... I like to keep up with how my son is doing... obvioiusly.... even from a distance I want to know that he's okay and he's doing well. I spoke to mum today. It seems that Alex is having some real problems at the moment. His step-mum is starting to resent him being around and he is angry. He's angry with me because mummy left him. And i was prepared for that. I knew it had to come sometime. But he's angry with his dad too, because he's picked up that is was his fault I left him. Sure, my ex didn't let me take Alex away with me and that's a part of it. But how can you explain to a 5 year old that what you did really was because you love them and you want the best for them? You can't. He thinks he isn't loved and he isn't wanted and I so want to be able to just hold him and tell him that I'm sorry, that I love him and that everything will be alright. The truth of the matter is that I can't do that. NOw that I've gone from his everyday life and routine, I can't just waltz back in and expect everything to be OK again. I gave him up because I truly believed I was doing the right thing for him and I can't go back on that decision now. It hurts like nothing ever before because I'm so far away.... I can't even see him except for in photographs.I send letters, but I've never had a reply.
I love him so much, and maybe I made the wrong choice.....maybe all I've done is set him up for nothing but heartache and pain. I'm so ashamed of myself right now and I've no idea what to do, or say. I can't believe that I'm still hurting him even from here..... I wanted him to go to his dad so that I could STOP hurting him.
And all this time I can hear his little voice on the day I walked away screaming with all of his heart and soul "NO mummy, please mummy, mummy no please don't leave me, mummy!"
I love him so much, and maybe I made the wrong choice.....maybe all I've done is set him up for nothing but heartache and pain. I'm so ashamed of myself right now and I've no idea what to do, or say. I can't believe that I'm still hurting him even from here..... I wanted him to go to his dad so that I could STOP hurting him.
And all this time I can hear his little voice on the day I walked away screaming with all of his heart and soul "NO mummy, please mummy, mummy no please don't leave me, mummy!"