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Let's hear your jokes

post #1 of 16
Thread Starter 
Since it seems everyone's spring day is blah, let's hear some jokes. I'll start.

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place:
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."
post #2 of 16

Here is my contribution!
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and
moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You
must park ..." Then the power goes out.

Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ..

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
post #3 of 16
my favorite blonde joke...
a blonde, a brunette & a redhead decided to rob a bank. altho they were successful, the alarm was tripped & their getaway car wouldn't start. running into the alley, they spied a heap of burlap bags & each hid in one. when the police arrived, they entered the alley & also noticed the bags. a policeman kicked the bag the brunette was hiding in, & she said "meow". "oh, it's just a cat," he said. then he kicked the bag the redhead was in. she whimpered like a puppy. "great, a dog," said the cop. then he kicked the bag the blonde was in...and she said "po-ta-toes".
post #4 of 16
This one isn't near as funny as many but its one that has been passed down in the family, a little conversation exchange between my grandfather and his father who was hard of hearing.

Mom: "Do you want more pancakes?"
Grandfather: "No thanks, I've had sufficient."
Great-Grandfather: "Yer went fishin'??"
Grandfather: "No dad, I've had plenty."
Great-Grandfather: "Yer caught twenty?!?"

Hehehehe, its a family joke .
post #5 of 16
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SolarityBengals
This one isn't near as funny as many but its one that has been passed down in the family, a little conversation exchange between my grandfather and his father who was hard of hearing.

Mom: "Do you want more pancakes?"
Grandfather: "No thanks, I've had sufficient."
Great-Grandfather: "Yer went fishin'??"
Grandfather: "No dad, I've had plenty."
Great-Grandfather: "Yer caught twenty?!?"

Hehehehe, its a family joke .
I can relate!! I work with the elderly and its amazing what they can make out of what is actually being said. Years ago, when we had to get menu orders from our health-care residents, I asked one lady if she'd like turkey and she said, "Wild Turkey??? I don't drink!!"
post #6 of 16
Most of my jokes can't be written here...
post #7 of 16
Why isn't Smokey the Bear married?


Because every time his girlfriend gets hot he throws water on her and beats her with a shovel
post #8 of 16
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by menagerie mama
Most of my jokes can't be written here...

OH?! You little , you!
post #9 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Taurus77
OH?! You little , you!


Hehe.....
post #10 of 16
Here's an oldie but goodie...

Two guys walk into a bar...





The third one ducks.
post #11 of 16
A blonde gets on a plane, with a coach ticket and plunks herself down in first class.

The flight attendant says, "Miss, you'll have to go back to coach."

Blonde, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first-class to New York."

The flight attendant argues with her a bit more, with always the same respose, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first-class to New York."

Finally, the flight attendant gets the captain, who tells the blonde that she has to move to coach. HE gets the same response, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm flying first-clas to New York."

The captain leans down and whispers in the blonde's ear. She said, "Oh" and trotted back to coach.

The flight attendant ask, "Captain, WHAT did you say to her?"

Captain, "I told her that first class doesn't GO to New York."
post #12 of 16
This was my favorite joke in the world when I was five. Of course, I also tried to hatch an egg from the refrigerator about that time, so take this for what it's worth.

Q. How does an elephant hide in a strawberry patch?

A. It paints its toenails pink and lies on its back.
post #13 of 16
I got this one in an e-mail today and had to LOL!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I!" And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you bellieve it?" I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time,Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
post #14 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spencer
I got this one in an e-mail today and had to LOL!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I!" And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you bellieve it?" I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time,Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!" Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?" "The Murphy twins are drunk again."




I got a chuckle just by imagining the accents.
post #15 of 16
How come I only know dirty jokes?
post #16 of 16
Don't feel bad... All mine are pretty dirty too! tee hee hee!
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