend to think that every time you tell him this, he will tell you that it's fine and he's not hurting her and you can both go on like this forever while the one who suffers is the poor kitty.

My advice would be to sternly tell him that it does not matter at all whether he thinks it's hurting her or not, or whether it is hurting her or not. I would tell him that what matters is you do not want him to do it any more, the reason does not matter. It makes you uncomfortable and he neeeds to respect that.

If he can't, or dismisses it, that's the issue you need to talk to him about.

He is not only making your cat uncomfortable, he is completely disrespecting you. That's what needs to stop, so it doesn't happen again in other areas, or you will spend your lives fighting over what I see as the wrong issues.

Good luck!

PS: If that doesn't work, let me know where you live and I'll see if I can find a local vet willing to do spay/neuter on difficult boyfriends.

jugen · Apr 19, 2006

My husband knows how I feel about the cats and would never do anything he thought would upset me when it came to them. I love them all equally but since my cats have no "voice" so to speak, I talk for them, what I think they enjoy, and what they don't. And besides, Brad is one of the guys who whould be on this board!

He's great with the cats and they love him endlessly!
If I were you, I'd talk with your boyfriend and tell him how his treating the cat makes you feel uncomfortable, he'll change if he truly understands and respects your feelings.

trouts mom · Apr 19, 2006

Okay, I wasn't really looking for boyfriend bashing

He doesn't disrespect me at all..I just haven't really been firm about it, once I do, he will stop. He totally respects me and Trout, he just doesn't realize it may be bad for her..he would never hurt her on purpose.

Seriously, he's awesome, I just needed insight as to whether this behaviour is okay around cats or not...It doesn't bother Trout so I was just seeing what you all thought about it.

h~chan · Apr 19, 2006

He sounds a little immature.. in my opinion.

winter hawk · Apr 19, 2006

O.K........from a GUY'S point of view

I'm going to be very honest and up-front about the behavior towards YOUR pet. I think that he has some issues that needs to be resolved, I am no psychologist but I think that my concern is that he is showing dominance and control of a less......well maybe not........intelligent animal. If it were me or if it was my daughter in a relationship with this guy the RED FLAG warnings would be flashing. I don't know the guy, or the situation but I do know that people that are controlling and manipulative in nature start with pets, or something that cannot cause them any serious consequences. If you have asked him not to do this and he is continuing this behavior towards YOUR pet then he is being very disrespectful towards YOU........WARNING....again. Please be careful and I hope that for your sake as well as your cats that this behavior STOPS....if not, find another boyfriend

Winter Hawk

heathersfs · Apr 19, 2006

Maybe he doesn't know how to play with the cat. Some people don't know. But what he is doing now, I wouldn't tolerate. And if you've told him it bothers you and he continues to do it....then maybe you should have him read this post and what everyone has said about it.

It may upset him, but if he has feelings for you, he will regard yours and your concern for your cat.

Good luck with that.

And P.S. It's not a guy thing....my guy treats my cats very well.
And if you have to "sternly tell" your boyfriend something...than it is an immaturity thing. You aren't his mom.

zak&rocky · Apr 19, 2006

I'm not going to get into is he a good guy or not and what are his issues, cause I don't know. My opinion is this:

Waking a cat up when it is just peacefully sleeping is not cool, esp if it just for laughs. If the cat happens to be sleeping somewhere he wants to sit, I would think it would be okay to gently pick the cat up and put it down somewhere else comfy.
As for "tossing the cat" it would really depend if the cat is in any danger of hurting itself, and if the cat seems stressed. Sometimes I will be holding one of mine, and it gives me indications that it wants to get down, I will sort of drop it on the couch and possibly in doing so will aim it where I want it to go- not exactly tossing but a gentle drop. I would obviously wouldn't drop a cat that was very young or very ill or frail.
Hubby has put our cats in the bathroom for a few minutes when they have been behaving very aggresively towards us or the other cats- ie, the other cat is not enjoying the play fight and trying to get away, or the cat is grabbing at our legs in an aggresive manner. Usually the cat calms down and doesn't do it again for awhile. Of course if you don't agree with this, it's your call as it is your cat.

catloverin_ks · Apr 19, 2006

Originally Posted by Rockcat

Yup, definately mean IMO... and immature. Sorry.

Yes, sorry but I gotta agree with rockcat, thats mean and childish. I get very upset with DH when he trys to pick on my cats, and he will quit as soon as I say something.

white cat lover · Apr 19, 2006

Push him off the back of a chair & see how he likes it!

My little sister does things like that...by little I mean 15. I don't understand why. To me, it makes no sense why people would want to hurt a cat.

If he's isn't hurting her, then it's different. My little sister will hold Twitch until she growls, then thrashes around to get away, then until she gums her. She still won't let her go. That is harmful to Twitch's mental state. That's hurting her. When I yell at her, I get yelled at by my mom. So, I just leave kitty turds in her bed.

They learn quicker that way(actually, she has tormented Twitch since we got her...I am finally getting the point across, one way or another).

arlyn · Apr 19, 2006

Waking her up for no reason, or shoving her off of things simply isn't cool.

As for the other stuff, it really depends on the cat.
When Spaz was a kitten, she was absolutely obnoxious when anyone was trying to cook.
My boyfriend at the time, not wanting to get hurt, or hurt or possibly kill the cat, would bend down, and gently send her sliding across the vinyl floor.

What we didn't realize was that to her, it was a game, she enjoyed it.
So much so that when I moved back in with my parents, who didn't understand what she wanted, she learned to slide herself across the floor.
She also enjoyed being tossed onto the bed.
She would climb up into our arms repeatedly for this.
If we didn't toss her, she would climb onto our shoulders and launch herself repeatedly onto the bed.

However, if his behavior towards your cat bothers you, you should really just sit down and talk with (not to) him about it.
I would think that if he has any respect for you at all, he will take your words to heart.

blueyes · Apr 19, 2006

I think that yelling at an animal is horrible PERIOD, nevermind yelling at it to startle it while sleeping. After awhile that cat will have some bad nerves! I agree that if you feel uncomfortable with his actions and he laughs off your concerns that is disrespectful and immature...and the comment that he made about the cat waking him up so he can do it back....is that an admission to having the same level of intelligence as your pet??

I think a serious chat is in order.

scamperfarms · Apr 19, 2006

since i havent seen any of this first hand its hard to say. But i will say Steve does things with the kiddies that labels him as "Daddy" and that are "Daddy only things" like, he will rub there tummies really fast and they will start wrestling with him. When i rub their bellies, its slow and such they dont wrestle with me. when he wears his leather coat they jump on and off him. when i wear mine they dont.

The cat may enjoy..the tossing at least i dont think yelling at them to wake up is very nice.

I do sometimes gently push or pick up one of my kitties if they are on my one and only chair. everything else in the house is theres..even my spot on the bed.

zissou'smom · Apr 19, 2006

Do not under any circumstances threaten retribution. Don't treat him the way you percieve him treatin the cat, do not threaten to damage his car every time he does something you disagree with to the cat. The latter is illegal... I fit is really bothering you, you need to make it clear to him and explain rationally how he can change what he's doing. He may have good points concerning his side of the story. I don't think, from what you've said, that you've actually said anything to him that clearly lets him know it is bothering you this much.

It is, in some sense of the word, his cat too, as I'm assuming you live together. I am in a very similar situation with my (ex(complicatedly)) boyfriend. He does things on occasion that I don't like with Zissou. But as long as she doesn't mind and she is in no danger of being hurt, I don't usually say anything. Because all three of you are sharing a space, and while the cat comes first, in some cases it may just be selfish to assume that he should act exactly how you want him to.

rosiemac · Apr 20, 2006

I don't believe in yelling or throwing a cat no matter how short the distance is.

He needs to be told, end of!!!.

spitfire · Apr 20, 2006

If that was me, I'd get rid of the boyfriend. If Mike had acted like that towards my cats before we were married, he'd have been out that door faster than his feet could touch the ground! (Then, I've always put my pets before other people).

Is this mean? Or am I overreacting?

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