It has begun...But ended too.

I left my husband, too, because of very similar reasons (he also treated me like dirt, but lets not go there!!)

It is incredibly hard to do, I couldn't even imagine how much harder as you have a child, but well done to you. You have done the very best thing for all three of you, and congratulations that you were strong enough to do it.

How did your boyfriend take your decision?

I've never been in that situation Leah, but it sure doesn't sound easy. I hope you can both continue to stay civil about it and move on.

I've been there too, and all I can say is it takes courage, and it is better to do it sooner rather than later. I stayed in a loveless relationship for 15 years because we had a daughter and because I loved our house and was 'comfortable' as someone said. But it is not enough to live by and you will feel so much better once the dust has settled and you can think about the rest of your life. Good luck.

You guys seriously rock! Because I just came on TCS, as I am packing more stuff..and I definatly needed to see all this encouagement. I feel a bit better now. Not entirely...But better anyhow.

He isnt taking it so well anymore. We had quite a quarrel last night, but I just had to stop talking, and go to bed. Because us fighting isnt going to help anything beyond this point. He's down in the dumps more than I expected...when I initially told him, he seemed ok.

But then last night, it started to settle into him, and he cried. It was pretty sad. He doesnt want me to leave...because HE does love me..and I know that. But I just cant love him. It's impossible, I've tried for so long now, and it's just not there. I just cant think of ways to make him better.

And he's making all these "rules" for if I ever get another boyfriend. And they are pretty ridiculous rules. But he says if I dont follow them, whoever my boyfriend is...He's getting beat up. So that sucks. Big problems heading my way, but I know I just gotta be strong. And thank you so much for being here for me...I have ran out of friends. He made sure of that the past year, I've noticed all my friends were slowly dissapearing. And now I've got nothing. Just me & my kid, and my family..who's being supportive also, I just need that extra push. Well, gotta pack...and work in a few hours...ugh..like that's gonna be any fun.

He's hurting Leah, just like my husband was. Although my husband never made threats he left messages on my answer machine at work every day until i had finally snapped and told him to him to stop, and that if he loved me he would let me go because i was an emotional wreck myself

Times a great healer as they say and he will move on eventually, but emotional blackmail won't win you back.

Stay strong chick!

I have been in a relationship where all my friends disappeared because of the guy but soon enough they will reappear don't worry, it's just the way it happens. I wouldnt worry too much about him beating new guys up either because he'll soon get used to it. He's lashing out because he's hurt and when you break up with someone the worst thought in the world is imagining them with someone else so he obviously thinks he can scare you into being single for the rest of your life..hhhmmm!
He will be ok, he'll realise soon that you did the right thing, once he's starting to enjoy life again.

I understand where you are coming from. My ex stalked me, tried to give me and engagement ring, left notes on my car while I was at work, called me at all hours of the night and day. It was terrible. Its a long road ahead of you, but you have TONS and TONS of support from us long term relationship enders. You have made it through the first and IMO hardest step. Just remember you are doing what is best for you and your baby girl!
He is hurting now to. You have a child together and therefore will always have to deal with one another. Ending the relationship in a good way is vital to your daughter. We know you don't want her to hear bad things about you from him and bad things about him from you.(Vent to us and your therapist). Most of all dont ever forget:

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!

I was in a kinda similar situation, I left my husband of "only" 2.5 years because I knew that he didn't love me like he should have, but HE didn't have the balls to stand up and end the relationship. I was miserable, knowing how much I loved him and also knowing that he did not love me, so one day I got drunk (not on purpose) and everything just came spilling out of my mouth, and I ended it by telling him that I thought we should separate for a bit, knowing that there would be no turning back for him. We've been split for a little over a year now, and I got the divorce 5 months after he moved out (my mom's insistence) It was kinda weird because he stayed at the house for about a month after the drunk speech and we still slept in the same bed very peculiar. But I know I made the right decision because I am so much happier now than I have been in years (we were together a total of 7 years) I think he stayed with me as long as he did mostly because of my, uh, earning power. I worked 2 jobs so he could sit on his butt and play playstation No children of our own, but he did have a daughter from his marriage before me (can anyone say duh??) and I miss her terribly, but her mother and I did not have the best relationship and my ex will not put forth any effort to let me and my family see her, so my hands are kinda tied. I still care a lot for him and we still talk occassionally, but we just weren't meant to be married, wish I would have figured that out before my parents dropped a load on the wedding Be strong! Things will work out, they may take their sweet time getting there, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel

Originally Posted by lilleah878

But then last night, it started to settle into him, and he cried. It was pretty sad. He doesnt want me to leave...because HE does love me..and I know that. But I just cant love him. It's impossible, I've tried for so long now, and it's just not there. I just cant think of ways to make him better.

And he's making all these "rules" for if I ever get another boyfriend. And they are pretty ridiculous rules. But he says if I dont follow them, whoever my boyfriend is...He's getting beat up. So that sucks. Big problems heading my way, but I know I just gotta be strong.

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Unless he has been violent before, I wouldn't worry too much about that. Of course he will hurt, and be angry, and want you to be alone if he can't have you. Just don't say anything about moving on to new relationships. Let him vent with you, as a guy he may not have lots of other places to vent.

Remember your goal, to end this as quickly and cleanly as possible. To continue his relationship with your daughter. To give yourself the space to heal and recover.

I went through a divorce when my kids were 6 years and 6 months. The baby handled it better than the 6 y/o! After you get moved out, just remind your daughter that he is still her Dad, and he still loves her. Let her keep a picture of him in her room if she wants to. Let her see his family...maybe you can set up a schedule for him to see her regularly.

It is a very hard time. I wish you, your daughter, and the kitties all the best.

I'm sorry for the break-up of your family, but sometimes there's never a "good-time" to let go. Even though your ex may not realize it yet, you will open the way for him to meet someone who will love him the way that he needs. I'm sure that his threats about the "new boyfriends" are mostly based on his pain and anger and jealousy caused by your leaving - IMO, unprofessional as it is, guys seem to really resent being left, no matter whose heart they may have axed in their past. Perhaps you can reassure him that you will always keep your daughter's well-being first and foremost, and then the cats, so bad boyfriends shouldn't be a concern for him - compliment him on his "warrior's instinct to protect his child" and generally pave the way for a good working relationship that makes this separation easier on your daughter. It's good that you're doing this while she's still young enough that mommy is still her entire world. I admire your courage and strength, Leah!!

I'm so sorry to hear the news. It is for the best, although you're probably gonna have to pound that sentence into your brain a few hundred times during the seperation. I wish you the best..

Gosh, you guys are like counselors in a thread...I wanted to say box, but it didnt fit well.

Today is different. Im still here because he came home from work early, because he was upset, and I had planned on moving more things, but he put the cabosh on that. So, he's sleeping now, so I am going to secretly move some more things from the kitchen. I just want this over with. I want out of here. I am so much more happier when he's not here.

I feel terrible about how he feels. But there's really nothing I can tell him to make it any better. He tried to make me talk last night about it, and I explained to him again, that I have nothing else to say, and he kept bugging me about it, and I broke and told him I wasnt attracted to him anymore.

It's what he didnt want to hear, but it's also what he was pushing me to say. So he got it. And he cried again. This really really sucks. But honestly, ONLY when he's around. When he's gone, I crank the music, dance with my kid, and I pack. It's all great...but only when he's not here. When he's here, it's all like sad, and depressing, and he's always wanting to talk about it.

I just have nothing else to talk about to him. I told him what I needed to say when I told him I was done. And he still wants more...He wants explanations, and theorys, and why why why, and please stay, and what's gonna happen to this, and that...

All this time I've tried to talk to him for 4 years, I wanted explanations, and all of the above, but I never got it. I got a "hold on" I have to press "SAVE" if you want to talk. So today is a useless day, I've got nothing done, and I have to work in an hour. Anybody got a U-haul, and some hotties to lift all my stuff for me? lol...just tryin to keep a smile goin.

Once again, I need to thank you all so so much for all of this help. It means so much. I really and honestly believe this would be harder, if I didnt get my daily "TCS helpers fix". You all say so much, that reminds me of why I did this, and that no matter what, I have got to stay strong. And it's always at the right times that I see these. I have never felt so helped. I just dont know why, but all of this support is beyond my expectations, and I thank you for it. I really do need it.

Oh and you guys make total sense about the whole thing about how he's already threatening my next boyfriends. He's just hurting, and I suppose that's his way of thinking everythings gonna turn out ok.

If you can, rather than allow him to make all the talk between you negative, try to turn it to some positive aspects about him seeing your daughter, and how he can share in her upbringing. Get him to think practically, then maybe he will not see it as being cut completely out of your nad her lives. And when you have a child together, that is the truth of it - you will have to deal with each other in a humane and civilised way in the future.

Good for you girl. Wishing you the best.

Just wanted to let you all know, Im doing great...I think he's a bit better too. He's made himself feel cool..seriously. He went and got a toungue ring, and a new cellphone that sings "Im to sexy for my shirt" when it rings...and blinking lights and light up stuff on it..He's got a new friend, who's a girl, and he's "pimping out" his car.

Whatever makes him happy.

...and it's gonna be summer soon...This shall be a good year.

Now I just gotta find me a good man with values, and all that Mr. Right stuff...that's hard to do in this small town. I really want to move.

Wow, im so sorry to hear that. Remember is you need anything we're all here for you. My parents got divorced a couple years ago, and the counselor said to my mom that it took 1 months for every year that you were together, to heal, and be capable of a healthy relationship, so try to remember that, more so for your daughter sake. One day you're going to feel secure and stable again, just remember to keep your chin up, and give your daughter a big hug (it'll make you feel better, i promise, lol).

-Jade

I am going through the same thing. In December, my ex and I decided to end our nine year relationship. Unfortunately, we are forced to live together until we sale the house, which is really difficult.

Your kind words for lilleah and her situation really helped me feel better too.

Thanks again,
Tamara

Yes...all of these people and posts have helped me tremendously. Im still in process of moving out. It's not so fun.

Tamara Im sorry that you have to go through living with him still. It's kind of wierd. I think. Because our lives our different...but still the same while living here. When is your house getting sold? That's gotta be tough.

Anybody know some tips for the current problems Im having?

Ok, He's just not getting it. He's not understanding why Im leaving, he thinks theres more to it other than i just dont love him..How Do I make him understand that without hurting him more than I already have?

How do I deal with this whole thing? It's not cool at all. But it is over, but Im kinda like lost or something. But I just keep a smile on my face, and go through it with strong feelings. That also is killing him. He cant figure out why Im not like depressed.

Are there any good books to read for doing all this that you all know of?

Im almost done moving, and will only be staying here a couple more days, HOW IN THE WORLD am I just going to leave this place? When he's not home? I just cant figure any of this out.

Sometimes its easier to leave when youre really angry, not being cool and nice about it.. he will then cool down later on.