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Not sure what to think...

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
Ok, so my little sister, Ashley (18 years old) got engaged on Christmas eve. I posted last week about it! I am so very happy for them both! The wedding is set for June 24, 2006.

Here's the thing...I got married 3 1/2 years ago and she was my maid of honor. Zack and I were discussing the exciting news and we both thought that she would make me her Matron of Honor in her wedding...come to find out she didn't include me or my little sister Allyson (9 years old) at all in the wedding. She is using 3-4 friends who she has only known less than 2 years. I was very shocked by this and quite frankly, not sure what to think.


Here's another thing, I automatically thought I would be in the wedding party and told my sister that I wanted to give her a wedding shower and she agreed to it. Five minutes later, she was giving me the run down of when the bridesmaids would get fitted for their dresses and I casually asked, "So, who are the other bridesmaids"...her response: "Lacey, Michelle and Anna". And Jennifer is the maid of honor". I didn't say anything past this point and proceeded to end the conversation (this was on the phone). So, I am not sure what to think. I am hurt by this, and Zack thinks that it will bite her in the a$$ sooner or later.

Should I confront her as how I feel? Should I still give her a shower? Doesn't her maid of honor do this?
post #2 of 25
I always thought your maid of honour was supposed to be your best friend and that's not necessarily your sister. Her maid of honour is supposed to give the shower, so I'd let her know that you don't want to step on her maid of honour's toes by giving a shower so you'll bow out of giving the shower so Jennifer can do it.

It would have been nice to at least have included you in the wedding party though. If you feel comfortable talking to her about it, I would definitely let her know that you and your other sister were hurt not to be included.
post #3 of 25
oh so sorry i know just how you feel when my sister got married i wasnt in her wedding either but my daughter was me and my sister dont get along to well so i wasnt suprised but as far as the shower goes i wouldnt because its the maid of honors responsability
post #4 of 25
IM telling you because im young too 18 year olds are crazy and dont know waht they are doing half of the time
post #5 of 25
Wedding arrangements are emotionally loaded. I think that the best thing would be for you, sooner rather than later, tell her that you were hoping to be the matron of honour. But that if you aren't, you'd like another special job.

I had a friend who did this, she didn't have any sisters, and instead of me (she had known for years), she chose a girl she had worked with for a year. However, I stuck around, and because her maid of honour (her only attendant) really didn't know what she was doing, I ended up doing a lot of work for her. And I was happy to do it, because I wanted her wedding to be perfect.

I had another friend who only had one bridesmaid, and if she had more, I would have been included. I asked her what special job I could do, and she found one.

As for the shower, I have often seen weddings with two showers; one arranged by the maid of honour for the friends, and one arranged by a family member (sister or cousin) for family friends, and that included a lot of the Mother of the bride's friends.

It's all tough, and I would be upset, just as you are.
post #6 of 25
DonĀ“t feel hurt....try to search to her in a peace moment and ask to her and let to her say whaterver she want to say about it!......
With my best wishes to you my friend!
post #7 of 25
[quote=Sammie5]As for the shower, I have often seen weddings with two showers; one arranged by the maid of honour for the friends, and one arranged by a family member (sister or cousin) for family friends, and that included a lot of the Mother of the bride's friends. QUOTE]
I've seen this happen a lot too. So if you actually want to throw her a shower, you could arrange the family one.
Personally, I think it's really important to let her know how you feel. You don't want these bad feeling to fester unexpressed for years (speaking from personal experience). But don't feel that you're obligated to do anything for her either!
post #8 of 25
I'd be hurt. And I think I'd let her know it. That's just my opinion. I'm sorry you're so frustrated, and I really do think any anger that you have about it is justified.

I was my sister's maid of honor when she got married, and she was my matron of honor when I got married.
post #9 of 25
I think Fwan is at least partially right. I'm at least half serious in stating that. I think you should talk to your sister though. What could be better than talking about it?
post #10 of 25
Not talking about it doesn't get you anywhere. You're sisters, you should be able to talk about it & share your feelings about it with her, and get her point of view, too. It may not be easy, and it may not change the wedding arrangements, but you will feel so much better and probably understand her and her reasoning for this better. Best wishes to you and your sis.
post #11 of 25
Don't worry too much about it...your feelings are natural. I know when my brother got married I was hurt when I wasn't asked to be a part of the wedding party. But they didn't have very many people...one best man and one maid of honor...and when I talked with her, she said that since her maid of honor lived in England, she figured it would be hard coordinating a dress between my sister and I.

when I was your sister's age and was planning my party (if I were to get married that young), all my friends were in the party and none of my family. At the time though I was basing it on who introduced us, who was my confidant during the troubled times, etc and who was willing to be seen in public with the us.
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
Thank you all for your suggestions. I've decided to mention to it to her in some way, but I don't want to make her mad. She even told me to talk to her when I had a problem with something. I am not the type of person who likes to confront people....so not really sure when and how I am going to do it. They were here last night and stayed the night, my husband made us all a 5 course meal, and even though David thanked us for it. I feel as though she could care less what we did for them. I have always felt that my sister never appreciates anything I do for her. I've actually posted about her a few times about her manners and such (regarding her not writing thank you notes after my family gave her gifts for her graduation in May--she's my half-sister, btw). Anyway, I feel as though Fwan is right...she is young and doesn't realize what she is doing...but I also feel hurt because I was 20 when I got married...only 1 year older than her...I feel as though she will never truly appreciate anything I do for her. I will eventually just tell her that I'll help her maid of honor plan the shower since that is her duty in the first place...maybe, just maybe that'll get her attention.
post #13 of 25
Thread Starter 
My husband says it really isn't any of my business who she picks...I guess that really answers my question. I probably should drop it.
post #14 of 25
Personally i think it is okay to marry young, but i look at my self now... and being 18 wasnt so long ago!! But i think differently than what i did this time last year and to be honest, i think between now and June is a little too quick to plan a wedding.. The more i think about weddings the more i get a weird feeling and think that if i ever get married i would rather elope... (but this is just me )

I just think she isnt THINKING through enough and just made quick decisions because "they are her friends" and she thinks everything is going to be perfect.. and when you are over excited about something you actuallly dont think through it properly...

Does any of this make sense?

Dont be sad, Just enjoy her wedding and ask her if you can have a special role too.. Maybe making a nice speech at the reception?
I wish i had a sister like you
post #15 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by caprice
Thank you all for your suggestions. I've decided to mention to it to her in some way, but I don't want to make her mad. She even told me to talk to her when I had a problem with something. I am not the type of person who likes to confront people....so not really sure when and how I am going to do it. They were here last night and stayed the night, my husband made us all a 5 course meal, and even though David thanked us for it. I feel as though she could care less what we did for them. I have always felt that my sister never appreciates anything I do for her. I've actually posted about her a few times about her manners and such (regarding her not writing thank you notes after my family gave her gifts for her graduation in May--she's my half-sister, btw). Anyway, I feel as though Fwan is right...she is young and doesn't realize what she is doing...but I also feel hurt because I was 20 when I got married...only 1 year older than her...I feel as though she will never truly appreciate anything I do for her. I will eventually just tell her that I'll help her maid of honor plan the shower since that is her duty in the first place...maybe, just maybe that'll get her attention.
From what you describe, she's never caught on in the past. Why repeat history? This reminds me of the of the definition of insanity. The definition of insanity is repeating something that has never worked before and expecting different results. She can't read your mind Candie. Maybe it's time to try new approach and talk to her about it.
post #16 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by caprice
My husband says it really isn't any of my business who she picks...I guess that really answers my question. I probably should drop it.
If you're worried about the etiquette of whether it's any of your business, that's not really the issue here in my opinion. The main issue is that you feel hurt by your sister for many things, not just this wedding plan and that needs to be dealt with more than conforming to etiquette.
post #17 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hydroaxe
If you're worried about the etiquette of whether it's any of your business, that's not really the issue here in my opinion. The main issue is that you feel hurt by your sister for many things, not just this wedding plan and that needs to be dealt with more than conforming to etiquette.
I agree. If you're hurt than it's enough your business to discuss it with her. Don't be afraid of confrontation (easier said than done, I know), often if leads you to a closer relationship and better understanding.
post #18 of 25
I agree that you should let her know how you feel. You are not insisting she make you matron of honor, after all, that would be hard. She would have to revoke that privilege from someone else. But if you talk it out and she realizes how you feel, you can work something out. There are many important roles to be played.

Just because you were mature enough at 20 to think of other people's feelings, doesn't mean she ever will be. And if I were you, I would rather offer to do a separate "family" shower, that will include the people your Mom wants included. The young maid of honor may not think to include your Mom's best friend, etc. And if you do a shower with the other girl, it may involve conflict between the two of you. Why go there? Just let your sister know that usually the maid of honor throws a shower, too.

Her thoughtlessness does NOT mean she doesn't love you. Please do not take it that way. It is her wedding, and she can have who she choses in the wedding party. Let her plan her special day as she wishes. If she finds a special place in the wedding party for you, that would be nice. However, either way, you will be sisters forever. She should know how you feel soon.
post #19 of 25
Buy her a copy of Emily Post's "Wedding Etiquette"! Otherwise I'd suggust doing what others have said, especially Beckiboo.
post #20 of 25
I think you should talk to her always, about anything that is bothering you. You should always feel like you can say something. But, I also think that you should be happy that she has friends she loves that much and she is happy. It's her special day and she should have it the way she wants it.

I'm sorry your sister didn't consider your feelings. It is MOST likely that she is completely clueless to how it would make you feel. I know you're really sensitive, which is great, but it also makes you take things harder.
post #21 of 25
I had to sleep on this one. It's just a thought, but does the groom have sisters? I know my sister decided not to make me matron of honor because she didn't want to feel obligated to include her future sister-in-law in the wedding party. I know another friend had to choose between having her three sisters or three friends as bridesmaids, and felt that her sisters would take being left out better than her friends would.
post #22 of 25
I had my sister be a bridesmaid, and my brother was a groomsman in my wedding, mostly b/c we were off one boy to even it out. My BF from childhood was my matron of honor. I was in her wedding previously, but not maid of honor, which I was a little upset by at the time, but she had a good guy friend who was also her roomate for a few years be man of honor and her husband had a best woman, (his sister). We didn't feel obligated to have my husband's brothers in the wedding. One wasn't invited (also couldn't go anyway due to being on probation), and the other was there, but not part of the wedding party. They are not close, also he has a drinking/compulsive lying problem. Not to get off topic, but he has two half brothers - one from each parent that are both losers, and I like to say that DH got the best genes from each parent. I think she should at least have you in the wedding party, but she obviously is clueless.
post #23 of 25
Oh Candie. You've been a good sister to her. If I was you I would tell her you were hurt. I'm a very honest person so I would.
post #24 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by WellingtonCats
Oh Candie. You've been a good sister to her. If I was you I would tell her you were hurt. I'm a very honest person so I would.
I think you should talk about it too. At least then you could get an explanation. Even if her plans don't change to include you, at least you would know why..even if she just didn't think (which sometimes we all do, make big gaffes). It's very important to just pose it as a question, and not sound angry or hurt.

I think beyond that, it's very natural to have some doubts about the choices our siblings make, esp. when it comes to life-changing ones. I wasn't in my brother's wedding, and even though I would have liked to be, it was OK. I got to sing, which was enough. I wasn't really cool with how they planned the whole wedding, and that we didn't really know my bro's financee very well, but it turned out OK. They married young too...maybe some young ones know how to get it together. I sure didn't!!
post #25 of 25
Thread Starter 
I asked her finally. I did find out though my little sister is going to be a flower girl.

Here's the convo and really it doesn't make me feel any better after discussing it, but at least I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings.:

me: may I ask a question that's been bothering me, but I don't want to come across as being mad....?

her: um, ok

me: am I apart of your wedding at all?

her: what do you mean?

me: I was wondering if I was going to be apart of your wedding at all because you didn't mention it. I just thought I would be apart of it in some way since you were my maid of honor in my wedding and you are my sister

me: (I am not mad at all, just a little confused)

her: well, no, you're not in the wedding party. i wouldn't expect you to be mad, there should be no reason to be. i just chose my friends to be in it. didn't know you wanted to be "in" it. i mean, you are my sister, it's not like your just gonna get a invitation and come.

me: ok, understandable

her: did you want to be in it?

me: and yes, I would have loved to be in it because I always thought you would want me to be apart of your wedding in that way since you were my maid of honor

me: but I understand now

her: so, your saying that since i was your maid of honor, im obligated for you to be mine or in my wedding? i chose a different way, sorry. I don't mean to hurt your feelings or anything.

me: no no
me: I don't expect to be that
me: I was just wondering what you were doing that is all


I guess I'll just leave it at that, what do you guys think?
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