This is WAY too cute (and so true). It's going straight on my fridge!
(not sure if this is the right forum... feel free to move it if necessary)
Dear Pets,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not mean it becomes your food and dish; nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry about this. However, do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats are actually capable of curling up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out on one end and having tongues hanging out on the other in order to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you in there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order of things is to kiss me and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt...NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this strongly enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothing, stay off of the furniture.
(That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he or she is an adopted son or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
Love, Mom
REMEMBER: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: Eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't covet the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell their children.
(not sure if this is the right forum... feel free to move it if necessary)
Dear Pets,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not mean it becomes your food and dish; nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me up doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry about this. However, do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats are actually capable of curling up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out on one end and having tongues hanging out on the other in order to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you in there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order of things is to kiss me and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt...NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this strongly enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothing, stay off of the furniture.
(That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he or she is an adopted son or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
Love, Mom
REMEMBER: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: Eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't covet the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell their children.
