Hey there sunlion

I see you on line, how are you doing tonight?

Oo, Hissy, I just saw this!

You know, I'm pretty okay during the day, but nights are tough. Esp. with my daughter at her dad's.

I guess there's just so much going on during the day and places are open so at least there's someplace to go and walk around even if I'm by myself. At night, I seem to lose concentration so I can't read and things are pretty much closed by 9 around here (except bars, but I'm not ready for that and I probably wouldn't go alone anyway) so I end up with the tv going only I'm not really watching, I'm thinking about stuff. I really, really need to think less.

I do have some friends in the area, but they are mostly married moms, so they aren't available for going out nights. Even just a movie or a little shopping with a friend would be nice. My remaining single friends are still in MA. I can't afford to call them often, and only one is online regularly. Thank goodness for Tivo, at least there is usually several hours of programming on it (it stores up to 30 hours) so I'm not stuck with infomercials and reruns of 70's sitcoms.

However, my cousin invited us to their house for Easter, so we're going to do that. They have a year-old son and 2 daughters that are almost in college, so it's a full house already. I think that will be more fun for Lauren than being alone here with mom.

I'm actually thinking, our closest friends are in north Arlington and Grand Prairie, which is between Arlington and Dallas. My family is in east Dallas and Richardson, which is north of Dallas. I think I'm going to look for a job either right here so my commute is very short, or I'm going to look actually in Dallas and try to move out that way in a year or so to be nearer everyone. We're kind of out in nowhere down here in south Arlington near Fort Worth, so unless there's a job to keep me here, I might as well make a change.

Anyway. thanks for thinking of me!

Hi, Sunlion. I wish we could take away your pain, and anger, and love, and hate, and your desire to have him come back and get counseling, and your need for revenge, etc., etc. These are some of the things I went through after my husband and I separated. I remember telling you I used to take a nap every chance I could, because I didn't have to think while I was sleeping. My emotions ran the gamut, but, like you, I had children, teenagers and a four year old. I felt awkward, the third wheel, so I stayed home most of the time. Sound familiar?

We all go through stages, and you're in the most painful one. "This too shall pass." The best advice I got was not to let him think you're needy. Think of yourself. I first earned a promotion at work, but then decided to go back to college. Gradually, I realized that, although we still loved one another, we would not live together again. It wasn't a happy ending, but he's been here for every birthday party, every Sunday to mow the grass, and, when I was in the hospital and during my recovery at home, came out every morning before work to take care of the animals and see what I needed. Ours is an unusual situation; I know that. However, the important thing is that there is not an awkward situation every time at Christmas or other family days. Try to be friendly, but not needy. If you love him, as I did and do love my husband, this will be tough. Try to find time for some college classes, or an adult art course at the high school. Let people befriend you. So what if you're the third wheel? That was my biggest mistake. And, if you believe, turn to God. He will never abandon you. God bless you. Jeanie

Well, it got really bad yesterday. Everything made me cry. I was flipping thru' the channels (like a guy, I think I know why they do that now!) and I saw an actress's name in the credits, Joanna Linville. I thought, I wonder if she's married to Larry Linville (Frank Burns on M*A*S*H), and immediately burst into tears. I changed the channel and saw an interior shot of Robert Schuller's Crystal Cathedral - just glass roof and plants, you understand, nothing else - and I had been there with Jim once, and I started crying again. I was looking for some papers in a box of my art stuff and I found a Christmas card that I didn't recognize. Since I save my leftovers from year to year, I assumed it was a spare one and opened it, and it was from a friend, addressed "Dear Allie, Jim, and family" and I started crying again. And I don't mean polite tears and sniffles. I mean big racking sobs and funny noises and snot everywhere. And I couldn't stop once I got started, and then I couldn't breathe and it felt like my head was going to explode. Very very bad.

So I went to the hospital, and they gave me medicine for depression and anxiety. Paxil and Xanax. I used to take Xanax years ago for migraines. I suppose this is a good thing. At least I should be able to hold it together for Lauren a little better, I hope. Maybe I'll even get a few things done instead of finding everything so darn traumatic. I wish this was over and I wish it never started and I wish it was different. {sigh}

How on earth can it be that someone can dump your world upside down like that, and yet in 60 days they can be free of you and you are supposed to be able to take care of yourself?

PS. Sorry if this posts more than once. I'm getting errors off and on, have been all morning, and I can't tell if it's going thru' or not. My access has been very irregular today.

Sunlion, crying is all part of the healing process. It will give you a relief, and with time the racking sobs will turn to silent sniffles, and then to none at all. Time will heal, and you will soon forget how awful you are feeling now.

Cry all you want, its good for you.

Daniela, it's such toss-up for me right now. I don't mind having sad feelings, but I have become immoblilized by them and that's not good. But it seems like the dose might be a little high (that's why they tell you to follow up with your regular doc) because in some ways it's like having no emotions at all. I don't want either extreme. I want to feel my feelings, but I need to get a job and support myself and my daughter, and nobody's going to do that for me if I have a Kleenex plastered to my face and I can't speak 10 words without sobbing. So. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the mid-range, but I do need to see my G.P. As a long-term outlook, well, I'm hoping once this situation is resolved, there won't be any need for meds.

Dear Sunlion, Yes, cry! But, as you said, you have to get it together when you go on interviews. We sometimes have to wear different hats--almost become actresses. (Yes, a sexist term, but I like it, and I feel equal) You are a worthwhile person who did nothing wrong. Someone chose to break a vow and hurt you. Be proud of yourself. You're obviously an intelligent woman. That was the first thing I noticed about your posts-intelligence. Then I discovered that you are sensitive and caring. KNOW THAT ABOUT YOURSELF! Many people post on the Cat Site, but you stand out! Medication can be a blessing when it's necessary, and you are right to keep in touch with your PCP. I have been on the floor sobbing, too. Don't think you are odd. If you weren't hurting there would be something wrong with you! But know that you are a worthwhile person, and when you can, find something that interests you. You want some free time from the grief, even though we know you have to go through it. You will come out the other side of this a stronger person, believe it or not. God bless.

p.s. Have you seen an attorney? In PA, you are entitled to alimony until you have time to get ready for the job force. (And, of course, child support.) Treat the legal part in a business-like way, without feeling guilty. It's an absolute necessity.