How do YOU do it??

phenomsmom

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Okay,Lee and I have been fighting about this for a while now. I do all the cooking and cleaning and laundry. I do all the grocery shopping everythign "domestic" for that matter. It is a real struggle to get him to carry laundry up or down the stair or take his dirty dishes to the kitchen. I don't mind doing the heavy cleaning becasue he does work 50 hours a week and pays most of the bills. I just need him to help me out more. He will come home from working 10hrs and want to go out side and work on his little guy projects like building a heat box. How should I go about getting him to pull his own wieght?? Any help is much apprecitated!
 

gailc

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Being an "old married lady" (20 yrs ) I hear you loud and clear. Sometimes I think this goes back to how your SO grew up. Mine for instance the youngest of 8 children. Parents farmed so his mom's job was raising the kids and taking care of the household. This gets brought up every now and then!! I can't even get him at times to push in dining room chair once he is done eating.
Sometimes I try to give a choice-do you want to vaccuum the family room or clean the bathroom. Then let then do it their own way!!
I've tried many times over the years not do the dishes or housecleaning-who is going to break down 1st?? ME!!!! Reminding (nagging)doesn't work either.
Make a list of all the things you do-hey put in his valentine's day card!!!
 
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phenomsmom

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I mught just put the to-do list in his V-day card. That might get his attention, or make a bigger fight! LOL
 

pombina

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This is a tough one, I feel like this too. I do all the cleaning, Mark thinks that to clean the flat you just need to do the dishes.
But when I start getting annoyed I just think, well I actually enjoy keeping his house clean for him. I feel like I should. The only time I start getting peeved is when he throws his clothes on the desk at the end of the day, puts his glass on the table without a coaster, or eats something without a plate. He's generally good at not making too much mess, but he just seems allergic to cleaning up the mess he does make.
I can put a wash on in the morning and come home after being at work, then going straight to the gym, or college and the wash is still in the machine. Simply because it's not his department. He would actually probably shrink everything if he did try and sort it.
Try and think about all the things he does do, like the DIY stuff, the car stuff etc when I start to think about that it kinda balances out
 
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phenomsmom

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But we live in a brand new (unfinished) house. The DIY stuff that was there 6 months ago is there now. I dont have any organizational stuff in my closets. They are just little rooms. He does do the car stuff. Change the oil and what not. Its completely unbalanced if you look at what I do everyday and what he does everyday. I am just really frustrated. He would rather spend his time racing(which I am completely fine with him racing) than pitching in around the house. Remember that I live in a big house, just the 2 of us and his friends that come over and mess the house up too. I want to let him do the cleaning when he gets readt but I just can't stand the mess, and stinky dishes in the sink drive me batty too.!!
 

pombina

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Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

But we live in a brand new (unfinished) house. The DIY stuff that was there 6 months ago is there now. I dont have any organizational stuff in my closets. They are just little rooms. He does do the car stuff. Change the oil and what not. Its completely unbalanced if you look at what I do everyday and what he does everyday. I am just really frustrated. He would rather spend his time racing(which I am completely fine with him racing) than pitching in around the house. Remember that I live in a big house, just the 2 of us and his friends that come over and mess the house up too. I want to let him do the cleaning when he gets readt but I just can't stand the mess, and stinky dishes in the sink drive me batty too.!!
Ok I understand what you mean, you're right about how frequent it is. I just get annoyed when I come in from work shattered and he's sitting on the sofa, after maybe only a couple of hours at uni that day, and theres no space on the counter because of the dishes. This isnt always the case, I do come home and the place is spotless occasionally.
As for the friends coming over thing. We have this all the time, we live in the city centre and people just invite themselves over which I hate. We have just decorated our livingroom and it's beautiful and took months of work but people abuse it and I hate it. They always leave the next day without sorting things aswell. My biggest gripe is that they take the cushions off my sofa and don't bother putting them back. Ggggggrrrr! Or walk onto my cream carpet with shoes on!
 

lunasmom

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It is difficult to divide the chores up. I will admit that sometimes I cry "wolf" when it comes to cooking. I'll just say that I have a huge headache and either we'll order out or he'll cook for me. I know it isn't right or totally honest, but there are days that I can't put in 40-50 hours AND do everything in the house.

The interesting thing will be when I go back to school this fall. I'll be working 40 hours + attending classes for a Masters program (2-3 classes). So cooking, cleaning etc, will not be on my priority list.

I do see you're hubby's point of view though. after working a 10 hour day I just want some of my alone time to. Heck, even once I'm done for the day I don't like to touch a computer except to do fun stuff, like TCS or playing games (I'm a systems administrator). So I'll get irritated if I get asked to "fix" something. Maybe I'm in the wrong field...
 

pepper girl

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I have the same problem at my house. I do almost everything, I cook, clean, and do the laundry! My bf does go with me with I get groceries though, so at least that's something and the last two times I've did laundry he's helped me do it. We are making some progress but that took a long time. It's not like he purposely won't help me, it just doesn't come to him to help with household chores. I totally agree with whoever said it can come back to the way they were raised, that defintely has a part in it! My bf's mother never, ever got him to do anything around the house. Right up until he moved out on his own, she did all the cleaning, all the laundry, the grocery shopping, and cooked all his meals. But she says, "well at he always cleaned his own room, I never had to clean it for him". That's because there was stuff in his room he didn't want his mother to find or see in the process of cleaning it, but she doesn't seem to clue into that.
So now I'm the one stuck teaching a 24 yr. old man how to help around the house...it's really fun let me tell you
Oh and GailC is TOTALLY right, nagging never works!
 

beckiboo

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If you can swing it financially, just hire someone to do his part.

It seems like if you are arguing about this, it is kind of a power struggle, rather than two people trying to work out an issue. I know I do more at home, but he works more hours than I do, and has a longer drive, so I have more time. And he does yucky stuff, like barn chores. They aren't so bad in the summer, but shoveling frozen manure out of a stall is just no fun!

Maybe you can track the number of hours you spend on household chores for a week or two, so he can understand it is not just an hour a day...its your whole week!
 
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phenomsmom

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Thanks everyone for your input. I am ging to log my housework time. And if that doesn't work I will start only doing MY laundry and cleaning up MY mess until he starts helping out. I told him nicely last night that I was really fed up with doing all the house chores and him barely helping at all. We will see if that works. If not then I really dont knw what I am ging to do. We arent married or engaged so amybe I will move out briefly so he can see all I do for him... I hope it really doesnt come to that!
 

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Good luck with this, hon. I hope it doesn't come to anything as drastic as having to move out, though.
For me, it's hard because he actually used to help me with all of the domestic issues around the house. Then he got a job driving a truck, which keeps him away for six days at a time. I quit my job, because it just wasn't feasible for me to take care of the kids, the house, and work forty hours a week with him being gone so much.
At first, it seemed justified. He's only home three days at a time, and I figure he deserves that time to unwind and enjoy being home. Soon, however, I realized that I'm doing all of the work the full six days he's gone, plus doing all the work the three days he's home. When is my time to unwind?
We've had many discussions about this, and he does try. Eventually, I have to remind him that it's happening again, and we go through it all over.
It's frustrating, but I just try to keep the lines of communication open and not bottle it up, which just makes a person resentful.
As long as I know he's trying, I can accept that.
 

ollyextra05

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My husband and I share the household duties, and it varies from week to week who does what depending on our schedule. If I have an easy week, I vaccuum, do laundry, etc. The only "designated" tasks are that I cook and he does the dishes, which is fine by me because I hate doing dishes and if my husband were to cook, we'd be eating mac and cheese every night!

There are times where we get annoyed at each other because we feel like the house is messy and its easy to just blame it on the other person. Right now the house is a complete disaster because I've been sick for awhile and he's been working more than 40 hrs a week. But, its more important to me that we're happy with each other than the house is spotless, and I know that, one of these days, we'll both have time and can clean the house.
Usually about once a year or twice a year we bite the bullet and have a maid service come in to do the windows, clean the fridge and oven, and just get everything SUPER clean. It's usually a couple hundred bucks but its worth it because it makes the maintenance vacuuming and dusting so much easier.
 

oscarsmommy

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A little while back me and Trav had to go to couple's counseling(lon story). One of things we thought about was housework. This is a little childish but she recommended we make a schedule. So we have a schedule on housework on our refrigerator!
A little childish but it really WORKS!
 

katiemae1277

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this issue was actually one the deal breakers in my marriage believe it or not... it wasn't just that he wasn't helping me out, because honestly I'd rather do it myself, but that he expected the house to be at a certain level of cleanliness, and well, I'm not exactly a lover of cleaning. Things would get cluttered, not dirty, just cluttered, that's how I like things. he wanted things a certain way, but didn't want to help make it that way, know what I mean? I'm the one who worked 50 hrs a week M-F and then also had a weekend job. He was going to school during the day and then working maybe 20 hrs a week (16 of which were on the weekend, so maybe 1 night a week) He'd get home at 4ish sit on his butt and play video games, then I'd get home at 6:30 and he'd say "what's for dinner?" Um, no I don't think so! I totally agree with the "how he was raised theory" because his Mom was a stay at home mom who did everything, so that's what he expected. Basically what I got from my experience is that if your guy really whats stuff to work then he will participate in some behavior-modification, I'm so sick of the excuse of "its women's work" blah blah blah
 

fwan

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You cannot change a man when their settings have already been programmed
 

katiemae1277

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Originally Posted by fwan

You cannot change a man when their settings have already been programmed
that's what they want you to think LOL.... if we can change, so can they, and I think all us girls have "modified" something about our behavior for a man, because we wanted too, whether it be something like wearing our hair down because our guy liked it or learning how to cook so ya'll wouldn't starve
 

babyharley

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John & I are really good about splitting up the housework - he gets done with work every afternoon at 3, so he's good about cleaning up a bit if needed before I get home (that way I'm happy when I get home from work
) But there are somedays when I like to do a big house cleaning myself, just so I know everything is done


If I'm really stressed or having a bad day, he'll do a big clean of everything so when I get home the candles are lit and everything is clean so I can just relax - now THATS how you get to my heart!
 
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phenomsmom

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Oh Lee definately needs training!!
We had a big blow up about the kitchen a few months ago and he cleaned the kitchen. Since then he has done it hmm once or twice. I guess I should make a shedule for us. Just one or two things a doy. I don't mind doing more than him but he has got to do SOMETHING atleast!!
 

jcat

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This sounds so familiar. After years of marriage, we've worked out areas of responsibility. He's responsible for all outside work, renovations, cleaning the attic, cellar and garage, ironing (mostly his stuff, anyway, since I'm careful to buy things that I can put in the dryer), and the grocery shopping. I'm responsible for cleaning the downstairs and upstairs, doing the laundry, and cooking. And for Jamie's needs. We both straighten up and put the trash out, and he helps take down and put up curtains.
The only thing that bothers me is having to cook all the time, and sometimes I just don't. He generally won't complain, as that's an occasional thing, and will make himself a sandwich, or heat something up in the microwave.
 

squirtle

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Ok, I am definately going to be in the minority on this one and I actually wasn't even going to post.
A small amount of background info that I think is pertinant to my way of thinking. My mother has never had a job outside of the house and has always done 100% of the housework while my Dad works. Her mother, my grandmother, was the same way. Neither of them ever drove a car or held a job their entire lives (err, Mom is still alive but she definately won't be getting a job).
I have lived with my fiance for 7 years and we have been engaged for almost a year. I do all of the work around the house and have no complaints about it. When I say all, I mean all. The laundry, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the animals, taking the garbage to the outside cans, doing all of the shopping, taking care of the animals, everything. I am a neat freak and I spend about 4-5 hours on the weekend doing a deep clean which includes dusting, scrubbing bathrooms, the wood floors, etc. Each evening when I get home from work I spend about 20 minutes vacuuming and straightening up. I like the house to be spotless. I enjoy doing all of the domestic responsibilities and actually feel like it is my responsibility to take care of him. That comes from my mother I am sure. The problem is that when my mother raised me that way she didn't take into account that I would be working full time and going to school as well. So, my day starts at 4:30am and ends at 10:00 or so in the evenings. Thank goodness we don't have any full time kids (he has a son who comes to stay with us often though).
My fiance knows he is spoiled and all of his friends tell him he is as well.
I like taking care of him and doing all of these things on my own. There are a few things that make it worth it to me. When I am sick or need a break, he will help me with anything I ask him to help with. He has no expectations of how clean the house should be, so he has never once complained about it being messy. On some occasions I get a little backed up and laundry gets piled up or something. We never argue about the housework like MOST of the other people I know do. This just really works out for us.

Ok, I am waiting for everyone to tell me that I have set the women's movement back lightyears
 
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