Girlfriend doesn't like my cat... Advice?

mightymouse39

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I have a situation. My girlfriend and I have been together coming up on 2 years, and recently moved 800 miles away from our homes to start a new life in another state.

Our relationship is generally wonderful. There is one issue, though. My cat, who I've had for 3.5 years.

We lived together for several months before moving (with my cat), so she was exposed to him as an animal that she lived with, and seemed to be okay with it. She always had a few issues with cats not being quite as trainable as dogs, but it was certainly never a big deal.

Since we've moved, it's gotten a lot worse. She loves him when he's being good and docile, but like all animals, he's not good sometimes. The rule is that he's not allowed on the furniture or tables, or in the bedroom.

As I said, though, sometimes he's not good. Sometimes he gets on the sofas or chairs. We had a brief issue with him clawing at the carpet near the bedroom door trying to get in, so we taped over it and he doesn't do it anymore. That doesn't keep my girlfriend from waking up in the middle of the night thinking she hears him, though.

This is a stressful thing for her. She worries about it constantly. She claims he's not trainable at all, though he's actually the most trainable cat I've ever seen, in that we've been able to train him to usually stay off the furniture, even when we're not there. She's gotten to the point where she's saying she may not be able to live with him.

I simply don't understand this perspective, as I'm very tolerant and he doesn't worry me in the slightest. I've tried very hard to be sympathetic, though, and have bent over backwards to try and fix things (if it were up to me, he could get into every room and on every piece of furniture in the house). I'm coming to the end of the things I can do, though, as no cat will be good 100% of the time.

Any suggestions? Yes, everything should have been spelled out before we moved, but I didn't know it was a problem at the time, and here were are now.
 

evnshawn

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Just my opinion, and you can take it for what it's worth, but since she lived with the cat for several months before you moved, unless his behavior has changed, likely her problem is not really about the cat. Especially considering the stress levels she's having.

It sounds like a control issue to me. Perhaps she feels out of control after the move. I'm not sure how to go about fixing it, though.
 

rosiemac

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Your going to get a lot of reactions when it comes to cats and girlfriends/boyfriends


The way i look at it is you've had your cat a lot longer than your girlfriend and if my boyfriend were to give me an ultimatum then i'm afraid i would pick my cats over him because they were here before him.

Does your cat have a scratching post etc....Like you said though cats can't be trained like dogs.
 
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mightymouse39

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Originally Posted by rosiemac

Does your cat have a scratching post etc....Like you said though cats can't be trained like dogs.
Yes, he's got actually a big chair he's allowed in, we've got a box for him to sit/sleep in, in both the living room and the office, and he's got a floor-to-ceiling 3-tiered pole for him to climb on. He certainly has alternatives to the "people furniture".

Like I said, I didn't even know you could train cats to stay off things - we went on a 5 day vacation last month and when we came back there wasn't a stitch of hair on the furniture.
 

luvs2be

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Well, i will tell you my first thought, it's just a guess though.

I am going to guess that you had your own place along with your cat before moving in with your girlfriend. So maybe now that you and your girlfriend have moved and gotten a place together, she may consider it her place as well, before it was your place even though she was living with you.
I hope this makes sense, i did my best to explain.
Good Luck


P.S..........I would not get rid of the cat.
 

katl8e

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I've always been a hard-liner: kids, cats, dogs, me - we're a package deal. I could never be involved with anyone, who doesn't like cats and dogs.
 
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mightymouse39

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Originally Posted by Luvs2Be

I am going to guess that you had your own place along with your cat before moving in with your girlfriend. So maybe now that you and your girlfriend have moved and gotten a place together, she may consider it her place as well, before it was your place even though she was living with you.
Actually, you're right - that was the case. My girlfriend moved in with my cat and me for several months, and then we moved together. Hadn't really thought of it that way.

Originally Posted by katl8e

I've always been a hard-liner: kids, cats, dogs, me - we're a package deal. I could never be involved with anyone, who doesn't like cats and dogs.
Thanks for your input.. I figure on a cat site I'm not very likely to see any responses that say "get rid of the cat"
- it's all good input, though. My girlfriend claims to love dogs, she's always had dogs, and I'm okay with not getting another cat after this one goes. I do need some kind of animal, though, and I'm not sure if the intolerance of this cat's disobedience isn't symptomatic of what could happen with a dog, too.
 

gardenandcats

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I'm sorry that your cat is causing these problems. cats dig thats their nature..I'd have a good long talk with your girl friend. And tell her the bottom line is the cats staying. deal with it. Theres so much more to life then worring about a cat who sounds like hes as well behaved as he can be..
I also think this kinda sounds like a control issue with her..You could always try the soft paws nail caps for your cat.
 

anakat

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I just think she is feeling insecure about the big move, the commitment and everything and is using the cat as an excuse, I think you need to sit down and have a good talk. Preferably before you start thinking about kids because if she can't cope with a few cat hairs she wouldn't like the mess and disruption kids make
 

captiva

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I understand that she might want to keep "stuff" looking nice. Especially if it's a new place for her because it's so nice to not have cat prints on the table you just cleaned, etc. I grew out of that in my early 20s
Does she maybe border on being a little obsessive/compulsive when it comes to a clean house or does she just have a problem with the cat? I really don't mean this badly so please don't take offense, but waking in the middle of the night is a little much in my opinion. I would suspect that the cat is not really the only problem. Maybe it is because she feels things are a little out of control since your move as the others have said.
 

kai bengals

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Everyone should be so lucky as to have a cat that is a well behaved as you describe. If you think your girlfriends issue is truly with the cat, maybe you should ask her to visit this site and see for herself some of the problems other people are having with their cats. Anything she dislikes in your cat will pale in comparison.
 

purr

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That's tough.
I can't imagine being in love with someone that didn't like/want my cats, but I'd like to think I couldn't fall in love with someone who didn't. In a perfect world, you'd have known this about her before getting involved. Now what?

I think it's possible everyone's lives would improve if you found a suitable home for the cat. The cat has sooo many rules in his/her own home! That's her furniture too, isn't it? I wouldn't expect everything to change and be perfect if you re-home your cat, though. Your girlfriend could have other issues. Is she jealous of the cat? Maybe she wants to 'keep it in its place?'

I'm sorry about all that is happening. I imagine it's just terrible.
 

lillekat

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That's a really tough call - but I reckon that the problem not being the cat is quite right. If she lived with the cat before, I don't see why he should suddenly be a problem now. I couldn't imagine a life without cats - or certainly a life with someone who didn't like them, so I can only guess how you must be feeling and going through. Perhpas her stress levels are too high... perhaps there is an underlying problem you don't know about... perhaps she really doesn't like cats after all and it's only now she's showing her true colours (they do say you never truly know someone until you live with them). There are a lot of "perhapses" (oooh poooooooor English there sorry) The only way you're going to resolve the issues though is by sitting down and talking to HER.
You could sit here and wonder what the problem is, and mull it over with us until you're blue in the face... but you're never going to know until you ask her. I really really hope you can work something out between the two of you. I know it would be an easy decision for me - because I love my cat too much!
Good luck sweetie!
 

lionessrampant

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I'm in the "love me, love my cats" camp. If my significant other had a problem with my cat, I'd show them the door, rather than the cat. But that's me. Perhaps there are underlying issues with your girlfriend other than the cat?
 
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mightymouse39

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Originally Posted by Purr

I think it's possible everyone's lives would improve if you found a suitable home for the cat. The cat has sooo many rules in his/her own home!
Well, I don't want anyone to think the cat is neglected or doesn't have a lot of places that are "his". He's got an easy chair, a small sofa, two boxes (both lined with fleece blankets), a large carpeted climbing poll, and all of these things are in places where we are constantly - either the living room or the office. We mainly keep him off the dining room set, the "people sofa" and tables/counters. I don't think that's particularly unreasonable.

He gets tons of attention from both of us, and is pretty much treated like most other cats - we put out bags for him to play in, give him treats, brush him etc. He's a very content cat, with none of the signs that neglected or malcontent cats might have.

I'm not ready to give the cat away. I'm more wondering what I can do to improve the situation with my girlfriend - is it likely that she might come around? Can I say or do something that is going to help?

Obviously if the problem isn't really with the cat, I'm not sure what I can do. However, I've tried talking to her many times about the issue and she's adamant that the only issue is that the cat stresses her out.

In answer to earlier questions, yes, she is a fairly clean person. The waking in the night thing used to be a valid concern, since he was actually clawing up the carpet. He is not doing that anymore, though, and she can't let it go.

Also, he doesn't claw anything else so soft paws or clawing deterrents are unnecessary.

Thanks for your input, guys & girls.
 

captiva

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Sounds like you have done everything possible Did you try telling her that it bothers you to see her so stressed about it, but it's really important that she finds a way to co-exist with the cat as a favor to you? I wish you the best of luck .
 

sharky

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I would send her here... I would run from someone who "had issues" with my animals ... My cat for the record is much better behaved than my dog...
 

maverick_kitten

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it really doesnt sound like your cat is doing anything wrong, he's just being cat like.

take your gf out for a nice meal and ask her gently if somethings bothering her. like the other posters have said before, i dont think the cat is the root of her problems.

my dad was an actual cat-hater but after living with cats loves them.

maybe she resents the time you spend with him? maybe shes stressed about moving away from her family and friends? maybe she has work issues? she might even have problems with your relationship that you might not even expect.

it seems like instead of confronting her problems it easier for her to pin it down on the cats behaviour.

ask her what she wants you to do about the cat to maybe get a clearer idea of hows shes thinking.
 

turtlecat

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my advice isn't friendly. Get rid of the girlfriend. It seems to me that at this point she's just going to make trouble with the cat. have you ever thought she was jealous of the cat?

meh. I don't mean to be rude, but in general, the way you can tell how a person will treat you is to see the way they treat your animals. Our animals are like our kids, would she ask you to get rid of your kid?
 

lionessrampant

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There's actually a book I am reading right now called The Feline Mystique by Clea Simon and it includes an entire chapter on people who are in relationships with people who can't seem to tolerate their cats. Sadly, the prognosis, if you will, here is not good: most of these people ended up somehow realizing that the relationship was somehow emotionally abusive or it became even worse; to the point of physical abuse. If she can't accept your cat, then there's a good chance that there's something about you that she's stressing about.

11% of cat owners will end a significant relationship because of this issue. I'm not necessarily telling you to break up with her, I'm just warning you that I think this is more serious than it would appear on the outside and that the solution is far more in-depth and complex than figuring out what to do with the cat. It seems to me like your relationship with this girl needs to be discussed because I'm sensing that she feels, whether she knows what it is or not, is very wrong. I'm not implying that she has a necessarily valid reason for this, but especially with what you're describing about her waking up at night and refusing to let something like that go that there is something potentially huge here needing to be discussed.
 
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