Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the
thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the
car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and
ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Oh, and when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as
sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to
purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances
stops working I will insist on taking it apart --
despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all
that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me
what I'm thinking about. The answer is always
either sex or football, though I have to make
up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit
your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any
more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it.
Did you remember to pick up something for my mom,
too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and
mean it every single time I say it, even when
it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I
will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me
if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the
radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes
on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every
single time about how Bruce had his picture on the
cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework.
You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning
and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole
show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the
car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and
ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Oh, and when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy
shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me
while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as
sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to
purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any
circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances
stops working I will insist on taking it apart --
despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and
has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all
that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me
what I'm thinking about. The answer is always
either sex or football, though I have to make
up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit
your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any
more than I have to. Whatever you got her for
Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it.
Did you remember to pick up something for my mom,
too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and
mean it every single time I say it, even when
it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I
will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me
if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the
radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes
on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every
single time about how Bruce had his picture on the
cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework.
You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning
and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
