I know this has been posted here before....ages ago, but I think it is one of the funniest things I have read, so I wanted to repost it, so some of the new members can read it if they want.
How to give a Cat a Pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of it's mouth
and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
partner/friend from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer
to
take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with eleastic
band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky
compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T shirt away and
fetch
new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little buggers front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be
rough
about it. Hold head vertiically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to
wash it down.
14. Consume rermainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill
fragments from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and ring local pet
shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon Ü
How to give a Cat a Pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of it's mouth
and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm
and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
partner/friend from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub
cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer
to
take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with eleastic
band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky
compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T shirt away and
fetch
new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little buggers front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be
rough
about it. Hold head vertiically and pour 2 pints of water down throat
to
wash it down.
14. Consume rermainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill
fragments from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from Hell and ring local pet
shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
How to give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon Ü
