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Bf's mom totally ticked me off! (long rant)

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
Ohhhh boy, this weekend my bf's mother totally ticked me off...big time!!

*Deep Breath*...let me start from the beginning...

Saturday morning my bf and I decided to go to the mall. So we get up I grab a shower first b/c of course I take the longest, being the "girly girl" I am . As soon as my bf is in his shower the phone rings and it's his mother. She was on the way to the grocery store to pick up the ingredients to bake homemade bread and then she was comin' on over to our place. I then told her we were going to the mall as soon as he was out of the shower. She stopped and asked if I needed to have a shower and I said no I was just waiting on him and then we're gone. Well she said, I don't know what to do now...I told her she didn't need to make bread then, we still had some left don't even worry about it. I guess she said, and I could tell she was waiting for me to say that we'd wait for her so she could start the bread while we were at the mall. So when I didn't offer the invitation she wanted she got a bit huffy, told me to tell my bf to call her when we got home and hung up.

Now don't get me wrong. I really like her, we get along great and I fully appreciate the fact that this woman bakes homemade bread for us (note: I've never asked her too, it's always my bf). That's full days work and I always have her stay for supper afterwards as a Thank-You. But I knew for a fact that my bf wouldn't of wanted to wait around for his Mom to show up before we left to go to the mall b/c she lives across town and it would take her a half an hour or more to get to our place, not to mention the time she'd spend picking up her groceries. And I was totally right. When he got out of the shower I told him that she called, what was said and he even said, he wasn't waiting for she could make bread some other time. So off we go.

Yesterday (Sunday) comes and we get up and decide to go to the grocery store, to catch some sales. We finish getting our groceries and are pulling into the pet store parking lot when my bf's cell rings, so I run on in to get the kitties food. We I come back out, he told me his Mom had called and she was standing outside our door. I couldn't believe it! I just looked at him, and I guess the look on my face said it all b/c he was like "What"?!?, all defensive. I said nothing, it just irritates me when people show up at my house without calling. He was "Well I don't care", I was peeved like you wouldn't believe! I told him I actually thought it was very rude when people did that and I didn't appreciate it at all. Again he said "Well I don't care" all defensive like, which in hind sight I get b/c I was talking about his mom and normally I'm not like that but it just really bugged me and I spoke before thinking. So very good we head on home, thankfully we weren't far away.

We get home, she's no where around, we think maybe one of the other tenants let her in and she's waiting on the stairs...nope, no Mom. So we bring up our groceries and I hear him on the phone, he comes out saying his Mother ended up going to a pub at the end of the street to wait for us. I just looked at him, he was yeah I know, it's awfully early to be at a pub. So she shows up shortly there after, and I hear him say to her that from now she should call first, not just show up at the door and expect us to be home. She said well I called and left a message, my bf was like well we weren't home were we. She laughed and said well I assumed you were still in bed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She left to come over with the intention of waking us up by just showing up!!!! I was floored, how rude is that!!! And I know for a fact that also, she left to come on over in case she called and we were on our way out again or gone as was the case, she could call us and basically say you have to come home now cuz I'm here. Trust me I'm not being petty or anything I've known this woman for 8 years and I even lived with her for a year and a half, I know her very well. I let my bf know in uncertain terms that I don't appreciate that and that if it had happened that we were still in bed when she showed up that I would of been rightly peeved off, more so!

Has this happened to anyone else? How did you handle it? I've said something to my bf, and he seems to understand,but I don't want to go as far as say something to his Mom. I don't want to be on the outs with her but ...how can I put this nicely...she can be totally clueless when it comes to social decorum and certain boundries (and she can be pretty rude when she wants to be too). Like inviting herself along whenever we do anything (she was even trying to find out what we were doing for Valentine's Day ), she's at our place EVERY weekend. She's constantly trying to find ways to hang out at our place, even if we aren't going to be home. I'm starting to find it very, very suffocating. But what gets me the most is that I have a feeling she's cluing into how I feel but doesn't care b/c it's her son's apartment too she feels she can come and go as she pleases. I hate how I get when she's around most of the time, b/c I'm holding all this in I become very irritable and testy to anyone who's around me. I hate being that way to my bf, I love him with all my heart and it hurts me when I'm that way but it's like I can't help it. I have come up with some sort of plan though. Whenever his Mother horns in on our plans, or just shows up on our door step I'll be polite to her, but not in the way you'd treat family but how you'd treat a guest. Then she can't say I even did anything to her and she'll eventually get the point. What do you guys think?!? Other than that I'm at a loss... I don't want to be complaing to my bf all the time about his Mother, I mean it is his Mother and all.


Sorry this is soooooooo long but when I started pouring it all out it just wouldn't stop.
post #2 of 7
If i remember correctly, One of the members had this problem too with their mother in laws and one day they left the door open, the mother just walked in while they were doing the deed, since then she hasnt gone over with out calling ect..
If i were in your situation i would say, Can you please leave us alone for one weekend? we need some time to our selves
post #3 of 7
I SO understand where you are coming from! Be thankful that she doesn't live next door!
My boyfriends mom lives right next door. So before they leave to go into town they come over to see if we need anything. Its a nice gesture, but we have phones for a reason. She doesn't knock and she just walks in sometimes. We live out in the country so we don't keep the doors locked during the day. She still needs to knock. We have even been getting romantic once and she just came barging in. Luckily we were upstairs and got really quite, I assumes she thinks we were taking a walk or asleep.

Plus I hate the way she look around at my house when it is messy. I work 40 hrs a week and he works 50+ hrs a week, I just dont ahve the energy to clean up after dinner sometimes and it wait till the next day, sometimes even 2 days. She always looks at the house like is digusting. She doesn't work so shw has the time to clean her house top to bottom everyday. Plus she hasa 1 bedroom house and we have a 3 bedroom 3 bath home so its a lot more cleaning.
post #4 of 7
When my in-laws were alive they didn't come to our house much as there were much older than my parents and we lived about 30 minutes further away from herother sons. As she had had knees and hips she didn't like using the steps to go to the family room-even though that is the warm room with the wood stove. Always asked if I was still working fulltime -whats up with that??
When we would go their to visit-why aren't we staying the night (40 miles away!!) When are you coming again, she wasn't a good cook so the food -lets say eat before you go-they never wanted to go out to eat. They were very established in their ways-just not much to do at their house. Since we don't have kids-they didn't understand that, they didn't understand the cats-there was alot they didn't understand to think about it. So I didn't want to go their much. I bet in the yrs we lived in our house before they passed away they had come over 6 times. It was frustrating!!
post #5 of 7
my dad lives across the st from my grandma and it's always been a trip for my poor mom. One time they didn't answer the door and my grandma put a brick through the window and got her bf to crawl in and check to make sure they weren't dead!! And there are a thousand other crazy things she's done... she actually watches out the window to see when they come and go and call as soon as they pull in. So then my brother and his wife got a place right next door to my parents and though my mother has complained about it forever, I see her exhibiting the same behavior and it's driving my sil so nuts they are trying to move 2000 miles away!!

Me and bf start working on our house soon, which is like 5 min from my parents house, but atleast they can't look out the window and see me!
post #6 of 7
Is this her only son or his the baby of the family? From the sounds of it, I take it that she's single too?
If so how recently single, and is this his first time out of the house? Reason I ask is that it took my mom some time to realise that I'm growing up and that I need my privacy now. It didn't help since I was the youngest, so by me moving out, she had to accept that I was growing up.

As irritable as it is, I would just wait it out or let your boyfriend talk to her. It just sounds like she's still trying to be his mom and I think eventually she'll realise as she gets to know you more that you can take care of him.
post #7 of 7
Oh boy this situation reminds me of one of my friends' inlaws. The mom in particular has been a major problem in this relationship right from the start and the situation's never improved because he won't stand up to his mom: He doesn't want to hurt her feelings, she's lonely and he feels bad for her, she's family and so you have to put up with her... blah blah blah. Personally, I'd have left him already. It's been a source of huge stress for my friend as the inlaws have just walked all over her and shown no respect for her privacy. It's her house too! So, when someone wants to come over (like every single weekend) they should be mindful of that fact.
In your situation, I think you do need to set boundaries and make it clear that you have a say in whether she comes over all the time. It's your apartment too. What would your bf feel if the tables were turned and it was your mom showing up all the time? Do you ever invite people over without consulting your bf and just expect him to be polite and put up with it?
I think his mom needs to learn to let go of her son. He's a grownup now and needs to be treated as such. Her neediness is impacting on your relationship with him, and you have a right to resent this, it's not being selfish, it's you trying to have a healthy relationship!
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