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Help! Cat Aggressive to my partner!

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
Hi there,

I've had Genji for 3 years and counting. Recently, I moved in with my partner. Genji has moved house with me three times and each time, he's been fine. However, this time, he's started being aggressive towards my partner in a very short space of time.

The aggression is only provoked when my partner approaches him, and involves hissing and growling. Recently, he's taken to running away from my partner and hiding, either under the bed, or what's been strange, in his litterbox! It has not helped that my partner keeps punishing him when he growls or hisses.

We have tried to reward him when he doiesn't growl or hiss and when he plays with my partner. However, this has not worked, and Genji is only non-aggressive when my partner feeds him.

He still plays with me, but only without my partner around. If he is around, Genji does not approach me at all, and doesn't play. Instead, he prefers to sit inside his house all day and not move. He's not as loving to me anymore, and it's really making me depressed.

Please tell me, and especially, my partner what we can do! I'd like to mend the relationship between my partner and Genji, as this emnity between them is really putting a strain on my relationship with my partner, AND on my relationship with Genji!
post #2 of 27
First things first, tell your partner not to punish Genji because that isn't helping

When my boyfriend first came to my house i knew Rosie would be very timid like she always is with strangers until she gets to know them.

She was sniffing at Gils holdall when he went to get something out and she hissed at him, something she's never done to any stranger who's entered the house.

I told him to ignore her which he did but the following day she jumped up onto his lap, again something she's never done to strangers, and curled up and went to sleep

Don't take this personally, but your partner hasn't smacked Genji has he?!, or anyone else for that matter.

Another thing is to take Genji to have a vet visit to make sure he's ok?!
post #3 of 27
Primarily, I would say that Genji is jealous! He isn't used to sharing you and he doesn't even want to share you with your partner!

I would stop your parner from punishing Genji when he hisses and growls as it won't make things better, he will only become more scared and wary of them! It would be best for your partner just to ignore Genji - he will come round when he's ready. You will need to show extra attention to Genji, so that he knows just how much you still love him!

Give Genji time to adjust, it's a big step for him to move and have another human come into his life!

I'm sure others will be along soon to give you some better advice!

Good luck with it
post #4 of 27
I have experienced the same exact problem in the past! My Pandi was the same exact way! There is only one thingthat can help the situation slightly for the time being and that is for your partner to ignore him. Eye contact can be taken as an aggressive challenge and approaching any animal when this is happening is trying to force a relationship that they just don't want! Believe me, I know from experience , just let the kitty make the approach and slowly but surely he will except the new presence in what he feels is his domaine, as well as now he has to share you with someone else!
Another thing that might help is letting your partner feed him, but at the same time, don't try to approach, let the kitty except the offer of care. Treats should be given just to make an offer of exceptance, cats in general will make their own dicisions about everything so the reward for good behavior is different with every cat! Absolutely no punishment should be done unless they step out of line as in attacking, but this usually is not the case unless a situation is forced on them they don't feel safe with.
Just give time and space and continue to show your love and things will work out.
Goodluck!
post #5 of 27
Thread Starter 
Unfortunately, he has smacked Genji, but we're going to try the ignoring approach.

Should the both of us ignore him? or just my partner?

I'm afraid that if I don't ignore him, Genji will be happy just playing with me and continue his aggression towards my partner.

I'm not sure if he is jealous, but that could be a probable cause.

What concerns me is that Genji has been behaving like this for around 3 months. At first, he was ok with my partner, but he gradually became more aggressive.

I will check with the vet, but is there any other solutions to this problem?
post #6 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by physrange
What concerns me is that Genji has been behaving like this for around 3 months. At first, he was ok with my partner, but he gradually became more aggressive.
He is becomming more and more agressive as he becomes more and more scared of your partner! Please do make sure that they don't smack Genji again!
post #7 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by physrange
Unfortunately, he has smacked Genji
Oh that explains it then

Your partner is going to have to have a lot of patience because of this so he needs to win Genjis trust back.

The others will be along soon to advise, but i would get your partner to spend some quality time with Genji by feeding him, playing with him and giving him the odd treat, but you have to tell him he can't smack Genji again because it's really going to stress him out, which it sounds like it has anyway because you said he's not as loving with you anymore

Let us know what happens
post #8 of 27
You should absolutely keep your relationship with him the same, and try to reassure him that you love him as much as always, at the same time he will have to except shareing. Eventually he will realx, but when he wants to, thats the way cat's are! If you think about it, we are very much the same way!
Treat him the way you would want to be treated or respected, maybe that is more than just a human response!
Goodluck!
post #9 of 27
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much everyone! i'll definitely keep you guys posted.
post #10 of 27
Good Luck! I hope things calm down between your partner and Genji soon and that your relationship with Genji gets back to the way it was!

I look forward to some good news!
post #11 of 27
I would defintiely agree with what everyone's said so far and time is key!! Take it day by day.... although Oliver didn't get aggressive towards Jim, he does occasionally get jealous... I had Jim before I had Oliver though, haha, but still Jim and I don't live together yet and Oliver lives full time with me so we have a much greater bond (plus, I'm the one who feeds him, haha).... Being a college student in a small studio apartment, I have a regular sized day bed, with a trundle underneath, when I first moved in Jim and I would squeeze into the daybed just fine, but then there was an Ollie problem - according to the cat, I'm his mommy way before I'm Jim's girlfriend and it will always be that way, so he'd get in between Jim and I and kick and push Jim out of bed - so basically, when Jim's here visiting, the trundle bed comes out and is lifted and the three of us can comfortably snuggle in a queen sized bed

So basically, take your time, try to get some bonding time for your kitty and partner alone (maybe your partner can be the one to feed your kitty) and make compromises as needed - good luck and keep us updated!
post #12 of 27
Thread Starter 
My partner is trying to avoid Genji, but I guess sometimes it's human nature to want to play with any pet. And when my partner is home, Genji refuses to come out of his house - not even to eat!

Yesterday was great, my partner was out and I played with Genji abit before feeding him. But today, my partner is home, and Genji hasn't come out all day. I tried calling him to come and eat, and he came to me but when he heard my partner's voice, he ran back! So he's not eating!! ARGH!!

This is so frustrating! On one hand, my partner gets frustrated at me because my cat hates him, and on the other hand, my poor Genji hates mes for doing this to him!




I know it takes time, and I'm juust praying everyday that things will change.
post #13 of 27
How about trying some feliway diffusers around the house to help calm Genji down?

You could also put rescue remedy in his water to help him relax a little.
post #14 of 27
Cats are not like dogs - once a person hurts them, they are unlikely to want to be around that person again. Dogs forgive us much more then cats do for our actions.

I can't think of anything really to make things better. Perhaps your partner was a lot meaner then you've seen and the cat knows more then your partner is telling you.

I know animals sense when something is "wrong" or "not right" with a person. Like a dog growling at a rapist for example. The rapist seems ok on the surface, but the dog senses "bad" with them and reacts. I've seen cats avoid a "bad" person.

Perhaps your cat knows something about your partner that you don't know????
post #15 of 27
I hope that things will improve for you all soon.

I think part of the problem is that Genji can feel the tension/stress increasing in the house since the arrival of your partner and made an association. Cats can tell when you're upset and they will get upset too. He will relax when you and your partner do. So, if you act calm, like it is no big deal that your partner is there, then your cat will start to think things are okay.

Also, if you're paying attention to Genji and your partner comes into the room, try ignoring your partner (of course tell your partner beforehand that you will be doing this). Genji will then feel less insecure and won't see your partner as so threatening. I don't think you should ignore Genji because this will just upset him more but your partner should ignore him for now.

As for the not eating, you might have to bring out the good stuff, the kitty treats, and the tuna for this one.
post #16 of 27
Thread Starter 
Ok, the thing is the Genji was OK with my partner initially, but later became aggressive. I don't think my partner is a 'bad' person, but maybe Genji is either jealous or afraid after being initially punished, and then maybe continually punished in a way he has become fearful and thus, reacts aggressively in fear.

I'm bringing out the treats big time, but it seems that he only wants to eat them from me! And without my partner being around. My partner has tried to feed him treats, but he gets the aggressive reaction!

It's going to take a long LONG time before he comes around....and tomorrow is bathing day, and Genji absolutely hATES IT! well he likes being blow dried at least....
post #17 of 27
I'd say Genji is certainly afraid after being smacked by your partner and like i mentioned earlier unfortunately this is going to take a lot of patience on your partners part because like humans we never forget something like that and to forgive is something thats not going to happen overnight

Just tell your partner to keep trying to give Genji treats as well as putting the food in his bowl at feeding time, but also to try and ignore him, when i say that i mean don't force himself on Genji.
post #18 of 27
OK, here is a different perspective to your problem....

My first cat, Mittens, wasn't my cat. She belonged to my husband David. When I met her, she was about 7 years old and she hated me on sight because I was yet another girlfriend intruding on her Dad's life and taking him away from her.

Within a month of our dating, my husband asked me whether I would look after Mittens while he went on holiday with his family. Now I had NEVER had a pet before but I really wanted to impress him so I agreed. Unfortunately, we both had completely different ideas as to how this "looking after" was going to happen. He was thinking along the lines of Mittens going to stay in my brand spanking new flat with new furniture and I was thinking along the lines of staying at his whilst he was away

I did take Mittens to my flat (she pee'd in my car en route which made me very unhappy) but after 30 minutes, I couldn't cope with her walking and sniffing everything in my flat (I didn't realise that she needed to familiarise herself before she could settle down) and I took her back to her home.

For the next 2 weeks, she made my life a living hell. I would come home from work to find that she had :censor::censor::censor::censor: in the bath tub and thrown up on the computer monitor and all sorts of other nasty stuff. I would quite frequently go to bed in tears. When David eventually got back, I made out that everything had been fine so he was never aware that there was a problem. He didn't realise until we moved in together......

It took a year for both Mittens and I to understand each other. Whilst she never hissed at me, she would think nothing of biting or scratching me and wouldn't even accept treats from me. For my part (and I am ashamed now to say this), if she was naughty, I would tap her on her head to let her know that I was pissed off with her. I did it twice before David told me to stop it. After that, I just ignored her. In that first year of living together, we also had monumental rows and Mittens was always the cause of those rows

After a year, we went away on holiday - it was a safari holiday to Kenya and one of the things I saw was a lioness with her 2 cubs. When I saw the cubs playing together, I suddenly realised that I was missing Mittens!!! I couldn't believe it!! When we got back, Mittens must have sensed that I had changed somehow because she stopped scratching and biting me. She still wouldn't take treats or food from me but I decided that I needed to try and make friends with her. After about 3 months, we were inseparable and David started to complain about feeling left out!

As you can see, it took a long time for us to become a happy family unit and I learnt a lot of lessons on the way to getting there. The thing you haven't told us is whether your boyfriend has ever had a pet before or is even an animal lover. Aside from never having had a pet before, my family came from a catering background where hygiene was king and we were always taught that animals were dirty, disgusting creatures. You can't imagine what went through my head when I discovered my husband had a pet and believe me, that first year of living together was very very difficult for everyone. I walked out on a couple of occasions because I just couldn't cope anymore but for some reason, I kept going back.

Anyway, apologies for the long post. I hope that sharing what I went through helps you in some way
post #19 of 27
Thread Starter 
Pui Hang, thank you so much for sharing.

I know for sure that Genji is really afraid of my partner.

The thing is, my partner doesn't like my cat. He has a pet in his home country, but it's a dog, and technically not really his pet but his family's.

He thinks that Genji is from my previous relationship, but in reality, and YES i have TOLD him time and time again, that GENJI IS MY CAT, and no one else's. For this reason, he wants me to get another cat, which OF COURSE I CANNOT. Also, he keeps changing his feelings about wanting to patch things up with Genji. One day, he's nice. The next, he's smacking Genji or doing something mean to him, and on all occasions, when I try to get him to stop, he doesn't listen to me.

I'm just so emotionally and mentally tired. Basically, with my partner, it's either Genji somehow changes his character (which is impossible considering all the damage done) or he's just going to be mean to him OR I give Genji away.

I just don't know what to do, and leaving my partner is NOT AN OPTION as well as giving Genji away. THERE IS NO WAY I"m GOING TO DO BOTH but NEITHER MY PARTNER OR MY CAT IS COOPERATING. I'm just seriously going insane.
post #20 of 27
I'm sorry but from what you've just posted there it makes me terrified for your poor cat, especially when you say your partner doesn't like your cat anyway

Basically your partners taking it out on Genji just because he thinks he's from a past relationship, and to be jealous like that over a helpless animal is sad IMO.

Smacking an animal is bad enough but what else is he doing to Genji that you say is mean?!.

If your wanting to put your relationship with your partner first then i think you need to find Genji another home where he doesn't have to live in fear with your partner.

If my boyfriend so much as shouted at my cats he'd be history because they were here with me long before he was.

Do you leave Genji alone in the house with your partner as well?

And i don't think it's Genji who needs to cooperate because he's the one getting smacked. Sorry but thats my feelings.
post #21 of 27
Thread Starter 
*sigh* i know. the last time i shouted at my partner for being mean to Genji, I got shouted at for always sticking up for my cat and scolded for making things bad and that it's his place and not mine.

I just don't know what to do. It will break my heart if I have to give Genji away, and leaving my partner will break my heart too.

I'm so scared for Genji, yet there's my relationship too. I just wish there were somehow I can convince my partner not to be so uncompromising and I wish that he could be patient and not say things like getting on Genji's good side is too much trouble for him. I do realise that Genji isn't the one at fault, he's just scared. I just don't know what to do at this point.
post #22 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by physrange
I'm so scared for Genji
So theres two of us!, and unless someone here comes up with another solution, because i can't see your partner change if he hates Genji now, then i really do think you need to find him another home where he will be safe.

I know you love Genji, and you've said yourself he's is not the one at fault, so please think whats best for him

Are you scared of your partner yourself?!
post #23 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by physrange
*sigh* i know. the last time i shouted at my partner for being mean to Genji, I got shouted at for always sticking up for my cat and scolded for making things bad and that it's his place and not mine.

I just don't know what to do. It will break my heart if I have to give Genji away, and leaving my partner will break my heart too.

I'm so scared for Genji, yet there's my relationship too. I just wish there were somehow I can convince my partner not to be so uncompromising and I wish that he could be patient and not say things like getting on Genji's good side is too much trouble for him. I do realise that Genji isn't the one at fault, he's just scared. I just don't know what to do at this point.
"it's his place and not mine." "getting on Genji's good side is too much trouble for him." He's not ready for you to move in. Hunny, I'm already worried about what will happen to you or any kids you may decide to have with this man. If he can't deal with 1 scared cat (and I can guarantee he's done something more than just smack Genji if he hides when your partner walks in the room) what is he going to do when its kids crying and possibly breaking something?? I know you love him, but he honestly reminds me of my ex...who put me in the hospital.
post #24 of 27
This is a tragic situation. It seems strange to me that all this problem with Genji started when you moved in. I mean your partner must have met Genji prior to this if you've gotten to this point in the relationship. To me it sounds a little like a reaction to the "moving in" part. Maybe he realizes he's not quite ready for this, and to exert some control he wants to make you do something quite big (i.e. prove your love by getting rid of Genji). I agree with Rosie, if my partner ever had a problem with the cats then i'm afraid it would probably he that has to go (if he can't compromise). I tell all of my dates upfront about the cats, and how i would like them to get along or at the worse be indifferent to them (but never EVER hit them or hurt them).

Just my opinion...
post #25 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by physrange
*sigh* i know. the last time i shouted at my partner for being mean to Genji, I got shouted at for always sticking up for my cat and scolded for making things bad and that it's his place and not mine.

I just don't know what to do. It will break my heart if I have to give Genji away, and leaving my partner will break my heart too.

I'm so scared for Genji, yet there's my relationship too. I just wish there were somehow I can convince my partner not to be so uncompromising and I wish that he could be patient and not say things like getting on Genji's good side is too much trouble for him. I do realise that Genji isn't the one at fault, he's just scared. I just don't know what to do at this point.
Right, you've been shouted at for sticking up for your cat and you've also been told that it is too much hassle for your boyfriend to gain Genji's trust. I'm sorry to say this but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend cares much about your feelings

It is abundantly clear to me that there is no way the 3 of you can live under the same roof peacefully so you have several options:-

1. Move out and try and make the relationship work
2. Dump the boyfriend
3. Give Genji away

Look at this from another perspective, Genji is your friend and loves you unconditionally, your boyfriend is setting conditions on your relationship. I know who I would choose
post #26 of 27
Please give Genji away if you must stay with your boyfriend, what did the poor kitty ever do to deserve this?

Please think of it from his point of view? What if your partner goes too far in his beatings kills him? How will you feel then? A cat is so much smaller than a human this can easily happen! I mean violence tends to get worse as the person feels more and more confident about getting away with it.

I am begging you please think of your Genji.
post #27 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sims2fan
Please give Genji away if you must stay with your boyfriend, what did the poor kitty ever do to deserve this?

Please think of it from his point of view? What if your partner goes too far in his beatings kills him? How will you feel then? A cat is so much smaller than a human this can easily happen! I mean violence tends to get worse as the person feels more and more confident about getting away with it.

I am begging you please think of your Genji.
I think this is a valid concern. Your boyfriend's jealousy can only get worse and he has shown that he handles his insecurities by attacking defenseless little animals. I would report him to animal protection or whatever you have over your way. He needs to learn that what he's doing is not only cruel, but illegal as well.

You are lucky to have such a smart kitty who has such intuition about people. I vote for ditching the boyfriend. I've been in a lot of relationships and boyfriends come and go. You can't be sure this guy will stick around, and if he does decide to go (which he might because he is obviously unhappy) then you would feel pretty bad if you didn't have Genji either. Genji, who was there first, Genji who will love you forever.
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