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My heart is breaking....

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
... I like to keep up with how my son is doing... obvioiusly.... even from a distance I want to know that he's okay and he's doing well. I spoke to mum today. It seems that Alex is having some real problems at the moment. His step-mum is starting to resent him being around and he is angry. He's angry with me because mummy left him. And i was prepared for that. I knew it had to come sometime. But he's angry with his dad too, because he's picked up that is was his fault I left him. Sure, my ex didn't let me take Alex away with me and that's a part of it. But how can you explain to a 5 year old that what you did really was because you love them and you want the best for them? You can't. He thinks he isn't loved and he isn't wanted and I so want to be able to just hold him and tell him that I'm sorry, that I love him and that everything will be alright. The truth of the matter is that I can't do that. NOw that I've gone from his everyday life and routine, I can't just waltz back in and expect everything to be OK again. I gave him up because I truly believed I was doing the right thing for him and I can't go back on that decision now. It hurts like nothing ever before because I'm so far away.... I can't even see him except for in photographs.I send letters, but I've never had a reply.

I love him so much, and maybe I made the wrong choice.....maybe all I've done is set him up for nothing but heartache and pain. I'm so ashamed of myself right now and I've no idea what to do, or say. I can't believe that I'm still hurting him even from here..... I wanted him to go to his dad so that I could STOP hurting him.

And all this time I can hear his little voice on the day I walked away screaming with all of his heart and soul "NO mummy, please mummy, mummy no please don't leave me, mummy!"
post #2 of 14
Of course he still needs you and wants you and loves you...you are his Mom! Are you certain his father is giving him the letters you send? Check on that first. If he is getting the letters, then keep sending them. Send cards and letters, and just keep letting him know you DO love him. Let him know you think about him. Tell him happy things, happy memories. Let him know you miss him, too.

I don't remember the whole story...do you have the option of a visit? Or is that impossible? Is a visit in the future possible? Of not, send a pic, even an older pic with both of you in it. He just needs to be reminded that even if Mommy isn't with him, she still loves him dearly. Maybe your Mum could visit him?

Hugs to you at this difficult time. I hope things calm down for you and Alex!
post #3 of 14
Oh Emma. My heart is breaking just reading your post, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.

Does your ex know what his son is feeling? Or what his wife is doing to Alex, and how she's acting toward him? I know you aren't with Alex day to day now, but you will always remain his Mum. And as his Mum, you have every right to do everything in your power to make sure he's happy and feels safe and loved - even if that's just making a phone call to talk to his father...
post #4 of 14

believe it or not you will always have a stronger bond with alex than your ex will ever have.
Only you will know weather you did the right thing or not.
I sometimes wonder if things would have been different if Rune moved to scotland and you kept alex.

and to be really honest, i think you gave much more to alex, than your ex will ever be able to.. he may have more money but he doesnt have the touch.

Its not really my place to comment because i am not a mother yet, but i love ya like a sister! *hugs*
post #5 of 14
I think you should still have contact with Alex Emma because he's obviously missing you even though your not there, plus i don't think it's too late to get the bond back with him.

He may only be 5 years old but he won't have forgotten you already.
post #6 of 14
Originally Posted by rosiemac
I think you should still have contact with Alex Emma because he's obviously missing you even though your not there, plus i don't think it's too late to get the bond back with him.

He may only be 5 years old but he won't have forgotten you already.
I was just thinking the same thing, Emma. I know your ex said it upset Alex too much when you called, but how could he more upset than he is now? If your ex won't allow calls, how about doing it when he's at your mother's? Does she have grandmother's visiting rights? Is it possible for you to get back for a visit, or to have your mother or brother bring Alex to visit you?
post #7 of 14
Oh wow Emma. I'm so sorry. I can't offer you any advice, other than to assure you that the only reason your son is upset is because he loves you so much. Imagine if he didn't care at all? That would be so much worse. I am hoping for you that one day things will work themselves out and you will be reunited with your son again, and that you will retain custody of him. It seems that both he and you wish for you to be together. You DID do the right thing for you at the time you left, and if you hadn't you would not have been able to be a good mother to him, because you would have been so unhappy. In doing what you did, you were the BEST mother to him. He's just a little boy, it's hard for him to understand, but I truly am sure that things will work themselves out and that you two will be reunited one day soon
post #8 of 14
Is there ANY way, you can talk with your ex and see if he'll reconsider about your having phone calls with your little guy? It is SO obvious he misses you and that you ARE important to him. He is probably angry at everything and takes it out on his stepmom and she retaliates back. No matter, if he is 95 years old, one day, you will STILL be the Mom he loves. NOBODY can ever take your place, and if you are in any way able, it is NOT too late to reconnect. There will always be that {as my Mom says} "Belly Button Connection"..... Do not let this relationship just dwindle away, because you are hurting too. He really does obviously need you, VERY much. I am hoping and praying this can and will, somehow be able to happen. --And the sooner, the better......
post #9 of 14
I wouldn't think of advising, just wanted to say, that there is no way he will forget you, or his love diminish. I can say this from the perspective of one whose father was gone beginning at the age of 3, something I desperately did not want to see happen. It took until I was in my mid-teens to begin to mentally understand it truly was for the best, but emotionally, I simply missed him from the day he left, until the day he died.

Do your best, be sure your son knows you love him, that he is not forgotten by you, that you will always be his mom. Do not let your ex dictate *any* aspect of your relationship - make the amount of contact your decision.

Gee, realized I did give advice...hopefully I didn't offend in any way. I wish you wisdom, peace and strength.
post #10 of 14
Emma, you were and are a wonderful Mother to Alex! You made the strongest and best decision you could at the time!

I know that Alex will always love you! I think it might be for the best if you were able to have more contact with Alex - possibly a regular time at a regular point of the week, so he will have something to look forward to - the special call from Mummy!

I truely hope that some sort of resolution comes from all this for you! Neither of you deserve to hurt over this!

....and don't forget, Emma, we love you too!
post #11 of 14
Thread Starter 
You know I really can't believe how wonderful all you guys are.

Things over my contact are shaky - It's not been dictated that I don't call, but it's what's proving to be better for Alex, because when I do, if he hears my voice, he obviously gets very very upset and he is showing this in his behaviour. It disrupts his schooling and his social life and it's affecting the relationship between him and his step-mother. Don't get me wrong, because she does love him and she was more than willing to take him on along with his father, but I think that perhaps she's finding it stressful at this particular moment in time and so she's taking it out on him unconsciously. Kids are very very perceptive - and certainly my little boy is very bright for his age. M ex sat down with him and asked him why he was behaving the way he was, and Alex told him that he was angry with mumm for going away, but he was angry with daddy too because it was daddys fault he coudlnt' go with mummy too. At that point the ex told him that yes, it was daddys fault, but it's not becausepeople don't love him. Daddy didn't want Alex to go with mummy because he loved him so much...

It seems to have calmed things down a little bit, but oh Good God I still can't imagine what this poor child must be feeling like. I was 20 when my parents split up and I had trouble dealing with it then - how on earth could I expect my son to be able to deal with it at only a quarter of that age?

Oh well.... there isn't anything I can do at this very second in time (being friday morning and I'm still in bed) but mum has Alex this evening....
post #12 of 14
Emma, this situation between you, your son and your ex runs so deep that I haven't quite caught it all. About all I can say is that I'm sorry you and your son aren't together, regardless of the reasons.
post #13 of 14
Aah this is awful. I don't know the background here but I remember you posting about your son before. It must be truly awful for you. I don't have kids but I have been a kid who was separated from her Mum and you do act wierd and upset but its because you love them so much.
I don't know what to comment on because obviously theres a reason you're not with him but maybe one day the 2 of you will be back together. He won't forget you though.
I hope you are ok, just remember this is the decision you made and you did it for all the right reasons so you are a fantastic Mum
post #14 of 14
I'm so very sorry that you are in all of this pain. I am sure that he still loves you very deeply. There is an unspoken bond between a mother and their child and I'm sure that when he gets older he will understand that everything you have done has been to better his life.
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