Depressed.......

dixie_darlin · Jan 10, 2006

Everyone knows what happened 2 weeks ago. Well tonight CPS showed up and said they dont want him around the kids until he goes through anger management... which is fine with me. He can be around them IF there is someone else besides me there... he's been staying at his mothers but was here while they visited. Now that his mother knows he's "offically" not allowed around them until he completes the classes, she has turned a real "you know what towards him" and even though he's paying rent, she's is threatening to call the police on him when he TRULY didnt do anything wrong but go home (to her house) tonight and get ready for bed. Don't get me wrong, Im not defending ANYTHING he did that night but I just dont understand why she can't be a little more understanding of his situation. And I would think that of ANYONE not just because he's my husband. I totally agree, he needs help! But why cant she be supportive? I mean if she does call the police because she's just in a bad mood, where would that leave him? In jail again where he CANT get the help he needs? This woman is seriously crazy... no joke... she blamed ME for the whole situation that happened 2 weeks ago and told him to get a restraining order on ME. Told him he could stay there as long as he needed until he got his own place... NOW she's changed her mind... I dont know why this suprises me, this is the same woman who will walk around talking to herself, laughing at things that ARENT there, and I have on one occasion seen her staring at the floor, bust out laughing, then jump on the couch and do jumping jacks!

Talk about LOONY! Anyways, why am I feeling sorry for him? I just dont get it. One minute Im glad he's gone, the next minute I feel sorry for him because NO ONE in his family has EVER helped him or supported him (emotionally) except me... I am SO confused right now.

Anyone have ANY clue what Im feeling and could explain it? Cuz I sure as hell dont know!

sashacat421 · Jan 10, 2006

I don't think I'm a help at all, because I have not been through the ordeal you are going through, but just wanted to give you support.

What I do know, is that when we have extremes of emotion, up one moment and down the next, and things tug at our hearts even though we are making the best judgment we can make, it's a sign of healing. You are going through a difficult time and from what I can gather, trying to protect the children, which is the most important thing. Honestly, it's only normal to fee the way you do. Just as you have compassion for your kids, you also show a little, private compassion for this man - and there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's all because you are starting to see clearly and move forward. People who live in ruts are many times so full of hate, instead. It is admirable.

abbycats · Jan 10, 2006

I went through an ordeal many years ago with my 1st ex husband . We didn't have kids, but the whole situation with courts and restraining orders were there. He also moved back with his mother and I was totally to blame in her eyes. I think what you go though is a codependant withdrawl when you start feeling sorry for them. I did it many times in the course of 16 years. I don't know your whole story but I am assuming he got violent with you? I also learned in those years with him that abusive mates are very manipulating, and will literally twist stories around to make you feel sorry for them. In the end I did divorce him. By the time I divorced him I had gone through many years of the fighting to the honeymoon cycle, I was done. I know he told his mother many false things about me, and vica versa during those times. I don't know if this helps any but you and your family don't deserve to be abused.

pjk5900 · Jan 10, 2006

PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE get ahold of yourself and remember what HE did that led to this. I want to scream this out to you.
He has problems, HE needs to deal with on his own.
Do not pity him!! So what, his Mother see's him for what he is.
Maybe she is nuts but that is HIS problem. It doesn't mean he should be forgiven because his Mother and family treat him badly.
Your boys do not deserve this, and they and their future partners will all pay for this if it is not stopped.
You cannot keep doing this or nothing will change and he will worm his way back into your home and next week or next month the same thing WILL happen.
"Don't get me wrong, Im not defending ANYTHING he did that night..." I am sorry if I seem to show no mercy on him, but you ARE defending him!! He needs help, and as long as you are "enabling" him like this he will never, ever change.
PLEASE stay strong!!
If you need someone to actually talk to, PM me. I can call you and you can cry or talk,......whatever you need to do. I have been there, and I don't have all the answers but talking it out is theraputic sometimes.
There are people who care here, I am one.

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

Everyone knows what happened 2 weeks ago. Well tonight CPS showed up and said they dont want him around the kids until he goes through anger management... which is fine with me. He can be around them IF there is someone else besides me there... he's been staying at his mothers but was here while they visited. Now that his mother knows he's "offically" not allowed around them until he completes the classes, she has turned a real "you know what towards him" and even though he's paying rent, she's is threatening to call the police on him when he TRULY didnt do anything wrong but go home (to her house) tonight and get ready for bed. Don't get me wrong, Im not defending ANYTHING he did that night but I just dont understand why she can't be a little more understanding of his situation. And I would think that of ANYONE not just because he's my husband. I totally agree, he needs help! But why cant she be supportive? I mean if she does call the police because she's just in a bad mood, where would that leave him? In jail again where he CANT get the help he needs? This woman is seriously crazy... no joke... she blamed ME for the whole situation that happened 2 weeks ago and told him to get a restraining order on ME. Told him he could stay there as long as he needed until he got his own place... NOW she's changed her mind... I dont know why this suprises me, this is the same woman who will walk around talking to herself, laughing at things that ARENT there, and I have on one occasion seen her staring at the floor, bust out laughing, then jump on the couch and do jumping jacks!

Talk about LOONY! Anyways, why am I feeling sorry for him? I just dont get it. One minute Im glad he's gone, the next minute I feel sorry for him because NO ONE in his family has EVER helped him or supported him (emotionally) except me... I am SO confused right now.

Anyone have ANY clue what Im feeling and could explain it? Cuz I sure as hell dont know!

fwan · Jan 11, 2006

ugaimes · Jan 11, 2006

Anger management will not do him a bit of good. If he had an anger management problem, he would act this way towards EVERYONE- not just you and the children. Anger management is for people who are out of control. He is very much IN control as he knows EXACTLY who he wants to hurt.

I just read your post about what happened with him a while back. Thank GOD you were not hurt, but please do not take pushing and shoving lightly. I've seen with my clients that pushing and shoving VERY OFTEN leads to strangling, stabbing, and shooting. You do not want it to get to that point.

You have two sons, right? Most men who are abusive learned to be abusive by watching the adults in their life (most frequently their fathers or father figures) abusing others. They normalize this and it is a learned behavior. To save your sweet boys from modeling his behavior one day, they are so much better off not being around him. Children are MUCH better off growing up with one good, supportive parent than having two but one who is abusive. No doubt about that. If you do allow them to visit with their father, in this type of situation I recommend that he is supervised by a third party such as a visitation center where a police officer is also on duty. This ensures that his interaction with your boys is healthy and that he does not run off with them in an attempt to hurt you (most child kidnappings occur by a non-custodial parent in the midst of a nasty split).

Your husband needs long-term treatment. General numbers say that only about 1 in 25 batterers ever compeltely stop being abusive. Do you want to take such a huge chance? Short term psycho-educational programs are proven to be highly ineffective; in fact, they teach many batterers how to be more sneaky in their abuse.

Don't feel bad for having such mixed emotions. The average abuse survivor will return to their batterer between 7-10 times before they're ready to leave for good. You'll know when you're completely ready to let go of him, both emotionally and legally. Of course, I pray it's sooner than later but that is a decision only you can make. Please, please PM me if you want to talk. I can talk to you about resources, protective orders, child custody, etc. Whatever you do, please please please put safety (both physical and emotional) first.

dixie_darlin · Jan 11, 2006

OK I think everyone took my post wrong. In NO way am I considering getting back with him. I just was simply stating that I dont understand why his mother couldnt be supportive... and I would feel this way about ANYONE in the situation.
I don't think the anger management is exactly what he needed. I think he should have been ordered to go to an alcohol program because he is only that way when he drinks, otherwise fine...At this point I only care because he is a human being, not because he's my husband. I dont care if he was a total stranger, my heart would go out to them, and I would do everything I could to help them helpthemself.......maybe some people don't understand that. Im the type that if I see a homeless man on the street, I would stop and give him food even though I know it's his own fault for being homeless. That has always been a problem with me, I have a big

miss mew · Jan 11, 2006

I myself am no expert and I haven't had anyone in this situation but it is quite possible his mother is mental ill and needs help herself. If that is the case than she is probably incapable of being sensitive and supportive of your husband.

As far as him and anger management classes go perhaps that is a good idea for him to take but in my opinion I would sever all ties with him. Your kids and you deserve to be safe.

dixie_darlin · Jan 11, 2006

Originally Posted by Miss Mew

I myself am no expert and I haven't had anyone in this situation but it is quite possible his mother is mental ill and needs help herself. If that is the case than she is probably incapable of being sensitive and supportive of your husband.

She IS mentally ill

ugaimes · Jan 11, 2006

Alcohol treatment would be great for him, but I can tell you that alcohol is in no way 100% to blame for his abuse. Alcohol gives him an EXCUSE to be abusive ("It's not my fault- I was drunk"), but I guarantee that there are things that he does when sober that are probably emotionally or verbally abusive (which is arguably as bad as physical abuse).

dixie_darlin · Jan 11, 2006

Originally Posted by ugaimes

Alcohol treatment would be great for him, but I can tell you that alcohol is in no way 100% to blame for his abuse. Alcohol gives him an EXCUSE to be abusive ("It's not my fault- I was drunk"), but I guarantee that there are things that he does when sober that are probably emotionally or verbally abusive (which is arguably as bad as physical abuse).

I know everyone is going to say Im defending him but Im not... When he is sober he has NEVER said not a cross word to me or the boys. We wouldnt even argu.I think he bottles up all his anger and stress and it drives him to drink and THATS when he lets it all out.. In the wrong way

loveysmummy · Jan 11, 2006

I tend to agree that alcohol treatment is a GREAT starting point for him.
He needs an in-house rehab. program if possible.

However, I do agree with Amy in that alcohol is just the vehicle in which he acts out his issues. People don't generally become addicted just because it feels good. People are addicts because it makes pain, troubles, problems dissipate.

Its the underlying issues he needs to work on.
However, I am of the camp that working on the alcohol with a hard-@ss approach method is the FIRST step in working towards other issues that are underlying and causal of the behaviours he exhibits while under the influence.

In rehab, you don't simply work on stopping drinking or shooting up or snorting refined chemicals up your nose...You also attend for treatment to get to the root of those things that made you be so stupid in the first place.

As for my opinion, I might want him in jail. He would receive treatment and at least you would know he, you AND the boys would be safe from harm (not simply physical harm but emotional harm that the boys encounter from being in the midst of this traumatic situation).

I would love for them to hear that "daddy is gone away to try and get better." rather than so many other horrible things they must hear or might hear in the future.

You need to take a hard line on this, Dixie. Don't worry about HOW he is being treated. Worry about when he WILL be treated.

Good luck, doll.

rockcat · Jan 11, 2006

DixieDarlin, what about YOU, hon? Are you in therapy? Please take care of yourself.

dixie_darlin · Jan 11, 2006

yes, Im in counsiling for myself and the boys....

I know he still has alot of pain and anger because of his mother and the abuse he suffered when he was a child. SEVERE abuse. Biting, hitting him with pots, pans, pulling his hair, and even beating him to the point of using the restroom on himself. His mother STILL has mental control of him. The only time him and I would have these problems is when he has been around her. I think he has yet and might not ever forgive her and she still has that control over him he is scared to tell her to back off. I honestly dont know why he even has anything to do with her because of it. Maybe it stems from that?

rockcat · Jan 11, 2006

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

yes, Im in counsiling for myself and the boys....

I know he still has alot of pain and anger because of his mother and the abuse he suffered when he was a child. SEVERE abuse. Biting, hitting him with pots, pans, pulling his hair, and even beating him to the point of using the restroom on himself. His mother STILL has mental control of him. The only time him and I would have these problems is when he has been around her. I think he has yet and might not ever forgive her and she still has that control over him he is scared to tell her to back off. I honestly dont know why he even has anything to do with her because of it. Maybe it stems from that?

I don't have the answers, but I do have prayers and hugs for you and your family.

loveysmummy · Jan 11, 2006

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

yes, Im in counsiling for myself and the boys....

I know he still has alot of pain and anger because of his mother and the abuse he suffered when he was a child. SEVERE abuse. Biting, hitting him with pots, pans, pulling his hair, and even beating him to the point of using the restroom on himself. His mother STILL has mental control of him. The only time him and I would have these problems is when he has been around her. I think he has yet and might not ever forgive her and she still has that control over him he is scared to tell her to back off. I honestly dont know why he even has anything to do with her because of it. Maybe it stems from that?

It could. It very likely does. But no one can offer any definitive answers until he involves himself in some deep curative treatment.
And many people have had painful childhoods. Some go on to hurt others and themselves.
Many don't.

Though I am not minimizing his childhood traumas in any way. I feel for him and I really can't wait for you to say he is involved in treatment so your whole family can be healthy and whole once more

to you throughout this painful time.

Keep the strength.

evnshawn · Jan 11, 2006

Originally Posted by DixieDarlin256

I know everyone is going to say Im defending him but Im not... When he is sober he has NEVER said not a cross word to me or the boys. We wouldnt even argu.I think he bottles up all his anger and stress and it drives him to drink and THATS when he lets it all out.. In the wrong way

Likely you're right about that. Sometimes, when you have been abused (and I speak from experience here), it is difficult to learn to trust another person with your feelings, so there's a tendency to "bottle them up." I imagine that's even more true for men who are "supposed" to stifle their feelings anyway. Hopefully, with time and help he can learn to express his feelings in a healthy way because nothing good comes from keeping all your negative feelings (whch everyone has) inside.

I don't think there's anything wrong with understanding why someone is the way he is on one hand and feeling bad for his situation, but on the other hand realizing that even so, your first responsibility is to yourself and your children. What I mean is that I think you can love someone, hope with all your heart that they recover and live a very happy life, and still realize that, at least at the present time, you can't be around that person.

dixie_darlin · Jan 11, 2006

Originally Posted by evnshawn

Likely you're right about that. Sometimes, when you have been abused (and I speak from experience here), it is difficult to learn to trust another person with your feelings, so there's a tendency to "bottle them up." I imagine that's even more true for men who are "supposed" to stifle their feelings anyway. Hopefully, with time and help he can learn to express his feelings in a healthy way because nothing good comes from keeping all your negative feelings (whch everyone has) inside.

I don't think there's anything wrong with understanding why someone is the way he is on one hand and feeling bad for his situation, but on the other hand realizing that even so, your first responsibility is to yourself and your children. What I mean is that I think you can love someone, hope with all your heart that they recover and live a very happy life, and still realize that, at least at the present time, you can't be around that person.

I do realize it. I just want him to get help no matter what. He has an appointment Wed the 19th @ 6 for anger management and alcohol control.... I just hope he sticks with it and makes a better life for himself...Just like I am for my children and I

abbycats · Jan 11, 2006

Please, Just becareful not to get caught up in his cycle!! You may find that one day you have to sever the ties completly. I know from past experience it's not so easy to get away from an abusive spouse, and they become more dangerous to you each time they come back in your life, after the "honeymoon cycle" is over. I know you said that you don't want him back in your home, stick to your guns on that! I just remember the horror I went through, and I hate seeing it happen to anyone else..

Bless you and your boys,

Kim

deb25 · Jan 11, 2006

The more people make excuses for why he is the way he is, the longer he will be that way, Dixie. Bottom line is he needs to stop. Don't enable him. You have you and the kids to care for.

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