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how to tell your mom....

post #1 of 14
Thread Starter 
My mom has been interfering with my relationship, and it's getting worse. She now wants to write a letter to my spouse, and his father.

I told her to not write the letter, scince it will only start a war that I couldnt handle at this point. Then she got drunk (she never ever drinks), and was going off on my littler brother (he just called) telling him how much she hates my spouse, and my life etc....

There is way too much to say about my relationship, and it gets really long and you guys arent counselors (which I need lol), so I wont go into full detail about anything.

But...How do I tell my mom to take a step back? Im 21, I have a 2 year old baby girl, and my spouse isnt what my family wanted for me. They wanted so much better. I have concerns about the way my relationship is standing anyhow, and I have been talking to my mom about the way I feel, and she's going nuts.

Im at a wits end. Just wondering if anyone has had any problems with thier mom, and how did you tell her to back off a little bit, without hurting her.
post #2 of 14
I guess the first thing is to stop confiding in her, if you don't want her advice or interference. If the relationship issue is just that you are both young, and dealing with a two year old, stand firm. Let her know that he is who you chose, and who you want to spend your life with. And find a girlfriend to confide in the little things about.
post #3 of 14
I've never been in your situation thankfully. I guess if I were you I'd tell her that you're old enough to make your own decisions and for her to stay out of your affairs. You can tell her you're sorry you didn't become her "ideal" daughter, but it's your life. Maybe staying away from her for a month or two might make her realize how important you are to her? It's hard to say without knowing you and your Mom's relationship. I wish you well with this. It's too bad she can't accept you the way you are.
post #4 of 14
Thread Starter 
She accepts me, she just doesnt accept my spouse, therefore, she doesnt accept my choices. She's just really upset. Maybe I should let her write the stupid letter. Maybe it will give me what I need to get this all over with.
post #5 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilleah878
She accepts me, she just doesnt accept my spouse, therefore, she doesnt accept my choices. She's just really upset. Maybe I should let her write the stupid letter. Maybe it will give me what I need to get this all over with.
What is she going to say in this letter though? I don't think it's fair for her to hurt you, even if it is unintentionally. I really think she should let you make your own decisions. At 21 and with a 2yr. old you've been through enough to make your own decent decisions!
post #6 of 14
Whatever you do do not let her write the letter. Do exactly as Beckiboo has said. Don't confide in her about your relationship problems- only four people should know about those problems: you, your spouse, your pastor, and your counselor. You need to establish the boundaries that you and your mother have both broken. When you get married you establish a new family- separate from your parents. If it isn't separate it won't survive- it has no chance. Maybe your spouse is a real jerk, if this is the case that is where your pastor or counselor should come in- not your mother. A third party who is a professional and not directly involved in your family is necessary. My heart goes out to you! My SIL just had to tell her mother that her behavior was inappropriate, tha she is a married woman and has a family of her own now. She didn't say this meanly, but she said it straight. When my MIL tries to butt in she calmly tells her that she's stepping over the line, that she loves her, but that her family comes first. She should be assured that any issues that surround your marriage are being taken care of and to leave it at that. It has worked for my husband and his sister. Good luck to you!
post #7 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckiboo
I guess the first thing is to stop confiding in her, if you don't want her advice or interference. If the relationship issue is just that you are both young, and dealing with a two year old, stand firm. Let her know that he is who you chose, and who you want to spend your life with. And find a girlfriend to confide in the little things about.
Ironically I was/am right where you're at. My parents also don't believe that my boyfriend is good enough for me. We lived (I still do) in Michigan and during my senior year of high school my dad got a promotion and had to move to Texas. They agreed to let me stay with my grandparents and I saw that as an oportunity to get out of the house. They were convinced that I was going to move to Texas after my senior year to go to college there but I had other ideas lol. So of course the blame fell on my boyfriend b/c they felt that it was him that made me stay. To make a long story short me and my mom fought all through my freshman year at MSU and went at least 6 months without talking at all. Eventually she realized that at one point I became an adult and that this was my own decision to make. And when she learned that, she realized that she could either get over it or continue to ruin our relationship.

Now we get along great and me and my boyfriend are even making plans to move to Texas. She still doesn't think he's the one for me but she's able to let it go. She still says things that are manipulative but I'm able to read through it now. Like beckiboo said, don't confide in her b/c she really will use it to her advantage and stand firm to what you believe. There's nothing more taxing on a relationship than tough parents b/c they know exactly what to say to trigger your emotions. My PM box is open if you wanna chat more Good luck!
post #8 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by esrgirl
Whatever you do do not let her write the letter. Do exactly as Beckiboo has said. Don't confide in her about your relationship problems- only four people should know about those problems: you, your spouse, your pastor, and your counselor. You need to establish the boundaries that you and your mother have both broken. When you get married you establish a new family- separate from your parents. If it isn't separate it won't survive- it has no chance. Maybe your spouse is a real jerk, if this is the case that is where your pastor or counselor should come in- not your mother. A third party who is a professional and not directly involved in your family is necessary. My heart goes out to you! My SIL just had to tell her mother that her behavior was inappropriate, tha she is a married woman and has a family of her own now. She didn't say this meanly, but she said it straight. When my MIL tries to butt in she calmly tells her that she's stepping over the line, that she loves her, but that her family comes first. She should be assured that any issues that surround your marriage are being taken care of and to leave it at that. It has worked for my husband and his sister. Good luck to you!
This is about the same advice DH and I got in our premarital counseling. It's hard too because not only are my mom and I close, we also work together. Fortunately for me, I am able to talk to her straight out about where our boundaries are. Sometimes thoes maternal instincts go too far!
post #9 of 14
Thread Starter 
My mother and I also work together! WOW! wow a kuwinkidink!

She's my boss too. lol. Anyhow, for tonight, I figure I am just going to let it be. We will see what she says when she's slept off some anger and goes to church. lol.

I just really need to go to a counselor, I know I should. I need to. There is so much inside of me that I really need to vent it all off, and see what someone professional thinks about it.

Any of you been to a counselor? Are they worth the time and money? Do they actually say good things that make you feel better?
post #10 of 14
I will admit that I've been in counseling..actually some reasons include my mom as well.

The one thing that I came out of counseling remembering is that we can't change anyone. We can change our reactions to people, which make the situation a less stressful. For example, I was heavy a few years back. I wasn't happy at the weight I was at and my mom wasn't either. In fact, since her and I have similar body types, I had made the comment that I will probably look like her when I"m her age. She responded back "Except you'll be fatter because when I was your age I was a size 6!!!" This was in front of my friends and some of my family. I was SO embarrassed that I nearly cried. In counseling, I learned to coop with the situation by not letting her negative comments get to me.

If you have health insurance, check with them as I know a lot will give you a 50% discount. Otherwise if you do go into counseling, check with the therapist. They may be able to work something out with you if you're in a money situation. But it's always a good to have an anonymous person to talk to .
post #11 of 14
The first reply I read, Beckiboo's, made the most sense to me. I don't tell my mother a darn thing. And I am quite a bit beyond the 21 you are. My mother would also tell you that she only wants the best for me, but I have come to learn that the 'me' she loves so much is a version that she would rather create and control. Not my idea of how I want to be an adult.
post #12 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilleah878
My mother and I also work together! WOW! wow a kuwinkidink!

She's my boss too. lol. Anyhow, for tonight, I figure I am just going to let it be. We will see what she says when she's slept off some anger and goes to church. lol.

I just really need to go to a counselor, I know I should. I need to. There is so much inside of me that I really need to vent it all off, and see what someone professional thinks about it.

Any of you been to a counselor? Are they worth the time and money? Do they actually say good things that make you feel better?
Fortunately for me, my Mom isn't my boss, and we work together, but do different parts of the work that our company does.

Mom's do get rather defensive when thier daughters are unhappy sometimes. Hopefully some sleep and time will help her.

I have been to a counselor, but not because of marital problems. I had a very hard time dealing with DH's first deployment after we were married. I also have counsled with our pastor (a woman) before. It helps to get the feelings out, so you know you aren't crazy! Also, it's nice to sometimes hear if your complaints and feelings or whatever are legitimate. I'm always afraid that I could be the wrong one in situations, or that maybe I just don't give enough when it comes to DH's shortcommings. I know he gives to a lot of mine! So I like getting some counsel from the outside and some good wisdom from someone who's more experienced than me. I deffinatley say that both my pastor and the counselor I saw were extreemly beneficial. If you DH doesn't want to go to counsleing, it wouldn't be a bad idea at all for you to go alone. We can't know everything when we get married. I never expected marriage to be perfect and blissful all the time, so I'm not afraid to ask questions and seek advice. The key is seeking it from the right place or people! In the end, it helps me decide what to do, what to work on changing about myself, and really improves my marriage. To me, my marriage is the most valuable thing I have. I'll invest whatever I can to get us through 'speed bumps' as my mother calls things like that. I hope things are working out for you!
post #13 of 14
My Dad is the one who advised me not to criticize my spouse to anyone but the spouse. I find that works pretty well.

I saw a counselor/therapist after my divorce from a belittling nasty man. My self esteem was so low by the time we split that I had trouble thinking things through clearly. It helped me so much!

If you are using your Mom as a sounding board, you are whittling away at your marriage relationships. I'm not saying you don't talk to her, but the marital problems are best dealt with by talking to a therapist. I hope things work out for you on both fronts, both that you and your dh grow closer, and your Mom is able to support you without interfering.

You might need to consider finding another job...working for your Mom kind of makes it hard to become totally independent! But I do understand that if it is a family business, it would be beneficial to both you and your Mom.

Maybe you can just have a talk with her, and let her know you love her dearly and appreciate that she is trying to help, but you need her to back off a step. When she asks personal questions, just tell her you have worked things out with dh. And change the subject, quick! LOL!
post #14 of 14
I am 33 about to be 34 and my mom and i still have to have those little chats about her interference. They sure love to poke their noses in things. My mom had to be told point blank with no buffering to back off or I was out of her life for good. She had gotten so bad that she was starting to make me feel pretty worthless. I told her back off or lose me and she backed off. Now I just have to remind her gently to back off. Take heart, though she will never stop interfering in one way or another, it will be easier to keep that barrier up. It will take time. I agree with everyone else, she is NOT the best person to talk to about your spousal problems. Pastor or counselor. Careful on the counselors though. The wrong one can make a mess. Been there done that. I would always choose a christian counselor, even if you aren't a religious person. (or one that is of the same faith you are).
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