Caution.. rant!

I'm sooooo mad! Lol I have no one else to rant to and I just need some reassurance. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years. We started dating when I was in high school and financial issues just weren't an issue then. Now that we've been living together I'm starting to find things that really bother me. His mom has been opening credit cards in his name since he was 18, a total of 6 at this point, he's now 21. The house she owns is also in his name because her credit is so horrible. He also has been working under the table at his job of 3 years so he has no proof of income. Now we have hopes of marrying someday but I refuse to tie myself into something as financially risky as what's going on with him. I asked him to close 3 accounts and he thinks I'm being unreasonable. Am I being unfair and controling or is he being stuburn?

ummm..no. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I know you love him and all, but that is a HUGE financial risk you would taking by marrying him. Especially since you say her current credit state is horrible. Plus its a financial burdon your boyfriend is taking on. Does he really understnd the consequences by handing him mom 6 credit cards? If her credit is really bad, she might not be able to pay her current credit before the end of her life. Plus you two would be spending the rest of your lives paying off hers and whatever amount of credit you establish.

I personally would ask him to close ALL accounts in her name before I would marry him. Just IMO

Oh that sounds 'dangerous' to me. If her credit is so bad that she can't get anything but put stuff in his name, how are things in his name not going to be ruined too? I'd be very concerned over this. His mother can't expect him to cover her forever if he hopes for independance and a family. Besides that, he must have had to establish enough credit for him to get approval for thoes things too, working under the table would make that hard. I'm a bit confused by thoes things.

Originally Posted by lunasmom

ummm..no. I don't think you're being unreasonable. I know you love him and all, but that is a HUGE financial risk you would taking by marrying him. Especially since you say her current credit state is horrible. Plus its a financial burdon your boyfriend is taking on. Does he really understnd the consequences by handing him mom 6 credit cards? If her credit is really bad, she might not be able to pay her current credit before the end of her life. Plus you two would be spending the rest of your lives paying off hers and whatever amount of credit you establish.

I personally would ask him to close ALL accounts in her name before I would marry him. Just IMO

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I firmly second that. As a person who's had to work to pay off credit debt...trust me you don't want to! Just about every single penny I have made for more than a year now has gone to paying off debt from a few bad decisions. Trust me...you don't want to be where I have been!

I should clear up that none of the cards are joint accounts. It's 100% in his name and she just uses them. I'm not sure how she signs for him and I can never guarentee that she won't open another account in his name even if we were married. I made it clear that he needed to get the cards in his possesion, which he has except for one. Now I'm asking him to close most of them and he feels like I'm being controlling. I on the other hand am telling him I'm trying to ask him to take control over himself! There's no gentle way to put it and he always ends up defensive :-/

I agree with what the other posters have said previously.

This can't be anything but bad for his credit - and what happens if she misses a payment or ruins HIS credit? You really don't want that if you want to be married in the future

I'm sorry about you having to deal with this, hugs to you

Originally Posted by lizch6699

I should clear up that none of the cards are joint accounts. It's 100% in his name and she just uses them. I'm not sure how she signs for him and I can never guarentee that she won't open another account in his name even if we were married. I made it clear that he needed to get the cards in his possesion, which he has except for one. Now I'm asking him to close most of them and he feels like I'm being controlling. I on the other hand am telling him I'm trying to ask him to take control over himself! There's no gentle way to put it and he always ends up defensive :-/

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Now that is really dangerous! It sounds like she has a spending problem and letting her do this won't help her or him or you. It may take reporting his SSN as stolen but something has got to be done. A friend of my mother actually had to have her son arrested for stealing thier identitys, forging her signatur and her husband's, etc. He had racked up so much debt they may not be able to retire unless the court system helps. Really, he may love his mother, but this is very serious.

He feels obligated to allow her to use his cards because she 'raked up debt' because of him and his sisters. She had him in her teens and struggled to get by, but regardless she does a lot of extra spending that I see as not being needed. And it's not his position to deal with her mistakes. There's always a fight between us because I disagree with a lot of the things his mother has done. To the best of my knowledge his credit is still in good shape but I don't like the fact that she has the potential to open more in his future. We've been making plans to move to Texas, i'm moving in May and he'd move after his school is done in August. I said I wanted proof that he's closed some accounts by then or I don't think he should move. It may come off strong and I think that's why he's resisting me but what else can I do?

Originally Posted by lizch6699

I should clear up that none of the cards are joint accounts. It's 100% in his name and she just uses them. I'm not sure how she signs for him and I can never guarentee that she won't open another account in his name even if we were married. I made it clear that he needed to get the cards in his possesion, which he has except for one. Now I'm asking him to close most of them and he feels like I'm being controlling. I on the other hand am telling him I'm trying to ask him to take control over himself! There's no gentle way to put it and he always ends up defensive :-/

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That is one scary situation. Maybe you don't realize that if his mom racks up debt on those cards, it's all his responsibility. If you happened to marry him that way, you'd inherit it.

Originally Posted by Hydroaxe

That is one scary situation.

Maybe you don't realize that if his mom racks up debt on those cards, it's all his responsibility. If you happened to marry him that way, you'd inherit it.

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No, no lol. I was trying to explain that the situation was even worse because things aren't in both of their names. That's exactly my problem, that if we marry things will be my problem too. Another problem is that I have a significant amount of money because I have an annuity which was set up to pay for my college. I think he thinks that once college is done and we get married he'll be set.

I just heard something on one form of identity theft, which is parents using their kids information fraudulently to open accounts, etc. Sounds like we have a winner with mom there. She wrecked her own credit rating so now she is starting on his? I wouldn't marry into that mess, period.

Originally Posted by lizch6699

No, no lol. I was trying to explain that the situation was even worse because things aren't in both of their names. That's exactly my problem, that if we marry things will be my problem too. Another problem is that I have a significant amount of money because I have an annuity which was set up to pay for my college. I think he thinks that once college is done and we get married he'll be set.

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Ahhh, I see. You've got a really serious situation there. Being careful might not be enough. Maybe you need some professional advice.

I married a man who had no clue about money. Seriously, no clue. It's not malicious, it doesn't make sense to him, and he had horrible examples for parents - they are still both horrible with money! We've been together for almost 10 years now, and fought about money more than I care to think about. Mostly because we don't see it the same way. He's finally *starting* to get it. Or at least get that we can't spend money just because he wants or thinks he needs something. I also have to admit that being swayed by him and having fun (he didn't understand credit, either) ended up with me claiming bankrupcy. Not fun, and not good for at least the 10 years it's on my credit report.

Saying all that, I have to say that this guy doesn't sound like he doesn't have a clue...it sounds like he know how to manipulate the system and learned it from his mother. It is absolutely NOT his responsibility to cover his mother for being irresponsible with money and credit. What you said about what he may think about "being set" with your money if you get married is more scary than anything else you wrote. That is NOT ok. It is NOT ok for one person to carry more of the financial burden than the other, and it is especially not ok for one to expect the other to do it.

Originally Posted by valanhb

Saying all that, I have to say that this guy doesn't sound like he doesn't have a clue...it sounds like he know how to manipulate the system and learned it from his mother.

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That is one of the biggest things I worry about and you hit it dead on the head. His mom does a ton of things that I disagree with and naturally he defends his mother. My mother also has some flaws, mostly dealing with her trying to seperate us. At the same time I can't be too upset with my mom about it because most of her problems with him is regarding the way he does things. For instance when we moved in together he assured me that he was going to be finding a job in our new town and until then he was going to continue going back to his old job on the weekends. 8 months later, countless fights, and nearly breaking up finally motivated him to find a job. I sympathize with him because he's a great guy and life has handed him a bad past. However he's not learning from his past and making decisions for the future. I'm planning on moving in May and he will follow in August after school. Hopefully that will give him enough time to deal with responsibilities on his own. Sometimes I feel like I'm enabeling him because I'm so afraid things aren't going to get done, that I push him until things do get done instead of just letting him do it on his own. So maybe the seperation will make him get his things into order? :-/

He feels "obligated"??? She's the one that had him and his sisters. IMO if she's adult enough to have children, then she's adult enough to handle her own money and be responsible for herself. There's also welfare too that may have had a helping hand in raising them (but you would know better than I do).

I have him do one of those free credit reports. Make sure there isn't anything else opened in his name that may be a joint account (there are instances of parents opening joint accounts with their kids and the kids having debts when they reach 18).
In fact if I were him, I would definitely pay the $8/month to monitor my credit report.

any debt that she rakes up under his name could prevent you from buying a house together, could increase an interest rate when you purchase or lease a car (or deny you from getting one). Etc, etc, etc.

If he is unwilling to close out that one last one, see if you can get the limit lowered to something like $300 or $500 dollars.

I agree with the children comment. I'm pretty sure she did have welfare and food stamps but here's the thing that really irks me... She has 3 different kids, each of them have different fathers and none of them she's been married to. That being said at least one of the kids was conceived on purpose, maybe it's just me but I don't think a child should be purposely conceived without a committed marriage. Another thing that bothers me is that she didn't force child support on any of the fathers except one recently. She wrote off his dad and one of the other dads and only forced child support on the one father out of anger after a fight. That's why it's so frustrating because he's a good guy that's been handed a bad past but I'm afraid he'll never pull out of it!

I actually did have him do one of those free credit reports. Everything looked fine except that's when he found out that he had 6 credit cards instead of 4 or 5 but it still didn't bother him any. He's also got student loans on top of all of the credit cards open but he still insists that his credit is fine! I think I'm going to gentely ask for him to get his actual credit score. His mom has been telling him that it's fine and he believes her 100% without caring to look for himself.