Am I just crazy? (Need advice!)

So, my family is going on a cruise to Mexico and Belize.

And it's absolutely the last thing I want to do. I'd rather stay in Chicago with a runny nose, working at my job, going to concerts, playing in the snow and being with Ian and my kitties. I do NOT want to celebrate Christmas where it doesn't snow, because it's really out of my realm of comprehension (I've never left Chicago for Xmas before).

That, and I turned down 4 flute jobs, which for those of you not in the music industry, is a HUGE deal. In order for me to have a shot at making money of this later in life, I need connections. In order to make connections, I have to be available 100% of the time to take EVERY JOB I can POSSIBLY have. Otherwise, I get labeled as being absent of unreliable and no one ever calls. A reputation like that take a major change in geography to fix, if it even CAN be fixed.

I yelled at my mom about this...she wants me to come home next week, spend some time in Naperville (wher my parents live), miss the Civic Orchestra Concert, take time off of work (and thus, be even more broke than I am right now, what with Lola's bills, Gracie's comprehensive exam, all of the Xmas shopping and having to take 2 weeks off for this cruise), miss Lights of Love at Treehouse, ditch my volunteer obligations with the shelter and take more time off of practicing. I YELLED. And I feel sort of bad, but I really think that I'm justified in being mad. I didn't get a choice in this cruise because my crazed mother bought me a ticket without even asking me if it was ok. Should she have asked me, the answer would have been a forceful and resounding no.

So, what do I do? Am I justified in feeling this way, or am I just a big Scrooge? I really hate to leave my favorite place in the world for my favorite time of year and I feel like I'm missing out on so much. And I'm going to have a HUGE problem if I can't practice on the ship, since I have a major audition in 3 weeks!

any advice is welcome, because I feel rotten.

Aww, I'm so sorry! I can tell how much you want to stay home just from your post, and I do think you are justified in being angry. Once you are living on your own you sould definately have a HUGE say in what you do with your time. I hope you can work something out where you can still have a good holiday with your kitties!

You're living on your your own, you're a grown-up, so your mom should not be making assumptions like that. It's not for her to dictate your activities, especially as you have so many responsibilities.

I feel your pain. Last year my family all took off for Disney on Christmas Day and I spent the day crying (my choice not to go, though) They thought I was being extremely uncooperative not participating in the family trip, but the fact is.... someone has to stay home and be responsible. I have 5 cats, they have 5 cats, not to mention that we would have been leaving my 88 yr old Gram at home with no family to call on if something happened. I know you cat lovers will understand because I just don't let anyone care for my pets. I was surprised that I didn't get a ticket at Christmas to go with them. My mother has done things like this in the past. Most people would think this was nice, but I think there is an underlying control issue. If they buy you a ticket, then in their mind , you more or less HAVE to go. The only way to stop the problem is to be rude with her, since she has no respect for your plans, life, wishes. It's especially bad if they are not even considering how it may affect your finances. My mother went through a phase of buying tickets for this and that for local events and sometimes they were not cheap. After I kept refusing to go places because she thought I needed it, I think she finally got the hint.

Originally Posted by captiva

I feel your pain. Last year my family all took off for Disney on Christmas Day and I spent the day crying (my choice not to go, though) They thought I was being extremely uncooperative not participating in the family trip, but the fact is.... someone has to stay home and be responsible. I have 5 cats, they have 5 cats, not to mention that we would have been leaving my 88 yr old Gram at home with no family to call on if something happened. I know you cat lovers will understand because I just don't let anyone care for my pets. I was surprised that I didn't get a ticket at Christmas to go with them. My mother has done things like this in the past. Most people would think this was nice, but I think there is an underlying control issue. If they buy you a ticket, then in their mind , you more or less HAVE to go. The only way to stop the problem is to be rude with her, since she has no respect for your plans, life, wishes. It's especially bad if they are not even considering how it may affect your finances. My mother went through a phase of buying tickets for this and that for local events and sometimes they were not cheap. After I kept refusing to go places because she thought I needed it, I think she finally got the hint.

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I feel like I would be thrilled to spend Christmas at home...I have Grandparents in the area that I normally spend Christmas with and they're just going to spend it alone this year, which makes me really sad. Also, Hannukah starts on Christmas this year, so I'm going to miss the first 3 or so days of that, too. I'm really bummed. I mean, I'll be with my family, but, as you can tell, my family is difficult. It's not that I don't love them, because I do, but they are suffocating, pushy and just difficult to deal with in situations like this. I hate to sound like playing my flute and being at home and subbing for The Nutcracker (in the orchestra) and seeing th CSO perform my all-time favorite Holiday concert are more important than family, but I feel like I have plenty of family here and my ties to Chicago right now are much too strong for me to just pick up and go on a cruise for no good reason. My parents are like "we paid x and y amount of money for this" but they forget that I'm going to lose somewhere around $1500 of money that I NEED to pay for things like food and electricity. Given the choice, I would save that money rather than spend it on a cruise...it's almost as if I am paying for this myself.

Thanks for teh support, guys

I agree that she should ahve asked you first - but perhaps you really should take a little time out? Nobody can expect you to be available 100% of the time. You know if you do just kick back and relax for a little bit you'll find that you go back to your normal routine in an even happier and more relaxed frame of mind. Who knows, you might even enjoy yourself while you're gone!! Besides, I don't see any reason why you can't pracise on the ship - I'm a flautist as well on occasion - I used to play every day and I used to practise in all sorts of strange places.

However, I do understand where all the other arguments are coming from hum... but perhaps your mum is worried that you might be overdoing it? I know why you yelled sweetie, but the fact is your mum actually thought you might enjoy it and even paid for the ticket for you. I would be truly glad that she did think of this for you at Christmas time... even if it's not quite what you'd want.

Originally Posted by lionessrampant

My parents are like "we paid x and y amount of money for this" but they forget that I'm going to lose somewhere around $1500 of money that I NEED to pay for things like food and electricity. Given the choice, I would save that money rather than spend it on a cruise...it's almost as if I am paying for this myself.

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Allie, I'm sorry your mom didn't ask if the time she choose for the cruise would be good for you.

I wouldn't go. Obviously she doesn't respect you enough to ask, so you don't have to respect her enough to go against your will! It's terribly unfair for her to just *poof* expect you to drop everything and run. This is the most busy time for musicians, and you could have done 3 extra jobs and gotten the money needed to make ends meet if you weren't made to go. I'm sorry it's turned out this way!

Originally Posted by turtlecat

I wouldn't go. Obviously she doesn't respect you enough to ask, so you don't have to respect her enough to go against your will! It's terribly unfair for her to just *poof* expect you to drop everything and run. This is the most busy time for musicians, and you could have done 3 extra jobs and gotten the money needed to make ends meet if you weren't made to go. I'm sorry it's turned out this way!

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Well, now I'm getting a bunch of BS from her about how I should leave the city on a weekday night (I work 8AM-7PM most days) next week with bags full of all I intend to pack, take a train all the way out to Naperville (1h15m train ride), pack my suitcases, go back to work, take a train all the way back out to Naperville on Friday (we leave Friday night) to get my suitcases and go with them to the airport.

Excuse me? I live INSIDE of the city, you know, where I could easily take the El or a cab to MEET them at the airport (Midway, which is also IN the city) without making 2 uneccessary trips out the outer burbs. Does this make ANY sense anyone?! #@()*$(#*!!! I'm borrowing suitcases from Ian if I even decide to show up (which, also upset her because she bought the family this expensive new luggage set, in which we'd all have matching suitcases and if I borrow Ian's "vintage" -as we affectionatley call it- falling apart red plastic suitcase, things won't match). I swear, sometimes this woman just goes wwwaaaaaaay over the top.

I do not understand why she did not ask you first. You are not a child (are you - I never look at profiles, lol). It is your choice - if you are living on your own and earning your own way, it should be up to you where you want to spend Christmas. My family always went away - mostly - this time of the year (too many religions involved and my mom would get a holiday only by leaving) and now that live in Fla, I sometimes go there this time of the year but they completely understand when do not want to. And if they do give my brother a trip to Fla for Xmas, they also give the money to my sisters and I in the event we want to come or to do something else. That makes sense to me!!

Talk to your mom and reason with her - you should be able to work it out as adults!

C'mon Allie! You cannot seriously expect to go without matching luggage!

Originally Posted by CyberKitten

I do not understand why she did not ask you first. You are not a child (are you - I never look at profiles, lol). It is your choice - if you are living on your own and earning your own way, it should be up to you where you want to spend Christmas. My family always went away - mostly - this time of the year (too many religions involved and my mom would get a holiday only by leaving) and now that live in Fla, I sometimes go there this time of the year but they completely understand when do not want to. And if they do give my brother a trip to Fla for Xmas, they also give the money to my sisters and I in the event we want to come or to do something else. That makes sense to me!!

Talk to your mom and reason with her - you should be able to work it out as adults!

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I'm 20, I live on my own. My parents pay me part of what they *would* have paid for tuition (basically, the dole out my college savings to me little by little), but I'm going to school on a scholarship (I'm a junior in flute performance, so one more year after this). WHat they give me helps partially with rent of my place and is mostly intended for textbooks, sheet music and upkeep on my flute. I pay the rest of my rent, my bills, my living expenses and for my cats and all forms of entertainment by myself.