or Connect
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Need vibes and advice about friend please.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Need vibes and advice about friend please.

post #1 of 33
Thread Starter 
I really don't know what is wrong with Tim. He has changed, and not for the better. Last year he was so fun to be around, but now he has lost the park. He still seems to be the same, but he is not as nice, and hangs out with the creepy, mean people now, instead of the nice people. I am worried that there is something wrong with him.

I am really good at understanding the psychologies of other people, but his is too deeply hidden. He now hangs out only with the shallow, preppy people. That may be a cause or an affect. I only know for sure what his former friends say about him....

I do not truly believe that i have lost him as a friend, i believe he is the same person on the inside as he has ever been.

He is not on any drugs (as far as i know), but that possibility just occured to me. He has always had the typical "stoner" look, but that is only because of his hair and the dark circles. He typically has very dark circles under his eyes, more pronounced than the others in our school (we all have them, the fruit of overzealous teachers and their homework).

I too am a guy with very long hair, but i do my best to keep it looking nice. Tim has declined in such areas, and i must try to discern what ails him. I will find out somehow, for i believe whatever it is in his life is certainly taking a toll.

Intelligent people often are drawn to cats. Perhaps one of you can help me find the root of Tim's problems... and maybe send some vibes? Any input is appreciated.

Thanks for your help,
post #2 of 33
Joe - is it possible that he is depressed? I am sorry that your friend is troubled and that you may have lost a friend. I wish you and Tim all the best.
post #3 of 33
Thread Starter 
I do not think that i have lost a friend, because the dude is still the same on the inside. But i do not know about depression. It may be a cause, or it may be unrelated. I will just have to hope somebody can help me figure it out.
post #4 of 33

Perhaps you have just grown up a bit faster than him.
post #5 of 33
Depression was the first thing that sprang to my mind too. We tend to think of depression as being sad, crying a lot, being withdrawn, etc. Among guys, however, depression often is expressed as anger or rebellion.

Maybe Tim is just under a lot of school-related stress... or dealing with family problems... or has been flirting with the dark side and been pulled in a little too deeply. I can think of a lot of reasons.

Do you still talk to him? I would suggest sitting down with him in a nonthreatening place - maybe somewhere you both hang out - and just asking him what's up. Let him know he's still a friend and you're concerned about him. Alternatively, you might ask a trusted adult, such as a school counselor or favorite teacher, to talk to him.

Good luck - you sound like a good friend to have.
post #6 of 33
I'm sorry about what has happened b/t you and your friend. I had something pretty similar happen to me last year, and I am sad to say we never worked things out. I tried, but as you know you can't talk to someone who doesn't want to talk to you. I wish I would have tried harder, b/c I do miss her. So don't give up! Just let him know you are there for him, if/when he wants to talk. Have you asked him lately to hang out somewhere, where it could be just the two of you? Maybe that woudl give you a chance to talk a little. Good luck to you!
post #7 of 33
I know how you are feeling.... I have a friend like that too and now he has stopped talking to me all together, people say i have changed alot in the last few years, one thing you have to understand is that when people get older they go their own way, as weird as it sounds their friendship circle gets smaller and smaller. You will realise that a year after of finishing high school you may only have contact with one or two people, out of the whole year level.
It is still hard for me to realise that i dont have the people i want around me anymore, and i think the hardest part is actually finding new friends.

Your friend Might be depressed, but if he isnt going to speak up, youre not able to help, and if he gets worse i know it will hurt for you to see him being dragged down, but maybe you can just write him a note telling him that you care and that if he ever needs you, you will be there for him.
post #8 of 33
Thread Starter 
I cannot get him to "hang out" because it is not that he does or doesn't want to, or if this is the case, he will not say so. He has recently made an excuse not to go paintballing on the day after my birthday. And my life is way too busy with trying not to go insane in this place i live (see siggy) and the hours and hours of schoolwork.

I need some way to let him know without.... letting him see my true purpose. I find that when people discover how much i understand about them, they become uncomfortable, which totally makes sense. I must find some way to try, but i don't want him to get screwed up more while i bide my time.

I am thinking that there must be some good psychlogical approach to helping him, but i am not sure. He has never actually been to my house, maybe that would be a good start to making him feel like noboby is mad at him. Isn't it possible to get him to look at himself, while not letting him know we are doing so? I feel that if he realized that i was "interfering", I would really lose him as a friend.

post #9 of 33
It sounds like he may be deppressed, or maybe you are both changing and don't realize it. Sometimes people grow out of eachother. And other times, your friendship may need a break. One of my best friends got mad at me a couple years ago, and we didn't talk for almost a year. Then out of the blue, I got a christmas card from her, and called her up. My best friend from home- we don't see eachother or talk that often, but at the same time we are always there for eachother, and we always have a great time together. Quite honestly, of the people I hung around with when I was in high school, I only see two with any regularity, and only 2 others occassionally. Try not to take it too personally.
post #10 of 33
He could be depressed, or just changing. People have to change sometimes, for example, I don't hang around with my friends as much when I have a boyfriend. Not because I don't value them as my friends or want to be around them, but because I'm trying to build my relationship with my boyfriend. It's probably wrong, but it's usually only at the beginning of the relationship, when all I want is to be around him. Does he have anyone new in his life? I mean, besides the preppy, shallow, mean, creepy people?
post #11 of 33
Thread Starter 
I bet he wishes he did. His personal hygiene has declined to such an extent that he is basically treated as a class joke... but i think this has occured since he changed personality-wise. If you mean to say that he may be dating, i seriously doubt it.

He has fallen in a rut to such an extent that the shallow, creepy, mean people don't even really accept him. They are so shallow that one day they all sit by him and gossip in their cheerful, preppy way, like the imbeciles they are, the next day he is absent and they all talk about how frequently(or infrequently) he washes his hair in a very loud, degrading tone for the whole class to hear. The f***ers!

And in truth, i am not so worried about our friendship as i am about his other friends of the year last. Several have said that they hate him, several just don't like him. But I don't think he has really changed, because the things he does, idiosyncrasies, are exactly the same. He doesn't even act truly didstant with me, he is very polite (for Tim, ) and seems to try hard to be nice.

It may be possible that something happened to him at home, or maybe it was a gradual change. I am sort of leaning to the idea that the SCMP have sort of lead him astray, like drawing him away from his real friends. Sort of like a group of megalomaniacs working as a team. Far fetched, i know.

Now i NEED to work on my paper, so i get to sleep at least by 3 AM. I could tell some funny stories about my lack of sleep days, but i will save them for a happier thread.
post #12 of 33
Hrmn... depression came to my mind too. There was a guy at our school who had the same dark circles under his eyes, the unwashed hair, the withdrawn personality and style.... ok his personal hygiene was much better (as much as any teenage boy's can be).... but perhaps there's something going on in his home life that has caused this, that you don't know anything about yet. It's possible that things are bad somewhere in his life and he's not coping very well with it.

This is a very delicate situation - and I'm not sure of how a guy would approach it - women on the other hand I'd suggest perhaps you just let him know you're worried about him, and that if there's anything he feels he wants to talk about, you'll be there for him, but don't push it home. If he's got something to say, it's best to let him come to that by himself.
post #13 of 33
Thank you for caring enough to be concerned about your friend.
Apparently there is something very disturbing going on, (or has gone on) in his life that he is not yet ready to deal with....and may , or may not be ready to even talk about yet.
As a friend, I would either make a point to talk with him or write him a letter and tell him of the changes that you are noticing in him and express your concern.
Without pushing him to confide or admit anything if he is not ready or willing to, you can let him know that you are his friend and that you are there for him....then leave the next step up to him.
If he does`nt open up to you ,and if he further withdraws from you...you can still send him a note now and then and just let him know that he is in your thoughts. You never know what it can mean to someone who has hit the bottom in their life, to know that there is still a friend that they can count on to be there for them.
post #14 of 33
To me the dark circle indicate an Iron deficiency. My boyfriend has those and when he doesn't take his Iron pills for a day or two, they're really pronouced.

IMO, usually if someone stops bathing themself it's because they are depressed. From what you're saying it sounds like he got in with this group of people to avoid being made fun of by them (making friends with the enemy, that sort of thing). Unfortunately it sounds like it's not really working out for him.
Does he act them when he's around them? Belittling others, etc? He has some insecurities that may be a result of the depression, that he finds relief in making fun of others then. So in a way he's indentified with these people on that level and that's probably why he continues to hang out with them.

Someday he will find out for himself what these people really are. Especially if they talk about them behind his back. For now though, with all the changes that go on at your age, what Anakat says is true, you're mentally growing up faster then he probably is. That's where friendships can stray. Someday you two may be friends again, or you may just learn to go your separate age.
Believe me, I had a new set of friend every school year at your age as we just changed so rapidly. Sometimes I felt better moving on from a certain friendship other times it just plain sucked and I really wanted to keep the friendship. Your true friends are the ones that will either learn they are your true friend or will stay your friend through out the next coming years.

Good Luck with your friend though!
post #15 of 33
Do you know his parents at all or his life at home??? I think from your description that his parents or other family members must have noticed his change. Does he have any brothers or sisters that you can talk to about his change??
I would hang in there as his friend and continue to be a happy optimistic person.
Yrs (ok over 20 yrs) ago one of my roommates was treated for severe depression. She was sucidal, in the hospital many times, counseling etc...
She did finally straighten out and she had mentioned that my positive attitude was a help to her.
post #16 of 33
Thread Starter 
No, he has only been made fun of behind his back since he joined them, not before. i did have a little breakthrough today. I was able to have a joking conversation with him in math, which he usually breaks off with an "I'm tired."
I would wonder about the iron deficiency thing, i will have to check on that. Is lethargy a symptom? He is always complaining of being tired and/or putting his feet up on vacant chairs and slumping in his seat. he also seems to have dresed more warmly this year. Hmmm, thanks
post #17 of 33
Great to hear on the breathrough!

I don't think that lethargy is a symptom for Iron Deficiency. Lethargy can be a symptom of depression...or just from staying up all night watching TV all the time.
Keep in mind too that you and your peers are going through a lot mentally in change. So as teenagers your natural body's wake up time is later then what most schools decide to get you to school at. If I find the article I will post it, but a while ago I read this article about how psychologists proved that teenagers are more alert and get better grades by going to school at a later time. Many teenagers complain of fatigue because of this. Most school districts recognize this research, but do not change it as that would require purchasing more busses and hiring more bus drivers with money they just don't have.
post #18 of 33
post #19 of 33
Thread Starter 
Thank you lunasmom, i will try to read that later. I am using a school computer right now, and they are really screwy.

My mother is a doctor, and she stresses tis often. I am totally in agreement with her, but it is hard to get 9 hours of sleep with the five hours of homework i have, and getting up at five everyday. I do try though.

Thank you, i will read up on iron deficiency as well. But do you know about the dressing warmer? That is another thing i have noticed. Now he generally wears two shirts instead of one, even in the summer. Obviously he is cold, but why the difference? Is this another symptom?
post #20 of 33
Thread Starter 
I really dont want this thread to get cold. I really would like more advice.
post #21 of 33
Lethargy is a symptom of an iron deficiency - as is a headache that you can't get rid of and sometimes even nosebleeds. I also coudnl't get warm. I suffered with all of these with my iron deficiency. Perhaps it would be a good idea to just look out for those signs.
post #22 of 33
Thread Starter 
Those fit Tim perfectly, except for the nosebleeds. What should i do?
post #23 of 33
I have borderline anemia, and I am lethergic and always cold, so I'd say yes, there's a possible link there. I have to wear layers all the time, and I have to eat stuff high in iron to make sure I don't dip too low. It's not too bad for me, some people are worse, so I don't know much more than that. Good luck!
post #24 of 33
I've suffered from depression many time over the years. In high school I had to be in a hospital for a while to try and fight it. I also got really mess up in the drug world. Wheat you are describing sounds more like a drug thing with depression thrown in. They go hand in hand. There was a time when all I wore were jeans tshirts and long sleeve flannel, even in the summer. I wasn't cold, it was more of a way to cover things up. Emotionally and physicaly. I stopped caring about who I hung out with and what they said about me. I didn't really care how I looked. In fact I was starting to slide back down that path earlier this year. Karma helped snap me out of it. I was getting to the point where even my husband said he didn't know who I was and we work at home together and are together 24 hours a day. She gave me something to live for again and brought me out. I would look a bit deeper. He is hiding something and it's not good.
post #25 of 33
Thread Starter 
What should i do? I might be able to talk to him somehow, but it may not work. If Tim either has depression or iron deficiency, what can i do that will help either or both?
post #26 of 33
Circles under the eyes, lethargy and cold are all symptoms of iron deficient anemia. I've been anemic since I was 18 (no, I'm not going to tell you how many years ago that was). Its an easy test. Just a single drop of blood.

My first reaction when I read your posting is your friend has started using drugs. If he wants to hide them, you won't know.

I think it may be time to get an adult involved. Is your mom someone you can talk to?? As a doctor, she would be better at diagnosing than we are.

Good luck with him. And thank you for caring so much. Most people would just write him off.
post #27 of 33
Whilst not discounting a medical/psychological explanation another possibility springs to mind. You have mentioned that your friend is not caring her his personal hygiene in the same way that he used too; has become withdrawn and has dark circles under his eyes as well as wearing many warm layers.

You also mentioned that he has never been to his house - have you been to his? Do you know where he lives or if he is still living there. Coupled with this you also are wondering whether something might have happened in his personal life.

Is it possible that he could have become homeless and therefore doesn't have the opportunity to bathe or sleep as much as he would like?

Just a thought.
post #28 of 33
How well do you know his parents? Since you were/are a trusted friend maybe you could talk to them about your concerns.
What about a trusted teacher/advisor/counselor? Sweets has a good point about bringing in an adult. Sometimes you can't always know what to do. Most likely someone you trust either is aware of the situation he may be in (such as his mom), or has seen it happen before (such as a teacher).
post #29 of 33
Thread Starter 
Lemme see. First of all, he is definitely not homeless. I know this because every single person in our class is way upper middle class. In other words, they are almost alll disgustingly rich, lol. It just happens to work out this way, i go to a public school. And i have seen his house. He came to my birthday last year, and we dropped him off. And i was wrong, he has been to my house once. It was that day, when we ate cake.

I have met his mother, one time. She strikes me as one of those good-natured but flustering scatterbrains.

My parents are NOT easy to talk to. Not in the slightest. They drive me mad with the stuff they do.... not gonna get off topic.

I really do not know what to do if he is on drugs, because i do not see how i can find out for sure.

I am seeing the iron deficiency or depression as more likely, but it won't do to assume. I think i will call him now, and see how he is doing. Often he is not there when i call, i dunno what this means.

You people are so much help, i never would have thought of half these things.

post #30 of 33
Good luck!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › Need vibes and advice about friend please.