>All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to
>make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
>announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
>real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>
>On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
>attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
>we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
>down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
>enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>
>On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
>take all your belongings. If you're going to leave
>anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
>have."
>
>
>"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
>are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
>
>
>"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
>you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
>enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>
>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
>Washington National, a lone voice came over the
>loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>
>After a particularly rough landing during
>thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
>Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
>opening the overhead compartments because, after a
>landing like that, sure as hell everything has
>shifted."
>
>
> >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
>Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat
>belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
>tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
>if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
>shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
>
>In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
>will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
>the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
>small child traveling with you, secure your mask
>before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
>with more than one small child pick your favorite.
>
>
>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
>broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
>we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
>or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>
>"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
>the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
>to shore and take them with our compliments."
>
>
>Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the
>overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
>mouth and nose before assisting children... or other
>adults acting like children."
>
>
>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
>your belongings. Anything left behind will be
>distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
>do not leave children or spouses."
>
>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
>airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
>attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
>them are on this flight!"
>
>
>Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
>landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
>on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and
>I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
>it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
>fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was
>the asphalt!"
>
>
>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
>Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
>day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
>having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
>the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
>your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
>what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>
>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
>perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
>as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
>
>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
>he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
>The airline had a policy which required the first
>officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
>exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
>airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
>he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
>Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
>old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
>if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
>pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
>land or were we shot down?"
>
>
>After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
>Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
>Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
>against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
>and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
>door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
>the terminal."
>
>
>Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
>"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
>today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
>go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
>tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
>
>A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
>reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
>made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
>gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
>Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
>Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
>should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
>back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
>
>Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
>came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
>Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
>while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
>cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
>You should see the front of my pants!"
>
>A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
>see the back of mine!"
>make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
>announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
>real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>
>On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
>attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
>we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
>down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
>enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>
>On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
>take all your belongings. If you're going to leave
>anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
>have."
>
>
>"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
>are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
>
>
>"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
>you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
>enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>
>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
>Washington National, a lone voice came over the
>loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>
>After a particularly rough landing during
>thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
>Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
>opening the overhead compartments because, after a
>landing like that, sure as hell everything has
>shifted."
>
>
> >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
>Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat
>belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
>tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
>if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
>shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
>
>
>In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
>will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
>the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
>small child traveling with you, secure your mask
>before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling
>with more than one small child pick your favorite.
>
>
>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
>broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
>we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
>or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>
>"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in
>the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
>to shore and take them with our compliments."
>
>
>Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the
>overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
>mouth and nose before assisting children... or other
>adults acting like children."
>
>
>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
>your belongings. Anything left behind will be
>distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
>do not leave children or spouses."
>
>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
>airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
>attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
>them are on this flight!"
>
>
>Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
>landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
>on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and
>I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
>it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
>fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was
>the asphalt!"
>
>
>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
>Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
>day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
>having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
>the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
>your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
>what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
>
>
>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
>perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
>as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
>
>
>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
>he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
>The airline had a policy which required the first
>officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
>exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
>airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
>he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
>Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
>old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
>if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
>pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
>land or were we shot down?"
>
>
>After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
>Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the
>Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
>against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
>and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the
>door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to
>the terminal."
>
>
>Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
>"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
>today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
>go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
>tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
>
>
>A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
>reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
>made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
>gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
>Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
>Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
>should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
>back and relax - OH, MY GOD!"
>
>Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
>came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
>Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
>while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
>cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
>You should see the front of my pants!"
>
>A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
>see the back of mine!"
